FA+
Shop
Too many life options not any balance on decisions
4 years ago
I felt like typing my feelings here, namely because I'm certain my sister and family don't know or remember my Furaffinity so they're very unlikely to read it.
Not really related to commissions just my thoughts and problems on current life. I really don't think I have anywhere else to post this and my friends are probably tired of me at this point and rightfully so, I vent to them often.
I feel lost in life on every avenue and I don't know what to do, and there never seems to be a fix for anything. I don't know if it's my fault, my mothers fault, or the fault or my up bringing. I'm constantly looking for someone to blame, either myself or my mother, but I never find anyone to blame so just end up feeling further anger and stress. But I don't even know if finding someone to blame will accomplish anything. Some of my friends say it won't, and I guess it won't.
I feel like when I talk to people, namely my parents and adults(boomers) IRL they alternate between treating me like a stupid retarded child who doesn't know if you get hit by car u Die and asking me why I don't have a job and house yet and retardedly telling me to "bUY a Car" as if I can afford a car right after they fuckng asked me why I don't have a job yet and then tell me not to apply for a job because I don't have a car...it's a never ending circle at that point. How am I supposed to buy a car if I have no job to get money to afford the car? How am I supposed to get the job to have money to afford the car if I cannot get to the job because I have no car and no one can take me?
I feel like life has set me up for failure and every time I try to find ways to fix or change things I hit dead ends and it just keeps getting hit back into my face and nothing ever changes.
I'm a constant procrastinator that does nothing and even when I do something nothing ever changes so it feels like what's really the point?
And my GED.
I spend most my time trying to avoid thinking about it, I feel like I never confront it directly and say it out right.
Every time I think about the fact I don't have my GED yet I feel shame. I feel shame that I'm 21 and don't have my GED yet. My sister got hers at 16 or 17 but even then she says she literally one by 1 point and didn't even know what she was doing so she clearly lucked out. She took twice and passed and I'm on my fifth or seventh try. How shameful is that?
Who's fault is it? My mothers? Mine? I don't know.
I try to ignore the fact but there's really no changing it so I might as well just say it.
I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I don't know what the fuck anything is in the math help YouTube videos. Is it my fault? Maybe. It makes me feel fucking stupid and maybe I am but I've never had good reading comprehension skills my entire life
Given the fact my mother beat me as a toddler when I couldn't figure out how to read so I've hated reading ever since then.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?? She stopped giving me and my sister school work when we were both 12 or 13. The highest grade of math I ever remember studying was up to 8th and some 9 and 10 which i didn't understand. My mother gave up giving us school of any kind because we were too difficult to raise.
What age are you even in 8th grade? I don't fuckin know
She never taught me basic algebra. I don't even know what the fuck I'm looking at when I look at algebra. I try to pretend I know what I'm looking at when I watch these YouTube videos as if my sheer motivation will somehow will me to have the ability to understand what I'm reading but I don't and still don't. I can't afford a tutor. I've had people still trying to help me and I don't know what I'm reading. So then the question becomes what math DO I understand??
Basic math. Multiplication, division... Some barely basic idea of algebra and I know graphs to a certain level.
Don't fucking homeschool your kids if you're a high school drop out that was barely making C's. What a fucking idiot to assume a abusive individual could not only raise kids but teach them anything. Such a arrogant asshole.
Just because you were a piece of shit in school and got bullied doesn't mean I'd have been dumbass.
So I don't know shit and I'm stupid as stone.
I know it's probably stupid but it does and has effected me. I have never had any positive reinforcement my entire life related to school. It was either beatings or constant beratments. It was never I'm doing good it's I'm doing shit.
And the best part? She'd fuckng finish our school for us if we got too annoying!
She let us do whatever the fuck we wanted with no structure and now she wonders why she raise lazy pieces of shit who do nothing. She never had to motivation to try to make us better so now here is how we are.
I'm a lazy piece of unmotivated shit because that's how she raised us. She treated us like shit but we were arguably raised in supreme laziness. It goes without saying but being raised without any rules fucks you up. Maybe it does for some kids but it fucked me up.
Structure. I have no structure. I have never had structure in fucking anything. I don't know anything about structure or sticking to them because I never had any. I don't understand them and they are foreign to me. So the result is I have no structure and I'm sitting here like an alien observing human life confused about what humans are doing. And she fucking EXPECTS me to have structure in my life. She constantly tells me I have no structure and I'm lazy and don't want to do anything.And I guess that's true I'd rather be sleeping. It's probably my fault on some part but I just can't adjust to any structures I don't know how.
Why is this a problem? Well for one good luck adjusting to society one of these days. I was raised without any concept of this shit so I don't get it. I know what it is but I hate structure or maybe it just scares me to stick to one thing for too long. But on the flip side lack of structure is too many options. I wish I had someone to tell me what to do but I have too many options and I probably wouldn't listen to them anyway. I'm an adult and have to run my own life and I'm poorly suited for that. Who the fuck would trust me with anything?
The lack of structure effects me "attempting" to study for my GED. I'm either miserable and upset and being angry that I'm not drawing, so not thinking about my GED or trying to study for my GED and doing nothing else leaving myself miserable. I can't find the fucking balance that even feels good. I feel like I have been raised and allowed to stew in this for so long that I can't seem to find any other way of life that works or feels comfortable.
So I'm stuck in a rut and I don't feel like anything will ever change. I can apply for jobs ; but who will take me? Dad says to just apply and hope it works out and I'm probably gonna try that but that doesn't fix my other problems or the fact I know shit about math and the fact getting a GED seems integral to living or something. Everyone around me and adults act like if I don't have one I'm a Neanderthal and may be I am.
I have no solution for things and I feel lost, ashamed and stupid. Stupid a shame.
Not really related to commissions just my thoughts and problems on current life. I really don't think I have anywhere else to post this and my friends are probably tired of me at this point and rightfully so, I vent to them often.
I feel lost in life on every avenue and I don't know what to do, and there never seems to be a fix for anything. I don't know if it's my fault, my mothers fault, or the fault or my up bringing. I'm constantly looking for someone to blame, either myself or my mother, but I never find anyone to blame so just end up feeling further anger and stress. But I don't even know if finding someone to blame will accomplish anything. Some of my friends say it won't, and I guess it won't.
I feel like when I talk to people, namely my parents and adults(boomers) IRL they alternate between treating me like a stupid retarded child who doesn't know if you get hit by car u Die and asking me why I don't have a job and house yet and retardedly telling me to "bUY a Car" as if I can afford a car right after they fuckng asked me why I don't have a job yet and then tell me not to apply for a job because I don't have a car...it's a never ending circle at that point. How am I supposed to buy a car if I have no job to get money to afford the car? How am I supposed to get the job to have money to afford the car if I cannot get to the job because I have no car and no one can take me?
I feel like life has set me up for failure and every time I try to find ways to fix or change things I hit dead ends and it just keeps getting hit back into my face and nothing ever changes.
I'm a constant procrastinator that does nothing and even when I do something nothing ever changes so it feels like what's really the point?
And my GED.
I spend most my time trying to avoid thinking about it, I feel like I never confront it directly and say it out right.
Every time I think about the fact I don't have my GED yet I feel shame. I feel shame that I'm 21 and don't have my GED yet. My sister got hers at 16 or 17 but even then she says she literally one by 1 point and didn't even know what she was doing so she clearly lucked out. She took twice and passed and I'm on my fifth or seventh try. How shameful is that?
Who's fault is it? My mothers? Mine? I don't know.
I try to ignore the fact but there's really no changing it so I might as well just say it.
I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I don't know what the fuck anything is in the math help YouTube videos. Is it my fault? Maybe. It makes me feel fucking stupid and maybe I am but I've never had good reading comprehension skills my entire life
Given the fact my mother beat me as a toddler when I couldn't figure out how to read so I've hated reading ever since then.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?? She stopped giving me and my sister school work when we were both 12 or 13. The highest grade of math I ever remember studying was up to 8th and some 9 and 10 which i didn't understand. My mother gave up giving us school of any kind because we were too difficult to raise.
What age are you even in 8th grade? I don't fuckin know
She never taught me basic algebra. I don't even know what the fuck I'm looking at when I look at algebra. I try to pretend I know what I'm looking at when I watch these YouTube videos as if my sheer motivation will somehow will me to have the ability to understand what I'm reading but I don't and still don't. I can't afford a tutor. I've had people still trying to help me and I don't know what I'm reading. So then the question becomes what math DO I understand??
Basic math. Multiplication, division... Some barely basic idea of algebra and I know graphs to a certain level.
Don't fucking homeschool your kids if you're a high school drop out that was barely making C's. What a fucking idiot to assume a abusive individual could not only raise kids but teach them anything. Such a arrogant asshole.
Just because you were a piece of shit in school and got bullied doesn't mean I'd have been dumbass.
So I don't know shit and I'm stupid as stone.
I know it's probably stupid but it does and has effected me. I have never had any positive reinforcement my entire life related to school. It was either beatings or constant beratments. It was never I'm doing good it's I'm doing shit.
And the best part? She'd fuckng finish our school for us if we got too annoying!
She let us do whatever the fuck we wanted with no structure and now she wonders why she raise lazy pieces of shit who do nothing. She never had to motivation to try to make us better so now here is how we are.
I'm a lazy piece of unmotivated shit because that's how she raised us. She treated us like shit but we were arguably raised in supreme laziness. It goes without saying but being raised without any rules fucks you up. Maybe it does for some kids but it fucked me up.
Structure. I have no structure. I have never had structure in fucking anything. I don't know anything about structure or sticking to them because I never had any. I don't understand them and they are foreign to me. So the result is I have no structure and I'm sitting here like an alien observing human life confused about what humans are doing. And she fucking EXPECTS me to have structure in my life. She constantly tells me I have no structure and I'm lazy and don't want to do anything.And I guess that's true I'd rather be sleeping. It's probably my fault on some part but I just can't adjust to any structures I don't know how.
Why is this a problem? Well for one good luck adjusting to society one of these days. I was raised without any concept of this shit so I don't get it. I know what it is but I hate structure or maybe it just scares me to stick to one thing for too long. But on the flip side lack of structure is too many options. I wish I had someone to tell me what to do but I have too many options and I probably wouldn't listen to them anyway. I'm an adult and have to run my own life and I'm poorly suited for that. Who the fuck would trust me with anything?
The lack of structure effects me "attempting" to study for my GED. I'm either miserable and upset and being angry that I'm not drawing, so not thinking about my GED or trying to study for my GED and doing nothing else leaving myself miserable. I can't find the fucking balance that even feels good. I feel like I have been raised and allowed to stew in this for so long that I can't seem to find any other way of life that works or feels comfortable.
So I'm stuck in a rut and I don't feel like anything will ever change. I can apply for jobs ; but who will take me? Dad says to just apply and hope it works out and I'm probably gonna try that but that doesn't fix my other problems or the fact I know shit about math and the fact getting a GED seems integral to living or something. Everyone around me and adults act like if I don't have one I'm a Neanderthal and may be I am.
I have no solution for things and I feel lost, ashamed and stupid. Stupid a shame.
Ask your friends for help with getting to locations to get job applications. If you get a job you can find someone to carpool with, then you can save money to focus on a car.
2. You have access to the internet, learn coping methods and learn how to start structure For Yourself. You HAVE to MAKE YOURSELF DO IT.
If you cant deal with structure then even if you had a job you wont be able to keep it.
3. Find a way to pass that GED. Even if you have to use brightly colored flash cards to do it. That's another thing you can use the internet for, finding a method of study that works for you. Everyone learns differently.
My dad did suggest carpooling. I guess I will get to that when I get hired somewhere. I guess it's good to be prepared but sitting here stressing about transportation before I'm even hired won't help me
I will put more effort into trying to find a structure.
I feel if I had a job it would make getting used to it easier because I'd have something to look forward too but atm I'm stuck at home job hunting for something that would work for me right now, even part time ;-; there are jobs that don't require GEDS I can get but I'm not even sure which to apply for. I've been looking at stocking jobs at HEbs.
I'm not even sure how to find a study method that would work for me;-; guess YouTube videos, I'm a visual learner.
I've learned graphs from YouTube videos, which I didn't know before i guess that's one accomplishment.
I feel useless sitting at home. I wish I had a job right now ._ .
high school diploma basically
thankfully I don't need it to find employment.
There is none out here where I am for miles. I think the nearest one is over 5 miles from my house.
Welcome to issue number 2# if and when I get hired. I'm in the sticks of Texas :/ I'm not kidding when I say every. Single. Family. Member. I have will probably not take me. My mother drives my sister to work, I wouldn't ride with her and my sister if you paid me even if she was willing to take me(she isnt and won't) I'd rather ride with Ted Bundy frankly
And my dads car is broken down currently.
His family complain or mysteriously can't give him a ride to work the few times his car breaks but as soon as something breaks at grandmothers house they call him to come home from work. That doesn't bode well for them giving me rides. I guess I can bribe them with money...
What're family for LOL! The importance of people owning cars out here is insane everyone owns about three cars and no one is rich so people are buying old and mediocre cars.
This is like if I purchased two windows vista computers and a XP.
Everyone's cars break every 3-12 months. Repair guys out here cost arm and leg.
I feel like it will be my luck I get employment and no one can take me. I don't know how Uber is out here, or how expensive.
Wow public transportation where you are must be good :( are the buses full of violent crackheads? You should see some of the people out here on them.
it's kinda shit in the USA. Especially in Texas. Even in the City, where everyone takes the bus, you have to take like 5 separate buses to get to certain areas.
And yeah, I think we're actually amongst the countries with the best public transport.
I shall Google Ted Bundy.
I've failed my share of math classes just kept throwing myself at them. To this day Id say I still cant math but in my day to day I never use it... I talk to people for a living... people tell me Im smart.. I dont feel that way pretty often.
To be honest you could stretch the truth about the GED on your resume for most basic entry level jobs.. Or working as a waitress / table busser / dish washer..
Save for a basic 3-4K used car then look for a job more so that you enjoy?
You can build your own structure in your life dont let your family drag you down anymore then they have already.