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Journal Entry #12
16 years ago
Okay, so Im back to trying this again. Venting to a journal. Yay...
Well, my heart is in pieces, my head is going to explode, and I haven't slept in almost a whole week. You know, someone told me the body can only go up to 7 days without sleep before it starts to die. That is bs. I am almost up to seven days, and I have gone a total of 15 days without it at one point.
I feel like there is something wrong with me. I have always known that everything wasn't quite right, but now I am really getting worried. Im waiting for ACHSSSS to get back to me atm so I can get into the hospital. I found a loop hole though I think. If I call 911 when the pains is really really bad, goto the ER, they will force my app through. It's retro active I believe.
I feel really shitty atm though about my novel to that particular feline I mentioned before. Im just so confused. I didn't realize how I really felt until recently, and I honestly was happy feeling the way I did. Knowing there is one more person out there who wants nothing to do with me where a relationship is concerned is not helping my self-esteem at all. Every single time I start to have feelings, I find out I make a better friend than mate.... To anyone who has ever said that to someone, it fucking hurts more than we let on.
Think about how you would feel if you had someone who lit up your day, and you realized your feelings were more than just friends. Now think about how you would feel if they told you they thought of you as a brother, or that you were not boyfriend/girlfriend material. Yea, thats how I feel and everyone feels when it happens.
All in all the one thing I am grateful for is no serious pain atm. I can walk, run, and everything in between right now. SO! Yea, thats good.
Thanks for listening. *hugs*
Well, my heart is in pieces, my head is going to explode, and I haven't slept in almost a whole week. You know, someone told me the body can only go up to 7 days without sleep before it starts to die. That is bs. I am almost up to seven days, and I have gone a total of 15 days without it at one point.
I feel like there is something wrong with me. I have always known that everything wasn't quite right, but now I am really getting worried. Im waiting for ACHSSSS to get back to me atm so I can get into the hospital. I found a loop hole though I think. If I call 911 when the pains is really really bad, goto the ER, they will force my app through. It's retro active I believe.
I feel really shitty atm though about my novel to that particular feline I mentioned before. Im just so confused. I didn't realize how I really felt until recently, and I honestly was happy feeling the way I did. Knowing there is one more person out there who wants nothing to do with me where a relationship is concerned is not helping my self-esteem at all. Every single time I start to have feelings, I find out I make a better friend than mate.... To anyone who has ever said that to someone, it fucking hurts more than we let on.
Think about how you would feel if you had someone who lit up your day, and you realized your feelings were more than just friends. Now think about how you would feel if they told you they thought of you as a brother, or that you were not boyfriend/girlfriend material. Yea, thats how I feel and everyone feels when it happens.
All in all the one thing I am grateful for is no serious pain atm. I can walk, run, and everything in between right now. SO! Yea, thats good.
Thanks for listening. *hugs*
My biggest problem right now is that Im confused right now. I don't understand myself atm. I worked very hard not to have these feelings for this particular person. Mainly because I knew he could not return my feelings, but also because I didn't want them. I have been in relationships, and it has killed friendships, and my heart every time I get too involved with someone. So I don't know why all of a sudden I have these feelings. All I want really is to give him a hug right now and ask him a couple questions. I may get that chance, but not certain yet.
I am not doing bad right now. My only real problems is I can't sleep, and I am confused. So you don't have to worry too much. I've already vented my anger and irritation off with a couple people who care about me.
Thank you for caring enough to want to know whats wrong, and for wanting to help. :) Knowing I have people backing me up does help a great deal.
I hope you can find the help you need.