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[Vent] I am a wreck.
4 years ago
Things are just spiralling out of control for me very slowly but without seeming any end. My relationship with my parents is worsening, having culminated in me yelling at my mom (after she yelled at me, for the record), a thing that resulted in me getting pretty much chokeslammed into a wall (my dad physically intervening was the sole reason she didn't continue physically assaulting me, because she was going to punch me). More specifically:
She got so mad because she yelled at me and i finally broke and said the f word to her. Her response to this was to immediately accost me when I got home and yell at me that I don't get to say that to her (a response in which she frequently said "fuck/fucking" to me, by the way, and got even more mad when I said "oh so it's okay when you do it") and then said "my dad would NEVER let me say that to my mom"
I responded with "well yeah, your mom was a good person unlike you" and she immediately lunged at me and pretty much choke-slammed me into a wall. While I was recovering she did it again and then went to smash me in the face with a punch, but my dad intervened (to her chagrin--she said "get out of the way so I can fucking beat the shit out of him") thankfully I guess. My chest still feels a bit weird.
My relationship with her has pretty much entirely collapsed (not that I wanted to maintain it anyway). Money from her is literally my only source of income besides commissions, so I may have to take more and more and also get good enough at art to do commissions.
My plans to move to another state have pretty much stopped in their tracks, though. My friend is struggling to find a place for us two and his friend, and his workplace is a mess right now I think. This is extra bad because the school year starts next month and I have effectively dropped out of school, but my parents don't know that. They think I'm still in it, because if they actually knew, they would fucking slaughter me or throw me out or something. It would be bad. I had hoped to ditch them around August LAST year, but COVID decided to completely fuck me over with my friend's workplace (a restaurant) shutting down, and I don't think he's been reinstated there at all yet. I was gonna be a dishwasher (they had a spot open for me and everything). So I dunno what to do. My parents have absolutely no flexibility--they want me in college and to get a degree, so no amount of telling them that I'm just not cut out for it or that I just don't want to fucking go (because I don't) will do anything.
The big problem with my parents is that they just refuse to deviate from their way of parenting. They think they know everything, and that every problem in my life is just me fucking up or being a whiny lazy asshole. Everything they try to "help" actually just hurts me more, and their response is never "maybe we should try something different", it's "what I'm doing isn't working, so clearly I just need to do it again harder". My mom has been forcing me to stand still and listen to her lecture me for an hour straight so many times, yelling at me and calling me a worthless lazy piece of shit, and her response to that not actually doing anything has just been "clearly I need to yell at him and call him a worthless retard MORE". It's maddening. It's exhausting.
With no job, no friends I can couch-surf with, and no relatives in the entire fucking *state* (I would have to somehow get to either COAST) to live with, I just...don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't fake going to school forever and the truth will have to come out eventually, and I am entirely alone. I interact in real life with literally no one but my parents. As I just said, I have no irl friends, all my relatives are distant both socially and literally, and I don't have an income I can use to just get my own place.
I don't want to give up, but I dunno what to do at this point. I have to do SOMETHING. But I fear I've passed the event horizon by now. Sorry for the grimness.
In any case...I've returned to writing and working on commissions. If you have a commission from me (and right now, that's two people), I am working on them and will note you soon. I haven't drawn in like two weeks, though. Drawing takes so much more mental effort and focus that it taxes me incredibly hard.
She got so mad because she yelled at me and i finally broke and said the f word to her. Her response to this was to immediately accost me when I got home and yell at me that I don't get to say that to her (a response in which she frequently said "fuck/fucking" to me, by the way, and got even more mad when I said "oh so it's okay when you do it") and then said "my dad would NEVER let me say that to my mom"
I responded with "well yeah, your mom was a good person unlike you" and she immediately lunged at me and pretty much choke-slammed me into a wall. While I was recovering she did it again and then went to smash me in the face with a punch, but my dad intervened (to her chagrin--she said "get out of the way so I can fucking beat the shit out of him") thankfully I guess. My chest still feels a bit weird.
My relationship with her has pretty much entirely collapsed (not that I wanted to maintain it anyway). Money from her is literally my only source of income besides commissions, so I may have to take more and more and also get good enough at art to do commissions.
My plans to move to another state have pretty much stopped in their tracks, though. My friend is struggling to find a place for us two and his friend, and his workplace is a mess right now I think. This is extra bad because the school year starts next month and I have effectively dropped out of school, but my parents don't know that. They think I'm still in it, because if they actually knew, they would fucking slaughter me or throw me out or something. It would be bad. I had hoped to ditch them around August LAST year, but COVID decided to completely fuck me over with my friend's workplace (a restaurant) shutting down, and I don't think he's been reinstated there at all yet. I was gonna be a dishwasher (they had a spot open for me and everything). So I dunno what to do. My parents have absolutely no flexibility--they want me in college and to get a degree, so no amount of telling them that I'm just not cut out for it or that I just don't want to fucking go (because I don't) will do anything.
The big problem with my parents is that they just refuse to deviate from their way of parenting. They think they know everything, and that every problem in my life is just me fucking up or being a whiny lazy asshole. Everything they try to "help" actually just hurts me more, and their response is never "maybe we should try something different", it's "what I'm doing isn't working, so clearly I just need to do it again harder". My mom has been forcing me to stand still and listen to her lecture me for an hour straight so many times, yelling at me and calling me a worthless lazy piece of shit, and her response to that not actually doing anything has just been "clearly I need to yell at him and call him a worthless retard MORE". It's maddening. It's exhausting.
With no job, no friends I can couch-surf with, and no relatives in the entire fucking *state* (I would have to somehow get to either COAST) to live with, I just...don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't fake going to school forever and the truth will have to come out eventually, and I am entirely alone. I interact in real life with literally no one but my parents. As I just said, I have no irl friends, all my relatives are distant both socially and literally, and I don't have an income I can use to just get my own place.
I don't want to give up, but I dunno what to do at this point. I have to do SOMETHING. But I fear I've passed the event horizon by now. Sorry for the grimness.
In any case...I've returned to writing and working on commissions. If you have a commission from me (and right now, that's two people), I am working on them and will note you soon. I haven't drawn in like two weeks, though. Drawing takes so much more mental effort and focus that it taxes me incredibly hard.
You shouldn't have to deal with someone like that and I'm sorry to hear that ;-;