We live in some very polarizing times. I admit I have said some crass things in the past. I do apologize for any harm my behavior has caused over the years and in the current. Because listen. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I have meltdowns and I yell and scream and I feel it's s part of my autism. So if I ever yell at you, or get irate. Please bear with me. As I'm probably going through a lot in that moment to cause that reaction.


I dont think people realize if they coddled me a bit more. And made me feel safer than I am I wouldn't have to get so frustrated.


Anyways. As for a life update. Im still homeless and in a tent. And its almost winter... its getting cold. But im optimistic about housing.

SESH

I know a lot of people will tell you that you shouldn't say sorry. But I think that's stupid. If I feel sorry and truly ashamed I will voice it.


Anyways, why am I saying sorry. Well I guess what I'm saying sorry for is allowing my politics to align with a bigot about 5 years back. I watched so many of my friends leave because of who I supported. Just know that I never voted for the man. I voted against him both times...


Which makes me so confused as to why I even supported him when he was president last. I think it was because of the people who I was around. People made it seem like he was ok. Like all the allegations against him were hearsay. I also couldn't speak out less I face bullying from others. So I guess the reason I blindly followed was out of fear.


I am sorry to those whom feel I betrayed them. Just know that I do not support him now, and I'm doing everything in my power to rebel against a broken system. A system that only serves to hurt us, to hurt others on the basis of who they identify as.


I am so sorry that the world is so grim right now, im sorry I didnt speak up sooner, and im sorry I let you down. I hate myself, I feel like there is nothing I can do to right my wrongs... but please know that I love all of you, and I would give my life to know that all of you were safe and protected.


So I apologize. I am sorry, and I will try to be better.

Life is hard right now. Im homeless, living in a tent, i have a skin infection I'm trying to treat, and I just got diagnosed with sciatica.

I'm breaking down, I have been crying a lot to myself wondering why I feel like I'm being forgotten. I feel like no one wants to help, or no one can.

I have been writing a lot more, been freaking out too about people accusing me of pedophilia. Because that is also happening in my life.

Im stressed, I want to wear a diaper, but I am too scared of all the other homless people out here stabbing me for thinking im a pedo for wearing one. So I guess its back to not wearing them, and only wishing I could.


To all the babyfurs who can pad up right now, I'm jealous... im too afraid to be myself right now, because one false move could mean someone trying to kill me. Its just how it is out here.


I will remain strong. I will fight. I will keep doing what I need to do to survive... and to anyone who read my last journal when I said thanks for nothing... I apologize. I was in a dark space and I just said that...


Anyways. Love you all, and I'll try to keep you all updated.

Hey... well. It's like when I was 13 again. Not able to do the things I want to do really. Have people controlling my daily life, can't wear the clothes I want to wear.

But its different this time. I'm homeless and in a tent. And I live next to a bunch of other homless addicts. Addicts that do more things than I do.

My tent is constantly approached. I cannot wear padding for the life of me. And it's not just out of fear of embarrassment that someone might see me in a diaper.

Given the political climate. I am afraid that if I express my little side in anyway I could be killed. That I could be straight up fucking murdered.

So I'll just sit here. Alone in my tent. Losing every bit that was once me. Losing my inner child, losing my sense of wonder about the world, and losing my sanity.

Thanks for nothing.

I know we have grown distant. But I know you are still there. I am still here too. I love you. And the world will get better one day I promise. This goes out to one of my past lovers. Not a day goes by where I don't think of the good times we had.

I'm hurt. It stings. Spent my whole life looking for diamond rings. I'm angry, I'm sad. Don't know if I'll ever be a dad. This shit just makes me mad.

Life is such a tiresome fad.

A show. A game. People selling their soul for fame.

What a joke. Not worth the time. I'm just broke and all I do is rhyme.

I wish I could go back to a simpler time.

I guess that even a picture in my own head is a crime.

Why do I even bother. What's the use.

Spent 24 solid years with drug abuse.

And I'm only 29. I'll tell you right now these drugs are not a victimless crime.

I have done my time.

Life is now just sublime.

Thinking back. It use to make sense. The thoughts in my head that use to make me feel dense.

I would sit in my room, there was no doom nor gloom, all I could do to pass the time was sit and talk to you.

Do you feel shame, are you embarrassed of where I've gone. Did I bring you unwanted fame and attention, are you wondering what went wrong?

I'm sad and tortured my soul enriched in agony, got issues with my dad and mom I apologize for the misogyny.

I have problems with the system, and I think it benefits some, runs circles on the others labeling people defective and dumb.

We live to serve the rich and some willingly lick their boots, life is now too simplified making us too willing to forget our roots.

I guess what I'm saying is their is not that much time now, in the grand scheme of reality the curtains about to close so take your final bow.

I'm homeless... but I'm ok.

I know people will be like no it's okay Caleb. But no I want to say this and I mean it. Do not follow my path. It only will lead you to heartache and total depression. It will lead you to drugs and alcohol it will lead you down a criminal path. I am a criminal in my state and have been hospitalized 40 to 50 times because of drugs and psychosis. Do not do the same things as me.

I guess what I'm saying is don't be a copycat. Caleb is a bad influence and always has been. Especially when he is using drugs.

Stay away from drugs please babies. Don't let others peer pressure you into doing stuff either. There is a lot of laced shit nowadays and if you don't know who you are going through you could get something and od.

*sigh.* it's moments like this where I get angry at certain artists for making it seem like blow is an ok thing to be doing. I don't fuck with anything other than weed nowadays. Lost too many of my friends to other drugs and shit. Had people, close friends choose fentanyl over my friendship... so please. Just all of you. Stay safe and don't do drugs unless a doctor is telling you to and even sometimes that's not good.

Take care of your bodies. Do not destroy them. Your age will catch up with you.

It's something I have tried to come to terms with most of my adult life. That my headspace is younger and more inexperienced. That my political opinions were defined at that age. That I became sort of who I am through how I thought at that age and ya know. Not much has changed. People treat me the way they did as I was in high school too so that's another reason why my thoughts are so dystopian.

Also I'm pretty sure I'm AI. But that's a story for another time.

Still here. But rarely. I check in on occasion but I am not that much here. Also I went to the hospital again for being gay. So that's fun I guess.

More art. More art. More art. Calling all artists. All artists. Make art. So much art. Pron. Flood the internet with more pron. Now is your time to fight back. Make the hottest fucking Pic. Make the best art you can. Try to think back to old dreams. Try and envision new concepts. Go go go!

I'm doing a lot of healthy coping. And I'm doing ok. But I'm scared I'm going to lose my home. And be homeless... I have been fighting being homeless for the past 3 or 4 months and it's hard, it's lengthy and I don't know if I am going to lose my home and be in the snow...

I'm scared. I don't know what to do, or who to turn to. Or who to trust.

🐛 🪲 🐞 🐝🦗🕷🪳🪰🦟🦂📃

Where are the moods? You can choose a mood on your page still but it's umm not showing on my page... well I'll let everyone know I'm mellow rn.

[yt]https://youtube.com/watch?v=RP95-7ULL8c[/yt]

Don't act like the majority of this Fandom doesn't frequent nsfw.

General and tame art is not and has not been what this Fandom is about for most people for a long time. Most of you are in it for the porn. Stop lying to yourself.

Most. Not all... but most. The majority tho.

I am very negative lately. I get angry, I get sad, I yell and scream and cry... I'm emotional and I'm dealing with a lot. I'm almost homeless and I'm losing a lot of friends and family. I apologize to anyone who sees the sad journals and gets uncomfortable reading them. It won't always be sad stuff... but right now my writing is sad, and I'm writing more stuff about my depression to cope with it.


I hope everyone is able to have a better time than I'm having lately. I'm sorry I'm so sad and upset all the time. I know that can make others uncomfortable. But I just want you to know that anyone who reads my journals and comments is a friend of mine.


I love you all, and I hope to get back on track to where I'm happy again and not just making everyone sad with my sadness.

To be blocked by so many.

I write journals. And browse art rarely. I'm only on this site really to have a chronolog of journals that I can come back to. FA is my online journal. I have many journals in real life but this one is different.

Seriously if you don't even like me or are only here to see me suffer and laugh at me. Then gtfo before I show you what I'm capable of. This is a threat to any bullies that might be stalking my page. This also goes out to pedophile freaks who are only here to be sexual with me. I will show you the front door by force if necessary.

I don't know what I did. I gave you all my love. I cried on your shirt and you cried on mine. You turned sour. You turned bitter. You grew to hate me and I never understood why. You are mean. You are a jerk. You always were. And you had no idea how much I was your support. How much I still bled for you. Wept for you. Went to bed at night thinking about you, wondering if you were ok.

This goes out not just to one person. This goes out to everyone who abandoned me when I gave you nothing but my time, my love and appreciation. I feel neglected by this community. I feel hurt and stung by certain individuals who reap in the benefits of popularity but are indeed lousy individuals not worth anyone's friendship or time.


I will exist over here I guess. Do my own thing. You furries have a habit of backstabbing each other and have such clout chasing behavior and antics. I still am a part of this Fandom. I'm not leaving. I will always be a furry... but some days I do feel it's no different here than being involved in a cult that I can never leave or always have to prove myself to.


You all act like Mormons. And you disfellowship me. Pathetic rats.

I'm callous. I want you to suffer like you made me suffer. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Don't talk to me. Leave me alone. You robbed my happiness. You robbed my joy. I don't want anything to do with you. I want you to hurt. It makes me happy to think about it.

Also this is not about you jazzy if you happen to read this and think it's about you... no this is about other people. Other people in this Fandom who broke my heart, ruined me and my old mates, broke relationships of mine off so that they could steal my lovers right from me.

I never got over these things. I never got over this hurt. Certain individuals wronged me so badly. And now they are getting better physically and emotionally while I rot and deteriorate and get even sicker? No. I hope that you suffer. I wish ill on you. I curse your health with my last breath.


You stole my life from me, you stole what made me happy, left me in a state of despair for many years and I still haven't recovered. My heart is bruised, it is black and blue and damaged by you. You don't get to be happy, this is just a wave I hope, I hope when all is said and done you go back to being the miserable person you are, the person who stole my boyfriend, the person who stepped all over me, the person who if I ever met in real life I would be too afraid to even speak to because of how bad you hurt me.


I will never forgive you. You never made things right with me. And when I'm dead I hope you know how much I hated you when I was alive.