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August 2021: Miserable Feeling
4 years ago
Hi,
So... August... My birth month... I didn't want it to turn out the way it did, but I can't go back now, can I. The week long lockdown of the whole state was finally finished, taking up one week of the start of the second Uni semester. Plans were cancelled, but the overall plan of some sort of birthday party was still able to be considered. Missing the first week of the second semester, I know had a shorter time to work on assignments, especially if the assignments required files or programs that I couldn't even (and still can't) fit onto the laptop. It didn't help that when I did return to Uni, the tutor mentioned that saving projects from these programs could corrupt removable hard drives completely, making them unusable for anything. Speaking of hard drives, I was incredibly relieved that the early typed notes for the third chapter of To Become Of Us was on my hard drive. It might not be everything, but it had the main part of the document that I wanted. I am incredibly glad I had something, because if I didn't, I honestly probably would have considered completely getting rid of it, meaning no more of Enedia's history, or of the cursees. I continued seeing people for my mental health every Monday early on in the month, and it was helpful. It was just helpful to see people and to talk about it without the feeling of wasting their time discussing my state of mind. Despite them changing psychologists each time, it was still good. I also finally took the time to get my skin checked for any potential skin cancers. We just removed an irritated mole, so thankfully it is nothing serious.
Coming back into Uni was at times therapeutic as it was stressful. Uni remains to be a safe haven of sorts for me. What wasn't great was the introduction of an absolutely tedious subject, where at some stage, people had to watch reality shows like Survivor and such. This wasn't a first year subject either, it was a second year subject, where second year subjects tend to bring in more specialized assignments and ideas, this one didn't. The tutor didn't make it any more exciting either, and when someone entered the room accidentally and were told what subject this was, they didn't sound like they enjoyed doing it. The assignments were all essays. No video essays like I had done for lots of first and second year subjects, this was just written essays, all talking about the films that we were supposed to watch. I dropped out of it. I didn't find any part of it interesting, and with the assignments all being written essays, it failed to do anything to capture my imagination, unlike another subject that I think is a bit dull but has some assignments where I can imagine what I can do with it. I wanted to do something for a friend who had been bullied out of her theatre groups, so I said that whatever assignment I would have that would allow me some creative freedom, I would record her singing songs from Wicked, as it was a musical that she missed out on due to her experiences with the group (The exact same group as the one that did Little Shop Of Horrors), and that slightly dull subject has that certain assignment that allows that idea to happen.
But with the Uni coming back also came the fears and the feelings of failure. It is already tough knowing I failed so badly I would have to be held back, but 2023 is not a date I had in mind for graduating. I still see that date as something where I can't be with my friends. They would finish two years before I would. And it would be a mid-year graduation, so I would even graduate with the friends I've made restarting first-year subjects.
And a 22nd birthday coming up, that really just put a lot of perspective with how much I have procrastinated and distracted myself throughout the already two and a half years I've been at the Uni. My 22nd birthday was... good. There were some absolutely fantastic moments, a lot of fun, good places to go and see, and great food. I enjoyed it, I enjoyed my friends being there and I enjoyed the fun that we had. But I couldn't fully enjoy it when it was happening. My anxiety at times got the better of me. My thoughts would go to comparing myself to them once again. And I had a small panic attack when we were playing pool (billiards). But I got through it. I took video of it. I enjoyed it so much by the end of it. I enjoyed the next day as well for the most part, going to an event with my family called Illuminate, where the Botanic Gardens in the city are filled with lights and smoke, though it did unintentionally look like there might have been a small fire. It honestly looked beautiful at times, where whole buildings were glowing with light in time to music. You could see the lights from far away, it was impressive and very beautiful.
But that's where the good things stopped. I'm just disappointed to have had a moment like I did. My family and I had a decent night out and when they returned to my place for a small toilet break, all they did was complain about how I have kept my room up and they talked about my reputation in the place. It is that line about reputation that soured the whole weekend. My family feels obsessed with image, reputation and their perspective amongst people, even if these people had never met, heard or cared about them in the first place. I noticed it a lot during the later years of high-school, and it would seem like they would take priority over how people see them rather than any issues of mental health. When they left, I didn't hug them, I didn't see them out, I rarely said goodbye. I just wasn't happy. They still view that moment as me being "cranky" about the mess and not about the comment that they had made and what it meant to me.
From that point on, I felt miserable. I returned back into a cycle of depression. I felt miserable about how Australia (well, one part of Australia) was handling COVID cases, as they were growing in their thousands and the premier of that state didn't (and still continues not to) lockdown the state, leaving other states and even other countries infected by the strain. Uni computers continued to crash, while I was working. I had panic attacks and they were getting worse, I was hitting my head more and more as these invasive thoughts started to get worse and worse. I couldn't get Centrelink until the start of the next month, and even then, there are doubts still of whether I can get it. And when I tried to get assignments done, the entire area where the Uni was blacked out. There was no power. No lights. No traffic lights. No way to get in. No way to work. When power was back on, their system was finally able to show the due dates, and when I accessed them for the first time, I was two days overdue. It had already passed it's due date. I asked for an extension. I didn't get one for either. What didn't help were calls from my parents asking "Are you actually going to pass this semester?". Even if it was due to them being worried, presenting it like that doesn't help anyone, let alone the person who is already not in the best mood with them. All three assignments. Nothing handed up. Incomplete or failed.
I was so tired. There were nights where I stayed up until 3am in the morning, and days where I woke up at 6pm. Sometimes during the 3am walk back home, I would walk on the road, whispering the words "Please hit me" to any lights that I could see.
And to top it all off, those people who I saw for my mental health stopped calling around mid-way through the month. They said that my "case was closed" and that my GP cancelled it. I had heard nothing from my GP, nor did they call me to say that this was the case. During the hardest days of this month, I had no idea what was going on with these sessions. My GP said nothing about it at all, so my honest guess is that she had nothing to do with the cancellations and that the people who I was seeing have just stopped.
It's been a hard month.
With the possibility of me failing once again, it's going to be a hard year. I'm trying to get help, trying to find ways to vent off this anger and sadness, but sometimes I have no way of doing so. There have been times were I have just screamed inside the Uni when it is late, because I know that no one will be there on some days. I at least have that comfort.
Coming back into Uni was at times therapeutic as it was stressful. Uni remains to be a safe haven of sorts for me. What wasn't great was the introduction of an absolutely tedious subject, where at some stage, people had to watch reality shows like Survivor and such. This wasn't a first year subject either, it was a second year subject, where second year subjects tend to bring in more specialized assignments and ideas, this one didn't. The tutor didn't make it any more exciting either, and when someone entered the room accidentally and were told what subject this was, they didn't sound like they enjoyed doing it. The assignments were all essays. No video essays like I had done for lots of first and second year subjects, this was just written essays, all talking about the films that we were supposed to watch. I dropped out of it. I didn't find any part of it interesting, and with the assignments all being written essays, it failed to do anything to capture my imagination, unlike another subject that I think is a bit dull but has some assignments where I can imagine what I can do with it. I wanted to do something for a friend who had been bullied out of her theatre groups, so I said that whatever assignment I would have that would allow me some creative freedom, I would record her singing songs from Wicked, as it was a musical that she missed out on due to her experiences with the group (The exact same group as the one that did Little Shop Of Horrors), and that slightly dull subject has that certain assignment that allows that idea to happen.
But with the Uni coming back also came the fears and the feelings of failure. It is already tough knowing I failed so badly I would have to be held back, but 2023 is not a date I had in mind for graduating. I still see that date as something where I can't be with my friends. They would finish two years before I would. And it would be a mid-year graduation, so I would even graduate with the friends I've made restarting first-year subjects.
And a 22nd birthday coming up, that really just put a lot of perspective with how much I have procrastinated and distracted myself throughout the already two and a half years I've been at the Uni. My 22nd birthday was... good. There were some absolutely fantastic moments, a lot of fun, good places to go and see, and great food. I enjoyed it, I enjoyed my friends being there and I enjoyed the fun that we had. But I couldn't fully enjoy it when it was happening. My anxiety at times got the better of me. My thoughts would go to comparing myself to them once again. And I had a small panic attack when we were playing pool (billiards). But I got through it. I took video of it. I enjoyed it so much by the end of it. I enjoyed the next day as well for the most part, going to an event with my family called Illuminate, where the Botanic Gardens in the city are filled with lights and smoke, though it did unintentionally look like there might have been a small fire. It honestly looked beautiful at times, where whole buildings were glowing with light in time to music. You could see the lights from far away, it was impressive and very beautiful.
But that's where the good things stopped. I'm just disappointed to have had a moment like I did. My family and I had a decent night out and when they returned to my place for a small toilet break, all they did was complain about how I have kept my room up and they talked about my reputation in the place. It is that line about reputation that soured the whole weekend. My family feels obsessed with image, reputation and their perspective amongst people, even if these people had never met, heard or cared about them in the first place. I noticed it a lot during the later years of high-school, and it would seem like they would take priority over how people see them rather than any issues of mental health. When they left, I didn't hug them, I didn't see them out, I rarely said goodbye. I just wasn't happy. They still view that moment as me being "cranky" about the mess and not about the comment that they had made and what it meant to me.
From that point on, I felt miserable. I returned back into a cycle of depression. I felt miserable about how Australia (well, one part of Australia) was handling COVID cases, as they were growing in their thousands and the premier of that state didn't (and still continues not to) lockdown the state, leaving other states and even other countries infected by the strain. Uni computers continued to crash, while I was working. I had panic attacks and they were getting worse, I was hitting my head more and more as these invasive thoughts started to get worse and worse. I couldn't get Centrelink until the start of the next month, and even then, there are doubts still of whether I can get it. And when I tried to get assignments done, the entire area where the Uni was blacked out. There was no power. No lights. No traffic lights. No way to get in. No way to work. When power was back on, their system was finally able to show the due dates, and when I accessed them for the first time, I was two days overdue. It had already passed it's due date. I asked for an extension. I didn't get one for either. What didn't help were calls from my parents asking "Are you actually going to pass this semester?". Even if it was due to them being worried, presenting it like that doesn't help anyone, let alone the person who is already not in the best mood with them. All three assignments. Nothing handed up. Incomplete or failed.
I was so tired. There were nights where I stayed up until 3am in the morning, and days where I woke up at 6pm. Sometimes during the 3am walk back home, I would walk on the road, whispering the words "Please hit me" to any lights that I could see.
And to top it all off, those people who I saw for my mental health stopped calling around mid-way through the month. They said that my "case was closed" and that my GP cancelled it. I had heard nothing from my GP, nor did they call me to say that this was the case. During the hardest days of this month, I had no idea what was going on with these sessions. My GP said nothing about it at all, so my honest guess is that she had nothing to do with the cancellations and that the people who I was seeing have just stopped.
It's been a hard month.
With the possibility of me failing once again, it's going to be a hard year. I'm trying to get help, trying to find ways to vent off this anger and sadness, but sometimes I have no way of doing so. There have been times were I have just screamed inside the Uni when it is late, because I know that no one will be there on some days. I at least have that comfort.
