my mom's drunk, my father's drunk and crying about his uncle dying, my mom's yelling at him, and i told them if they don't stop fucking drinking i want them to take me to my grandma's so i can stay there until i go home

i'm so stressed out here, i hate it, i hate them, and i remember exactly why i didn't move with them

this is the only place i know they won't check trying to see if i'm okay

i miss them a lot

i wish i hadn't fucked this up

the second person i've ever been in love with and i ruineed it the same as the last time i was in love

i'll never love anyone ever again

(won't reply to comments right now, they're appreciated tho)

so i'm a bit

in a bad headspace

my partner of almost 3 years (would've been 3 years on the 21st) just broke up with me earlier today

i'm not sure how to feel about it

i'm not sure what i feel

thought i'd just mention it

as i'll be

absent

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7242984/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7242984/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7242984/

toby is great and does some AMAZING art!! please check them out and commission them or send them some money, they really deserve it!!

it was so much damn fun i don't even regret going with $500+ and coming back with $42

it was so great and i couldn't be more thankful to my roommates and the people i met. i commissioned a couple people and bought some nice stuff and it's really motivated me to graduate and get a job so i can do this more than once a year

BIG maybe but i'm considering going to ac 2016. the biggest reason it's a maybe is cos i also want to commission someone for a fullsuit come 2016. i guess it matters on how life is going

my new year's resolution will definitely be to graduate high school tho and i think it'll be the first time i actually do a new year's resolution. i also might try to get healthier and take care of myself

<3 i feel okay. post con depression is BAD but i've come back with motivation in life beside it so hopefully that'll even it out until the depression starts to leave

Name: elliot
Nickname: eli, prince, peepo
Location: Minneapolis, MN (WEIRD the person i stol this from lives in the same place as me
Age: 18
Height: 5'5
Zodiac sign: libra
Any pets?: none that i own but i'm getting a leopard gecko soon-ish and i live with 3 dogs
Fun fact: i named myself after a cat

Identity, Sexuality & Personality

Gender identity: agender, transmasculine
Sexual orientation: ?????????
Romantic preference: i don't care
"Kinsey Scale" score: i don't know i took it forever ago and i was a lot gayer then now i'm just "i like people" so probably dead in the middle
Relationship status: with someone but wish i was with other people because this relationship isn't enough.... (we're polly it's not a cheating thing)
Myers/Briggs type: after years of being asked this i finally tested last month and *drum role* istp

Routine

"Early Bird" or "Night Owl": nigh owl for sure
Bath or shower: always shower. i only take a bath when i'm really sick
First thought in the morning: stop
Last thought before falling asleep at night: i basically make up shitty self-insert fanfictions in my head while trying to sleep because my real life sucks.............


School/Work

Do you work or are you a student: both. i'm in a paid apprenticeship and i go to school... at least most days of the week...
What do you do well: draw and hate myself
Where do you see yourself in 5 years: hopefully have my own place?? and hopefully not dead


Habits (Do You...?)

Drink: not often
Smoke: i quit
Do drugs: B) blaze it
Exercise: i wish
Have a go-to comfort food: chocolate even tho i don't even like chocolate that much???
Have a nervous habit: most of my habits are nervous habits. luckily i never really picked at my skin or bit my nails or anything i just use my phone when i'm super nervous and do fidget type games


What is your favorite…?

Physical quality (in yourself): my arms are nice, also my nose
In Others: i have an affinity for noses
Mental/emotional quality (in yourself): i LOVE having horrible depression (sarcasm)
but uhhh maybe that i'm not super distrustful or too trustful even through the shit i've dealt with i've always been good at balancing out trust
Food: suuuushi
Drink: uhhh probably the mint condition cooler at caribou
Animal: hyena and if you couldn't tell already then you probably haven't been around very long
Artist/Band/Group: right now probably mr kitty
Author/Poet: the guy who wrote the name of the wind... patrick rothfuss
TV Show: rick and morty and the walking dead
Actor/Actress: i don't know actors or actresses i don't care enough to

now you all know i'm a negative piece of shit who is still good at laughing and seeming like everything is okay :^))

i feel like i gotta apologize for and explain why i've been drawing so much porn

i'm a childhood sexual assault survivor and i go through periods of being hypersexual and being sex repulsed because of it and i'm also on testosterone which is making it a lot worse than normal

so yeah

there ya go

is pain

my back hurts a lot and i've got so much to do by mff. i've got only part of the head fur sewn, i need to shave the head fur, cut off the foot pattern, cut out the fur for the feet, sew the feet fur, shave that down, put on the claws, make a pattern for the armsleeves, cut out and sew that, add the straps, make a pattern for the paws, cut out and sew that, sew on pawpads, add a strap to the tail, make the teeth for the head, glue in the teeth, and if i have time buy some fabric for the tongue, and again if i have time make some legsleeves which i don't think i'll do

DON'T PROCRASTINATE KIDS, IT'LL ONLY LEAD YOU TO HAVING TO DO ALL THAT IN LESS THAN A WEEK

AHAHAHA I'M SUFFERING

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7203553/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7203553/

so if you don't feel like clicking that, my friend here (sparkleseal) is really struggling to get a new binder after their current one, that is already too small and messing up their ribs, broke. if you know anything about how trans people struggle to get by, know that wearing a too small binder is BAD. like, so bad it can break ribs, cause breathing problems, and much more. so please, if you can, commission them!! or just throw money their way if you can't quite afford a commission! please support them if you can!

PRE CON ANXIETY HIT

I'M CASUALLY SCREAMING WHILE SEWING AS FAST AS I CAN

1:Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
i don't smoke anymore. never really got into it. so yeah

2:Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?
in a confusing polyamorous relationship.

3:What if I told you that you were pretty?
i'd probably not know how to respond

4:Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
yeah, it wasn't a bad experience tho

5:Are you interested in anyone right now?
i'm interested in the concept of someone. i really want a sexual or romantic partner right now. another romantic partner anyway. preferably both from the same person. but like, no one specifically

6:What are you looking forward to in the next week?
hangin out with one of my friends

7:Do you want to be single?
kind of right now because this relationship with my partner feels really strained and i don't know if they still even want to be with me. but like, i also want to be with someone else

8:Did you go out or stay in last night?
went out and regretted it

9:How late did you stay up last night?
around 3:30 cos i couldn't sleep

10:Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot?
yEA it's pain

11:Last three things you had to drink?
water, shirley temple, and uhh water

12:Have you pretended to like someone?
i mean, i've been with people i didn't actually like that much but that was more of feeling like i needed to be with someone than pretending

13:Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
yeah

14:Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
i walk around in my underwear all the time

15:Is it hard for you to get over someone?
kind of. it's weird, crushes usually pass but with some people it's super hard for me. like my old best friend. it took me years to get over her and i'm still not entirely over her??? i'm more so still wanting what i imagine we could've had, even though we're completely different now, i still long for the perfect relationship i wanted with her

16:Think back five months ago, were you single?
no, been with my current partner for almost 3 years

17:What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
literally just getting out of bed

18:Hold hands with anyone this week?
no

19:Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
probably

20:What would you name your future daughter?
did you mean my cat daughter cos i'm gonna name my future cat lucy fur

21:Do you miss anyone?
yeah, a lot

22:Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
probably. i used to get around

23:Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
no

24:Are you good at hiding your feelings?
sometimes. matters who i'm with. if i don't want to bother them with my feelings then yes

25:Have you ever cried from being so mad?
it's my entire life

26:Who did you last see in person?
my grandma

27:Are you listening to music right now?
yeah psylla by glass animals i've been listening to them all night

28:What is something you currently want right now?
tbh sex and drugs. my mixture of stress and testosterone makes that my mood like 90% of the time recently

29:What is the last thing you said out loud?
uhhhhhh i probably said something to my grandma's cat

30:How is your heart lately?
it hurts

31:Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
yeaaaa

32:Are you wearing socks?
i was but they were hurting my leg hairs

33:What do people call you?
eli, prince sometimes

34:Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
i don't think so

35:Are there any stressful situations in your life?
everything

36:Who did you last share a bed with?
uhhhhh good question, i don't remember. i think my friend rei?? that was a while ago. i'll be sleeping in my grandma's bed tonight tho

37:Did you do something bad today?
i'm a horrible sinner always sinning

38:When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
why do these questions exist. the last person i hugged was my grandma

39:Do you get stressed out easily?
yea

40:Will you sing today?
i dunno, we'll see i guess

41:Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
all the time

42:Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?
no one cos i don't know how to talk about my feelings without overloading people

43:Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?
yeah

44:What are you listening to right now?
frozen by celldweller

45:What is wrong with you right now?
my hip hurts a lot and i'm stressed and sad

46:What is on your wrists right now?
nothing

47:Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wear?
i got it from my partner's mom, it's a shirt for the company she's helping to start up

48:What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?
hot chocolaaaate

49:Do you make wishes at 11:11?
not recently but i do when i see it

50:Are you a good artist?
i'm proud of where i am at, so i'd say yes

51:Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
no it's gross and messy and always in the way and it's like an addictive drug i don't want in my life

52:Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
yeah actually

53:Ever been on a golf cart?
NO I WANT TO THO

54:Do you have trust issues?
YEP

55:Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who?
uhhh probably, just good friends

56:Do you own something from Hot Topic?
nothing thank satan

57:Do you use chap stick?
sometimes when my lips are REALLY chapped

58:Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
i don't think so. i must be missing out

59:Do you have a little sister?
2

60:Have you ever been to New York?
no

61:Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
my grandma i think? yeah

62:Have you hugged someone within the last week?
yep

63:What were you doing at midnight last night?
probably cutting my shoulder, being really high, y'know how it is

64:Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
YES

65:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
yes

66:Were your last three kisses from the same person?
probably? i don't think i kiss many people

67:Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
no

68:Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
alone actually, if there's someone else it needs to be a big bed

69:Will next Friday be a good one?
better be better than this friday was

Staying at: i'll be at the aloft this year

How are you traveling? : i'll be taking the greyhound from saint paul on thurrsday

Who are you rooming with?: and my friend ez who doesn't use fa

Who will you be with?: those people and anyone i meet, as well as some people i know from here if they go!

Where will you be? How is the best way to find you?: i like to hang out in the lobby and the comfortable chairs and couches at the restraunt that serves sushi, but i'll also be at the headless lounge and probably some other places. if you want, add me on snapchat at acidfelis once the weekend starts and i'll try to remember to snap where i am

What do you look like?: short blue hair, i'm like super small only 5'5", i'll probably be wearing lots of button up long sleeve shirts cos i love them. i'll have 2 fursuits, one is a coywolf with an underbite named Flint and he's a head, tail, and handpaws. i'll hopefully finish my fursona, tureyr, who's a spotted hyena and will hopefully be a head, paws, handpaws, tail, armsleeves, and leg(sleeves?)! i'll post pictures once the date gets closer

What is your gender? ???? that's my gender. i'm transmasculine and use he/him or it/its pronouns

How old are you?: 18 ayyyyy i'm gonna buy a dildo

Are you mated/in a relationship?: yea but i'm poly as fuck and my partner doesn't mind if i get around so if you're interested and wanna flirt go for it. i might not realize you're flirting though you gotta make it super obvs

How tall are you?: 5'5" same as last year *sobbing

Can I talk to you?: YOOO HMU do it i might be nervous at first but if we have stuff in common or you bring up something i'm passionate about you'll find it hard to shut me up lmao

Can I hug and/or snuggle you?: you can hug me if you ask in suit or out of suit. i'll be more hesitant out of suit tho. i'm not very down for snuggling unless we really hit it off and i'm interested in you platonicaly or more

Are you nice?: i try to be and i'm generally a nice person unless you piss me off. best way to do that is to be transphobic, homophobic, racist, ableist, etc.. if you accidentally say something like that though and don't mean to be i'll just correct you and be nice about it

Are you cliquey?: kind of tbh but i also like talking to people who i get along with so if you're cool then i won't be too with my own group

Are you fursuiting?: hell yeah

If I see you, how should I get your attention?: whoop like a hyena. or just say hi, yell "tureyr" or "prince". tureyr is pronounced ter-eer

Can I ask you to dance with me during the dances?: i can't really dance but if you want to flail limbs with me hmu

Can I buy you drinks?: heeeeeell yeah. i'm under 21 tho so i can't get alcohol. sad. i won't accept drinks that i didn't see you buy tho, i'm not down to get drugged

Do you attend parties?: I HOPE SO man if you invite me i'll be so down depending on how big it is

Can I take your picture?: if we hit it off you can totally take my picture out of suit. if i'm in suit i'm always down for pics

How long are you going?: i'll be there from thursday around 3 pm to monday at 12 pm

What's your goal(s) for the con this year?: hug to death and have lots of fun B) also probably make new friends and be more out and about than last year

scream if have to see the words "c*ntboy" or "h*rm" again

disrespecting trans and intersex people is not a kink it's just being transphobic and i'll fight every single one of you

i need to get a haircut. and the testosterone is making hair grow EVERYWHERE on my body. i got (more) stomach hair, i got some facial hair (mostly my peach fuzz has gotten longer and more noticeable and i've got a few black hairs as sideburns and like 2 long black hairs on my cheeks), i got WAY TOO MANY PUBES HELP ME, more leg hair, i got BOOB hairs (and i love them i need to name them), i haven't even looked at my back recently and i've always grown the most hair there so i can't imagine the forest that's sprouted since i started T

but yeah

um

that's the life of a transmasculine person

also, besides that, i got a tablet which, if you've looked at my submissions, you'll know. it's beutiful, a wacom intuos pro medium, and i love it so much

can you marry tablet in the state of minnesota

i'm in a good mood today but i've been kinda up and down, depressed and anxious, really wanting to drop out of school, i slept from 7 PM to 7:20 AM last night. so. i haven't been really feeling. like. being alive. but, y'know, life goes on i guess? i haven't ended it yet

i've decided that if things don't work out i'm gonna live in a forest

or with because she's awesome and if i were in shit living with her would be like ascending from hell

AND IF YOU'RE STILL HERE SOMEHOW i'll be at mff this year, so keep an eye out for a hyena and a coywolf with an underbite. i'll post pictures when we get closer to the date/after i get a haircut cos i definitely won't go with my hair looking how it looks now

i love you guys

thank for all the new watchers, makes me feel like i'm doing something right <3

(also, if you message me trying to say comforting words about my self-harm and suicidal tendencies, please don't feel bad if i don't answer, i really am grateful but answering those messages makes me anxious for some reason)

i moved recently, like the thursday after my birthday (my birthday was the 13th)

i haven't had access to a tablet but i'm ordering one soon so i can get back to drawing and jeeze i'm so excited i've created so many ocs ones a really cute blind bat

i've also been pretty stressed out between the move, work, and school. trying to get back in the swing of things isn't easy and is especially harder considering i bus like 2 hours and 20 minutes every weekday, give or take. i've been really depressed and trying hard to stay positive but it feels like i'm trying to carve a potato with another potato

all my journals seem to be complaining ;;;; but hey i'm going to midewest furfest pretty soon here

in december

and i'm excited for that

it's my birthday tomorrow and i'm gonna be 18

but i'm mostly stressed about it

i should've expected that, bad things always happen around my birthday

i'm trying to draw lineless for the first time

what was i thinking someone kill me

and by lineless i mean i'm going to attempt to paint with sai but if it doesn't work it'll just be lineless

i can't

stop drawing

dicks

btw i got a computer kind of. my grandma got an ipad so she's letting me borrow her computer until i get my own

woo! also got my third t shot and graduated to a shot every 2 weeks now that we know i'm not allergic to it

i'm starting school soon. as well as moving soon. and starting an internship soon. basically i'm gonna want to shoot myself all of this month

i'm still really anxious and kind of depressed but

i'm getting through it i guess

so, my computer finally quit on me and I can't afford to buy a new one. I'm really stressed about this and can't do school because I homeschool using my computer. if I can't do homeschool, I have to go back to public school which just isn't an option I can deal with.

if anyone could donate some money to my (shared) PayPal at ravenbeagle[at]me.com with a note that says something along the lines of "donation for Eli" I would be so so greatful. if you note me your PayPal after donating I'll even be willing to do a commission for you based on how much you send when I have a useable computer.

if you can't I would love it if you spread the message around. thank you for reading and hopefully I'll have a computer soonish

so i've had a lot going on

to start of with the negative and end on the positive i'll start with my father

i'm not entirely sure what's going on right now, but my father, who is an addict, alcoholic, and many other not so good thing, might be dying. we're (my mom, brother, me, and the people i live with) not entirely sure about what's going on, but my father called my brother the other day talking about how his doctor said he has 120 brain lesions and will be in a vegetative state in about a week and a half. now, he's either lying and trying to get pity points, he's had an actually death scare, or he's telling the truth. since he's most of the time really hard to understand, it's hard to tell what he's lying about and when he's telling the truth. and sometimes he communicates lies even if he thought he was telling the truth because he's so hard to understand.

i had a really bad scare yesterday about it, thinking he was dying (i'm just not sure now) and i texted him. the text i got back was confusing, inunderstandable, and quite frankly scary. he was rambling about how he's alone and in pain and feels guilty about what he's done, but that's all i could get out of it. for better reference here's parts of the text he sent me, word for word, typed exactly how he typed it.

"I'm ashamed of what I've done in the past. Against you and I guess other children. I promise I didn't. TV. But I don't blame you one bit if you didn't believe me. fucking Ruben it's not with her no more and she pawned it. I don't have no money I don't blame you for wanting it."

for context here, he owes me $300 because when we got kicked out he was having his friend, Ruben, hold onto my tv. i told him i didn't know if ruben was even the one who pawned it, because my father has pawned my stuff before. i also think he's talking about Ruben's girlfriend because ruben uses he/him not she/her

"I don't need to be reminded please, how much I fucked up. Your mother does that to me constantly every time she drinks. And one beer the other night I didn't finish. Before that it was 2 and a half weeks I am ashamed that I had no saying or no right not being there for you ent I have sent 8 boxes of pictures from your grandmother's Storage. I've been staring at pictures of you. I don't know Eli I'm lonely I have no one. I unlike in California when I didn't have you guys I have my family. so you wouldn't feel anything I've pain call me please I love you so much Eli.I cut my legs off"

so yeah

there's that

and i have no idea how to feel about him or if i believe him. and then there's the last line and. i don't think he actually cut his legs off cos he does stuiff like this.

before my mom and siblings left for california, he yelled at 2 of my brothers "get the fuck out of my house"

the drugs are absolutely devouring him and i don't know how to feel about it

but yeah

i'm going to talk with my mom and brother in about an hour so hopefully i'll get some more information there

but other than that i have a meeting with a hormone doctor on the 26th so hopefully i'll be starting T soon. i've also been alright besides all that. yeah

i dunno

I haven't touched my tablet in days

and i have commissions to finish

but i don't waaaaaanna do them

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16280551/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16280551/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16280551/

this kitten has a stomach tumor and this person is trying to raise around $200 for surgery. if you can't donate, a journal or submission just might get it to someone who can!

since most people use the dark theme, i tried it out. but it was so ugly jeez.... i had it for like a week trying to get used to it but it's too ugly.

for best viewing of my profile art, use the light theme. and because it's not ugly

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
- eli
- prince
- altered

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOUVE GONE BY
- princehyena
- hyenaprince
- acidfelis

THREE THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN THE LAST 33 MINUTES
- finish my ref sheet
- eat brownies
- pet a dog

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
- my new glasses (they're blue, big-rimmed, old man glasses i love them)
- my eyes
- my friendliness

THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
- everything
- my thighs (they have so many stretch marks and are disproportionately large i hate them)
- my autism :') (i have the 'useless' autism where i can't learn things easily and only special interest in useless things and hyperfocus only on those)

THREE PARTS OF YOUR ORIGIN
- irish
- native american (choktah. i research into the culture and it's awesome. i'm enough to get benefits like free health care and whatnot so i make sure to respect the culture and know about it)
- some french????

THREE THINGS YOU'RE AFRAID OF
- spiders
- abandonment
- dolls

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
- THE SOFTEST PAJAMA PANTS IN THE UNIVERSE
- my new turtleneck (it's blue and soft)
- my soul eater shirt i've been wearing for 3 days lmao

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
- computer
- phone
- money

THREE IMPORTANT OBJECTS
- computer again
- prince my stuffed aardwolf
- phone

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS
- gorillaz
- paramore
- i dunno

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY
- love yourself
- think happy things
- let go of anger

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT
- blank space by taylor swift is stuck in my head 24/7
- revolving doors by gorillaz
- hide and seek by imogen heap

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
- being happy
- exercising
- hormone therapy

THREE THINGS YOU REGRET
- letting myself get sucked into negativity
- not talking about how i feel enough
- letting people take advantage of me

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
- honesty
- care
- genuine selfless love

THREE IMPORTANT THINGS YOU'VE GIVEN TO THE WORLD
- myself
- genuine selfless care to people who deserve it
- my cat and her kittens (i found her on the street and kept her and she had six kittens who wouldn't have survived if they were born on the street)

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
- i used to pee in the forest when i was 10 cos i was a wolf and was marking my territory
- i accidentally broke a bird egg i found outside on the ground and cried for the whole day
- i'm straight

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX
- why the opposite sex
i'm gonna do 3 physical things i like in other people
- nothing
- i'm asexual

THREE EMOTIONAL THINGS YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX
doing 3 emotional things i like in people
- honest
- caring
- emotionally stable

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO
- play sports
- walk outside for an extended amount of time in the winter (my knees freeze up)
- go outside without my binder on

THREE THINGS YOU MISS FROM YOUR PAST
- being loved by my mom
- innocent ignorance
- old friends

THREE GIFTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE
- art
- hyenas
- a hug

THREE REASONS WHY YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE
- being abused
- meeting my partner
- old friends

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES
- drawing
- reading warriors
- lioden

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW
- eat sushi
- punch my dad
- go to midwest furfest

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING
- i dON"T KNOW

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR HOLIDAY
- california
- hawaii
- up north

THREE CARTOON CHARACTERS
- does dimitri from the sly cooper games count
- garnet from steven universe
- space dandy

THREE BOYS NAMES
- boy's names don't exist names do

THREE GIRLS NAMES
- girl's names don't exist names do

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO
- get a cat
- eat sushi
- have a job i like

i'm redesigning prince and altered

i've decided that i really hate prince's design/colors and don't ever want to draw him with those again so i'm currently working on him the most. i also am kinda bored with altered's design so i'm trying to figure out what to do with him

i hate boring designs so much

i may just look up pictures of hyenas and use the most interesting ones for altered