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To Find my Fire
4 years ago
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Last journal entry, I discussed a target audience. I still am learning about myself, including posting and expressing more of myself. I have a target audience now. But for years I needed my “why”. What is my motivation for writing these stories or for commissioning artworks? I described this as my fire, or what keeps burning and keeps me warm when all else fails. I lost that when I burnt out in college, and stepped away for three years (since the journal entry called “Looking Ahead, Looking Behind”). I think I found it again, and it’s not like before.
Before, I thought I could recreate the love and memory of a talented artist I knew. DNAPalmHead is a legend in the muscle macro subgroup of the furry world. I adored his growth stories, mixed with humor blended in wholesomeness and Looney Tunes style wit. It wasn’t about how many X’s one could write to a XXX Story, or the unhinged lust abounding around muscle, macro, and size play. It was just fun! Silliness, fun times, corny jokes, and humor infused into a kink-turned-obsession with me.
When he left around 2018, the world light felt like it died. Felt like is the key phrase. When I started this account, I thought I could be the literature extraordinaire who instills DNA style for print instead of digital painting. I wanted to be that next DNA, known for wholesome macro and muscle fun, just like he was. I didn’t see a subculture I loved lasting without that light in it, and I wanted to keep it alive.
Life is funny. Around 2018 was also when I found Discord, Telegram, and other chat rooms. I’ve been told I am gifted in writing RP’s among close friends, and soon that became my dominant form of writing. The FA account became a favorite-artwork-only spot over time, as college life and online life shoved it away.
When I came back earlier this year, I thought I knew what I wanted. But now I am not so sure. I didn’t have my voice in writing; there was no idea on who to write for, and I’ve been writing RP-style for so long that story-style writing rusted shut. I thought I wanted to be the next DNA, but there’s only one DNA. Only he could do what he did. When he started there was no legacy. So why was I adding that? He was just being himself. I think the final nail to my first fire’s coffin was in seeing the fanbase DNA still has today. They’re incredible; sharing his free artworks, discussing what he was like, you know, keeping the light of wholesome fun alive in his place. I adored it, but if all my reasons to write are mute, then why would I write?
I needed a concrete reply. Throw away all the words of uncertainty. No buts, and’s, uh’s, you name it. I needed a new fire, so what was my fire? What really motivates me to write stories, create RP’s, commission artworks, and interact with this subgroup? It took weeks, but I think I have an answer:
I create for my past self to show a giant world he could never explore before.
The original love for huge and strong started with a google search gone wrong. I found DNA artworks right from the start. I remember the awe I had with an innocent, impressionable mind. There was a magic to it; as if the force of tectonic plates came in anthropomorphized form. The movement of suns was as basic to this plethora of innovative titans as moving billiard balls are to us. Let alone their physiques - be they of muscle, fat, or more - defying limitations, eclipsing those we humans call bodybuilders. They appear as nothing more than egocentric ants a millimeter larger than their kind in the colossuses gaze.
Then there’s this gentleness to it. Inevitably there is the macro who’d happily stomp a building to powder; but there were the ones acting like support beams to prevent their collapse. Giants who carried sinking ships like toy boats from a bathtub to drydock. Derailed trains are model toy trains to be picked up and casually placed back on tracks. No matter how vast, a bear hug was always there for those they loved.
I want to share that same magic. If someone unaware of macros arrived here, I want them to see this giant world they’d never know before. They might think me insane, or they might love it, or both. That is why I’ll write and create. That is my new fire. I think it’ll burn lovely compared to its old one.
I hope you’re all doing ok out there. I appreciate you all staying and reading my rambles, too. Comment questions and concerns: To see them all is great and I appreciate them! I hope you can find your fire too, and as always I’ll see you in the next entry.
Before, I thought I could recreate the love and memory of a talented artist I knew. DNAPalmHead is a legend in the muscle macro subgroup of the furry world. I adored his growth stories, mixed with humor blended in wholesomeness and Looney Tunes style wit. It wasn’t about how many X’s one could write to a XXX Story, or the unhinged lust abounding around muscle, macro, and size play. It was just fun! Silliness, fun times, corny jokes, and humor infused into a kink-turned-obsession with me.
When he left around 2018, the world light felt like it died. Felt like is the key phrase. When I started this account, I thought I could be the literature extraordinaire who instills DNA style for print instead of digital painting. I wanted to be that next DNA, known for wholesome macro and muscle fun, just like he was. I didn’t see a subculture I loved lasting without that light in it, and I wanted to keep it alive.
Life is funny. Around 2018 was also when I found Discord, Telegram, and other chat rooms. I’ve been told I am gifted in writing RP’s among close friends, and soon that became my dominant form of writing. The FA account became a favorite-artwork-only spot over time, as college life and online life shoved it away.
When I came back earlier this year, I thought I knew what I wanted. But now I am not so sure. I didn’t have my voice in writing; there was no idea on who to write for, and I’ve been writing RP-style for so long that story-style writing rusted shut. I thought I wanted to be the next DNA, but there’s only one DNA. Only he could do what he did. When he started there was no legacy. So why was I adding that? He was just being himself. I think the final nail to my first fire’s coffin was in seeing the fanbase DNA still has today. They’re incredible; sharing his free artworks, discussing what he was like, you know, keeping the light of wholesome fun alive in his place. I adored it, but if all my reasons to write are mute, then why would I write?
I needed a concrete reply. Throw away all the words of uncertainty. No buts, and’s, uh’s, you name it. I needed a new fire, so what was my fire? What really motivates me to write stories, create RP’s, commission artworks, and interact with this subgroup? It took weeks, but I think I have an answer:
I create for my past self to show a giant world he could never explore before.
The original love for huge and strong started with a google search gone wrong. I found DNA artworks right from the start. I remember the awe I had with an innocent, impressionable mind. There was a magic to it; as if the force of tectonic plates came in anthropomorphized form. The movement of suns was as basic to this plethora of innovative titans as moving billiard balls are to us. Let alone their physiques - be they of muscle, fat, or more - defying limitations, eclipsing those we humans call bodybuilders. They appear as nothing more than egocentric ants a millimeter larger than their kind in the colossuses gaze.
Then there’s this gentleness to it. Inevitably there is the macro who’d happily stomp a building to powder; but there were the ones acting like support beams to prevent their collapse. Giants who carried sinking ships like toy boats from a bathtub to drydock. Derailed trains are model toy trains to be picked up and casually placed back on tracks. No matter how vast, a bear hug was always there for those they loved.
I want to share that same magic. If someone unaware of macros arrived here, I want them to see this giant world they’d never know before. They might think me insane, or they might love it, or both. That is why I’ll write and create. That is my new fire. I think it’ll burn lovely compared to its old one.
I hope you’re all doing ok out there. I appreciate you all staying and reading my rambles, too. Comment questions and concerns: To see them all is great and I appreciate them! I hope you can find your fire too, and as always I’ll see you in the next entry.
Thank you as always Otterplop for taking the time to comment. I wonder what your fire will become, and I hope it's as strong as you are. I hope you have a great week ahead, and thank you again so much.