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Update on arm/spider bite + feeling kinda hopeless on thi...
4 years ago
Thought I'd post a update journal on the arm and spider situation.
My arm is, once again, hurt. From what this time? Who the fuck knows at this point. It's doing the exact same shit it was doing when I slept weird on it earlier this month. I'm not even convinced that ever fully "healed" or whatever it was supposed to be doing.
I've spent the combined maybe week probably less of this month actually drawing.
And the drawing I WAS doing was commissions. If it wasn't for commissions I'd probably just lay in bed all day, not that I don't already do that.
So the arm situation is leaving me feeling not only more depressed(if that's possible) than I already am but leaves me feeling hopeless because there seems no fix for it.
Maybe I'm just a pussy or something and just suddenly relized my arm has been cramping this entire time and suddenly NOW it's an issue for me. I think this might have to do with the spider bite but a day before I got bit by a spider I drew some of my own art, and my wrist cramped even into the morning after I had slept.
It seemed like not such a issue then because I felt relieved that I was not only invested and engaged in something enough to have drawn something for myself and managed to ignore the pain(what surprisingly little there was that night) that I thought it meant I could start fully drawing again so I was ignoring it. But then I got bit by the spider and it seemed my pain returned.
Or maybe separate pain returned combined with already pre-existing pain. Again.
If I got bit by the spider would I had drawn that night? Possible but it's also possible it would've hurt again and I would've had been so dispondent over it I would've not drawn. I believe I am healed of the spider bite symptoms; I feel to like I'm tripping balls and dying anymore but my body still aches in places.
Which I guess brings me to my next point: I can no longer tell if I am actually in pain or imagining it.
If anyone knows me, specially my closer friends I have a history of chronic hypochondria usually related to anxiety. I have literally imagined or convinced myself of things before in the past.
I'm not trying to, but my brain seems completely unable to stop doing it. I will have full on panic attacks at small things. Like when I got stung by a stinging weed and was convinced the pattern was a black widow bite and that I was going to die.
Insert fake symptoms based on what I know about black widow bites and symptoms. It was a stinging weed and it a black widow, obviously. But my brain decided it HAD been bit by one and that I was dying so went full anxiety fake symptom.
The problem is it does this on literally everything uncontrollably. I don't know if my arm is hurting because I expect it too, or if it is actually hurting at this point. I think it is hurting, I feel real pain in it
But there are times during the day I don't feel pain with it. Usually when I'm distracted or thinking about art I want to do. But when I go to do said art insert pain
I have pain when working on commissions, which really don't involve me putting my personal emotions into them like my own art, so maybe that is what my arm really feels. But when I want to work on my own art, my arm hurts more. It does it less when I doodle random shit.
I tried drawing last night and I drew a ok looking image
But the pain in my arm felt so stiff it felt pointless. It wasn't fun or enjoyable I was in horrible pain like a splint in my arm.
Obviously through this commissions are still being worked on.
But that doesn't help me or my problems and I feel hopeless it will ever heal.
I guess there's the other issue; I am completely unmotivated and uninterested in art in general. When I want to do my own art I am in pain. When I am not in pain I don't want to do art. I don't remember how this healed last time. It either healed by itself or my mind decided it wasn't a issue because I was so motivated to work on my own art that I ignored it.
My friend says "if I'm distracted I'll ignore it" well I'm not properly distracted and even when I seem to be I'm still in pain.
I don't know what to do anymore and I don't feel like trying anything. I used to wake up and be excited for what I'll draw after working on commissions but now I don't even bother wondering that, because I know I won't be drawing tonight because I'm in pain. I'm either imagining it at this point, or my brain has decided arm cramps is enough for me to stop drawing.
Either way I'm not happy and haven't drawn this entire month because of it.
My arm is, once again, hurt. From what this time? Who the fuck knows at this point. It's doing the exact same shit it was doing when I slept weird on it earlier this month. I'm not even convinced that ever fully "healed" or whatever it was supposed to be doing.
I've spent the combined maybe week probably less of this month actually drawing.
And the drawing I WAS doing was commissions. If it wasn't for commissions I'd probably just lay in bed all day, not that I don't already do that.
So the arm situation is leaving me feeling not only more depressed(if that's possible) than I already am but leaves me feeling hopeless because there seems no fix for it.
Maybe I'm just a pussy or something and just suddenly relized my arm has been cramping this entire time and suddenly NOW it's an issue for me. I think this might have to do with the spider bite but a day before I got bit by a spider I drew some of my own art, and my wrist cramped even into the morning after I had slept.
It seemed like not such a issue then because I felt relieved that I was not only invested and engaged in something enough to have drawn something for myself and managed to ignore the pain(what surprisingly little there was that night) that I thought it meant I could start fully drawing again so I was ignoring it. But then I got bit by the spider and it seemed my pain returned.
Or maybe separate pain returned combined with already pre-existing pain. Again.
If I got bit by the spider would I had drawn that night? Possible but it's also possible it would've hurt again and I would've had been so dispondent over it I would've not drawn. I believe I am healed of the spider bite symptoms; I feel to like I'm tripping balls and dying anymore but my body still aches in places.
Which I guess brings me to my next point: I can no longer tell if I am actually in pain or imagining it.
If anyone knows me, specially my closer friends I have a history of chronic hypochondria usually related to anxiety. I have literally imagined or convinced myself of things before in the past.
I'm not trying to, but my brain seems completely unable to stop doing it. I will have full on panic attacks at small things. Like when I got stung by a stinging weed and was convinced the pattern was a black widow bite and that I was going to die.
Insert fake symptoms based on what I know about black widow bites and symptoms. It was a stinging weed and it a black widow, obviously. But my brain decided it HAD been bit by one and that I was dying so went full anxiety fake symptom.
The problem is it does this on literally everything uncontrollably. I don't know if my arm is hurting because I expect it too, or if it is actually hurting at this point. I think it is hurting, I feel real pain in it
But there are times during the day I don't feel pain with it. Usually when I'm distracted or thinking about art I want to do. But when I go to do said art insert pain
I have pain when working on commissions, which really don't involve me putting my personal emotions into them like my own art, so maybe that is what my arm really feels. But when I want to work on my own art, my arm hurts more. It does it less when I doodle random shit.
I tried drawing last night and I drew a ok looking image
But the pain in my arm felt so stiff it felt pointless. It wasn't fun or enjoyable I was in horrible pain like a splint in my arm.
Obviously through this commissions are still being worked on.
But that doesn't help me or my problems and I feel hopeless it will ever heal.
I guess there's the other issue; I am completely unmotivated and uninterested in art in general. When I want to do my own art I am in pain. When I am not in pain I don't want to do art. I don't remember how this healed last time. It either healed by itself or my mind decided it wasn't a issue because I was so motivated to work on my own art that I ignored it.
My friend says "if I'm distracted I'll ignore it" well I'm not properly distracted and even when I seem to be I'm still in pain.
I don't know what to do anymore and I don't feel like trying anything. I used to wake up and be excited for what I'll draw after working on commissions but now I don't even bother wondering that, because I know I won't be drawing tonight because I'm in pain. I'm either imagining it at this point, or my brain has decided arm cramps is enough for me to stop drawing.
Either way I'm not happy and haven't drawn this entire month because of it.
I haven't and probably won't bother with medications; people who take prozac either end up having wonderful results or end up shooting up schools and become worse, be my luck I'd end up worse. I already have severe mental issues as it is I don't really want to risk giving myself medication-motivation push to leap off the nearest railroad track
I took medications that mentally effected you as a child and ended up with 100% of bad side effects and it made me horribly violent.
I also don't believe in chiropracty after hearing plenty of bad stories about it and evidence it doesn't offer long term help :( Not wanting to risk someone snapping my bones ;____;