Ooooookay then.

I wasn't ready for talking about this for a few days, but here we go.
As a preamble to the main thing to keep in mind, I was mostly neglected when I was young. In terms of affection, attention - which is to say if there was a problem that wasn't very serious, it would have been ignored, which is why a *lot* of this never came to light until the fairly to very recently. This has also caused other problems, but the main takeaway here is, I had no idea of these things at the time.

I've left Hungary at the end of 2011 in order to pursue better financial opportunities than remaining in a dying joke of a country - which has since sunk to some incredibly deep lows in terms of political happenings.
I arrived in the UK in 2012 and have been here, with my lovely girlfriend, since. It's only been since that moment when I touched down that I started getting any real attention and consideration. From what I eat to my general health, what I wanted, what I needed, and so much more. There's a fat story here, but perhaps another time. The short version is my partner's family accepted me as a member of the family, and her mom has called me 'her son' in the last couple of years <3.

This was, quite sadly - and I was TWENTY FIVE at the time - one of the first real times I've been shown to be more than just a bit of furniture in the corner. I was paid attention to and treated like a person and actually grew closer to someone that wasn't "there" (and would go when I wasn't needed) but really *there* , and there for me as well. That & simply getting away from my mentally and emotionally blackmailing, abusive mother ALONE has done wonders for me, the prior year.
Ever since, I've been poked and prodded into various examinations and evaluations, some of which were psychological, some of which were not. There's a lot I'm still not 100% sure about, and there are things I'm close to 100% sure about but have no official diagnosis.

The simplest way to say this is, I am *tremendously* fucked up. Between the neglect for most of my young to adult life, a disastrously stupid choice destroying my future, and the various abusive behaviours I had to put up with, *before* the actual proper mental problems, only looking back now has it become clear that it has been a very hard ride so far. It's still just as hard, but I have a few wonderful people now, who love me and look out for me. So in some ways, it's easier, but I do still live with everything I've lived with before - and the way things look now....well.

Finally getting to the actual thing, here's a list of what I can remember I'm dealing with, every single day that impacts mental health from mildly to severely :

-ADHD - Combined Type ( https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/hea.....seases/adhdadd ). This is why for the longest time I have said and thought I had Bipolar Disorder. It took a last year evaluation to tell me, you don't quite have Bipolar, but you have something very similar that stems from your ADHD. I'm both energetic and bouncy and move too much, talk too much *and* forget things within 2 seconds of doing or thinking them. A LOT.
Problems caused : 24\7 brain on. Very hard to get to sleep normally, 40+ minutes tossing and turning if I'm lucky, can not tell my brain to stop \ stfu. Always rolling *multiple thoughts* if not long, complicated trains of thoughts in my head at any given time. I have a pretty severe problem with "Task initiation" , as per ADHD standard. Starting stuff is incredibly difficult, but I do lose interest quickly and abandon a lot of things. (Made worse by social pressures, expectations and disinterest\contempt)
Change : I'm on medication for this. It helps a fair bit, though task initiation is still pretty awful, it levels me out nicely.

-Autistic Spectrum. ( https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/facts.html )I've not been formally diagnosed for this but there's really no question about it, even my closest loved ones are very sure there is a modicum of Autism here. I keep to myself pretty hard, hide in my little corner, melt into some entertainment or games. Anything to occupy my brain with some stimulus and stop the constant thinking and the inevitable bad thoughts that happen here. Why are there bad thoughts? I've survived a lot of shit. A *LOT* of shit. Decades of neglect, frequent abuse of my person and my trust will also do that. Primarily the destroyed future, nowadays. I've always been 'weird' in how I did things, and a lot of the things mentioned on the link apply to me. To make this simpler, from top to bottom : Y N Y Y Y Y N N And Yes for all the rest. Things like this make interacting with the world at least very different, and often invites hostility or backlash.
Problems caused : Too fucking many.

-Double Depression. This is a thing is properly called Dysthymic Disorder, and it is *nasty* ( https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases.....s/syc-20350929 ). Comes with fun stuff like low to zero self-worth, suicidal thoughts (near-constant, by the way), and other fun stuff. Even "normal" people in this world have a lot to be pissed, scared, or confused about. Imagine the autistic idiot who was raised so badly, he's never been given the hooks and skills needed to function in the wider world and had to learn how to even interact with others off fucking cartoons. This is very serious, and in my case manifests as extreme lethargy, not seeing a point to much of anything, doubts\fears immediately manifesting on suggestions that, inevitably will take time, money, or both, and \ or do not offer a definite answer or solution.
Problems caused : Very difficult to function in a day to day capacity. "Forget" or ignore basic needs like eating for many hours at a time just so I don't "have" to do something. Generally speaking, I, at this very moment, do not want to be alive and would prefer to go and do something to help that happen. *But* I'd be leaving my wonderful girlfriend more alone in a world that took someone dear to us this year already, and I don't want that more than I want to not exist. Low (Close to zero) self-esteem means I can't see what I do, and value is comedically low next to someone who does the same thing for me or someone else, even if it's a very large, helpful, or important *thing* I've done for someone. Consequently, when complemented, I flat-out don't believe it. Not in the "you're lying" sense, more in the "That can't be true" sense. I literally think there is no future for me, and have no hope of anything left ♪. I feel guilty about nothing in particular for multiple hours each day, and if there isn't something to feel guilty about but my brain wants me to, it *makes* me think of something in a guilty way. Things I "should have" done though nobody asked or expected me to, that sort of thing. I also pretty much *hate*myself and find things to prop this feeling up if there is nothing around at the moment. Things like if *I* try this , it won't work. *I* can't succeed. *I* won't make it are also included. Does not help that I've been shown repeatedly that this is true, expected, and ENFORCED.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD. https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/co.....rder/overview/ ). This is a recent find and explains a lot. Scroll down to the symptoms and - yeah. All four. VERY all four >.>;. Especially that first one. While I was told that my emotional imbalances were likely something to do with ADHD by the person interviewing me, BPD fits the bill much more readily. Often thought to be caused by - drumroll please - neglect at a young age! This is not officially diagnosed but fits all the symptoms and definitions 100% perfectly.
Problems caused : Extreme and near-immediate mood swings. Emotions feel almost physical and radiate out in a feeling unlike pain but one that greatly resembles pain - though not physical, of course. An example is, we used to have a routine where we'd drive to Costa and pick up a bunch of coffee before driving on to sit in the car overlooking a beach and enjoy the sights and sounds, nearby. A lively conversation means the driver forgot to turn off and we went past Costa, which ...just freaked me out? It wasn't a shivering, quivering, screaming mess like some might think, but it *was* enough to deeply unsettle me and put a very dark twist on my mood. Even in hindsight, I'm not completely sure why. Expectations dashed? Broken routine? I really don't know. Which is topical, because...

Alexithymia. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia ) Or, simply put, the inability to tell how you are feeling. This isn't omnipresent. As sad as that is, I identify with negative emotions much more than positive ones. A combination of my history and problems, probably. That is to say, I can more easily tell if I'm sad or angry (which I still very frequently am), than if I'm excited or happy or other such things. Even neutral emotions are difficult for me to really discern. Except disinterest - ADHD makes disinterest stingingly powerful. When I don't care about something, I *really* don't care about something. This has made asking meaningful questions about the state of my mind and mood quite difficult some times, as I'd mostly come back with "Huh. Never paid attention to it" on first blush, rather than a real answer. It just. Goes? Quietly in the night, passing by.
Problems caused : Hampered diagnosis, blocking help of various types temporarily, completely since nobody could be very sure what I needed or wanted at that given moment, or months down the line >.>;. Very strong, prevalent every single day. I can tell the moral value of actions though. I would not kick an animal except in self-defense, as that would be abuse and painful for the creature. Likewise, I wouldn't crack jokes at a funeral. I'm aware of certain social norms and cues, just..mostly none of my own.

Complex PTSD. ( https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/co.....-ptsd/complex/ ) Also a fairly recent discovery. As the page says, constant guilt and shame, losing focus, emotional regulation issues. I also have very frequent headaches, minimum of 2 a week, usually 3 - I woke up with a moderately strong one today, in fact. Stomach aches are a thing but they *might be* related to another, physical problem so ... I've got a number of traumas that would like to claim the award for this one, so there's not really a question in my mind that I'm suffering from this, especially as the thoughts do go back to these places without intentionally wishing to do so, some times. Have I mentioned that I simply can't control what I think about most of the time?
Problems caused : More shame, more suicidal thoughts, more wobbly emotional problems.

How does all this affect me, what is the average day or experience like?
I'll wake up and immediately try to go to some kind of engagement. Tablet game dailies, reading news on the PC, gaming, replying to messages. On the rare occasion I have the life energy left to, I might even have my breakfast after taking my ADHD medication. Time then melts away and until I have something to do, it's whatever I latch on to. This tends to break around noon when I walk my doggo, since this is a thing I "have" to do. (Clarification : ADHD people generally love ultimatums as they take it as a motivator to actually get things done). Afterwards, I get home and unless there's something to do, I melt back into whatever I was doing, or something adjacent, similar, etc. I can do smaller chores no problem, but have to allocate "chunks" of my time for other, larger things. This breaks up the day in a bad way in my mind and it feels anxiety-inducing more often than not that there isn't a larger block of time I can see for me, or not sure how long things take or any complications that may arise, etc etc etc. If I get advance warning, I can cope with it, generally. If someone suddenly springs something on me, that tends to be *real bad* for my anxiety. Unless it's a logical emergency like someone needs me to do something big *right now* or X. Whatever I do I mix in music \ youtube noise \ games \socials in some fashion. And yes, *all at once*. My ADHD is half-leashed, I can pay short but intense attention to 3-4 things very easily, at the same time. It doesn't last super long for obvious reasons. If a "normal person" 's concentration is a lake that drains and fills slowly, mine is an oasis. Smaller, dries up much quicker, but refills much quicker too. When I'm helping my girl with her work, it tends to be 5-15 minutes of focusing on that, flaking out for 2-5 then going back to it. The mini interruptions help me a lot. I look forward to very little, I do little most of the time and I look forward to sleep as being closer to *something* small (usually an event in a mobile game I play), and the equalizing , resetting effect of sleep that tends to drag me back to or very close to neutral. Which, for the record, is apathy, lethargy, quiet internal misery, doubt, guilt, confusion and uncertainty .
Or, to simplify this, I don't really do much but am available for people to talk to, vent at, perv-roleplay with (This is taken for granted a fair bit), but mostly find myself not being wanted or needed and feeling worse for it until enough time has passed that I can sleep again.

"Why don't you X or Y?" Tried it, can't try it, not applicable. Of the self-starter things I've tried, I tried to stream, daily, for 3-4 hours. I wanted to be reliable, consistent and make people laugh, smile, give them a good place to relax. Well, after 500+ days, missing 0 days even when I felt like absolute dogshit, not only was it not going anywhere, but someone just...straight up used me to get clout for themselves and break down the tiny joke thing I built, that I hoped, and *needed* to be much bigger and serious by that point. Some times I'll think "I might like to do some kind of music" but what? live instruments? Composing? How? What software? Doubts, fears, uncertainty. Or sometimes, "Art. I'd love to be able to do art" but then it happens again. How do I do that? What do I do? I *have* tools for both of these things and I've practiced a bit for both..but only with oversight. Without guidance, I'm kind of crap, honestly. Apparently I was *real* talented for artist ...I don't know, logic? Passive skill? But um, I can't sit down and think, I'll doodle some random crap. I forget things, how am I supposed to do this, etc. It won't quite look like however I want it to, it'll look like a shit 5 year old kid's thing so I'll nope out of it quickly because failure sucks and I don't need more of it in my life. To put it simply, I can't seem to work up the *anything* to develop another hobby or skill.

In addition to which, joy of any kind is *incredibly* rare for me. Very VERY brief when it does occur, and it's very easy for another external thing to just shit all over it. I'm talking minor annoyance from something - like a packet of salt - falling over and *not even spilling*, to things dropping, things missing, not being sure how to handle things with new situations (Being afraid of fucking up, essentially), or just...things I see. And I see things. Inevitably. I try to limit it all, left Twitter to enhance my mental health a while back, but the "Technology" news I check each day doesn't stop at gaming and tech and science. Some times, crap filters in because Google News is awful. Things that feel like reminders of hopelessness, personally targeted prods at my incapabilities, or just having to watch others - often worse people - express garbage opinions, luck into yet more fame, yet more attention, yet more money while doing as close to nothing for it as possible. When you've all but literally torn your nails off clawing and scraping while you had the willpower to, and then you see *that* shit, it's not great.

I used to default to games to pass time, explore a new world, enjoy myself. Even that's become *very hard* right now. I've been a Tales fan and Tales of Arise just came out a few days ago. Despite preordering it, I've not even attempted to launch it. I've *thought* about it, but there is this weird block even with things I really like(d?) and enjoy(ed?) that makes me just ...not be able to do it. If I do launch anything like that it's inconsequential stuff like Deep Rock Galactic (Game's great. Just - no story, no investment required, 20-40 minutes at a time) and just...age. I've become more broken than before, by an order of magnitudes, but have at least kept the breakage from spilling out and distressing others. Minus when they ask how I'm doing and I'm too tired to fake being fine >.>;. That's about where I am today. Could, "should" do this or that but just no energy, no real drive. No real point.


These are the ones I can remember, at the moment.
Undiagnosed things, unidentified things, or powerful things that weigh in on my mental health also exist, however.

There's definitely more, including random and frequent anxiety spikes \ attacks which vary between Pure Physical (shaking, quivering, no emotional triggers or responses) to Pure Mental (*INCREDIBLE* feeling of overwhelming doom, impending death and catastrophe. Sudden, almost never with a proper identifiable trigger, lasts 15 minutes to hours and hours and hours...) . I haven't looked really hard to identify if there is a subset of anxiety stuff that applies to me, but it's quite crippling when it decides to be a more mental one.
I'm troubled by the state of the world, which is a roughly five times longer journal nobody is ready for, including myself.
I have also been told a few years ago that I will lose my dominant arm at some point in the future, which is...you know, fantastic to hear. Oh, and it will involve pain, more pain, and horrible pain. If I treat my dominant arm like a normal person would now, I would be howling in agony from the extreme physical pain, but *on the regular* , for now, it's fine.

Yeah, the whole "no future" thing is the strongest one in here. I can - technically, but I won't be able to - get a new arm, and it doesn't hurt yet, so that's fairly chill at the moment. Not seeing a way forward, completely believing there is no future, no hope, and no point however, are ...different. Difficult. A massive amount of my guilt and shame come from this one particular thing, though I've both tried to change this in the past, only to be shown it not worth the time, money, effort, or all three. From simply getting noped, to blocked, to outright sabotaged, there has been nothing that worked out for me with this, when I badly needed it to. Each failure took more and more of my will to live, and there's zero or as close as you can get left now. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I like. And I know it doesn't matter - barely anyone cares, there is pretty much no help. All my effort has been rewarded with disinterest, contempt, or abuse. Without hyperbole, it feels like most if not the entire world is, otherwise, against me. I will never be given *a* chance, nevermind the second, third, fourth chances people bumblefuck over after failing important qualificational tests, causing losses, abusing others physically or emotionally. I've seen other, worse people fall into luck that I should have had to make up for the other humongous deficits I've lived with in my life.

Yeah. You can simplify it down to "Oh he feels sorry for himself" because...yeah? Yeah I do? I'm not okay, not physically, especially not emotionally, and maximally not okay with what the future has in store. I want to go to Japan, but odds are I'll never get to go and see it, so what I want doesn't matter. I wanted to do this or that, but at the time haven't had the money, or the training, and now it's one or another type of gone or impossible. Without any of the ego attached to this that, you know, inherently sounds like it's attached to this : I deserve better. So do most people. But my mistake is expecting "the universe" or some stupid karmic scale to actually balance things and make me viable for life, which I'm currently not, and am only experiencing monstrously suffocating reassurances that this is in fact the case. It's the logical conclusion of TV platitudes like "Just smile and it will be okay" or "It will turn out all right in the end" - it hasn't. It won't.
I've tried.

Final note : May edit this for clarity or add additional ones I find or remember. Will reply to comments, though I can't imagine all of them will be fantastic.

Edit 1 : And naturally I was in too much of a forgetful hurry to include that, yes, I've been a pain and not ideal in the past before. There's still a great deal attributed to me that has never occurred, and a few things I'm categorically *not* going to apologize for, but it's undeniable that I've been subpar in the past. Plainly speaking, *In notes*, people are welcome to comment or ask about this, try to reach out, work out whatever - if they want. And more importantly, I do apologize for being extra wobbly in the past before, where applicable. Also used this edit to expand on what a day is like, and what sort of thoughts I've got. Might still expand later, not sure. Big ass journal, most of the things have been said & there's simply no help, so...hm.