Memory has been hard to recount much of what happened this month, I can’t recall much, but that could be due to another increase of me hitting my head once again. My OCD has been at it’s worse, and it just has been increasing with how absolutely awful it has been. My mind continues to keep me up at night, with my OCD trying to make me think that I am far worse of a person than I am. I’ve had several sleepless nights due to my OCD, and I have been so tired throughout this month, it is unbearable. I have had the MRI that I mentioned last month, as well as a blood test for my anxiety and there has been no irregularities. I’m glad that there aren’t any issues from the two (perhaps even three at this point) concussions, though I’m not holding my breath, I know that the possibility of some serious damage could be just around the corner.

Throughout the month, I’ve been constantly comparing myself to others, especially my friends, because I cannot help but see my shortcomings more than my strengths. I cannot help but see where I am compared to where they are. They are all in third year, all working with a VFX company who has worked on things like Game of Thrones and Logan and some of the films of the MCU, and I am redoing first year all over again. I’ve become paranoid in seeing those friends. I don’t know why I’m just scared of them, I shouldn’t be, they have done nothing wrong. They are just mental reminders of where I am progressing.

The roommate issues have just gone insane at this point, and I’ve stayed so many days and nights at the Uni due to not wanting to confront this roommate and not be in the place while he’s taken over the whole area. He fails to know what a shared apartment is. Not only that, but he’s practically brought in his girlfriend so many times, she might as well pay rent. He isn’t supposed to do that without both mine and my other roommate’s knowledge that he is bringing her over, and yet he does not say a single word about that, but we hear multiple loud noises coming from the kitchen, because he cannot control the volume of his voice, nor television. Even harmless acts of moving his plates away, he decides to act petty by turning off my frying pan while I’m cooking. He even has said that he does not want to share his toilet paper. He is the only one who has ever said that, every single roommate, even the most awful, has not even tried to stop others from using the toilet paper that is bought for all of the roommates. I’m looking for another place and I am having an inspection on the Friday. It is right by where the Uni is as well, which is a huge benefit. The building where I am staying currently has been awful since day one, and the people running it are incompetent, and many of the issues that I have, several others have had. Nationally. Not just where I am. They have a 1.4 rating on review sites, all of the negative ones being from people who have stayed there. I’ll be glad to leave such a toxic environment, despite missing a great view of the city.

Assignment-wise, it has been okay. One HD, one pass, and the other two assignments have not been graded as of yet, but I’m not looking forward to the results of them. I don’t have my hopes up for the assignments that are yet to be marked. I have been reminded by the people at the Student Engagement Unit that if I fail this year, perhaps even this semester, then that’s it. No more Uni. No more going to the bakery that is near the Uni. No more catching up with friends. No more exploring the bookshops.

I don’t need the reminder said by them. I know the reminder, it lives in my head constantly.

I caught up with that friend who blocked me for the first time in ages to talk about the situation. Basically, the bridge has been burnt to the ground for how he responded to my responses. I talked to him saying that he could have apologized, how annoyed I was that he had lied to me, and how he kept me believing that I had a job. He said that he didn't need to apologize, that I was in my own little "fantasy world" and as he said that he had a meeting, he said the words "It's over". He was shaking as well, like really shaking. Well, quite honestly, it isn't my problem anymore. If he wants to believe that there isn't any fault on his side, let him do so. I know that he and I were both wrong, but he clearly doesn't want to do anything about his own faults. I had to go to him while he was distracted to talk about it. And that was 2 months after the event happened. I'm over it. If he says that I'm living in "a fantasy world" and believes that he shouldn't apologize because he "didn't do anything wrong", it's just a wake-up call that I shouldn't try to be his friend again because it isn't worth it. I got closure which is what I wanted to happen 2 months ago, and honestly, I got exactly what I thought was going to happen, so it isn’t a real big loss.

The most unfortunate thing to happen in May was the cancellation of my appointment with the psychiatrist. I had to wait 5 months and an extra week on top of that, and when I went in, they asked for $190. I didn’t have that. I was already struggling enough as it is, as well as my mother. I already sent them a bunch of answers to their questions, most of which were in the yes category on how I felt on that day and prior, and a lot of them were in the positives of not feeling mentally well. I couldn’t afford it, so they cancelled.

Five months.

Five months waiting.

Just for them to decline.

That is when the Overload art happened.

I’m just glad that I’m forcing myself to do art.

June won’t be better. I’m just going to say it, it won’t be better at all.

Take care.