I am going through a lot of emotions lately. I'm damaged... I cry a lot more than I use too. I scream and get angry. I disassociate completely. 💔 and I am in the woods in a tent trying to change my own diapers... it's really hard being autistic. I feel judged. People drive by and yell slurs at me. I just... I don't know what this life is. Or how it got this bad... or why it got this bad. Why was I treated like this, when I gave everyone all I had.

All these somber days. All these arguments. All these melancholy moments. All these long drawn out hours. All these rainstorms. All these battles. All these tears. I wouldn't trade it all.

I mostly just post journals now, I've been out of commissioning art for a while due to low income and now I'm homeless so you probably won't see new art of caleb unless someone draws him like a request but i don't even request artists usually.

I guess what im saying is dont expect any new art any time soon. Just expect journals every now and then.

I miss my puppy butt. My lil puppy dog. I wasn't the greatest, I was mean, I made things worse sometimes. But I miss my puppy. He was everything I could have dreamed for and more. I still think back of all the times my lil puppy butt made me happy, made me feel safe and it always makes me feel calm again.

I don't know where my puppy went... but I hope they are ok, I hope their days are better than mine, I hope they still have a roof over their head and food to eat and someone loves them better than I could.

We live in some very polarizing times. I admit I have said some crass things in the past. I do apologize for any harm my behavior has caused over the years and in the current. Because listen. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I have meltdowns and I yell and scream and I feel it's s part of my autism. So if I ever yell at you, or get irate. Please bear with me. As I'm probably going through a lot in that moment to cause that reaction.


I dont think people realize if they coddled me a bit more. And made me feel safer than I am I wouldn't have to get so frustrated.


Anyways. As for a life update. Im still homeless and in a tent. And its almost winter... its getting cold. But im optimistic about housing.

SESH

I know a lot of people will tell you that you shouldn't say sorry. But I think that's stupid. If I feel sorry and truly ashamed I will voice it.


Anyways, why am I saying sorry. Well I guess what I'm saying sorry for is allowing my politics to align with a bigot about 5 years back. I watched so many of my friends leave because of who I supported. Just know that I never voted for the man. I voted against him both times...


Which makes me so confused as to why I even supported him when he was president last. I think it was because of the people who I was around. People made it seem like he was ok. Like all the allegations against him were hearsay. I also couldn't speak out less I face bullying from others. So I guess the reason I blindly followed was out of fear.


I am sorry to those whom feel I betrayed them. Just know that I do not support him now, and I'm doing everything in my power to rebel against a broken system. A system that only serves to hurt us, to hurt others on the basis of who they identify as.


I am so sorry that the world is so grim right now, im sorry I didnt speak up sooner, and im sorry I let you down. I hate myself, I feel like there is nothing I can do to right my wrongs... but please know that I love all of you, and I would give my life to know that all of you were safe and protected.


So I apologize. I am sorry, and I will try to be better.

Life is hard right now. Im homeless, living in a tent, i have a skin infection I'm trying to treat, and I just got diagnosed with sciatica.

I'm breaking down, I have been crying a lot to myself wondering why I feel like I'm being forgotten. I feel like no one wants to help, or no one can.

I have been writing a lot more, been freaking out too about people accusing me of pedophilia. Because that is also happening in my life.

Im stressed, I want to wear a diaper, but I am too scared of all the other homless people out here stabbing me for thinking im a pedo for wearing one. So I guess its back to not wearing them, and only wishing I could.


To all the babyfurs who can pad up right now, I'm jealous... im too afraid to be myself right now, because one false move could mean someone trying to kill me. Its just how it is out here.


I will remain strong. I will fight. I will keep doing what I need to do to survive... and to anyone who read my last journal when I said thanks for nothing... I apologize. I was in a dark space and I just said that...


Anyways. Love you all, and I'll try to keep you all updated.

Hey... well. It's like when I was 13 again. Not able to do the things I want to do really. Have people controlling my daily life, can't wear the clothes I want to wear.

But its different this time. I'm homeless and in a tent. And I live next to a bunch of other homless addicts. Addicts that do more things than I do.

My tent is constantly approached. I cannot wear padding for the life of me. And it's not just out of fear of embarrassment that someone might see me in a diaper.

Given the political climate. I am afraid that if I express my little side in anyway I could be killed. That I could be straight up fucking murdered.

So I'll just sit here. Alone in my tent. Losing every bit that was once me. Losing my inner child, losing my sense of wonder about the world, and losing my sanity.

Thanks for nothing.

I know we have grown distant. But I know you are still there. I am still here too. I love you. And the world will get better one day I promise. This goes out to one of my past lovers. Not a day goes by where I don't think of the good times we had.

I'm hurt. It stings. Spent my whole life looking for diamond rings. I'm angry, I'm sad. Don't know if I'll ever be a dad. This shit just makes me mad.

Life is such a tiresome fad.

A show. A game. People selling their soul for fame.

What a joke. Not worth the time. I'm just broke and all I do is rhyme.

I wish I could go back to a simpler time.

I guess that even a picture in my own head is a crime.

Why do I even bother. What's the use.

Spent 24 solid years with drug abuse.

And I'm only 29. I'll tell you right now these drugs are not a victimless crime.

I have done my time.

Life is now just sublime.

Thinking back. It use to make sense. The thoughts in my head that use to make me feel dense.

I would sit in my room, there was no doom nor gloom, all I could do to pass the time was sit and talk to you.

Do you feel shame, are you embarrassed of where I've gone. Did I bring you unwanted fame and attention, are you wondering what went wrong?

I'm sad and tortured my soul enriched in agony, got issues with my dad and mom I apologize for the misogyny.

I have problems with the system, and I think it benefits some, runs circles on the others labeling people defective and dumb.

We live to serve the rich and some willingly lick their boots, life is now too simplified making us too willing to forget our roots.

I guess what I'm saying is their is not that much time now, in the grand scheme of reality the curtains about to close so take your final bow.

I'm homeless... but I'm ok.

I know people will be like no it's okay Caleb. But no I want to say this and I mean it. Do not follow my path. It only will lead you to heartache and total depression. It will lead you to drugs and alcohol it will lead you down a criminal path. I am a criminal in my state and have been hospitalized 40 to 50 times because of drugs and psychosis. Do not do the same things as me.

I guess what I'm saying is don't be a copycat. Caleb is a bad influence and always has been. Especially when he is using drugs.

Stay away from drugs please babies. Don't let others peer pressure you into doing stuff either. There is a lot of laced shit nowadays and if you don't know who you are going through you could get something and od.

*sigh.* it's moments like this where I get angry at certain artists for making it seem like blow is an ok thing to be doing. I don't fuck with anything other than weed nowadays. Lost too many of my friends to other drugs and shit. Had people, close friends choose fentanyl over my friendship... so please. Just all of you. Stay safe and don't do drugs unless a doctor is telling you to and even sometimes that's not good.

Take care of your bodies. Do not destroy them. Your age will catch up with you.

It's something I have tried to come to terms with most of my adult life. That my headspace is younger and more inexperienced. That my political opinions were defined at that age. That I became sort of who I am through how I thought at that age and ya know. Not much has changed. People treat me the way they did as I was in high school too so that's another reason why my thoughts are so dystopian.

Also I'm pretty sure I'm AI. But that's a story for another time.

Still here. But rarely. I check in on occasion but I am not that much here. Also I went to the hospital again for being gay. So that's fun I guess.

More art. More art. More art. Calling all artists. All artists. Make art. So much art. Pron. Flood the internet with more pron. Now is your time to fight back. Make the hottest fucking Pic. Make the best art you can. Try to think back to old dreams. Try and envision new concepts. Go go go!

I'm doing a lot of healthy coping. And I'm doing ok. But I'm scared I'm going to lose my home. And be homeless... I have been fighting being homeless for the past 3 or 4 months and it's hard, it's lengthy and I don't know if I am going to lose my home and be in the snow...

I'm scared. I don't know what to do, or who to turn to. Or who to trust.

🐛 🪲 🐞 🐝🦗🕷🪳🪰🦟🦂📃

Where are the moods? You can choose a mood on your page still but it's umm not showing on my page... well I'll let everyone know I'm mellow rn.

[yt]https://youtube.com/watch?v=RP95-7ULL8c[/yt]

Don't act like the majority of this Fandom doesn't frequent nsfw.

General and tame art is not and has not been what this Fandom is about for most people for a long time. Most of you are in it for the porn. Stop lying to yourself.

Most. Not all... but most. The majority tho.

I am very negative lately. I get angry, I get sad, I yell and scream and cry... I'm emotional and I'm dealing with a lot. I'm almost homeless and I'm losing a lot of friends and family. I apologize to anyone who sees the sad journals and gets uncomfortable reading them. It won't always be sad stuff... but right now my writing is sad, and I'm writing more stuff about my depression to cope with it.


I hope everyone is able to have a better time than I'm having lately. I'm sorry I'm so sad and upset all the time. I know that can make others uncomfortable. But I just want you to know that anyone who reads my journals and comments is a friend of mine.


I love you all, and I hope to get back on track to where I'm happy again and not just making everyone sad with my sadness.

To be blocked by so many.