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Christmas Scare
Posted 6 years agoSo this year, Christmas time came with a shock to the system, literally, with a scare that tells me...I have to change my lifestyle.
The scary reality is that I was suffering from prediabetes symptoms: my eyesight was fuzzy, my underarms felt itchy, I was thirsty beyond belief and basically visiting the restroom five minutes after a drink...it was...awful.
After a good, long nights' rest, I feel like a changed man. I feel so much better. So with that scare having happened, it's time to make a difference in my life: less sugars, less carbs, more exercise and energy. Time to change the ways of fifteen plus years of life.
The scary reality is that I was suffering from prediabetes symptoms: my eyesight was fuzzy, my underarms felt itchy, I was thirsty beyond belief and basically visiting the restroom five minutes after a drink...it was...awful.
After a good, long nights' rest, I feel like a changed man. I feel so much better. So with that scare having happened, it's time to make a difference in my life: less sugars, less carbs, more exercise and energy. Time to change the ways of fifteen plus years of life.
First Year Reflections
Posted 6 years agoOne year ago today...albeit on a Sunday, and not a Monday...I lost my Father, and my Mother lost her best friend. This past year has been rough, drastically racing to clean up and empty the house, to sell it as soon as possible...find a new place to live, moved into a new condo that still needs a ton of work to be done...
And along the way, realize which friends and loved ones really matter and actually show true care for you...further harden your skin to deal with the ever-growing entitlement of the growing populace, the realization that some people just are not worth the attention they crave and yearn for...
It's been a rough day, even if nothing really happened. Just thinking back to this day, one year ago, remembering where you were, what you were doing, and wishing it could all go back to that way...
*Sighs*
Depression is still the biggest bitch to productivity, but life moves on...like my Father would say, "You need to be strong, and keep carrying on."
Progress will be made. Hopes will be realized. One day, all that I could ask for will come...
And along the way, realize which friends and loved ones really matter and actually show true care for you...further harden your skin to deal with the ever-growing entitlement of the growing populace, the realization that some people just are not worth the attention they crave and yearn for...
It's been a rough day, even if nothing really happened. Just thinking back to this day, one year ago, remembering where you were, what you were doing, and wishing it could all go back to that way...
*Sighs*
Depression is still the biggest bitch to productivity, but life moves on...like my Father would say, "You need to be strong, and keep carrying on."
Progress will be made. Hopes will be realized. One day, all that I could ask for will come...
Ding! Level Up!
Posted 6 years ago*Insert any sound clip of a level up variety*
Should've posted this yesterday, but...needless to say, my birthday/hatchday...however you furs want to say it, has been a source of depression and misery for the last several years, and that was made worse this year being my 30th...without my Father around anymore.
But, if I'm being honest?, I don't know why I feel so much better today and towards the late night of yesterday. Something just stirring inside me propelling me forwards, I guess? Really can't say.
Don't worry, I'm not trying to make this a vent journal. Just wanted to write out my own thoughts in a vague way.
And I think I'm most partial to the Borderlands 2/Pre-Sequel sound clip of a level up now, anyway. lol
Should've posted this yesterday, but...needless to say, my birthday/hatchday...however you furs want to say it, has been a source of depression and misery for the last several years, and that was made worse this year being my 30th...without my Father around anymore.
But, if I'm being honest?, I don't know why I feel so much better today and towards the late night of yesterday. Something just stirring inside me propelling me forwards, I guess? Really can't say.
Don't worry, I'm not trying to make this a vent journal. Just wanted to write out my own thoughts in a vague way.
And I think I'm most partial to the Borderlands 2/Pre-Sequel sound clip of a level up now, anyway. lol
Free Reference Raffle!
Posted 6 years agoCheck out 
SagittaScuti offering a free Reference Sheet Raffle!
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/31003532/
SagittaScuti offering a free Reference Sheet Raffle!http://www.furaffinity.net/view/31003532/
Shaping Matter With Ones' Own Hands
Posted 6 years agoHave you ever heard some music that just inspired you? It hit a nerve, whether good or bad? It made you cry, thinking of someone, or something, that pained you?
I can't explain why, but even though I've been listening to the band, "Smash Into Pieces," casually on YouTube for a few months now...and two of their songs I've listened to have only just begun to sink beneath my skin.
The first is: Smash Into Pieces - Save It for the Living
It hits home, thinking about all the times my old man used to only care about what became of Mom, myself, my Sister and Cousin...those of us he directly loved and cared for-no one else really mattered. While I still grieve here and there, with spouts of random dreams or thoughts that make my heart strings twist and give...I know it to be true, he wouldn't want us to mourn him continuously, he would want us to move on and live our lives, succeeding.
The other day I was cleaning out my phone messages, and I came upon one from my Dad. He said only a few words...
"Hey bud, just calling to check in. How's the streaming going? Give me a call back soon. Love you, kiddo."
I haven't even really thought about my streaming all that much these last seven months...but it was what I enjoyed most, and it was the job I wanted to make for myself. That's when another piece of music strung another nerve...
Smash Into Pieces - Boomerang
A close friend, and the girl I loved, abandoned me because of my grief...stating I was using it as a means of earning pity from people-why would I ever need that if I was doing good before my family tragedy?
So like a boomerang, wanting to make my old man proud, I will now come "Back Back Back like a boomerang." I am going to shape my life the way I want to shape it. Each weekday, I am helping my Mother out with our new place of residence, cleaning, organizing, moving the heavy stuff, all whilst working on myself...getting into shape, fixing any and all mistakes I've made in my life...it's not easy, nothing of this caliber is ever easy...but I am determined to get out there.
I will start to stream on Twitch again more often, to entertain and smile, to bring laughs to those who need it most...
My life is in my hands.
I can't explain why, but even though I've been listening to the band, "Smash Into Pieces," casually on YouTube for a few months now...and two of their songs I've listened to have only just begun to sink beneath my skin.
The first is: Smash Into Pieces - Save It for the Living
It hits home, thinking about all the times my old man used to only care about what became of Mom, myself, my Sister and Cousin...those of us he directly loved and cared for-no one else really mattered. While I still grieve here and there, with spouts of random dreams or thoughts that make my heart strings twist and give...I know it to be true, he wouldn't want us to mourn him continuously, he would want us to move on and live our lives, succeeding.
The other day I was cleaning out my phone messages, and I came upon one from my Dad. He said only a few words...
"Hey bud, just calling to check in. How's the streaming going? Give me a call back soon. Love you, kiddo."
I haven't even really thought about my streaming all that much these last seven months...but it was what I enjoyed most, and it was the job I wanted to make for myself. That's when another piece of music strung another nerve...
Smash Into Pieces - Boomerang
A close friend, and the girl I loved, abandoned me because of my grief...stating I was using it as a means of earning pity from people-why would I ever need that if I was doing good before my family tragedy?
So like a boomerang, wanting to make my old man proud, I will now come "Back Back Back like a boomerang." I am going to shape my life the way I want to shape it. Each weekday, I am helping my Mother out with our new place of residence, cleaning, organizing, moving the heavy stuff, all whilst working on myself...getting into shape, fixing any and all mistakes I've made in my life...it's not easy, nothing of this caliber is ever easy...but I am determined to get out there.
I will start to stream on Twitch again more often, to entertain and smile, to bring laughs to those who need it most...
My life is in my hands.
To The Future...
Posted 7 years agoHappy New Years, everyone!
With all of the trials and tribulations we have had to endure and suffer, all the pain, depression, sadness, sickness...let it all lead us to a newer, better year ahead of us!
Let 2019 be the year that we ALL get happiness and prosperity! Let all of our blessings come to pass!
With all of the trials and tribulations we have had to endure and suffer, all the pain, depression, sadness, sickness...let it all lead us to a newer, better year ahead of us!
Let 2019 be the year that we ALL get happiness and prosperity! Let all of our blessings come to pass!
Oh Good Tidings We Bring!
Posted 7 years agoMerry Christmas to all...as the clock strikes midnight!
May your coming New Year be joyous, merry, and rife with good luck and fortune.
(Lord knows, I need all of that. lol)
May your coming New Year be joyous, merry, and rife with good luck and fortune.
(Lord knows, I need all of that. lol)
The Final Days
Posted 7 years agoAs December 1st rolls in, a heavy weight on my heart and soul suddenly becomes clearer to my minds' eye.
I recall the words of one of my closest friends, "Try not to judge it by the month; you'll only kick yourself down again and again-instead, focus on the year. It'll do you less harm. And you won't feel depressed and sad so much." He's right...November slipped through my thoughts. Five months since that fateful day...and with a heavy heart...the last two or so weeks of my life in this house of nineteen years will come to a close.
I still walk around the house and see glimmers of history; I see the dogs laying on the floor, or crying at the door, I can see the old gym equipment still collecting dust, and the old furniture we got rid of still sitting there, earning use. Our house is sold...come a few days after Christmas, it will no longer be my home. Christmas will be both a time of fondness with family, togetherness as one, and of sorrow and grieving.
Forgive me if I sound like a broken record repeatedly bringing up the loss in my family. The only manner of grief I've ever had to deal with before was the loss of a pet...this is much more soul crushing. And I handle my grief in my own way, as does everyone else in life.
If you read this far, just reading my vent, thank you. Sometimes, people just need to vent.
I recall the words of one of my closest friends, "Try not to judge it by the month; you'll only kick yourself down again and again-instead, focus on the year. It'll do you less harm. And you won't feel depressed and sad so much." He's right...November slipped through my thoughts. Five months since that fateful day...and with a heavy heart...the last two or so weeks of my life in this house of nineteen years will come to a close.
I still walk around the house and see glimmers of history; I see the dogs laying on the floor, or crying at the door, I can see the old gym equipment still collecting dust, and the old furniture we got rid of still sitting there, earning use. Our house is sold...come a few days after Christmas, it will no longer be my home. Christmas will be both a time of fondness with family, togetherness as one, and of sorrow and grieving.
Forgive me if I sound like a broken record repeatedly bringing up the loss in my family. The only manner of grief I've ever had to deal with before was the loss of a pet...this is much more soul crushing. And I handle my grief in my own way, as does everyone else in life.
If you read this far, just reading my vent, thank you. Sometimes, people just need to vent.
To Whom It May Concern...
Posted 7 years ago(Disclaimer Note: this is a letter-format intended just to showcase my feelings. No names are spoken, no drama is intended. This was merely a form of putting my feelings into words, and letting them shine.)
Dearly beloved,
The clouds up above have been dark and gray almost ceaselessly these last few days, little rays of sunshine poking holes here-and-there to break the monotony of downpours. Such is the land where I live, hot all the time-even in the winter- with heavy rains one moment, then the next you're basking in the radiant warmth of the star shining brightly above. I still laugh when you cry about being too cold where you live, then the next, a sour note about melting in the heat like the Wicked Witch of the West. I could think of no better excuse than to complain of the cold if it meant wrapping myself in your warmth, or sharing a spot under the shade under the blazing heat, expressing both of our displeasures as to the scorching climate together.
I hope to one day visit the lands of your life-the lands of Tolkien, a stones throw of your backyard, and the lands of ancient culture, the sciences, neon lights, robotics, and of their vivid and wild imaginations that we watch and share with one another every day. For now, such a dream would seem impossible, but steps are being taken to make each of our dreams a reality, one step at a time. However, I cannot do it alone, nor would I ever dream of wanting to.
I have walked this earth alone my whole life, shadowed only by those who saw fit to rob and steal from my own pockets, and surrounded by but the fewest of angels that I was gifted to hold. Of all of them, the brightest to shine, with the most magnficent wings and robes of glittering gold...was you. And now, I fear that I am the one who has fallen into your shadow, and pick-pocketed things most precious to you-my hands are stained crimson with a bloodlust that I knew not how to control.
I am guilty of wanting pity, as much as the next man is guilty of a similar crime. All of us on this giant ball of blue and green rock are deserving of it, for what little, or what much we do. I need only learn how not to drown in the shallowest of puddles I have made for myself...
But I cannot learn it -by- myself.
It takes guidance, an offered hand, a symbol of hope for the future, seconds, minutes, hours, days after the fact...but hope will come. Hope is out there, reaching back for us, as we reach out to grasp its hand in the shroud of darkness. I have always viewed you as that hope, and strived to make myself the very same for you.
We have had our faults, our crimes against one another, and I now ask for the very same hands that I hurt, to offer me the compassion I have known these last few months. The mirror I have been staring in is cracked and old, and in desperate need of repairs...but as with all things, time is the hardest factor to compensate for with such regards. And in the end, that is all we could ever truly ask for more of: time, itself.
"What one says isn't the whole truth.
"It's a human weakness.
"They test others to confirm their own existence."
These words resonated with me from a story you wished of me to read. They hold true to my own way of life, my own manner of speech, and of actions taken, and those not taken. I am laying my heart out to be pierced, exposing my greatest weakness of all.
"Anata no koe ga michishirube.
"Kakegae no nai takaramono.
"Namae no nai sora ni watashi wo sagashite."
For what it's worth, I do hope the translations of the song overheard were proper, or else I imagine many laughs will be made over my blatant and foolish attempt to speak a language I know not, that you know. I will accept being laughed at. There are only three words I ever truly need to remember-three words I should be saying to you every single day...
Aishiteru
While I'm no real believer in a deity above, sometimes, even prayers and old texts can provide some of the most profound senses of self-discovery, and atonement. I recently have found such a text, in the most unlikeliest of places that I would search. As it states...
Corinthians 13:4-8 (New International Version)
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
"Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."
I think it's time this letter drew to a close. I have said my peace, and made true my hearts' intentions for all to bare. From the bottom of my heart, my soul...
Aishiteru
P.S.: Writing from the heart without writing drawn-out pretenses is some rough work. Writing has always been one of our best forms of communication, involving our characters and their world. I would like to share that again, more often than before; our collaboration was always a high-point to my days, and I wish for us to bask in that warmth forever more. I want to restart that life I forfeited and wish you a "Good Morning/Good Night" every day.
Dearly beloved,
The clouds up above have been dark and gray almost ceaselessly these last few days, little rays of sunshine poking holes here-and-there to break the monotony of downpours. Such is the land where I live, hot all the time-even in the winter- with heavy rains one moment, then the next you're basking in the radiant warmth of the star shining brightly above. I still laugh when you cry about being too cold where you live, then the next, a sour note about melting in the heat like the Wicked Witch of the West. I could think of no better excuse than to complain of the cold if it meant wrapping myself in your warmth, or sharing a spot under the shade under the blazing heat, expressing both of our displeasures as to the scorching climate together.
I hope to one day visit the lands of your life-the lands of Tolkien, a stones throw of your backyard, and the lands of ancient culture, the sciences, neon lights, robotics, and of their vivid and wild imaginations that we watch and share with one another every day. For now, such a dream would seem impossible, but steps are being taken to make each of our dreams a reality, one step at a time. However, I cannot do it alone, nor would I ever dream of wanting to.
I have walked this earth alone my whole life, shadowed only by those who saw fit to rob and steal from my own pockets, and surrounded by but the fewest of angels that I was gifted to hold. Of all of them, the brightest to shine, with the most magnficent wings and robes of glittering gold...was you. And now, I fear that I am the one who has fallen into your shadow, and pick-pocketed things most precious to you-my hands are stained crimson with a bloodlust that I knew not how to control.
I am guilty of wanting pity, as much as the next man is guilty of a similar crime. All of us on this giant ball of blue and green rock are deserving of it, for what little, or what much we do. I need only learn how not to drown in the shallowest of puddles I have made for myself...
But I cannot learn it -by- myself.
It takes guidance, an offered hand, a symbol of hope for the future, seconds, minutes, hours, days after the fact...but hope will come. Hope is out there, reaching back for us, as we reach out to grasp its hand in the shroud of darkness. I have always viewed you as that hope, and strived to make myself the very same for you.
We have had our faults, our crimes against one another, and I now ask for the very same hands that I hurt, to offer me the compassion I have known these last few months. The mirror I have been staring in is cracked and old, and in desperate need of repairs...but as with all things, time is the hardest factor to compensate for with such regards. And in the end, that is all we could ever truly ask for more of: time, itself.
"What one says isn't the whole truth.
"It's a human weakness.
"They test others to confirm their own existence."
These words resonated with me from a story you wished of me to read. They hold true to my own way of life, my own manner of speech, and of actions taken, and those not taken. I am laying my heart out to be pierced, exposing my greatest weakness of all.
"Anata no koe ga michishirube.
"Kakegae no nai takaramono.
"Namae no nai sora ni watashi wo sagashite."
For what it's worth, I do hope the translations of the song overheard were proper, or else I imagine many laughs will be made over my blatant and foolish attempt to speak a language I know not, that you know. I will accept being laughed at. There are only three words I ever truly need to remember-three words I should be saying to you every single day...
Aishiteru
While I'm no real believer in a deity above, sometimes, even prayers and old texts can provide some of the most profound senses of self-discovery, and atonement. I recently have found such a text, in the most unlikeliest of places that I would search. As it states...
Corinthians 13:4-8 (New International Version)
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
"Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."
I think it's time this letter drew to a close. I have said my peace, and made true my hearts' intentions for all to bare. From the bottom of my heart, my soul...
Aishiteru
P.S.: Writing from the heart without writing drawn-out pretenses is some rough work. Writing has always been one of our best forms of communication, involving our characters and their world. I would like to share that again, more often than before; our collaboration was always a high-point to my days, and I wish for us to bask in that warmth forever more. I want to restart that life I forfeited and wish you a "Good Morning/Good Night" every day.
Destiny 2 - Free for 24-Hours!
Posted 7 years agoHave you ever wanted to play Destiny 2?
Do you own a Battle.net account?
Get your own FREE (100% FREE) DESTINY 2 (starter base game) for 24-Hours RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Do you own a Battle.net account?
Get your own FREE (100% FREE) DESTINY 2 (starter base game) for 24-Hours RIGHT NOW!!!!!
STREAMING NOW ON TWITCH!!! \o/
Posted 7 years agoProof
Posted 7 years agoThere's the proof that all of you are pathetic...every last single "FUR" in this fandom is a pathetic piece of trash.
Two days a Journal has been up...advocating a bit of my feelings. 315 people...
315...I'm sorry if I don't have the funds to do "100 WATCHER RAFFLE!" and "250 WATCHER RAFFLE!" shit. You know, if I was MADE of money, don't you think I'd be doing like various others in this fandom...? Auto-Buying every single over-priced YCH in existence just for the sake of making myself feel more smug and vain? That's what I noticed the first few times I bought artwork...I feel smug, I felt vain...I felt I was feeding an ego that I didn't want to feed. Especially when it came to YCHs...I will never pay more for those than an artist is willing to get from commission...and that's another problem with this fandom...
All of the artists who don't bother to put out commissions...only YCHs? They are single-handedly promoting only competition between those who have deep pockets. Everyone else, like myself? We're left to watch. To feel like absolute shit in this capitalist method of "driving away the 'incapable of paying what I want to earn.'"
Some artists...Jesus...Christ...I don't need to name names, but one I could very well name off that ALWAYS gets fierce, and I mean, FIERCE negativity from the viewer base...(you all probably know who I'm talking about if you even read THIS far)...artists like these, whose skills are SUBPAR to other GREATER, CHEAPER artists. It's all because, "LOOK! I GOT A NEW [INSERT ARTIST NAME] PIECE! I HAVE MONEY I DON'T NEED TO SPEND ON LIFE!"
The fact that only one friend, a RL friend who moved away, has commented on my Journal...is proof that the vast majority of you are nothing but leeches. I don't buy/post art all the time? I must not be 'worth' viewing. So go ahead...unwatch me. You think I care? Like me, you're probably watching HUNDREDS of others...what does one person looking for just a shoulder to lean on matter?
Two days a Journal has been up...advocating a bit of my feelings. 315 people...
315...I'm sorry if I don't have the funds to do "100 WATCHER RAFFLE!" and "250 WATCHER RAFFLE!" shit. You know, if I was MADE of money, don't you think I'd be doing like various others in this fandom...? Auto-Buying every single over-priced YCH in existence just for the sake of making myself feel more smug and vain? That's what I noticed the first few times I bought artwork...I feel smug, I felt vain...I felt I was feeding an ego that I didn't want to feed. Especially when it came to YCHs...I will never pay more for those than an artist is willing to get from commission...and that's another problem with this fandom...
All of the artists who don't bother to put out commissions...only YCHs? They are single-handedly promoting only competition between those who have deep pockets. Everyone else, like myself? We're left to watch. To feel like absolute shit in this capitalist method of "driving away the 'incapable of paying what I want to earn.'"
Some artists...Jesus...Christ...I don't need to name names, but one I could very well name off that ALWAYS gets fierce, and I mean, FIERCE negativity from the viewer base...(you all probably know who I'm talking about if you even read THIS far)...artists like these, whose skills are SUBPAR to other GREATER, CHEAPER artists. It's all because, "LOOK! I GOT A NEW [INSERT ARTIST NAME] PIECE! I HAVE MONEY I DON'T NEED TO SPEND ON LIFE!"
The fact that only one friend, a RL friend who moved away, has commented on my Journal...is proof that the vast majority of you are nothing but leeches. I don't buy/post art all the time? I must not be 'worth' viewing. So go ahead...unwatch me. You think I care? Like me, you're probably watching HUNDREDS of others...what does one person looking for just a shoulder to lean on matter?
When Feelings Begin to Crush...
Posted 7 years agoAs I'm not quite sure how many people really give-a-damn about anyone that isn't an artist they can mooch off of on FurAffinity...not even sure why I'm bothering to post this for that exact reason above...but I've never been one to keep silent on problems that always need facing...
I'm not quite sure how many people have seen my Journal update as of July...dealing with my family tragedy...
But after these last two-and-a-half months, the house is nearing completion for being put on the market. Just painting some more walls, last-little clean-ups here-and-there, and packing up the rest of my crap, and Mom's as well...but due to the nature of our Mom and I keep our bedrooms 'cool' via fans, we are told that they 'gotta go,' which means my computer (my rig, my gaming machine, my past-time and joy...until a certain individual arrives) can't stay here.
Money isn't one hundred percent an issue, but seeing as we have to keep paying on the house until we sell it, it is an inevitable issue. We haven't really gone out to eat, save for groceries, so most of what we eat now is 1,000x healthier than when my Father was around...shocker, huh?
In two weeks, I'll be moving into my Uncle's little condo, which...probably means in the next week, I'll have to visit for hours and clean his shit-hole up. He's a great, caring, comforting man, but like my Father...and even like myself, he doesn't really clean up much. Dust everywhere, shit thrown everywhere... *Sighs*
On top of this, I've been wanting to get back to streaming, but a lack of viewers and interest...of motivation...is keeping me from doing what I love doing. All I keep asking myself is, "When will things get back to normal?" And in some distant, far-off ethereal world, I can hear my Father's voice saying, "It won't kiddo. You need to keep going."
*Curls up in a ball in some corner, and sobs for awhile.* I miss you Dad...
I'm not quite sure how many people have seen my Journal update as of July...dealing with my family tragedy...
But after these last two-and-a-half months, the house is nearing completion for being put on the market. Just painting some more walls, last-little clean-ups here-and-there, and packing up the rest of my crap, and Mom's as well...but due to the nature of our Mom and I keep our bedrooms 'cool' via fans, we are told that they 'gotta go,' which means my computer (my rig, my gaming machine, my past-time and joy...until a certain individual arrives) can't stay here.
Money isn't one hundred percent an issue, but seeing as we have to keep paying on the house until we sell it, it is an inevitable issue. We haven't really gone out to eat, save for groceries, so most of what we eat now is 1,000x healthier than when my Father was around...shocker, huh?
In two weeks, I'll be moving into my Uncle's little condo, which...probably means in the next week, I'll have to visit for hours and clean his shit-hole up. He's a great, caring, comforting man, but like my Father...and even like myself, he doesn't really clean up much. Dust everywhere, shit thrown everywhere... *Sighs*
On top of this, I've been wanting to get back to streaming, but a lack of viewers and interest...of motivation...is keeping me from doing what I love doing. All I keep asking myself is, "When will things get back to normal?" And in some distant, far-off ethereal world, I can hear my Father's voice saying, "It won't kiddo. You need to keep going."
*Curls up in a ball in some corner, and sobs for awhile.* I miss you Dad...
BOOST-O!
Posted 7 years agoWhy?
Posted 7 years agoYesterday, Sunday, July 1st, 2018...around 7:10p.m., the unexplainable, unexpected, and the most horrifying thing happened to me and my Mother...
Two years ago, my Father, at the age of 61, had elective heart surgery, on bypass, due to the irregularity of his heart muscle...the Doctors said he had the arteries and blood vessels of an 80-year-old, but the heart of a 40-year-old...it was because of his racquetballs, he played it 3-4 times a week for a few hours each.
Yesterday...while streaming...I dropped everything when I heard my Mother screaming for me...
I ran into their bedroom to find her performing CPR on my unresponsive and gray-skinned Father.
I called 911. They arrived quickly, got him stable...rushed him to the cardiac center at my Mother's hospital...
And then the officer delivered the news...the news we never wanted to hear.
He passed away.
My Father is gone...the strongest of us is gone...
I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do!
He predicted this...he always told me, "I'm scared of the thought if something happens to me, what I'm leaving behind for you." I'm unemployed still...been applying everywhere...my streaming is taking long to take off, but I'm trying...I'm trying...I'm trying...
I don't know what to do!
Two years ago, my Father, at the age of 61, had elective heart surgery, on bypass, due to the irregularity of his heart muscle...the Doctors said he had the arteries and blood vessels of an 80-year-old, but the heart of a 40-year-old...it was because of his racquetballs, he played it 3-4 times a week for a few hours each.
Yesterday...while streaming...I dropped everything when I heard my Mother screaming for me...
I ran into their bedroom to find her performing CPR on my unresponsive and gray-skinned Father.
I called 911. They arrived quickly, got him stable...rushed him to the cardiac center at my Mother's hospital...
And then the officer delivered the news...the news we never wanted to hear.
He passed away.
My Father is gone...the strongest of us is gone...
I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do!
He predicted this...he always told me, "I'm scared of the thought if something happens to me, what I'm leaving behind for you." I'm unemployed still...been applying everywhere...my streaming is taking long to take off, but I'm trying...I'm trying...I'm trying...
I don't know what to do!
Twitch Affiliated! 100% Official!
Posted 7 years agohttps://prnt.sc/j840pd
Wooooooooooo!!! HAIL!!! \o/
As of April 20th, just before midnight, I hit my final marker to become Affiliated!
So now I welcome everyone to come and join the streams!
http://www.twitch.tv/dubeus
Wooooooooooo!!! HAIL!!! \o/
As of April 20th, just before midnight, I hit my final marker to become Affiliated!
So now I welcome everyone to come and join the streams!
http://www.twitch.tv/dubeus
Tragedy on Valentine's
Posted 7 years agoI'm fairly certain everyone has heard, by now, of the school shooting today...
That's my old high school. I still drive by it nearly every time I need to leave the house. The changes I've seen happen to that place since I graduated back in 2007...is it wrong of me to say, I saw something like this happening, sooner-or-later?
It's a shame that this happened. Especially after hearing many parents and students talking about how 'unhinged' the shooter was. This should be a reminder...you should never stay quiet about any individuals, friends or acquaintances alike, that you believe are showing signs of mental problems.
I've literally walked back-and-forth down the street, the very street off of my house, where students and parents and first-responders passed by...
For something to happen this close to home...
That's my old high school. I still drive by it nearly every time I need to leave the house. The changes I've seen happen to that place since I graduated back in 2007...is it wrong of me to say, I saw something like this happening, sooner-or-later?
It's a shame that this happened. Especially after hearing many parents and students talking about how 'unhinged' the shooter was. This should be a reminder...you should never stay quiet about any individuals, friends or acquaintances alike, that you believe are showing signs of mental problems.
I've literally walked back-and-forth down the street, the very street off of my house, where students and parents and first-responders passed by...
For something to happen this close to home...
MY HOME STATE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!! WOOOOOOO!!!
Posted 7 years agoAlthough I'm not much of a sports fan, I can proudly declare...
EAGLES! EAGLES! EAGLES! EAGLES! EAGLES!
A lot better than those darn Pats winning it, that's for sure. Come at me, Pats fans...come at me! lol
EAGLES! EAGLES! EAGLES! EAGLES! EAGLES!
A lot better than those darn Pats winning it, that's for sure. Come at me, Pats fans...come at me! lol
Twitch Streaming - It's now a thing!
Posted 7 years agoAfter life has tried to wrestle me to the ground a bunch of times, I've finally kicked it aside and picked up my Twitch streaming in a whole new light.
Although it's still a Love/Hate Relationship, I have returned to playing "Dead by Daylight" as both Survivor and Killer, and it's gotten interesting, fun, and yes, quite a bit salty. On top of that, Payday 2 and Killing Floor 2 are now big tickets on my name. And I hope to move to DragonBall Fighter Z, and other fighters as well (For Honor, gotta get Street Fight V: Arcade Edition [I need some Juir bae and Guile in my life]). If you want to come on by and join me, leave the furry behind and let's have some fun.
http://www.twitch.tv/dubeus
Note: The only reason I say "leave the furry behind" for now, is because I'm not sure how I want my Twitch streaming to go...and as much as I would love a ton of furs to join me day-in, day-out with my streams, as much as my streams -are- Adult-Content...I'm just trying to build it up first with viewers, bodies, Follows, and more.
Still, come on by, have some fun...laugh at my idiocy and salt and let's make a great, fun community together!
Although it's still a Love/Hate Relationship, I have returned to playing "Dead by Daylight" as both Survivor and Killer, and it's gotten interesting, fun, and yes, quite a bit salty. On top of that, Payday 2 and Killing Floor 2 are now big tickets on my name. And I hope to move to DragonBall Fighter Z, and other fighters as well (For Honor, gotta get Street Fight V: Arcade Edition [I need some Juir bae and Guile in my life]). If you want to come on by and join me, leave the furry behind and let's have some fun.
http://www.twitch.tv/dubeus
Note: The only reason I say "leave the furry behind" for now, is because I'm not sure how I want my Twitch streaming to go...and as much as I would love a ton of furs to join me day-in, day-out with my streams, as much as my streams -are- Adult-Content...I'm just trying to build it up first with viewers, bodies, Follows, and more.
Still, come on by, have some fun...laugh at my idiocy and salt and let's make a great, fun community together!
That Day of Year - What Else?
Posted 8 years agoMerry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and have a Happy New Years' everyone!
For my sake, please have a better Christmas than me...this family of mine is just murder on the 'joy' of the year. Having suicidal thoughts does not sound like a jolly thing to think about around this time of year...
But when you have a Sister and Brother-in-Law who basically treat you like the punching bag of the family (I was yelled at for eating the last two Oreo's last year...no joke...I was physically yelled at and cursed at for it...) where everything you do is wrong and everything that goes wrong is your fault...
*Rants some more...venting...*
For me, it's time to put on a fake smile and just...roll with the punches. Enough of the drama though...
Have a good one folks!
For my sake, please have a better Christmas than me...this family of mine is just murder on the 'joy' of the year. Having suicidal thoughts does not sound like a jolly thing to think about around this time of year...
But when you have a Sister and Brother-in-Law who basically treat you like the punching bag of the family (I was yelled at for eating the last two Oreo's last year...no joke...I was physically yelled at and cursed at for it...) where everything you do is wrong and everything that goes wrong is your fault...
*Rants some more...venting...*
For me, it's time to put on a fake smile and just...roll with the punches. Enough of the drama though...
Have a good one folks!
Streaming and Discord!
Posted 8 years agoHey there all!
So, though I'm more prone to keep my PERSONAL and BUSINESS accounts/life separate...I think it's only fair that I share this with those around here.
I'm trying to be an entertainer for people, by streaming on Twitch. I'm starting out small, as everyone does, but I hear a lot of people tell me, "You have a very outgoing personality; and your banter with your friends is always so comical." Even though I play games that people like to watch (though I mostly play for myself, cause...hey, I'm the one playing :P), I never seem to get many more than a few handful viewers at a time.
With that said...
If anyone here would like to come on by and watch me be an absolute idiot online, feel free to check out my stream here:
http://www.twitch.tv/dubeus
I need to work on the page layout and all that, but that's all in good time. And if anyone knows ways to help me work with OBS Studio and Stream Layouts, kudos to you, help me out. Shoutout to all those who help and support. :)
For now, the schedule is relatively 'whenever I feel up for it/can.' But I am making more of a habit to do it often. Such as later today (when this Journal is posted), and the following week days.
On top of that, I also run a Discord Server that lets me stay in touch with my viewers (my normies! *cough* regulars), and announce when I'm streaming, until such time that I have a set day/time schedule. So, if you'd like to join the Discord, chat me up there too!
https://discord.gg/FZ6537B
***PLEASE NOTE!!! I'd prefer to keep all FURRY stuff in private, and away from the chat. Letting a little bit out every-so-often is fine, but no actual RPing or smutty stuff in the chat, please. Anyone who does, I'm sorry, but I'll have to remove you for disobeying a direct ruling.
The Discord is meant for chatting, having fun, and getting laughs with people, not for the 'furry' stuff. Okay?
Thanks for taking the time to read this journal, and I hope I can see you all soon, on stream. :)
So, though I'm more prone to keep my PERSONAL and BUSINESS accounts/life separate...I think it's only fair that I share this with those around here.
I'm trying to be an entertainer for people, by streaming on Twitch. I'm starting out small, as everyone does, but I hear a lot of people tell me, "You have a very outgoing personality; and your banter with your friends is always so comical." Even though I play games that people like to watch (though I mostly play for myself, cause...hey, I'm the one playing :P), I never seem to get many more than a few handful viewers at a time.
With that said...
If anyone here would like to come on by and watch me be an absolute idiot online, feel free to check out my stream here:
http://www.twitch.tv/dubeus
I need to work on the page layout and all that, but that's all in good time. And if anyone knows ways to help me work with OBS Studio and Stream Layouts, kudos to you, help me out. Shoutout to all those who help and support. :)
For now, the schedule is relatively 'whenever I feel up for it/can.' But I am making more of a habit to do it often. Such as later today (when this Journal is posted), and the following week days.
On top of that, I also run a Discord Server that lets me stay in touch with my viewers (my normies! *cough* regulars), and announce when I'm streaming, until such time that I have a set day/time schedule. So, if you'd like to join the Discord, chat me up there too!
https://discord.gg/FZ6537B
***PLEASE NOTE!!! I'd prefer to keep all FURRY stuff in private, and away from the chat. Letting a little bit out every-so-often is fine, but no actual RPing or smutty stuff in the chat, please. Anyone who does, I'm sorry, but I'll have to remove you for disobeying a direct ruling.
The Discord is meant for chatting, having fun, and getting laughs with people, not for the 'furry' stuff. Okay?
Thanks for taking the time to read this journal, and I hope I can see you all soon, on stream. :)
150 Watchers (Almost)!?
Posted 8 years agoYeah, so, this shocked me...I was actually feeling a bit tired, refreshing my page to see if any new notes came in before just heading to bed early...
And it dawned on me! I should see how many Watchers I have...147! O.O
That's more than my Twitch followers...which is something else I have to start doing again, seriously at that!
Hmmm, I might have to think about future "Watcher Goal" art pieces to get. If anyone has ideas to share, feel free to let me know. I'm open to new suggestions.
So...yeah...3 more Watchers and I hit 150! Woo!
Edit: I hit 150 a day or two ago! Wooooooooohooooooo! Now to earn up some cash and do some "Watcher Love" stuff.
And it dawned on me! I should see how many Watchers I have...147! O.O
That's more than my Twitch followers...which is something else I have to start doing again, seriously at that!
Hmmm, I might have to think about future "Watcher Goal" art pieces to get. If anyone has ideas to share, feel free to let me know. I'm open to new suggestions.
So...yeah...3 more Watchers and I hit 150! Woo!
Edit: I hit 150 a day or two ago! Wooooooooohooooooo! Now to earn up some cash and do some "Watcher Love" stuff.
To Any and All Sergals Out There!!!
Posted 8 years agoI have a serious question...one that I want to get a better grasp on...
I've been browsing the Sergal Language Reddit and Twitter postings for a few hours, but I'm no closer/sooner to understanding the dialects and text calligraphy used...
So if anyone can help me to understand how to write names or words, can you help me out?
I've been trying to develop text-based drawings with Sergal artists regarding my own Sergals, so any and all help would be MOST appreciated.*
*This would also include joining in Sergal/Sergal arts with me in the future as thanks. <3
I've been browsing the Sergal Language Reddit and Twitter postings for a few hours, but I'm no closer/sooner to understanding the dialects and text calligraphy used...
So if anyone can help me to understand how to write names or words, can you help me out?
I've been trying to develop text-based drawings with Sergal artists regarding my own Sergals, so any and all help would be MOST appreciated.*
*This would also include joining in Sergal/Sergal arts with me in the future as thanks. <3
Hearthstone Friend Recruit!
Posted 9 years agoHeyas folks! Ever play Hearthstone before? Did you ever like World of Warcraft?
Well, try Hearthstone out...it's got lore and fun from WoW wrapped up into an RNG-30-card-deck game!
https://battle.net/recruit/WMXZPBQC.....s=HS&m=web
Enjoy the fun! (And rage of facing players who get EVERY CARD THEY ****ING NEED GRAH!)
Well, try Hearthstone out...it's got lore and fun from WoW wrapped up into an RNG-30-card-deck game!
https://battle.net/recruit/WMXZPBQC.....s=HS&m=web
Enjoy the fun! (And rage of facing players who get EVERY CARD THEY ****ING NEED GRAH!)
