I feel so trapped.. It all feels so surreal, my mind continues to scream and beg for help. Yet none will ever for me. I'm told so much that I wish I could simply shrug off as lies and things simply told to bring me down.

I'm told.. I'm told that my emotions, this feeling of aching sadness is all but fake, I'm an idiot to be hallucinating such fake emotions. My heart feels like there's a hand around it, the fingers curling and digging their nails into it every second. Though I can't tell it apart from even breathing. It's become natural to me.

Yet it shouldn't be, no one should see it as natural. A literally suffocating feeling isn't a pleasant one, especially inflicted upon the very center of yourself, your heart. Yet no one listens, as it beats as silent as ever. Yet it can't be told apart from a heart which is dead or alive, it's simply existing without purpose but to host a vessel that has long since deteriorated itself

I've been told so many things in my life, those who are closest to me have never realized how severe these emotions can be, I've hidden this monster that is eating away at my heart for too long. It was never them, it was never anyone I've interacted with. I'm solely convinced of one thing, it's not you nor the world.

It's just me. I am the issue, I am responsible for this, everything I've ever done and said is something I am responsible for doing. Yet, why would I be responsible for breaking myself down as a person? My age, though questioned is certainly way too early to be experiencing such feelings.

Never have I seen things as clear as I do now. I know what it's like to be held responsible, yet I would usually rather not take the responsibility for actions I have done. Yet this feels so different, something I know for a matter of fact is my fault. I have an issue, I feel so defective from everyone else.. Why? Why me?

No one can answer my question, no one may ever even answer my cries, as no one will hear me even preach or pray. A silent wish for hope and freedom from this torturous grip set upon my very soul. Yet I am restraint and held by bonds that I have set upon myself. Only in hopes of things becoming better by their lonesome.

I've figured life is a simple cycle, I may experience something less pleasant or something plain horrible, yet there's always going to be that light that can guide me to see and experience the bright side of most situations. I've waited and waited for so long, this light has ever since seemed so dim. But the more I stared the more I realize that just like life.

Nothing is what it seems, everything is so distant, so foggy and gone to a simple blur in my vision. will this light reach me someday? I continue to pray, yet will these simple cries for someone to help be answered? Nay, I say. As I am solely responsible for everything, and to be held accountable for my unruly and unjust actions against myself.

Yet why must I be punished by simply being brought down by those who I love? Those that I have known for so long, only to be taught the way of this world. I am not to be accepted the way I am, a defect from the ideal person. I am made to be normal and fit in, yet I chose individuality.

Individuality only has led me to this point, being different has been nothing but a curse to my very being. Seeing as only I can ever notice this, I feel exactly the way I've been taught to view those in situations like mine. We are stupid, we are defect and unpredictable in the worst possible manner. So many things have been said to me that I want to block out, yet that is reality. Why would I live a ignorant life when I can live one of truth?

Painful.
Horrid.
Truth.

But don't take any of that from me, take that from someone who's parents have told him many times all of this. I am an interference with the proper world we live in, I feel a need to be eradicated and to simply feel no more, be it my emotions or just in general. To be stoic is a blessing only those that are dedicated can achieve. If only.. If only I knew better than to be this way.

I'm not okay.