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[01] MAIN JOURNAL
4 years ago
PLEASE READ THIS to get familiar with how I function.
I can be VERY weird, even for the fandom, and my behavior can be unexpected.
This journal contains a few general points that explain some of that, and it also leads to other journals that go more in-depth.
No one needs to read the in-depth stuff, unless they are curious, but please read the first part.
THE LIST BELOW goes into very important points about things that can make me very uncomfortable.
A lot of these things are UNEXPECTED so it’s important that people know. Hopefully this will help people avoid upsetting me on accident.
This list also has some points about my personality and behavior so that people don’t get surprised by it.
• I get upset EASILY, please trust me when I say this stuff is IMPORTANT.
• I SERIOUSLY DISLIKE content that is very cruel or bleak (crying, dying, agony, bad endings, despair, hopelessness) and I get upset at those that enjoy or make it. DO NOT MENTION ANYTHING INVOLVING THAT TYPE OF STUFF.
• I avoid finding out about new things and I DON’T WANT TO BE SHOWN ANYTHING NEW. I don’t browse art or watch fiction anymore. Please don’t try to show me anything.
• Please DO NOT mention artists or franchises around me, and understand that I will pretend not to know them. I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT FRANCHISES OR OTHER ARTISTS. I don’t even want it talked about near me.
• I do not take art trades, and I DO NOT ACCEPT GIFTS. DO NOT DRAW ANYTHING FOR ME, I WILL NOT LOOK AT IT.
• If people draw my characters, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT, DO NOT TELL ME ABOUT IT. If you ask to draw my characters, the answer I will give is NO. But I know I can’t stop anyone.
• I CANNOT make new friends. I can be friendly, but making friends with me is probably IMPOSSIBLE. If you aren’t someone I know already, it is probably futile to try.
I will go into deeper detail about all of that below. Some of it links to journals that go into even deeper detail.
But if you’re not interested, just keep the points above in mind. THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT.
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PART 1 – THIS MAIN JOURNAL:
This journal is meant to be something of a hub for important information about me.
It gives some details on things that people should maybe know about me, as well as containing links for more details and explanations in some of them.
I did change my mind since last time.
I was revealing too much before, as some form of therapy, but now I’m embarrassed about it. Not a big deal, though.
I also struggled with some things because I wasn’t pushing my style onto the world hard enough.
This new version will change that.
It will reveal less, and it will be made in a format that is comfortable to me, even if it might seem silly nor not make sense to others.
Another thing that changed is that I got a taste of how people react to me, now that I have posted a bit and got some responses from previous journals.
I had no idea how people would treat me when I wrote the previous versions. Because of that, parts of the way I did things before were unnecessary.
I also regret the way I relied on the future, making promises to myself and others that I failed to keep.
Things changed and did not go to plan at all, so while it was reasonable for me to think it would go as planned, it didn’t.
This will be addressed below (part 6).
As of writing this, though (Mar 2023), I’m not even stable yet, so I might be repeating the same mistakes from before, but I need to make a move, so I don’t have much of a choice. I might update it later.
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PART 2 – PERSONAL DETAILS:
This part will give some details about me and the things that people should probably know about my personality, tastes, what I draw, some miscellaneous behavior and so on.
This is for the usual questions I would expect people to ask (only for what I would bother answering).
2-a) WHAT I DRAW AND WHAT I LIKE:
I make a lot of lewd content and my stuff can be VERY NSFW.
I do a lot of fetish stuff that can be weird, gross or both, and it can be very bizarre sometimes.
It can also be a little puzzling, or not make sense. I expect this to become more of a thing as the disconnect grows between me and the art of other people.
For more specific details on the themes I draw, go HERE([03] THEMES I DRAW).
It’s important to point out that I DO NOT have a “strong filter” or “high tolerance” to most fetishes and forms of content, even though what I draw can be considered “disturbing” by some. Don’t assume I’d stomach some fetishes just because of what I like.
I like to think my sensibility to stuff makes sense, but I feel like pointing this out because it can surprise people (and has surprised people in the past).
More on that later (part 3) or HERE([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA).
I also do a lot of RANDOM stuff, meaning that instead of sticking to a single setting, or repeating characters and settings, I keep on just making random stuff that isn’t meant to stick. Keep that in mind.
Most “characters” I feature aren’t even characters, are not planned, are being drawn for the first time and I probably won’t draw them again.
There is also more on that HERE([03] THEMES I DRAW).
Outside of lewd art, things that I enjoy have to do with the known, the unknown and the unknowable. Things like systems and how they work, sciences, fictional sciences, aesthetics, symbolism and the occult.
I might do some SFW art now and then, especially if it is for my main setting.
More info on this goes HERE([04] OTHER THINGS I LIKE).
Do not expect me to be social about my interests, though.
I do not wish to bond with anyone over any of this, but I’m happy to just show it to people who want to see it.
2-b) WHAT I’M LIKE:
I don’t feel like giving a lot of details anymore. I don’t feel like that is necessary.
These are silly personal things that I expect some people would ask out of curiosity. I guess this is the part you could expect from a “normal” bio.
Still, I don’t feel like giving information just because it’s the “expected thing to do” anymore, or because it’s normal. I guess that already says something about me.
First I should mention my fursona. I see my fursona as myself. I don’t treat my fursona like a character, but like my fursona is me. My fursona is my fictional self, because I dislike reality so much.
Someone can get a good idea of what I’m like from my fursona, but my fursona is my happy self, and I don’t like presenting that version of me too much.
This can be seen in how I tend to keep my sona away from other people, but also in the secret language I’m making (more on part 5-d).
My happy side is not a side of me I want to share with real people.
I should also mention my OCD and potential autism, since these can get in the way of me doing things. I expect this to be clear to anyone who has been watching me since around 2021 or 2022.
I can struggle A LOT with things that are very easy for most people.
I can have weird mental barriers that people might not understand.
I need things done in a particular way or else my brain freezes.
I could have done a lot more if that wasn’t the case.
So I struggled with posting even though to some it made no sense. I know that it looked like I had no reason to be struggling so much, but it’s just the way I am.
I’ll say more about that later.
I’m also not open to friendships, but more on that later (part 2-d).
I might not interact with comments as much anymore, more on that later (part 4-a).
I’m upset very often, and I can be very volatile, moody, cynical and sarcastic, and I make no effort to make it clear when I’m doing that. I feel like I shouldn’t interact with people very often.
When I first returned, I think I was revealing a lot because I was leaving the door open for a connection with the fandom.
That changed, so I don’t feel like giving more details. More on that later (part 2-f).
2-c) ME AND KAT:
Kat will show up in a lot of my drawings. She is very important to me.
She is both real and not. Somewhere in between. More than just a character.
Kat is a tulpa, or a form of imaginary friend that has some sentience or her own will.
She only exists in my head, but she can want, say or feel things separate from me, but we know everything the other is thinking.
I created her accidentally by unknowingly following the steps for tulpa creation.
2-d) THE OLD ME:
Even before me going public again in 2021, this isn’t my first time.
Originally I openly named all of the other aliases I went by. That’s all still there for those who are curious, but I don’t feel like mentioning it.
Just know that I have done a lot of stuff publicly before 2021.
I did a lot that I regret, especially in the more turbulent years of my trauma and hatred, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Things were good a long time ago. Then things were really bad. Now I have to deal with that, and I’m still not over it.
2-d) I DON’T MAKE FRIENDS:
If you’re not someone I knew from before I went into hiding in 2020, then your chances of befriending me are zero. If you think it will be different for you and that you wanna try (like some did before), then you will faceplant against a brick wall (like they did). I don’t want any friends.
The only person beyond Kat that I would consider a friend is someone from before. And I’m way more willing to be receptive to people I already knew from the old days. But anyone new? No. I’m done with that.
I seriously regret interacting with some people who I considered friends at some point, and I don’t want that anymore. I don’t need it. I don’t need to take this risk.
When I first returned I thought this could change, and that I could open up. But I feel like I only got sturdier with how much I want to avoid friendships.
More information: HERE([05] NO FRIENDS POLICY).
2-f) ME AND THE FANDOM:
As mentioned above, things happened. The stuff this fandom makes WAS really important to me (and fandoms surrounding kinky stuff in general).
I was never too social, but I always loved drawing things, and I loved looking at things more than anything else.
Then I saw things that made me change my mind, and now I’m really scared of what I can find in other people’s creations.
More on that later (part 3), or HERE([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA).
I’m back here because I’ll need to pay the bills eventually, and I don’t think I could do better on anything else.
As much as I’d rather go into hiding forever, anything else would be more torture than this. I’m too socially inept.
More information on how I feel about the fandom: HERE([09] RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FANDOM).
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PART 3 – WHAT UPSETS ME AND WHY:
Like I said before, darker content can upset me A LOT, even though I like weird and bizarre stuff.
It can ruin my day, my week, the whole month, or even bother me years after. I still struggle with some memories from years ago.
It made me start avoiding things that I like, things that are safe, just because the risk is always there.
I stopped looking at other people’s art entirely.
And this goes beyond lewd stuff and fetishes, as horrible dark content can be mainstream, which means I have to avoid fiction in general.
3-a) THINGS I DISLIKE:
First of all, I don’t mean to tell people what to like. I know I can’t.
I just wish people would understand how clear it is to me.
But like I said before, I REALLY dislike content that is cruel, bleak or grimdark, involving things like agony, bad fates, despair, hopelessness, nihilism, devaluing lives and so on.
Not caring about how someone is suffering, or even worse someone enjoying the agony of others just makes me EXTREMELY uneasy.
This could be coming from the characters being evil, or even the artist or those who enjoy the work, enjoying the torture of a character.
That’s it. To me it’s very fundamental and simple, hinging on empathy and well-being.
Be very careful with this, especially if you like something along those lines, because it can just make me feel REALLY bad, and I’ll react strongly to it, even if just internally.
Don’t mention it, don’t hint at it, it can ruin my opinion of you (if you care about that) and I’ll generally try to avoid interacting with people if I can help it.
Also do not tell me if this or that person is into it. I don’t want to know anything.
My brain just can’t handle it. I’ve tried to accept it for years, to tell myself what people tell me (that it’s not real, to each their own, and all that stuff), but it never works.
Something feels very wrong with it, and I can’t understand how some people are okay with that.
I could argue about it for days, but hopefully I’ll make my case more clear HERE([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA).
3-b) I DON’T BROWSE ANYMORE, DON’T TRY TO SHOW ME STUFF:
Because I can be so sensitive to it, and because it’s not that hard to encounter, I decided to just STRONGLY AVOID all lewd art not made by me.
It used to inspire me a lot, and I used to enjoy it a lot, but I gave it up entirely. I had to.
I tried to use blacklists, I tried to just ignore what I didn’t like, I tried to have filters, but it never worked. I just don’t want anything anymore.
I don’t search for stuff anymore, I don’t look at it, and if I come across some of it by accident, I can cover part of my screen, close my eyes or look away.
I know it sounds silly, but I’ve been conditioned on emotional pain to react like that.
It doesn’t really matter if something is safe, because I still recognize danger in anything I didn’t draw myself.
And even if it IS totally safe and I know it, then it will just tempt me, and I know I can’t dive deep.
So I don’t want to look at anything anymore.
But it goes beyond that, and I avoid art in general, including fiction like shows, movies, cartoons, story-based videogames and so on.
This is because dark messed up stuff can go beyond yiff or drawn lewds, and popular culture is actually FILLED with non-lewd content that tortures me.
To me it’s not worth it to let this stuff enter my mind anymore, even if it means giving up on a lot of potential entertainment.
Most of this is repeated Explanation HERE([07] WHY NOT BROWSE ANYMORE). But there could be some extra details there.
3-c) DON’T MENTION ARTISTS OR FRANCHISES:
Because of the above, I obviously don’t want to know about artists or franchises that I’m not familiar with.
And of course I also don’t want to know anything of the artists and franchises that make me suffer.
So I ask people to just not say any names, it will make me uncomfortable, and if you end up mentioning someone that REALLY ruined me, then it will make me feel REALLY bad.
I don’t want to start any drama, of course, as that would put a massive target on my back, so me not saying anyone’s names is a way to avoid that.
I just feel like a lot of people can be angered if I expressed what I think of some franchises or some artists, so it’s probably best to never talk about it.
So I’ll pretend that I don’t know anything, and that I don’t know anyone.
I ask anyone interacting with me to do the same. I’ll probably just avoid you otherwise.
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PART 4 – COMMENTS, GIFTS, ART TRADES:
Because of the points above (in part 3), I obviously struggle a bit with some common fandom interactions.
Here I’ll go over some important things that people should know about that.
4-a) MY RELATIONSHIP WITH COMMENTS NOW:
At first I was willing to read comments and engage comments. I kinda liked to, and I was open to it.
Some things happened, however, and now I don’t really want to interact that much anymore.
I still check the notifications but I only skim through comments looking for question marks.
I feel like it is rude not to answer questions, so I’ll try not to ignore questions.
But still, I don’t really feel like the comments on my own submissions are safe for me. I’ll be cautious. I don’t want to block comments but I might do it eventually.
4-b) I DON’T LOOK AT GIFTS:
Because I refuse to look at new art, there is no way I am looking at gifts.
DO NOT DRAW THINGS FOR ME, it will be uncomfortable for us both. I won’t look no matter what.
If you want to gift me something, there are non-artistic ways of doing it that I’ll talk about below (part 4-d).
4-c) DON’T DRAW MY CHARACTERS, PLEASE:
It is silly, but I don’t think I trust the fandom well enough to feel comfortable with my characters in its hands.
Knowing the stuff that people do and the stuff that people like, I just don’t find it savory to have the same people handle my characters.
It feels like my territory, and I would like control over that, at least. But I know I can’t really stop anyone.
More importantly, though, NEVER tell me that it was done.
Whether you did it, or you want to warn me of someone who did it, it doesn’t matter, I don’t want to know. Do not tell me.
If you ask me for permission, I’ll know it is being done, so the answer will be no.
Again, this is not a big deal, I just don’t wanna know about it.
4-d) WHAT I’M WILLING TO TRADE FOR FREE ART:
Now, while I’m not willing to do “normal” art trades, I can still trade free drawings for something else.
This is a bit complicated, and I don’t expect people to understand, but you can do some tasks and errands for me, in exchange for free drawings.
What exactly those are will vary and change based on my current needs, but they are non-artistic things.
Some examples are getting data, doing research, decompiling games/applications, coding programs that would be useful to me, contributing to some of my projects and so on.
Most of it will probably involve coding or programming, or tutorials that help me learn something I want to learn.
Because the specifics can vary a lot, the quality of the drawings and the amount of drawings should be discussed on a case-by-case basis.
For more details on what I need, I’ll leave this journal HERE([06] ART TRADE QUESTS).
Again, it will probably keep changing as my needs change, so if you want free art and you think you can deliver some of those, I’m open to it.
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PART 5 – POSTING, MY WORKFLOW, PECULIAR THINGS:
This part is interesting for people who care about my posting rhythm, and how I do things.
This goes over some of the specific things I do, and the specific ways I go about things.
5-a) POSTING IN ORDER AND PREVIOUS ISSUES:
This is where I expect people to be confused about why I stopped posting for so long.
It has to do with burning out and side-projects piling up, but also with some mental barriers I have when it comes to posting.
It might seem silly, but I feel uncomfortable if I’m posting things arbitrarily and out of order.
I tried this for a while after my tablet pen broke and I needed to replace it (since I totally lost the rhythm) and I HATED it, it’s a big part of what made me stop.
I feel like I just get lost and it gets harder to keep track of all the things I keep track of, so my brain has to do extra work and it is exhausting.
So I only want to post things in the order I draw them, starting from the 2020 drawings.
This isn’t a strict rule, and sometimes I can post older things out of order, but it has to be the norm, or else I get very stressed with posting.
As a result, the drawings I post are OLD and FROM THE PAST, so I’m just going through a massive backlog of drawings and nothing I post has been made recently.
Another issue is tagging, which I struggled with a lot, more on that later (part 5-c and part 6).
To fix this I tried to make a tag helper, but it wasn’t good enough, so I had to make a 2.0 version.
As of right now (Mar 2023) it’s not done yet, but I don’t want to post without having that done.
5-b) PROBLEMS WITH MY PRODUCTIVITY:
I used to feel really good about being able to do at least two full drawings a day, and I came back into the fandom in 2021 with that confidence.
That soon crumbled, because I lost that ability for some reason.
There was a week in April 2021 where I was making 8 full colored and shaded drawings a day (for 4 days), and now I can barely do one.
I think I’m just burning out too much and losing confidence in myself, but I’m constantly trying to find ways around that, by trying easier drawing techniques.
I hope to post at least 2 drawings a day, and also make 2 drawings a day. We’ll see how things go.
5-c) TAGS, LACK OF CENSORED THUMBNAILS, MULTIPLE ACCOUNTS:
I struggled a lot with tagging, because most sites don’t really have good systems in place for “perfect” tagging.
I feel like I need “perfect” tagging for three reasons: My brain just likes it organized and well done, tagging is how I assume most new people find my drawings since I can hit a lot of obscure tags people browse, and of course I need to make sure people can blacklist things efficiently since I don’t like making censored thumbnails.
My reasoning for not censoring thumbnails is twofold.
I don’t wanna have to bother with one extra tedious step that will make the process of posting even more of a pain.
And also I KNOW that the thumbnails will make it harder for people to see what the piece is before they click, which means I won’t catch the eyes of people browsing as much.
I would put up with the second if the first wasn’t such a hassle, and if a site provides some AI-driven “automatic thumbnail censor” or whatever, I’m all for that.
But I feel like that responsibility belongs to the platform, not to me.
On InkBunny, I mostly just rely on tags and on the system letting people blacklist what they don’t like.
This is why most of my tags are based on how they work on InkBunny.
I’ll try my best to cover all possible aliases for the tags people use (which can be a lot, because it is somewhat disorganized), so that blacklists function perfectly.
On FurAffinity that is not an option, because FurAffinity doesn’t allow blacklisting yet.
My answer to that is making four main accounts to “censor” my content for people who do not like certain things.
The divisions are between “vanilla” content, gross content, weird content and of course all content.
The MAIN account posts ALL content I’m willing to share.
The WEIRD account repeats all content except for the things that are gross, so it’s CLEAN-WEIRD.
The DIRTY account repeats all content except for the things that are weird, so it’s MUNDANE-DIRTY.
And the TAME account only repeats the content that isn’t bizarre or gross.
There is a FA-only journal explaining it in more detail HERE.
I WILL ALSO USE TAGS ON FURAFFINITY, but place them on the description due to the absurd limitations of the normal tag system.
This allows tags to be used in searching, and allows for a lot more tags.
On HicceArs, there is also a four-account system much like on FurAffinity, but I will also rely on heavy-tagging because HicceArs does seem to have a blacklist.
I still have to scout the HicceArs tag system and I will probably just merge it with InkBunny tags to catch both.
5-d) WHAT IS THAT SECRET LANGUAGE I’M WORKING ON:
I’m creating my own conlang to be “our lovelang” (our meaning me and Kat). And there are a few reasons behind it:
I wanted to make my own conlang back in the day, when I started this project.
I wanted a secret language to write my intimacies in my diaries in case anyone made their way into my diaries.
Now I want a language that can replace real languages for me and Kat, since real languages can have some uncomfortable things in them.
And now I want a language to function as a soft filter for TMI stuff that I might put in my descriptions if it’s relevant to the drawing. This way only those who are dedicated to knowing what it is will ever read it.
I have some concerns, since while the language can be learned by anyone, the mods might dislike this whole deal.
I say this because I know that some streamers forbid languages in their chat that no mod speaks, since it cannot be moderated.
I hope I can do this, or else I’ll just straight up cut parts of my descriptions and people will miss on details.
Either way, this language is supposed to be super happy, and it’s the way I have of trying to reconnect with my happy side.
If I’m being happy, it should be in this language.
More about it HERE([10] OUR-CONLANG).
5-e) MY LENGTHY DESCRIPTIONS:
As some may or may not have noticed, I can release a deluge of words in some of my submission descriptions.
There is a reason for this, and it is that I like registering things about my drawings very tightly.
I used to not do it, and let the context behind the drawing either be lost to time, or have small fragments survive buried in my diaries.
When I started doing descriptions for myself, I wondered why I wasn’t doing it sooner.
I keep all my descriptions in a spreadsheet file where I keep information about my drawings, and I try to register as much context and relevant information as I can.
I share these descriptions because writing new descriptions that are shorter would be extra work, so it’s either the raw stuff or nothing.
As a result, these descriptions should NOT be taken as me talking to my “audience” in the present.
It’s mostly me talking to myself, or to a fictional, potential “audience” in my head, since by the time the drawing goes public, several months have passed, so whatever was written is probably historical or outdated at this point.
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PART 6 – ADDRESSING 2021 AND MY FAILURE TO RETURN SO FAR:
Things obviously did not go how I planned, and while I wanted to quickly reestablish myself into the fandom in 2021, that all ended up crashing and burning.
This part will go over the problems that have caused me to step away again for all this time, since mid-late 2021 all the way to now, early 2023.
6-a) HOW I WANTED IT TO GO:
My BetterHelp “therapist” at the time advised me to return to the fandom sooner, rather than later (mid 2021 instead of 2022), and I also wanted to hit some specific important dates.
2021 was going to be the 10 year anniversary of many important moments of me becoming a furry, including the first time I’ve drawn lots of things that are now very important to me. So I cared a lot about the year going well.
I was prepared to be noticed by some people really fast, which is why I had some things in my journal addressing them, providing explanations that they could have wanted.
At first things were going as I expected, actually, and I did reach A LOT of the people I expected, even faster than I expected.
Had I continued, it would probably mean I would end up exactly where I thought I would.
I was also prepared to be a lot more social and open than I am now.
I was expecting myself to change, to soften, and I was feeling a pull towards being part of the community again.
All of this has obviously changed.
6-b) WHAT PROBABLY WENT WRONG:
I came in all prepared and stuff, with my journals ready, doing things in the right date, and things went really well.
Then I started falling behind with some things. It was silly, but I was just struggling a bit, but nothing that was bad.
Earlier that year, something bad IRL happened, but it didn’t end in disaster so I managed to keep going.
I was doing the anniversaries and I still wanted the year to go well.
Then… I kinda got lost in commissions and I missed one important anniversary drawing.
I didn’t think that was a big issue, but things kept going down.
If the problem was only my work ethic and me failing to keep my own dates, then I probably would have recovered fast.
But something REALLY bad happened IRL, and it just ruined the whole year for me.
I don’t wanna talk about it, but I made a lot of sacrifices that year to make it the year I start growing again, to make it a special year. I was vulnerable.
So of course, fate decides to strike me when I’m vulnerable, and I really didn’t recover from that until mid-early 2022.
I tried to return in 2022, since I’m wasting A LOT of time and I feel HORRIBLE about it, but I didn’t feel comfortable enough.
I tried to do the anniversaries again, instead, as 11-year-anniversaries instead of 10.
For a while that went really well, and I had some good moments, isolated, just me and Kat, mostly, focusing on those important redraws and not on the fandom.
Then I failed that too, at the end of 2022.
Right now I’m trying to learn from all of that and have a more practical year, but I need to solve the underlying issues that prevented me from returning in 2022.
I want it to be comfortable, so I’m working on it.
6-b) JOURNAL REGRETS:
And finally, why I’m re-making these journals.
Well, I have deep regrets with what I wrote before, because I counted a lot on how things were GOING to go, and all of that failed, of course.
The journals I wrote before were meant as a timeless thing, as something people could read to get an idea on who I was and what my gallery was about, whether it was the beginning of me posting or way later.
That was a mistake.
Since things didn’t pan out as I wanted, a lot of what I said there ended up being silly and stupid.
So now I’m re-making these introductory journals so that they can be more accurate, and hopefully I don’t make the same mistakes again.
I still plan on updating these as time goes, so we will see.
I have also given up on most of my projects, which also makes a lot of the journals obsolete.
I want to restart fresh, without really having to worry about any projects in 2023. The plan is to just do the tag helper and return.
As of now (Mar 2023), that hasn’t happened yet, so we’ll see.
I might edit this part
Last modified 20/05/2023
I can be VERY weird, even for the fandom, and my behavior can be unexpected.
This journal contains a few general points that explain some of that, and it also leads to other journals that go more in-depth.
No one needs to read the in-depth stuff, unless they are curious, but please read the first part.
THE LIST BELOW goes into very important points about things that can make me very uncomfortable.
A lot of these things are UNEXPECTED so it’s important that people know. Hopefully this will help people avoid upsetting me on accident.
This list also has some points about my personality and behavior so that people don’t get surprised by it.
• I get upset EASILY, please trust me when I say this stuff is IMPORTANT.
• I SERIOUSLY DISLIKE content that is very cruel or bleak (crying, dying, agony, bad endings, despair, hopelessness) and I get upset at those that enjoy or make it. DO NOT MENTION ANYTHING INVOLVING THAT TYPE OF STUFF.
• I avoid finding out about new things and I DON’T WANT TO BE SHOWN ANYTHING NEW. I don’t browse art or watch fiction anymore. Please don’t try to show me anything.
• Please DO NOT mention artists or franchises around me, and understand that I will pretend not to know them. I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT FRANCHISES OR OTHER ARTISTS. I don’t even want it talked about near me.
• I do not take art trades, and I DO NOT ACCEPT GIFTS. DO NOT DRAW ANYTHING FOR ME, I WILL NOT LOOK AT IT.
• If people draw my characters, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT, DO NOT TELL ME ABOUT IT. If you ask to draw my characters, the answer I will give is NO. But I know I can’t stop anyone.
• I CANNOT make new friends. I can be friendly, but making friends with me is probably IMPOSSIBLE. If you aren’t someone I know already, it is probably futile to try.
I will go into deeper detail about all of that below. Some of it links to journals that go into even deeper detail.
But if you’re not interested, just keep the points above in mind. THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT.
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PART 1 – THIS MAIN JOURNAL:
This journal is meant to be something of a hub for important information about me.
It gives some details on things that people should maybe know about me, as well as containing links for more details and explanations in some of them.
I did change my mind since last time.
I was revealing too much before, as some form of therapy, but now I’m embarrassed about it. Not a big deal, though.
I also struggled with some things because I wasn’t pushing my style onto the world hard enough.
This new version will change that.
It will reveal less, and it will be made in a format that is comfortable to me, even if it might seem silly nor not make sense to others.
Another thing that changed is that I got a taste of how people react to me, now that I have posted a bit and got some responses from previous journals.
I had no idea how people would treat me when I wrote the previous versions. Because of that, parts of the way I did things before were unnecessary.
I also regret the way I relied on the future, making promises to myself and others that I failed to keep.
Things changed and did not go to plan at all, so while it was reasonable for me to think it would go as planned, it didn’t.
This will be addressed below (part 6).
As of writing this, though (Mar 2023), I’m not even stable yet, so I might be repeating the same mistakes from before, but I need to make a move, so I don’t have much of a choice. I might update it later.
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PART 2 – PERSONAL DETAILS:
This part will give some details about me and the things that people should probably know about my personality, tastes, what I draw, some miscellaneous behavior and so on.
This is for the usual questions I would expect people to ask (only for what I would bother answering).
2-a) WHAT I DRAW AND WHAT I LIKE:
I make a lot of lewd content and my stuff can be VERY NSFW.
I do a lot of fetish stuff that can be weird, gross or both, and it can be very bizarre sometimes.
It can also be a little puzzling, or not make sense. I expect this to become more of a thing as the disconnect grows between me and the art of other people.
For more specific details on the themes I draw, go HERE([03] THEMES I DRAW).
It’s important to point out that I DO NOT have a “strong filter” or “high tolerance” to most fetishes and forms of content, even though what I draw can be considered “disturbing” by some. Don’t assume I’d stomach some fetishes just because of what I like.
I like to think my sensibility to stuff makes sense, but I feel like pointing this out because it can surprise people (and has surprised people in the past).
More on that later (part 3) or HERE([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA).
I also do a lot of RANDOM stuff, meaning that instead of sticking to a single setting, or repeating characters and settings, I keep on just making random stuff that isn’t meant to stick. Keep that in mind.
Most “characters” I feature aren’t even characters, are not planned, are being drawn for the first time and I probably won’t draw them again.
There is also more on that HERE([03] THEMES I DRAW).
Outside of lewd art, things that I enjoy have to do with the known, the unknown and the unknowable. Things like systems and how they work, sciences, fictional sciences, aesthetics, symbolism and the occult.
I might do some SFW art now and then, especially if it is for my main setting.
More info on this goes HERE([04] OTHER THINGS I LIKE).
Do not expect me to be social about my interests, though.
I do not wish to bond with anyone over any of this, but I’m happy to just show it to people who want to see it.
2-b) WHAT I’M LIKE:
I don’t feel like giving a lot of details anymore. I don’t feel like that is necessary.
These are silly personal things that I expect some people would ask out of curiosity. I guess this is the part you could expect from a “normal” bio.
Still, I don’t feel like giving information just because it’s the “expected thing to do” anymore, or because it’s normal. I guess that already says something about me.
First I should mention my fursona. I see my fursona as myself. I don’t treat my fursona like a character, but like my fursona is me. My fursona is my fictional self, because I dislike reality so much.
Someone can get a good idea of what I’m like from my fursona, but my fursona is my happy self, and I don’t like presenting that version of me too much.
This can be seen in how I tend to keep my sona away from other people, but also in the secret language I’m making (more on part 5-d).
My happy side is not a side of me I want to share with real people.
I should also mention my OCD and potential autism, since these can get in the way of me doing things. I expect this to be clear to anyone who has been watching me since around 2021 or 2022.
I can struggle A LOT with things that are very easy for most people.
I can have weird mental barriers that people might not understand.
I need things done in a particular way or else my brain freezes.
I could have done a lot more if that wasn’t the case.
So I struggled with posting even though to some it made no sense. I know that it looked like I had no reason to be struggling so much, but it’s just the way I am.
I’ll say more about that later.
I’m also not open to friendships, but more on that later (part 2-d).
I might not interact with comments as much anymore, more on that later (part 4-a).
I’m upset very often, and I can be very volatile, moody, cynical and sarcastic, and I make no effort to make it clear when I’m doing that. I feel like I shouldn’t interact with people very often.
When I first returned, I think I was revealing a lot because I was leaving the door open for a connection with the fandom.
That changed, so I don’t feel like giving more details. More on that later (part 2-f).
2-c) ME AND KAT:
Kat will show up in a lot of my drawings. She is very important to me.
She is both real and not. Somewhere in between. More than just a character.
Kat is a tulpa, or a form of imaginary friend that has some sentience or her own will.
She only exists in my head, but she can want, say or feel things separate from me, but we know everything the other is thinking.
I created her accidentally by unknowingly following the steps for tulpa creation.
2-d) THE OLD ME:
Even before me going public again in 2021, this isn’t my first time.
Originally I openly named all of the other aliases I went by. That’s all still there for those who are curious, but I don’t feel like mentioning it.
Just know that I have done a lot of stuff publicly before 2021.
I did a lot that I regret, especially in the more turbulent years of my trauma and hatred, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Things were good a long time ago. Then things were really bad. Now I have to deal with that, and I’m still not over it.
2-d) I DON’T MAKE FRIENDS:
If you’re not someone I knew from before I went into hiding in 2020, then your chances of befriending me are zero. If you think it will be different for you and that you wanna try (like some did before), then you will faceplant against a brick wall (like they did). I don’t want any friends.
The only person beyond Kat that I would consider a friend is someone from before. And I’m way more willing to be receptive to people I already knew from the old days. But anyone new? No. I’m done with that.
I seriously regret interacting with some people who I considered friends at some point, and I don’t want that anymore. I don’t need it. I don’t need to take this risk.
When I first returned I thought this could change, and that I could open up. But I feel like I only got sturdier with how much I want to avoid friendships.
More information: HERE([05] NO FRIENDS POLICY).
2-f) ME AND THE FANDOM:
As mentioned above, things happened. The stuff this fandom makes WAS really important to me (and fandoms surrounding kinky stuff in general).
I was never too social, but I always loved drawing things, and I loved looking at things more than anything else.
Then I saw things that made me change my mind, and now I’m really scared of what I can find in other people’s creations.
More on that later (part 3), or HERE([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA).
I’m back here because I’ll need to pay the bills eventually, and I don’t think I could do better on anything else.
As much as I’d rather go into hiding forever, anything else would be more torture than this. I’m too socially inept.
More information on how I feel about the fandom: HERE([09] RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FANDOM).
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PART 3 – WHAT UPSETS ME AND WHY:
Like I said before, darker content can upset me A LOT, even though I like weird and bizarre stuff.
It can ruin my day, my week, the whole month, or even bother me years after. I still struggle with some memories from years ago.
It made me start avoiding things that I like, things that are safe, just because the risk is always there.
I stopped looking at other people’s art entirely.
And this goes beyond lewd stuff and fetishes, as horrible dark content can be mainstream, which means I have to avoid fiction in general.
3-a) THINGS I DISLIKE:
First of all, I don’t mean to tell people what to like. I know I can’t.
I just wish people would understand how clear it is to me.
But like I said before, I REALLY dislike content that is cruel, bleak or grimdark, involving things like agony, bad fates, despair, hopelessness, nihilism, devaluing lives and so on.
Not caring about how someone is suffering, or even worse someone enjoying the agony of others just makes me EXTREMELY uneasy.
This could be coming from the characters being evil, or even the artist or those who enjoy the work, enjoying the torture of a character.
That’s it. To me it’s very fundamental and simple, hinging on empathy and well-being.
Be very careful with this, especially if you like something along those lines, because it can just make me feel REALLY bad, and I’ll react strongly to it, even if just internally.
Don’t mention it, don’t hint at it, it can ruin my opinion of you (if you care about that) and I’ll generally try to avoid interacting with people if I can help it.
Also do not tell me if this or that person is into it. I don’t want to know anything.
My brain just can’t handle it. I’ve tried to accept it for years, to tell myself what people tell me (that it’s not real, to each their own, and all that stuff), but it never works.
Something feels very wrong with it, and I can’t understand how some people are okay with that.
I could argue about it for days, but hopefully I’ll make my case more clear HERE([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA).
3-b) I DON’T BROWSE ANYMORE, DON’T TRY TO SHOW ME STUFF:
Because I can be so sensitive to it, and because it’s not that hard to encounter, I decided to just STRONGLY AVOID all lewd art not made by me.
It used to inspire me a lot, and I used to enjoy it a lot, but I gave it up entirely. I had to.
I tried to use blacklists, I tried to just ignore what I didn’t like, I tried to have filters, but it never worked. I just don’t want anything anymore.
I don’t search for stuff anymore, I don’t look at it, and if I come across some of it by accident, I can cover part of my screen, close my eyes or look away.
I know it sounds silly, but I’ve been conditioned on emotional pain to react like that.
It doesn’t really matter if something is safe, because I still recognize danger in anything I didn’t draw myself.
And even if it IS totally safe and I know it, then it will just tempt me, and I know I can’t dive deep.
So I don’t want to look at anything anymore.
But it goes beyond that, and I avoid art in general, including fiction like shows, movies, cartoons, story-based videogames and so on.
This is because dark messed up stuff can go beyond yiff or drawn lewds, and popular culture is actually FILLED with non-lewd content that tortures me.
To me it’s not worth it to let this stuff enter my mind anymore, even if it means giving up on a lot of potential entertainment.
Most of this is repeated Explanation HERE([07] WHY NOT BROWSE ANYMORE). But there could be some extra details there.
3-c) DON’T MENTION ARTISTS OR FRANCHISES:
Because of the above, I obviously don’t want to know about artists or franchises that I’m not familiar with.
And of course I also don’t want to know anything of the artists and franchises that make me suffer.
So I ask people to just not say any names, it will make me uncomfortable, and if you end up mentioning someone that REALLY ruined me, then it will make me feel REALLY bad.
I don’t want to start any drama, of course, as that would put a massive target on my back, so me not saying anyone’s names is a way to avoid that.
I just feel like a lot of people can be angered if I expressed what I think of some franchises or some artists, so it’s probably best to never talk about it.
So I’ll pretend that I don’t know anything, and that I don’t know anyone.
I ask anyone interacting with me to do the same. I’ll probably just avoid you otherwise.
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PART 4 – COMMENTS, GIFTS, ART TRADES:
Because of the points above (in part 3), I obviously struggle a bit with some common fandom interactions.
Here I’ll go over some important things that people should know about that.
4-a) MY RELATIONSHIP WITH COMMENTS NOW:
At first I was willing to read comments and engage comments. I kinda liked to, and I was open to it.
Some things happened, however, and now I don’t really want to interact that much anymore.
I still check the notifications but I only skim through comments looking for question marks.
I feel like it is rude not to answer questions, so I’ll try not to ignore questions.
But still, I don’t really feel like the comments on my own submissions are safe for me. I’ll be cautious. I don’t want to block comments but I might do it eventually.
4-b) I DON’T LOOK AT GIFTS:
Because I refuse to look at new art, there is no way I am looking at gifts.
DO NOT DRAW THINGS FOR ME, it will be uncomfortable for us both. I won’t look no matter what.
If you want to gift me something, there are non-artistic ways of doing it that I’ll talk about below (part 4-d).
4-c) DON’T DRAW MY CHARACTERS, PLEASE:
It is silly, but I don’t think I trust the fandom well enough to feel comfortable with my characters in its hands.
Knowing the stuff that people do and the stuff that people like, I just don’t find it savory to have the same people handle my characters.
It feels like my territory, and I would like control over that, at least. But I know I can’t really stop anyone.
More importantly, though, NEVER tell me that it was done.
Whether you did it, or you want to warn me of someone who did it, it doesn’t matter, I don’t want to know. Do not tell me.
If you ask me for permission, I’ll know it is being done, so the answer will be no.
Again, this is not a big deal, I just don’t wanna know about it.
4-d) WHAT I’M WILLING TO TRADE FOR FREE ART:
Now, while I’m not willing to do “normal” art trades, I can still trade free drawings for something else.
This is a bit complicated, and I don’t expect people to understand, but you can do some tasks and errands for me, in exchange for free drawings.
What exactly those are will vary and change based on my current needs, but they are non-artistic things.
Some examples are getting data, doing research, decompiling games/applications, coding programs that would be useful to me, contributing to some of my projects and so on.
Most of it will probably involve coding or programming, or tutorials that help me learn something I want to learn.
Because the specifics can vary a lot, the quality of the drawings and the amount of drawings should be discussed on a case-by-case basis.
For more details on what I need, I’ll leave this journal HERE([06] ART TRADE QUESTS).
Again, it will probably keep changing as my needs change, so if you want free art and you think you can deliver some of those, I’m open to it.
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PART 5 – POSTING, MY WORKFLOW, PECULIAR THINGS:
This part is interesting for people who care about my posting rhythm, and how I do things.
This goes over some of the specific things I do, and the specific ways I go about things.
5-a) POSTING IN ORDER AND PREVIOUS ISSUES:
This is where I expect people to be confused about why I stopped posting for so long.
It has to do with burning out and side-projects piling up, but also with some mental barriers I have when it comes to posting.
It might seem silly, but I feel uncomfortable if I’m posting things arbitrarily and out of order.
I tried this for a while after my tablet pen broke and I needed to replace it (since I totally lost the rhythm) and I HATED it, it’s a big part of what made me stop.
I feel like I just get lost and it gets harder to keep track of all the things I keep track of, so my brain has to do extra work and it is exhausting.
So I only want to post things in the order I draw them, starting from the 2020 drawings.
This isn’t a strict rule, and sometimes I can post older things out of order, but it has to be the norm, or else I get very stressed with posting.
As a result, the drawings I post are OLD and FROM THE PAST, so I’m just going through a massive backlog of drawings and nothing I post has been made recently.
Another issue is tagging, which I struggled with a lot, more on that later (part 5-c and part 6).
To fix this I tried to make a tag helper, but it wasn’t good enough, so I had to make a 2.0 version.
As of right now (Mar 2023) it’s not done yet, but I don’t want to post without having that done.
5-b) PROBLEMS WITH MY PRODUCTIVITY:
I used to feel really good about being able to do at least two full drawings a day, and I came back into the fandom in 2021 with that confidence.
That soon crumbled, because I lost that ability for some reason.
There was a week in April 2021 where I was making 8 full colored and shaded drawings a day (for 4 days), and now I can barely do one.
I think I’m just burning out too much and losing confidence in myself, but I’m constantly trying to find ways around that, by trying easier drawing techniques.
I hope to post at least 2 drawings a day, and also make 2 drawings a day. We’ll see how things go.
5-c) TAGS, LACK OF CENSORED THUMBNAILS, MULTIPLE ACCOUNTS:
I struggled a lot with tagging, because most sites don’t really have good systems in place for “perfect” tagging.
I feel like I need “perfect” tagging for three reasons: My brain just likes it organized and well done, tagging is how I assume most new people find my drawings since I can hit a lot of obscure tags people browse, and of course I need to make sure people can blacklist things efficiently since I don’t like making censored thumbnails.
My reasoning for not censoring thumbnails is twofold.
I don’t wanna have to bother with one extra tedious step that will make the process of posting even more of a pain.
And also I KNOW that the thumbnails will make it harder for people to see what the piece is before they click, which means I won’t catch the eyes of people browsing as much.
I would put up with the second if the first wasn’t such a hassle, and if a site provides some AI-driven “automatic thumbnail censor” or whatever, I’m all for that.
But I feel like that responsibility belongs to the platform, not to me.
On InkBunny, I mostly just rely on tags and on the system letting people blacklist what they don’t like.
This is why most of my tags are based on how they work on InkBunny.
I’ll try my best to cover all possible aliases for the tags people use (which can be a lot, because it is somewhat disorganized), so that blacklists function perfectly.
On FurAffinity that is not an option, because FurAffinity doesn’t allow blacklisting yet.
My answer to that is making four main accounts to “censor” my content for people who do not like certain things.
The divisions are between “vanilla” content, gross content, weird content and of course all content.
The MAIN account posts ALL content I’m willing to share.
The WEIRD account repeats all content except for the things that are gross, so it’s CLEAN-WEIRD.
The DIRTY account repeats all content except for the things that are weird, so it’s MUNDANE-DIRTY.
And the TAME account only repeats the content that isn’t bizarre or gross.
There is a FA-only journal explaining it in more detail HERE.
I WILL ALSO USE TAGS ON FURAFFINITY, but place them on the description due to the absurd limitations of the normal tag system.
This allows tags to be used in searching, and allows for a lot more tags.
On HicceArs, there is also a four-account system much like on FurAffinity, but I will also rely on heavy-tagging because HicceArs does seem to have a blacklist.
I still have to scout the HicceArs tag system and I will probably just merge it with InkBunny tags to catch both.
5-d) WHAT IS THAT SECRET LANGUAGE I’M WORKING ON:
I’m creating my own conlang to be “our lovelang” (our meaning me and Kat). And there are a few reasons behind it:
I wanted to make my own conlang back in the day, when I started this project.
I wanted a secret language to write my intimacies in my diaries in case anyone made their way into my diaries.
Now I want a language that can replace real languages for me and Kat, since real languages can have some uncomfortable things in them.
And now I want a language to function as a soft filter for TMI stuff that I might put in my descriptions if it’s relevant to the drawing. This way only those who are dedicated to knowing what it is will ever read it.
I have some concerns, since while the language can be learned by anyone, the mods might dislike this whole deal.
I say this because I know that some streamers forbid languages in their chat that no mod speaks, since it cannot be moderated.
I hope I can do this, or else I’ll just straight up cut parts of my descriptions and people will miss on details.
Either way, this language is supposed to be super happy, and it’s the way I have of trying to reconnect with my happy side.
If I’m being happy, it should be in this language.
More about it HERE([10] OUR-CONLANG).
5-e) MY LENGTHY DESCRIPTIONS:
As some may or may not have noticed, I can release a deluge of words in some of my submission descriptions.
There is a reason for this, and it is that I like registering things about my drawings very tightly.
I used to not do it, and let the context behind the drawing either be lost to time, or have small fragments survive buried in my diaries.
When I started doing descriptions for myself, I wondered why I wasn’t doing it sooner.
I keep all my descriptions in a spreadsheet file where I keep information about my drawings, and I try to register as much context and relevant information as I can.
I share these descriptions because writing new descriptions that are shorter would be extra work, so it’s either the raw stuff or nothing.
As a result, these descriptions should NOT be taken as me talking to my “audience” in the present.
It’s mostly me talking to myself, or to a fictional, potential “audience” in my head, since by the time the drawing goes public, several months have passed, so whatever was written is probably historical or outdated at this point.
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PART 6 – ADDRESSING 2021 AND MY FAILURE TO RETURN SO FAR:
Things obviously did not go how I planned, and while I wanted to quickly reestablish myself into the fandom in 2021, that all ended up crashing and burning.
This part will go over the problems that have caused me to step away again for all this time, since mid-late 2021 all the way to now, early 2023.
6-a) HOW I WANTED IT TO GO:
My BetterHelp “therapist” at the time advised me to return to the fandom sooner, rather than later (mid 2021 instead of 2022), and I also wanted to hit some specific important dates.
2021 was going to be the 10 year anniversary of many important moments of me becoming a furry, including the first time I’ve drawn lots of things that are now very important to me. So I cared a lot about the year going well.
I was prepared to be noticed by some people really fast, which is why I had some things in my journal addressing them, providing explanations that they could have wanted.
At first things were going as I expected, actually, and I did reach A LOT of the people I expected, even faster than I expected.
Had I continued, it would probably mean I would end up exactly where I thought I would.
I was also prepared to be a lot more social and open than I am now.
I was expecting myself to change, to soften, and I was feeling a pull towards being part of the community again.
All of this has obviously changed.
6-b) WHAT PROBABLY WENT WRONG:
I came in all prepared and stuff, with my journals ready, doing things in the right date, and things went really well.
Then I started falling behind with some things. It was silly, but I was just struggling a bit, but nothing that was bad.
Earlier that year, something bad IRL happened, but it didn’t end in disaster so I managed to keep going.
I was doing the anniversaries and I still wanted the year to go well.
Then… I kinda got lost in commissions and I missed one important anniversary drawing.
I didn’t think that was a big issue, but things kept going down.
If the problem was only my work ethic and me failing to keep my own dates, then I probably would have recovered fast.
But something REALLY bad happened IRL, and it just ruined the whole year for me.
I don’t wanna talk about it, but I made a lot of sacrifices that year to make it the year I start growing again, to make it a special year. I was vulnerable.
So of course, fate decides to strike me when I’m vulnerable, and I really didn’t recover from that until mid-early 2022.
I tried to return in 2022, since I’m wasting A LOT of time and I feel HORRIBLE about it, but I didn’t feel comfortable enough.
I tried to do the anniversaries again, instead, as 11-year-anniversaries instead of 10.
For a while that went really well, and I had some good moments, isolated, just me and Kat, mostly, focusing on those important redraws and not on the fandom.
Then I failed that too, at the end of 2022.
Right now I’m trying to learn from all of that and have a more practical year, but I need to solve the underlying issues that prevented me from returning in 2022.
I want it to be comfortable, so I’m working on it.
6-b) JOURNAL REGRETS:
And finally, why I’m re-making these journals.
Well, I have deep regrets with what I wrote before, because I counted a lot on how things were GOING to go, and all of that failed, of course.
The journals I wrote before were meant as a timeless thing, as something people could read to get an idea on who I was and what my gallery was about, whether it was the beginning of me posting or way later.
That was a mistake.
Since things didn’t pan out as I wanted, a lot of what I said there ended up being silly and stupid.
So now I’m re-making these introductory journals so that they can be more accurate, and hopefully I don’t make the same mistakes again.
I still plan on updating these as time goes, so we will see.
I have also given up on most of my projects, which also makes a lot of the journals obsolete.
I want to restart fresh, without really having to worry about any projects in 2023. The plan is to just do the tag helper and return.
As of now (Mar 2023), that hasn’t happened yet, so we’ll see.
I might edit this part
Last modified 20/05/2023
My girlfriend only exists in my head.
The worlds I love exist only in my head.
A lot of stuff I care about is heavily tied to my thoughts, moods, feelings, memories.
THIS IS MY HOME. Every time I see and... understand... something horrible, that's nearly irreparable damage to my HOME. And it's something I can't escape.
It's easy to think that nothing bad will happen, but I've gone through enough situations that proved that wrong. I'm not going to gamble it more than I already have. It's time for a new strategy, one that has been working for the past 3 years.
I know exposure therapy CAN work, even on me. It's just not worth the risk. It's hard to tell how much I can handle before I actually break (which I know for a fact can happen). Things can disrupt me for weeks, it can completely ruin my relationship with whatever it is I'm doing at the moment. I can't afford to try that. Isolation seems better, for now.
The thing you described? Taming it? I achieved that through my own ways. It's way better now. Did I get here through exposure? No, I got here through control, understanding, introspection.
I have NO NEED to risk EVERYTHING just to address a problem that I have other solutions for. You THINK that there is no "permanent damage". I know it's possible. I know it's not assured... But I know it is possible.
I'm not gonna explain to a stranger (especially in public) how I know it for sure, but I do.
You assume I don't understand myself enough to evaluate this from a rational place.
It's even a matter of timing, isn't it? Even if the particular risk I'm worried about wasn't there, what would happen if I get overwhelmed faster than the healing?
I can't even begin to imagine just how many more things I would have wished I never saw, if I did allow myself to see it. Once I fix this on my own, and I do it without seeing anything else, how could anyone tell me it wasn't worth it, and that I should have just exposed myself to more of it instead?
Again. No need to tell me to consider it. I've been considering it for the past 3 years. Do not presume to tell me that it has no risks, though, and that it's the best way forward.