Few days haven't been myself. Frankly been down yet I keep telling myself I am not supposed to feel that way. Like whenever I am sad deep inside me I want to cry out and open up but then something chokes up like when it's about to burst up it sinks back deep inside and stays there. I know it sounds stupid but at right that moment something in my mind tells me I have no right to grief nor open up about them. Such as that I am supposed to hold them back and never show my vulnerability. I don't know which reason is it mostly. Is it because I have dealt things on my own most the time and feared to ask any help or ask anyone to listen while opening up. Or the mindset that I'm am never supposed to show my emotions despite circumstances or is it because I try to escape my own emotions to try help others the best way I can or is it because I fear that my opening up would be judged and ghosted and that they wouldn't matter anyhow? It's no secret that I am not good at opening up my emotions yet somehow I just feel that I have no right for grief, anger or anything else.

Like now lately have felt like I have nothing to offer here or anywhere else but still try to hold back this feeling keeping my mind solid as rock.

Even 2 years ago Sento's death broke me deep inside but I did not give myself enough time to grief properly

Regardless my point is that whenever these emotions come out for some reason they keep reminding me that I am supposed to keep them and myself in the deepest shadows and darkness that not even spark of light cannot reach it as if it should remain that way.

Hope I did not babble too much. That's just something I wanted to write of...
I wish everyone good day and best times over these tough times.