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July 2021: Overthinking Things
4 years ago
Hi,
Not a lot of things have happened this month. Bluntly speaking, there are really only four events that I can remember about this month clearly. There may be other events sliced into one event, but it covers that overall situation that I was in. Looking back, there are really those events happening and that's all that I could really mention.
What was going to be one night ended up as a sleepover. I saw my friends on the 2nd of July, just for a meetup. It was difficult really getting in the headspace of being with friends and not comparing myself to them at all, which was rather impossible for me last month, and it is still difficult not to do so. Even with my friend's parents being just as creative and within the industry that the both of us would like to either be a part of or see more of. So, already, it wasn't starting off well, mentally. I was already late too, which made me believe that I would miss out on things. When the night progressed, it was okay. The thoughts still persisted but not at the same rate as before. My friends brought me to their PC, where they had set up BeamNG.drive for me to test out driving a manual for fun. I somehow did better than the person who owned her own car. We watched a few things, both YouTube videos, shows and movies, one of which was the film The Mitchells Vs. The Machines, which was fantastic and absolutely should beat Luca for the best animated movie. But as I continued throughout the night, those thoughts persisted. Am I good enough? Will I ditch these people? Will they ditch me? Will I be there for them and will they be there for me? Those thoughts of comparison also were heightened as my friend brought out her sketchbooks. Every page was like a visual reminder that I have in no way progress in skill with drawing at all. Even with the tablet test that I have posted, I cannot be what she is. I couldn't get to sleep that night. It was a pure miracle that I even slept at all that night. We said our goodbyes and that was it. One night of some fun, but equally, or even more so, with existential dread. I worry that I'm not enough. That I'm not there enough. That I'll just be forgotten, and that even if I am still with them, I'll forget them. The people who mainly sit in my mind are the people who have hurt me, and I don't want that to overtake the memories of being with friends. In some cases, it is hard to look back without thinking of those people.
A few days after, I was just at the Uni. I was having another stay in, something that I can do more regularly since the place that I'm staying isn't so far away. I've been worried about the possibility of me failing, it has been something that has been in the forefront of my mind for months ever since January when I first got the notification of preclusion. So, I check the grades as they were announced, revealing what I got.
I passed.
And yet, I felt awful.
I broke down into tears, none of which were in joy of me passing this burden on me. My mind was made sure that I was to fail this year, end up back home, away from friends, but... I won out and yet I felt worse. It isn't because things are shaping up. It's because the more I see my friends, the more I feel like I don't fit in. The more I see their judgements. I'd been feeling emotional a lot since the past month, and the combination of this and one particular scene in the film I saw with my friends, I just didn't handle it well at all. I cried for what felt like a half-hour. I held onto that idea of failing for too long that passing was the thing that I wasn't ready for. That whole night, I just couldn't handle things, so I stayed there, weeping out a lot.
Few weeks later, I went home. The delay didn't make things easier from home to home, especially while emotions were just not in a good spot. While it was good to see family, I stayed too long at home to start to see things revert back to anxious thoughts. It didn't mean that I didn't have some fun or enjoyment there. We drove to one of the highest points near the area around our home town. The place was so tall that we saw the curvature of the Earth. The sights of greenery were honestly beautiful. If the whole trip was like that, things would have been nice. But I got stuck mentally in a sense. My OCD was not in a comfort zone, which is awful, considering that is my home. It has been difficult, mainly due to me staying an extra week at home which brought tensions to a boil. If I stay too long, my parents tend to forget about OCD issues. Sometimes my family would just forget certain areas, it would usually take a week for them to just forget problem OCD areas. I annoy them with how I don't want to go near places in the house, because of even the distant memories of past things that have happened, even things that didn't even happen at home. It wasn't a pleasant final few days at home. It didn't help that when my family talked about what we had achieved during the past month, it was always the same.
My father got a new job that pays well.
My brother got a new job that would bring him closer to home.
I passed first year subjects of Uni for someone in third year.
They saw it as congratulating us (which it was) but I saw it as a reminder that I was nowhere near where I wanted to be.
I've also been trying to get into Centrelink was little to no avail. Centrelink was the one that provided me with the youth allowance during 2019 and most of 2020, but stopped as Dad got a job that paid slightly over the amount that parents need for their kids to get student allowance. And when I mean slightly, I do mean slightly. My mother is barely getting both myself, my younger brother and both her and Dad by. We tried to reapply, but unfortunately we couldn't do that because I need to be one year older to apply for it. On the dot. And the process is made even more confusing by the site in which I have to apply for a living away from home allowance.
But I got back to my home away from home in time...
...just before a state wide lockdown.
Plans were taken away for the final week of Uni holidays, which admittedly would be mostly being at the Uni itself, or being with some friends. I didn't take that well. During the final few days of being at home, all I wanted to do was be back at the Uni to do something creative. And I couldn't do that anymore. I spent a lot on food, basically just needing some kind of escape. Because of one state in Australia not doing their job, and with the whole of Australia having the least amount of vaccines in most countries, all states were in lockdown. Thankfully, it did not last long. For the state where I am. The highest amount of cases we had was 12. Currently, in NSW, there are 200+ cases. What are they doing to stop it? Nothing. The premier is doing nothing, even to the point of not wearing a mask while out and about. There were thousands of people protesting out in the streets, even punching police horses.
I've been calling up several psychologists, which has been difficult as some have given me the run around, but I've eventually got appointments with a few during Mondays. It has been slow going, but I have someone to check on me.
I'm not ready for August.
I'm not ready for Uni.
I'm not ready to be 22.
There is no doubt in my mind that things will not go well. Optimism is not high at all. I'm just so tired at this point.
What was going to be one night ended up as a sleepover. I saw my friends on the 2nd of July, just for a meetup. It was difficult really getting in the headspace of being with friends and not comparing myself to them at all, which was rather impossible for me last month, and it is still difficult not to do so. Even with my friend's parents being just as creative and within the industry that the both of us would like to either be a part of or see more of. So, already, it wasn't starting off well, mentally. I was already late too, which made me believe that I would miss out on things. When the night progressed, it was okay. The thoughts still persisted but not at the same rate as before. My friends brought me to their PC, where they had set up BeamNG.drive for me to test out driving a manual for fun. I somehow did better than the person who owned her own car. We watched a few things, both YouTube videos, shows and movies, one of which was the film The Mitchells Vs. The Machines, which was fantastic and absolutely should beat Luca for the best animated movie. But as I continued throughout the night, those thoughts persisted. Am I good enough? Will I ditch these people? Will they ditch me? Will I be there for them and will they be there for me? Those thoughts of comparison also were heightened as my friend brought out her sketchbooks. Every page was like a visual reminder that I have in no way progress in skill with drawing at all. Even with the tablet test that I have posted, I cannot be what she is. I couldn't get to sleep that night. It was a pure miracle that I even slept at all that night. We said our goodbyes and that was it. One night of some fun, but equally, or even more so, with existential dread. I worry that I'm not enough. That I'm not there enough. That I'll just be forgotten, and that even if I am still with them, I'll forget them. The people who mainly sit in my mind are the people who have hurt me, and I don't want that to overtake the memories of being with friends. In some cases, it is hard to look back without thinking of those people.
A few days after, I was just at the Uni. I was having another stay in, something that I can do more regularly since the place that I'm staying isn't so far away. I've been worried about the possibility of me failing, it has been something that has been in the forefront of my mind for months ever since January when I first got the notification of preclusion. So, I check the grades as they were announced, revealing what I got.
I passed.
And yet, I felt awful.
I broke down into tears, none of which were in joy of me passing this burden on me. My mind was made sure that I was to fail this year, end up back home, away from friends, but... I won out and yet I felt worse. It isn't because things are shaping up. It's because the more I see my friends, the more I feel like I don't fit in. The more I see their judgements. I'd been feeling emotional a lot since the past month, and the combination of this and one particular scene in the film I saw with my friends, I just didn't handle it well at all. I cried for what felt like a half-hour. I held onto that idea of failing for too long that passing was the thing that I wasn't ready for. That whole night, I just couldn't handle things, so I stayed there, weeping out a lot.
Few weeks later, I went home. The delay didn't make things easier from home to home, especially while emotions were just not in a good spot. While it was good to see family, I stayed too long at home to start to see things revert back to anxious thoughts. It didn't mean that I didn't have some fun or enjoyment there. We drove to one of the highest points near the area around our home town. The place was so tall that we saw the curvature of the Earth. The sights of greenery were honestly beautiful. If the whole trip was like that, things would have been nice. But I got stuck mentally in a sense. My OCD was not in a comfort zone, which is awful, considering that is my home. It has been difficult, mainly due to me staying an extra week at home which brought tensions to a boil. If I stay too long, my parents tend to forget about OCD issues. Sometimes my family would just forget certain areas, it would usually take a week for them to just forget problem OCD areas. I annoy them with how I don't want to go near places in the house, because of even the distant memories of past things that have happened, even things that didn't even happen at home. It wasn't a pleasant final few days at home. It didn't help that when my family talked about what we had achieved during the past month, it was always the same.
My father got a new job that pays well.
My brother got a new job that would bring him closer to home.
I passed first year subjects of Uni for someone in third year.
They saw it as congratulating us (which it was) but I saw it as a reminder that I was nowhere near where I wanted to be.
I've also been trying to get into Centrelink was little to no avail. Centrelink was the one that provided me with the youth allowance during 2019 and most of 2020, but stopped as Dad got a job that paid slightly over the amount that parents need for their kids to get student allowance. And when I mean slightly, I do mean slightly. My mother is barely getting both myself, my younger brother and both her and Dad by. We tried to reapply, but unfortunately we couldn't do that because I need to be one year older to apply for it. On the dot. And the process is made even more confusing by the site in which I have to apply for a living away from home allowance.
But I got back to my home away from home in time...
...just before a state wide lockdown.
Plans were taken away for the final week of Uni holidays, which admittedly would be mostly being at the Uni itself, or being with some friends. I didn't take that well. During the final few days of being at home, all I wanted to do was be back at the Uni to do something creative. And I couldn't do that anymore. I spent a lot on food, basically just needing some kind of escape. Because of one state in Australia not doing their job, and with the whole of Australia having the least amount of vaccines in most countries, all states were in lockdown. Thankfully, it did not last long. For the state where I am. The highest amount of cases we had was 12. Currently, in NSW, there are 200+ cases. What are they doing to stop it? Nothing. The premier is doing nothing, even to the point of not wearing a mask while out and about. There were thousands of people protesting out in the streets, even punching police horses.
I've been calling up several psychologists, which has been difficult as some have given me the run around, but I've eventually got appointments with a few during Mondays. It has been slow going, but I have someone to check on me.
I'm not ready for August.
I'm not ready for Uni.
I'm not ready to be 22.
There is no doubt in my mind that things will not go well. Optimism is not high at all. I'm just so tired at this point.
I know a fellow who turn 98 earlier this year. He grew up on the farm, before electricity got there, and while animal power was still common. He saw the worst Depression in history. Then got mixed up in the biggest War in history. And, somehow, he made it. I am NOT saying you have it easy. It's NEVER easy for the one who is Right There, Right Then. But I am saying, if nothing else, press on. Sometimes all you might have is Sheer Cussed Stubbornness of "I will not quit TODAY."
As for COVID... I found I had it. And I didn't even KNOW it, until sometime later. I work nights at upper latitude - not much sun. So I've been supplementing with D3 for "ever." And zinc is supposed to help prevent or ease colds, so I take that in Winter. All I did was up the D3 and zinc and keep at it all seasons... and I 'got by'. I won't say it's a Sure Thing. Maybe I got lucky. But much luck is preparedness. Someone close asked, "If you got it, why didn't I?" No symptoms, no (or at least almost no chance of) spread.
Oh, and for what it's worth, I once pulled out of school, having had to withdraw from one particular class THREE times. And sometime later went back - and had to talk head of the department to let me start with the class BEFORE the one I kept bailing on. That worked. It was annoying and time consuming, BUT, it worked. May you do better.
Dominus tecum