I don't why you left. things changed after you talked to your parents. Your parents had issues with our relationship last time we were dating mainly, your dad. I can't believe you blocked me over what they said. It hurt, because I thought when we visited at your place it was very calm, and when I slept in bed with you I felt safe.... I still love you. I have been spending the weeks since crying, and trying to understand it all. Why it was so quick of a visit, why we could only spend one night with each other before things didn't work out, I don't know if your out there browsing my page ever, but just know I'm still thinking about us... Even if you might not be thinking about me anymore...


I love you John, and I really hope that isn't the last time I am ever gonna hear from you...

If you have had abusive parents your whole life leading into adulthood. Maybe it's not best to take their relationship advice. Seriously I'm so fucking done. I'll be a lone forever.

How do see yourself
How do you want to see yourself
Perception
Illusion
Fat
Skinny
And the in between.
Do you like what you see?
Or do you feel something different.

I know I usually say I'm broken, but I'm starting to mature over the years, and realize I acted deranged before, been in complete in utter psychosis. But that was so long ago, and I'd like to try and move on from my past. But I know my past will always haunt me. They say I'm schizoeffective autistic ADHD bipolar and BPD and I just don't fucking believe it anymore. I'm Caleb.

I think it is so messed up and should be seen as sexual abuse.

I lie, I like to lie.
I lie about a lot.
I lie about myself.
I lie about my capabilities.
I lie about politics.
I lie about my state of mind.
I just lie.

Is the next one really in 2045.

I don't want to sound mean, but a lot of the art on this site is baaad. But then there are some gems and I save them, or comment on them. I have a few favorite artists that draw really good art like all the time, but lately I feel no attraction to the art anymore. I feel like I just browse porn now just to browse porn and not jack off to it.

Anyways enough crazy rambling. I'm done.

I gotta be honest, I've been prescribed meds since I was 4 and I have been on so many different ones. I hate them, I feel like they do nothing and I am just ingesting pills to ingest pills.

Seriously. That shit and fentanyl is the worst. Just stick to weed.

I don't think I will ever find a relationship. I'm a hopeless romantic too and it's literally the worst feeling. I think in life I'm just doomed to be alone. I don't think I'm compatible with literally anyone. I have too much baggage.

I'm just really depressed, considering suicide, not gonna act on it of course. But the thoughts won't leave my head, and don't say go to the hospital. The mental health hospitals in this country are a joke and only serve to act as solitary confinement centers. I know because I've been about 30 fucking times. I just need someone to talk to.

I regret a lot of things,
Relationships,
Commitments,
Promises,
But what do I regret the most,
I guess just wasting my time.

Life they say goes out with a whimper,
Well I find that whimper hot.

Monkeymen, demons, nightmarish creatures.
Dance under the velvet sun,
Look beyond the fog,
The pearly gates,
The nasty snakes,
And you'll find yourself home.

You do realize that's like saying cows for McDonald's. Palestine executes us gays for being gay and for that I don't show them my support.

Look at the faces, the drinks the good times.
Look at how withdrawn you've become.
Look at your drink as the room shifts.
Neat.

Time passing by, no longer feeling adequate.
Where has my mind gone in such a short time.
I feel as if these walls could tell many stories,
Death, love, regret, drunkenness, fear.
I don't know where the time has gone or if I'm even old enough to drink. To get stoned, to get high.
Substance.
It's use to mellow the mind.
To make it melt,
To mold it into something new.

If only we were kids again, if only we were kids again.

I feel like I don't talk as much here as I use too, I use to write poetry in my journals but now I'm just bored and unmotivated.

I wonder how many people would remember me and who would show up at my funeral. A morbid thought but I always do wonder what my legacy will be. Maybe I will be remembered for my mentall illness. But I don't want that, I'm much more than my diseases.

I've been through so much and I'm only 27 some days just don't feel like living and I don't know how much longer I have to go or put up with, I can't sleep either and it's killing me.

I really wish I could quit vaping, this nic stick is highly addictive. Sometimes I wake up just to hit it.

I feel trapped I really do.

Utter sadness isn't defined by emotion.
You can find yourself sad, but not willing to show it.
You will only find true depression behind closed doors.

I'm addicted to drugs. I really want to take acid again.