Manufacturing guns is my best shot at living comfortably. Moral reprehensibility aside, someone would have my job if I hadn’t set my sights on it.
But I went ahead and pulled the trigger and now all I can think of while @ work are the myriad artful ways of killing myself with firearms kind of like how OK GO has their music vids.
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Förstår vs förstör
There’s a motto of mine that I came up with years ago. “Destroy what understands you”
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iirc I created it for a drawing because it was random and sounded profound, but it has strangely haunted me. It runs through my mind whenever something bad happens involving two things or individuals that have a history together.
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I never understood if the phrase was optimistic or not. It certainly seems negative. But if there’s one universal constant that I’m conscious of, it’s that destruction is necessary for creation. That could mean something as small as the slow destruction of a pencil as its lead is used and it reduces in size like a candle. Candle! A candle creates light by holding a flame thereby destroying itself—or it could be on a grander scale like the asteroid that destroyed the majority of life on the planet when it killed the dinosaurs; billions of genetic lineages snuffed out and destroyed so that mammals would gain dominance.
In these ways I feel like the phrase “destroy what understands you” could have a positive connotation. But the “what understands you” part haunts me. To understand is to have conscious thought. Am I referring to those closest to me? I’ve no fucking clue, but I know I would never intend for it to mean “murder,” so rest easy fam.
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Could It mean to destroy their spirit? That’s some manipulative codependent shit that I’m not about to subject to anyone. Likely the tail end of the phrase is a reminder to myself that the more someone understands me (read: gets closer to me) the more necessity to destroy the relationship grows. Statistically it’s those closest to us that end up hurting us the most, whether intentionally or not. And that infliction of pain goes both ways, I’m no angel either. But to destroy such a strong relationship between friends or family...what in the seven-layers-of-a-burrito kind of creation will this fucked up alchemy result in?
I’ve removed many people from my life, and (excluding quality of the person) I’ve yet to see a clear result on the other side of the equal sign in this subtraction problem.
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Yesterday as I was mulling over this dumb phrase, I translated it to Swedish because I’m slowly trying to learn the language. Interestingly enough, with the exception of one letter, the two verbs in the phrase have identical spellings and nearly identical pronunciations. I don’t know why, but I’m mounting in suspicion of this four-word phrase, ‘destroy what understands you.’ This sequence of words was meant to be a throwaway edgelord nonsensical piece of bullshit on a sketch, hidden inside a sketchbook but it hides inside me instead and I don’t know what to make of it.