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A decision to give up dating.
4 years ago
Begin Transmission...
When it comes to journals and social media, I don't write anything at all nor do I approach people I do not know respectively (reasons why can be read up on via my Featured/Pinned Journal). This journal entry, however, is an exception for me since it is about a recent decision I have come to make and a tiny rant about said decision. That being said, this feels very awkward for me to write this journal, so please forgive my writing quality.
Out from the piles of bullshit this pandemic has brought me came one positive thing; free time. This free time has given me the opportunity to conduct an inventory of my self, such as where I am currently in life, how far behind I am on all sorts of things, reaffirm where I stand on various topics, and make some much needed decisions.
One such decision I have come to make recently is to completely stop my attempts at dating and looking for that special intimate partner. While I realize that making such a decision is not going to be healthy in the long term, I feel that removing this weight off my shoulders will give me back the energy I need to catch up on everything I have fallen behind on. But there are more reasons for this decision than just this:
The first reasoning is that I am currently not in a good point my life. To start, I had to move back in with my parents several years ago in order to help my mother with the care of my grandmother and sister. And I am still with them today, helping my folks and my sister. Furthermore, due to my diagnosis of my left eye and the raging pandemic, I am unable to return to working as a logistics driver. After discussions with my family, I decided to get back into college, and take up on my mother's offer to start a business with her. Basically, what this all means is I will still be living with my family as a result of this, which will be a glaring red flag to whom ever I'm interested in and/or whom ever may be interested in me, regardless of my circumstances.
Second, I feel like crap AND look like crap. Depression, AADD, OCD, and plenty of stress managed to really wear me down over the years. I am in a constant sruggle with my depressive eating disorder (where I eat too much when I am very depressed) while also fighting to lose more weight. It has become quite a daily fight to get myself hyped up to go and do work around the house, or exercise, or work on start up prep work for my business. At 37 years old I am beginning to get white hair all over, which is quite a gut punch to my self-esteem. My energy and motivation for nearly everything is at all time lows. Because of this, I feel like I won't have the youthful energy to devote to a significant other, AND I feel like I am not appealing anymore.
Third, I am 37 years old, and 3 flippin' years away from 40. I have no doubt that my age is going to play a huge factor in rendering me even more unappealing, especially when I cross that damn 40 year mark.
Fourth, I strongly reject the argument that was given to me by my counselor and other people; where intimate relationships are nothing more than an arrangement of compromises. I do not believe that. The reason why I do not believe it is not because of me being selfish (far from it!). It is because I have seen/heard how relationships that run on this game of compromises operate from people that I know (my parents being one of them). And the results of this 'game of compromises' I witnessed were not good; constant arguments and fights, bickering, disagreements, no enjoyment, no happiness, no fun. An initimate relationship should be freakin' fantastic, fresh, awesome, happy, and all other good words, always. Both for me AND the significant other. I do not wish to go through that.
Lastly, this next one plays off of the fourth. I know what kind of person I seek. I know what kind of person is right for me. What this means is that I have expectations/requirements that I am not willing to budge on. I will not name these expectations/requirements here because they are personal. I believe that there are individuals that exist whom are perfect for other people in terms of intimate relationships. However, I also believe that such individuals are rare, few, and far in between. The odds are clearly stacked against me, but there is no other recourse than me accepting these odds, and just hope and what not that things will eventually change for the the better in a way that is mind blowing.
Making this decision really sucks for me because I am the type of person who actually craves for an intimate relationship. And its not just about the intimacy, but to share in the adventures, fun times, and fantastic experiences with someone special, those sort of things I yearn for. I honestly wish that my circumstances were way better than now, that I was more appealing, and not as scatter brained. But, at the moment, I have to accept that finding someone is just very unlikely to happen.
Right now, I am so behind on everything, and I need to dedicate as much energy and what ever motivation I have left, to just catch up. I need to improve my health, work towards obtaining a degree in engineering, get my business up and running, learn new things, pursue hobbies that I have been meaning to (drawing and writing), and put forth my best effort to salvage what I have left and get myself to a better position in life.
I will remain hopeful that this will eventually change, that I may discover that special significant other. But I won't hold my breath until such a time. Right now, I have to get to work and catch up.
At least I have my imagination to serve as an analog to experiencing such a thing. And more than likely, after the surgery is done on my eye, I will start drawing and writing more often, which would allow me to illustrate these fictional experiences.
Out from the piles of bullshit this pandemic has brought me came one positive thing; free time. This free time has given me the opportunity to conduct an inventory of my self, such as where I am currently in life, how far behind I am on all sorts of things, reaffirm where I stand on various topics, and make some much needed decisions.
One such decision I have come to make recently is to completely stop my attempts at dating and looking for that special intimate partner. While I realize that making such a decision is not going to be healthy in the long term, I feel that removing this weight off my shoulders will give me back the energy I need to catch up on everything I have fallen behind on. But there are more reasons for this decision than just this:
The first reasoning is that I am currently not in a good point my life. To start, I had to move back in with my parents several years ago in order to help my mother with the care of my grandmother and sister. And I am still with them today, helping my folks and my sister. Furthermore, due to my diagnosis of my left eye and the raging pandemic, I am unable to return to working as a logistics driver. After discussions with my family, I decided to get back into college, and take up on my mother's offer to start a business with her. Basically, what this all means is I will still be living with my family as a result of this, which will be a glaring red flag to whom ever I'm interested in and/or whom ever may be interested in me, regardless of my circumstances.
Second, I feel like crap AND look like crap. Depression, AADD, OCD, and plenty of stress managed to really wear me down over the years. I am in a constant sruggle with my depressive eating disorder (where I eat too much when I am very depressed) while also fighting to lose more weight. It has become quite a daily fight to get myself hyped up to go and do work around the house, or exercise, or work on start up prep work for my business. At 37 years old I am beginning to get white hair all over, which is quite a gut punch to my self-esteem. My energy and motivation for nearly everything is at all time lows. Because of this, I feel like I won't have the youthful energy to devote to a significant other, AND I feel like I am not appealing anymore.
Third, I am 37 years old, and 3 flippin' years away from 40. I have no doubt that my age is going to play a huge factor in rendering me even more unappealing, especially when I cross that damn 40 year mark.
Fourth, I strongly reject the argument that was given to me by my counselor and other people; where intimate relationships are nothing more than an arrangement of compromises. I do not believe that. The reason why I do not believe it is not because of me being selfish (far from it!). It is because I have seen/heard how relationships that run on this game of compromises operate from people that I know (my parents being one of them). And the results of this 'game of compromises' I witnessed were not good; constant arguments and fights, bickering, disagreements, no enjoyment, no happiness, no fun. An initimate relationship should be freakin' fantastic, fresh, awesome, happy, and all other good words, always. Both for me AND the significant other. I do not wish to go through that.
Lastly, this next one plays off of the fourth. I know what kind of person I seek. I know what kind of person is right for me. What this means is that I have expectations/requirements that I am not willing to budge on. I will not name these expectations/requirements here because they are personal. I believe that there are individuals that exist whom are perfect for other people in terms of intimate relationships. However, I also believe that such individuals are rare, few, and far in between. The odds are clearly stacked against me, but there is no other recourse than me accepting these odds, and just hope and what not that things will eventually change for the the better in a way that is mind blowing.
Making this decision really sucks for me because I am the type of person who actually craves for an intimate relationship. And its not just about the intimacy, but to share in the adventures, fun times, and fantastic experiences with someone special, those sort of things I yearn for. I honestly wish that my circumstances were way better than now, that I was more appealing, and not as scatter brained. But, at the moment, I have to accept that finding someone is just very unlikely to happen.
Right now, I am so behind on everything, and I need to dedicate as much energy and what ever motivation I have left, to just catch up. I need to improve my health, work towards obtaining a degree in engineering, get my business up and running, learn new things, pursue hobbies that I have been meaning to (drawing and writing), and put forth my best effort to salvage what I have left and get myself to a better position in life.
I will remain hopeful that this will eventually change, that I may discover that special significant other. But I won't hold my breath until such a time. Right now, I have to get to work and catch up.
At least I have my imagination to serve as an analog to experiencing such a thing. And more than likely, after the surgery is done on my eye, I will start drawing and writing more often, which would allow me to illustrate these fictional experiences.
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