Okay, it is close to midnight here at my place, yet I have to write this off of my chest, simply to get these thoughts from my brain.

I am scared, of so many things. The future, death, my own one, the one of friends and family, disease, you name it all.

But also of being forgotten, washed away in the sea of time. I have contemplated what I can do against this, but all thoughts come to the same conclusion, that one cannot really do anything against it.

I started writing down my thoughts here and there on a little notebook, random thoughts, sad thoughts, good thoughts, just thoughts in general. It is the reason why I write such journals, even though I should be soundly asleep by now, as I work in just a few hours again.

Like, did you know there is a museum of sorts in Germany (or rather an archive) that houses private coresponcences and diaries? They do this that average writings of people are preserved for future generations.

But then again I begin to think in larger time scales. decades, centuries, milennias...I mean, I don't even know if this website here will beonline in the 2030s or not. It would be great if it were. or at least fully archived by then.

Does it all even really matter? Like, we don't even really know the names of most of the people that lived 200 years ago in most places, what they thought, felt and desired.

Same will probably go for myself, my name, my life, gone silently in the stream of time.

And so will probably be pretty much every other human being ever. Like, in the far future, if humans will survive that long, the only names of past humans they will probably remember (and think they know their life) are Jesus, a certain angry moustache man and Neil Armstrong. People that did exceptional things compared to all other humans at their time.

I wondered what I could do to preserve my legacy, my thoughts, to prevent them being destroyed in any ways. Make a statue of myself of some hardy long-lasting material and in it some kind of long-term data - storage? Write my memories down on metal plates, like a metal diary, so it won't whither away? Set up a long-time contract with a law firm, that in a century, two centuries, a kind of memory capsule will be opened for my future relatives?

But then I also think that this behavior is very selfish, because what makes my life more worthy for that to be done than all the lives of people around me?

Sorry for such sad thoughts, I just are having a hard time again after Arakaraath passed away nearly half a year ago now. It just...makes me so sad. And it makes me think. Think these sad thoughts again and again and again, making me afraid in my own bed, alone....

Gods, I truly wished we had some sort of clue or evidence if souls or the likes actually existed, to have some actual hope that there is something of us that truly stays 'us'....