Yeah I'm on there too

https://bsky.app/profile/lardizard.bsky.social

I'm glad to have gotten the few interactions with you I had.

I've recently found out that my dear friend  bladude53 has passed away recently.

I love you Bla, you were one of the few people I always felt comfortable with, and you were such a joy in my life. I'm going to miss you every day

Nothing will be the same without you. Nothing will be as bright.

Rest in peace.

Just wanted to put something less depressing up for a change. Nothing has changed with me though I'm just a little older. 👍

This year has been awful for me. Probably the worst I can remember. I feel profoundly alone and miserable.

This all never would have happened if I didn't try to join a new discord chat a few years ago, never would have lost nearly everyone I met. It's things like this that make me never want to try anything, it really is less painful than failing so spectacularly like I have lately. I lost someone I really liked, because I was too emotional over a game, lost the characters attached to it as well. I tried to find a new group to play with and lost them all as well, and it was for being too depressed as far as I can tell. I want there to be a different reason but I guess I'll never know now.

After being kicked out by people I thought were my friends, I made my first suicide attempt. It was half assed and I failed at it and got locked up for a while. I tried to keep in touch with one person from that group, but we failed to really do anything or talk anymore, and they ended up blocking me. It makes me think the nice words by them and everyone else were lies or something. That everyone was just sick of me and didn't bother to say anything.

I've not really left my bed except to eat and use the bathroom for a little over a month now. Some days I'll feel okay enough to play a video game but most of the time it all feels pointless. I can't stop wondering if my former friends were in the wrong for treating me like that, or if I'm just so intolerable to be around that it made sense. Neither answer feels better than the other.

I think about suicide constantly these days, hoping I'll be able to get it right before my parents die and I most likely end up homeless in the worst case scenario, or completely alone in the best case. Thinking about dying instead of dealing with that is comforting to me.

I wish I never had tried to meet new people

Well, it's Christmas, and the year is nearly over. I got to meet a lot of nice people this year, and have grown attached to many of them. Despite this, and getting to go to Anthrocon this year, my life still feels like its.moving too slow for my satisfaction. I'm still poor in unstable living conditions and I'm still alone...Hopefully things will get better soon, or some breakthrough will happen with me.

I hope you all had a good year and a merry Christmas though. I hope i can continue to meet people that will love and support me in tye years to come! ❤

Well I finally made it home today from Anthrocon, and already everything feels so lackluster compared to it. But it was amazing though, far more than I thought it would be. I was like a totally different person and was smiling almost the entire time, I met everyone I knew was there at the time, I did everything I was interested in, I only have one regret and that was not taking the time to get to know and cuddle a certain someone far more than we already did 💔

I cried in the bathroom from that on the last night, and also from the sadness of it all coming to an end. I am having to deal with the post con depression now for sure, but i'm still very thankful for everyone that pushed me to go and everyone who let me meet up with and hang out with them ❤️❤️❤️

I really hope I am able to go next year too, but with how much money trouble I have and the unstable living situation I dunno if I will be able to. Oh do I ever need to though, this is medicine for me, and i'm completely addicted to it now 💦

In conclusion, sdfhuagsdfhgsdfhgajlgfadgalsfg~~!!

Oh boy I am at Anthrocon right now and am nervous as HECK. My first time too and I am gonna need lots of breaks to not freak out. Thank goodness for restrooms!

Hopefully I will see some people I recognize there, but will probably be way too shy to approach 💦
But uh yeah that's what's going on with me!

It's been so long since i've been excited for some video games, but with Monster Hunter World and the two new Metroid games coming out I am pretty excited now!

Only worry I have is having to pick a platform for Monster Hunter World, cause I know all my friends will be split up between PS4 and PC :p

And a happy new year!

I've been feeling pretty sad most days and totally stressed out. I try and spend most of my time on twitter though trying to meet others and stuff. It's been a nice distraction.

If you would like to hit me up on twitter my username is @ Lardizard

Is okay. I don't really feel like im gonna put hundreds of hours into it like the others though. PVP meh

Have a good time!

There are things going on that happen around every time this year that make me too depressed to even mention what they are. No please do not try to guess. Just well this one has been a lot worse than normal due to regular stresses dragging me down too. I figured I would just get my feelings out in a journal for myself, regardless of whether anyone reads it or not.

Lots of broken dreams.

I hope it stops one day but its not looking like it at all. Very frustrating and disheartening.

Well a while ago I decided to make a twitter, and while things seemed to be going well at first, I think I ended up making far too many mistakes, and ended up getting far too hurt by losing followers than I should have. I don't know if I should just avoid it altogether now or what. I was pretty cautious when I started out and well, then I made the mistake of getting comfortable around others and began to tweet more about how I felt. Which I guess ended up being a poor idea, as it made some people treat me differently, or unfollow me, and even just not talk to me anymore.

Some supported me, but I could not take their advice that it was not worth my time to be upset over others. It made sense but I was still very sad about it. I haven't been doing well lately and I guess that really influenced things too.

I'm not sure who will read this, and am kind of afraid this will be a bad place to put it as well...but I guess I will go for it anyway.

Well, thank you for listening

Just nothing really happens to me to talk about. Been floating around twitter too. And having lots of strange dreams about charizard gahaha.

Got a laptop finally woo!

Big fat charizard smooches for everyone~ Love you all~

I know everyone is doing these and flooding the journal note thing, but I don't see that as any reason not be all holiday cheery!

Merry Christmas to all!

Be thankful for overeating and blubber!

Have a spoopy time

So I got nothing to journal about <:I

Tried taking a small vacation and through many things, I ended up coming home feeling much worse than when I left. There was much crying, despair and self loathing.

I know there is a lack of details, and sorry for that. It's partly because of shame and anger and big parts fear that description will lead others to connect the dots to my non furry side of life.

I don't think I even have that many people that would comment on such a thing like this, but I will try it out anyway.

Supposedly how it works is you tell me an assumption you have about me and I let you know if it's right or wrong :p

Sometimes I really feel like making a new account for a new name. I really wasn't expecting to start posting things at the time I made it, so "5" seemed like a good throw away name.

Well that and I would be kinda upset to lose my watchers, because for some dumb reason it's like a quantification of my worth to me >:C

I like short journals apparently.

The following is a journal about my sad feelings and insecurities. Please ignore if you don't want to deal with it

______________________________

I dunno, I been sitting here unable to sleep, feeling lonely and wondering if I had the courage to try some of them, or if it would even be a good idea. The idea honestly terrifies me, cause its taken years for me to get to a point where I am not horribly shy on the internet, but dang I just feel like I need to do something or it will just get harder and harder to find anyone as I get older. But maybe I would find some big girl or guy who I really got along with and liked fat reptiles and things as much as I do.

Eh just kind of lonely rambling really. I really dunno if such a thing is for me, when the goal from the start is to get together. I kinda think these things should develop from friendships, and yet, I dunno if I am going to have enough time in my life for such a thing to happen with my only socialization being online.