This is what happens when we leave without a decent plan. But my sneppy insisted we left Arizona sooner than humanly possible. Although... it's not like he did it without good reason. Our situation in Arizona had gotten way more toxic than any of us could handle. You could say that... we had no other choice.
But now that we've been stuck at his parents' house for the past week, we have... no idea what to do now. Argh... It's as I predicted, but I hoped we'd know. Oh we have options alright, but none are any good.
Now he's asked me to post this journal asking for advice/help from you guys on what we should do. He's basically resorted to looking for roommates in pretty much anywhere in the country... except for the south and west and especially not southwest. I keep telling him how risky an idea like that is, but yeah... We need to find somewhere with a good job AND housing market. Colorado has a phenomenal job market, but the housing market is shit. We cannot have one without the other or... we're in trouble. Well... We're in trouble now. But you know.
We can survive for a short time more, but we need to figure everything out as soon as possible. We ARE willing to relocate just about anywhere we said we would. IE not the south or southwest. We'd prefer to stay out of the west, but yeah if we have to, we have to.
I have no idea what the hell to even put in this journal, but sneppy told me to ask for help regarding our situation...

Yeah. I am no longer in Arizona as of well... Yesterday afternoon. I wasn't exactly able to let any of you guys know what was going on until now. I'm currently in a library in Denver, CO right now so I CAN let you know that hey, while I figure out where the hell my sneppy and I are going , I'm not gonna be online very much!
But yeah. Things got... really bad really fast down there. We could not stay there. Not that any of us wanted to in the first place, but uh... yeah.
So where the hell am I going? Well my goal is get to Iowa where my mom had gone so we can help her out of the mess SHE'S in right now. That blasted feline of mine is worried about it though..
Right now we're just staying at his home while we gather information and figure out what the hell is happening, and is going to happen.
This may be a rough ride. A lot can go wrong. But we'll see. Wish us luck!
Hope y'all have a good one.

To show tribute to the band that had guided me through adolescence and contributed greatly to who I am today, I want to share with you guys my top 20 favorite songs from the band, Linkin Park, whose lead singer had committed suicide on July 20, 2017...
I added at least one song from all seven of their studio albums. Although for 3 of them it was tough because I didn't like them enough to consider them highly... But yeah... here we are

HONORABLE MENTIONS

(#25) One More Light (OML 2017)
(#24) In My Remains (LT 2012)
(#23) Castle of Glass (LT 2012)
(#22) Burn It Down (LT 2012)
(#21) Faint (Meteora 2003)

#20 BY MYSELF (Hybrid Theory, 2000)

This song is me in middle school. Trust issues out the ass, I hated talking to anyone. I still kinda do, but not as bad as back then... That's basically the song right there...

#19 GOOD GOODBYE (One More Light, 2017)

About kicking someone or... something... out of your life... this is a song I needed a long time ago. It's Lost in the Echo in that sense, but a little more on the nose about it.

#18 UNTIL IT'S GONE (The Hunting Party, 2014)

You've heard it said a thousand times. You don't know what you've got... until it's gone... and now... ...

#17 LYING FROM YOU (Meteora, 2003)

One of my favorites when I first heard it in 2011 when I was 14, it's a song that resonates with angsty teens easily. I've grown out of it just a little...

#16 FROM THE INSIDE (Meteora, 2003)

Another one that's like By Myself. Trust problems :P Although this one is more... sad and angry together rather than... just angry. It's that kind of thing that resonates more with me...

#15 PUSHING ME AWAY (Hybrid Theory, 2000)

...The More I think about this song, the more I realize that it really kind of fits "The War on Love"... and the projects that spawned from it...
I got to look into this more someday soon...

#14 POWERLESS (Living Things, 2012)

There is something about the closing tracks that speaks to me... as four of them are on this list. I've revealed my skeletons time and time again... only to be betrayed and deceived... by what? What not?

#13 THE CATALYST (A Thousand Suns, 2010)

The only A Thousand Suns song on this list, The Catalyst is basically... something about war. ATS and Minutes to Midnight are heavily into the war and politics commentary, which I commend even if I am not personally into it.
Unless it fits a war that I fight myself... ...kinda like this one...

#12 GUILTY ALL THE SAME (The Hunting Party, 2014)

This song is epic. And... speaks a lot of words a LOT of people need to hear. I'd have liked it more if not for the really long instrumental beginning. I never was fond of those...

#11 REBELLION (The Hunting Party, 2014)

Sad thing is, I often overlook this song and skip over it despite how much I like it... I dunno how that happens... I just like how... surprisingly positive the song is. Not much to say... about any of these...

#10 IN THE END (Hybrid Theory, 2000)

The classic of classics. In the End is one of the most iconic songs of the band. And it's not hard to ignore that because this is one of the OG 4. One of the four songs that got me to fall in love with the band in 2010. And the other ones are coming later in the top 10...

#9 ALL FOR NOTHING (The Hunting Party, 2014)

Mike Shnoda really knocked it out of the park with this one... This is probably my favorite of all of Shinoda's appearances in the entire band's discography...

#8 NUMB (Meteora, 2003)

The second of the OG 4, Numb is easily another icon of the band. I will be me. I will not be you.

#7 LOST IN THE ECHO (Living Things, 2012)

It's Good Goodbye, but better really... Don't get me started on the bridge with Shinoda rapping about overcoming everything. Gives All For Nothing some SERIOUS runs for its money...

#6 BREAKING THE HABIT (Meteora, 2003)

...This song can easily be summed up as... Chester's theme song. Think about it and everything he's been through up until a week ago... Think about it. And the same can easily be applied to me in different ways. To all of us...

#5 WHAT I'VE DONE (Minutes to Midnight, 2007)

Finally the one and only Minutes to Midnight song the list... What I've Done is the third of the OG 4. And... It's my theme song right about now...
But the difference is... I will never forgive what I've done...

#4 FINAL MASQUERADE (The Hunting Party, 2014)

This is the current theme song so to speak for Winter's Gallows/One Decision's Echoes... There is no other things that need to be said...

#3 I'LL BE GONE (Living Things, 2012)

The most underrated song of LP's easily. Why does no one talk about this epic ass song!?? I love everything about it... the way it sounds, the story of it... yeah...

#2 NEW DIVIDE (Transformers? 2009???)

I had to include this one even if it wasn't a part of any studio album.... As the one of the OG 4 that got me to officially get me into the band, I had to put it this high for nostalgic reasons. That and it's like I'll Be Gone for the way it sounds, but... better I guess...?

#1 A LINE IN THE SAND (The Hunting Party, 2014)

I'm not entirely sure how this song crept up my favorites list until it was #1... It could be... the way it sounds... the way it closed out the album that came out during the darkest days of my life... It could be the way it has been applied to the way my life played out when my depression began in the first place...
The way it describes that life was once good, but little did we know... that loss of innocence. Give me back what's mine. Give me back my innocence. Give me back my life.... Give it back...

___

It's sad to think that there may not be any more greatness from this band anymore. And even if there would be, it will never be the same without Chester. LP is no stranger to change, oh no, but would this change be too much, even for them? What will the future hold? Only time will tell...

A few things, um...
Emotionless Equinox's title will be changing... I honestly never liked it when I chose it and was always saying that it was NOT likely to be permanent. Hopefully now that I have chosen something I can put more work into it now...
Honestly I am still not set on what I chose this time, but ya know what...? Let's see how it goes.
The new title is as follows.
"One Decision's Echoes"
With a proposed tagline of "A single split second decision will have everlasting echoes"
A new thumbnail has also been designed and once again, I am not satisfied with it.
What can I say... I am a harsh critic/perfectionist on myself...

Also rest in piece Chester Bennington... Um... I know I am like, four days late, but... Damn... Linkin Park really guided me through adolescence, coming into my life 7 years ago... and now. No more. It's insane... I've mentioned them a few times in previous journals... So yeah... that hit hard... It makes me feel bad because I recently renounced their spot as my favorite band to Starset and have personally panned their new album which... in hindsight... may have warned us that Chester was close to the edge and was... about to break... :(

Also my personal life is getting infinitely worse. Don't think I should go into detail there, but um... yeah. Just letting you know in case I act... not usual... and stuff... Suppose if you want me to talk about it, swing a note at me...

I'm back home, lol.
Forgot to make note of that. :P

Just as the title say. From July 10-12-ish, I'll be there. Because my sneppy boyfriend decided to get his fluffy butt into some trouble there and he wants me to help him deal with it so to speak. Expect me to be offline for a chunk of time within the next five-ish days 7/9-7/13. I suppose. Bleck. I aim to leave in a few hours when he gets off work so... Yeah.
After this blows over... we'll see what happens. ;)

I um... did say that the title for that project was not final. Whilst working on Aegis of Iridescence, I also was trying to work out a finalized title for Emotionless Equinox. With the way this story is structured and due to circumstances... writing it is a huge pain in the tail region if you ask me... I gotta plan things super carefully with it or I will likely hit a LOT of plot holes and inconsistencies. It's a story about the past 46 months of my life and that is actually a plausible problem. Don't ask me how, just know that it's FA's fault. (And it really is. It's all a convoluted mess that I have to traverse very carefully). This is why the project is on the backburner for now.
But back to the name thing. The story is basically about how one decision had sent a spiraling chain of events that changed my life in incredibly drastic ways. That a simple "Post" button was all it needed to have me in Arizona with no purpose instead of Oklahoma, studying Atmospheric Sciences right this moment in time. It's sent echoes that will influence my life for the remainder of my time. One can say they are... everlasting...
"Everlasting Echoes"...
Shall this be the new title? I am still working it out. It's the only one I've come up with so far... And yeah, keeping the double E-word theme because Wynaut?
Kehf. I am very well aware that nobody actually cares about this story at all despite the harrowing journey that occurred to even make it possible... but still. I like to post stuff like this because it gives me something to do. I know nobody actually reads these things :P
If you have, say sandwich. ...On second thought no. That's stupid.
...
I'll go and... write some more then...

I dunno what it is... ...or why it's taken me so long to even realize that this has even been a trend in my life, but... the majority of the beginning of Junes in the past half of my life have been big time important to my life.
Why? Is it all just a random coincidence? Okay maybe but it's still... so weird that this would even be a thing at all...

6/1/2008 was the day I moved to Denver where... I learned the hard way just how brutal life can be to someone...
6/3/2010 I am not sure how to describe what, but something on this day transitioned my life for the better. And I think it had a big role in eventually finding the fandom at all...
6/4/2011 Heard the concept of furries for the first time. Since I let the fandom become a huge part of my life overall at this point. Yeah. It's more of an effect event, and not a direct one...
6/1/2014 Again, like 2010, it is hard putting into words what happened... but all I can really say is that an old friend came back and...
6/1/2015 Was the day of my friggin' high school graduation! I think that's a big deal dont'cha think?
6/2/2016 Returning to Walmart where I've stayed since in order to recover from a personal financial fiasco... Not really THAT big a deal, but... still something...
6/1/2017 ...My LDR boyfriend moved to the town I live in to be with me... It's almost too good to be true, considering all that's happened in the few years before this point...

Kay seriously though... what is up with all these events? With 2009, 2012, and 2013 disregarded, that's 7 out of 10 years listed where at least something moderately important happened? But why? I still don't get it. And more importantly... ...what's 2018 gonna do? If anything. No clue. Could be anything. Good or bad.

I swear I am probably over-analyzing a simple coincidence, but god damn it, I do that ALL the time. It's just a part of who I am I guess...

Sorry for being stupidly random. Have a good day!

September 3, 2013 - June 1, 2017

Is it finally over?
I am almost afraid to say so, but um... the possibility stands, which is just. Surreal. I cannot say the math was accurately done for this time range, but I am too lazy to check for sure...
But yeah... Back on September 3, 2013, I made the most devastating decision of my life thus far. What's... scary.... is that you can find just what I did, historically buried somewhere on FA... You may know that I am writing Emotionless Equinox to chronicle all that has occurred ever since that day took place. Or at least what's most important about it. What's sad is... I remember every bad thing that's ever happened to me very clearly. At least these events since a certain point in my life that is...
I remember being poisoned and the shit that followed back in 2008 quite clearly, despite it being an ever approaching, almost half my life ago now...
It feels like years have passed since this all began... and I mean, like, a decade or something, not the incredible, not even 4 years yet... More time has passed between when this began and since I recovered from the poisoning fiasco, to put into perspective. Why is that? Why does that surprisingly small gap of time feel like a lifetime? It's got to be some sort of psychology thing...
But to even think that it's over, is simply uplifting. My depression... might just be beatable at this point. Who knows? But despite this anomaly of victory... I'm still anxious to see what the future holds as things often go horrifically wrong when things go right... So I suppose we'll see what happens... eh...?

September 3, 2013 - July 7, 2014 The Catalyzation
July 7, 2014 - March 1, 2015 The Loneliness
March 1, 2015 - December 8, 2015 The Solitude
December 8, 2015 - January 7, 2017 The Derailment
January 7, 2017 - June 1, 2017 The Final Gambit...

I suggest you remember those lines for the book.
Well... I guess there is only one thing left to do now... Keep going into the future. And get my life back on track after this thrashing that will never be forgotten...
Now... let's just hope it STAYS over...

- Name: Ben. I guess...
- Single or taken: Taken :P
- Gender: I has Y Chromosome :P
- Birthday: The 15th day of the final month
- Sign: Saggitarius. How do you spell it again? I'm too lazy to look it up..
- Hair color: Black as the night sky
- Eye color: Brown like.... chocolate... :P
- Height: 5' 7"
- Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Oh bitch, I'm FAAAAAAABULOUS :P

____________________________________________________________________________
S P E C I F I C S
____________________________________________________________________________

- What kind of shampoo do you use?: Axe
- What are you listening to right now?: Starset-- Monster
- Who is the last person that called you?: On the phone??? Um my mom I think...
- How many buddies are online right now?: My boyfriend. That's it right now, I THINK... as far as I know
____________________________________________________________________________
F A V O U R I T E S
____________________________________________________________________________

- Animal: Foxehs. Sneps. Coonbutts. Among others :P
- Colour: Aqua blue/green
- Drink: Mountain Dew Game Fuel Y U NO PERMANENT!?
- Element: Aero. Air. Wind. Blah.
- Food: Cheezkake :P
- Game: I'm Really Feeling it! Now it's Reyn time! What a buncha jokahs! THIS IS THE MONADO'S POWAH!
- Movie: Um................. I dunno. Harry Potter? Zootopia? Guardians of the Galaxy...??????? I dunno...
- Song: Starset. ...My Demons, Monster, Carnivore.... do NOT make me choose just one song from that epic band...
- Subjects in school: Science!
- T.V.: Code Lyoko or Courage the Cowardly Dog. I dunno where I'd be without either
____________________________________________________________________________
H A V E | Y O U | E V E R
____________________________________________________________________________

- Given anyone a bath?: No. Maybe someday very soon....
- Smoked?: Considering the fact that this brittle lunged fox still breathes, I think we can safely say I hasn't :P
- Bungee jumped?: Ohhhh.... OH GOD NO! :S
- Made yourself throw up?: Almost. When I was 6 :P
- Skinny dipped?: I want to :P
- Ever been in love?: Yeah.... I think we get the point here...
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: I do not think I ever have...
- Pictured your crush naked?: DUH
- Actually seen your crush naked?: Noooot yet. Saving that moment for a special occasion :P
- Cried when someone died?: Nope
- Lied?: I do not think there is anyone alive who hasn't...
- Fallen for your best friend?: Um... not really no...
- Used someone?: I do not do as such...
- Done something you regret?: Oh lots of things... June 1, 2008... September 3, 2013... September 7, 2015... December 17, 2015... This is why I am a terrible, SHIT ASS decision maker, people! :P
____________________________________________________________________________
C U R R E N T
____________________________________________________________________________

- Clothes: Usually dark clothes. Black or blue shirts (usually) black pants... Bleh. It's the only color I look good in got it!? :S
- Desktop picture: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/20280928/ My coonbutt, Lukan :P
- Mood: So tired... So frustrated with Walmart...
- Pets: Well they aren't mine, but my roommates'... A German Shepard and a pit bull...

____________________________________________________________________________
L A S T | P E R S O N
____________________________________________________________________________

- You touched: Roommate I guess...?
- Hugged: Wow it's been years... um... my mom I guess...?
- You kissed: ....Um....
- You IMed: BOYFRIEND <3

___________________________________________________________________________
A R E | Y O U
___________________________________________________________________________

- Understanding?: For the most part...
- Open-minded?: For the most part...
- Arrogant?: Try the opposite...
- Insecure?: INCREDIBLY!!!
- Random?: I SAT ON THE POLISH PRESIDENT'S SANDWICH!!!!1 :P
- Hungry?: Yep. I eat so little :P
- Smart?: Weeelll... They say I am, but if I am hooman, then no... not really. Fucking moronic by default...
- Moody?: FUCK YOU. I love you... Go away... Waaaah.....
- Organized?: What does that word mean? *hides under a sea of random shit* :P
- Shy?: OH ABSOLUTELY
- Difficult?: Only if you give me a reason to be. ...A lot of people give me reasons to be...
- Bored easily?: Yes. Yes indeed, very much so :P
- Entertained easily?: I can't say I am...
- Obsessed?: With what? Maybe my snep I am...
- Lazy?: OH GOD YEAH
- Angry?: FUCK YOU WALMART....
- Happy?: No. But maybe someday very soon....
- Hyper?: Way too tired to be as such....
- Trusting?: Hm... If you know anything about me then you'd know my trust is harder to gain than having world peace...

___________________________________________________________________________
R A N D O M
___________________________________________________________________________

- In the morning: Yay time to get off of work! ...Fucking overnight jobs!!
- Love is: mutual understanding of the other's feelings...
- I dream about: snow leopards...
- What do you notice first in the sex you're into: Personality for sure
___________________________________________________________________________
W H O
___________________________________________________________________________

- Makes you laugh the most: Coworkers. The only thing that doesn't inherently suck about work...
- Makes you smile: Boyfriend <3
- Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: Probs the boyfriend :P

___________________________________________________________________________

D O | Y O U | E V E R
___________________________________________________________________________

- Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: Kehhe sometimes I do. Sometimes he's waiting for me :P
- Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Considering a lot... not in the slightest. Gotta hand it to girls for the biology they have to deal with all the time... don't want to experience that myself at all...
- Wish you were younger?: Of course... maybe then I can have a do-over with my life...
- Cry because someone said something to you?: Yeah well...
___________________________________________________________________________
N U M B E R
___________________________________________________________________________

- Of times I have had my heart broken?: At least 13 times in three years!
- Of Cd's: 15 I think? I tend to keep my music digitally more...
- Of houses lived in: Just HOUSES...? Then three. Only three. Including the one I am in now...
- Of scars on my body: I can think of at least 8... but who knows, I might nave more than I know...
- Of bones I've broken: None as far as I remember...
- Of car accident you've had: ALMOST. Fucking Wyoming icy winters and shit...

Argh... where do I begin with this TRAVESTY of a company... I am ashamed to say I've worked at this one here for nearly a year now and accumulated 20 months overall with the company... but I am reeeaaaallly starting to loathe the bullshit I have been through whilst dealing with this terrible, terrible company...
Where do I begin? I just.... I dunno...
To those who do not know right now... my boyfriend and I are both working at our respective Walmarts, raising as much money as we can from what little we get paid, by the way, so we can be together.
Well a few weeks ago I was hit with a proposition that could get him to move where I am now, but... well among other things, Walmart is being a complete lazy tool with this endeavor. As we are trying to get him to transfer to my store, but his managers are useless, most of them are not even THERE to help him. And I mean not even at his store for whatever the hell reason they have! So now we are almost out of time to get his transfer approved. Actually we may as well be out of time, now that it's Saturday... This could have been avoided if his store manager was there for JUST ONE FUCKING DAY. But no. Ten days strong and nobody. The hell.
Oh... but HIS store is not the only shithole right now... MY store's managers are lazier than a fucking Slaking! They just... don't do ANYTHING to help you out. At all. My co manager in particular... I mean. He is a REALLY nice guy... but niceness can only get you so far. Not only did he NOT fix my fucked up schedule this week (That's another thing), but he also takes SO much time off, that you see Haley's Comet a lot more than you see him!
This... this is complete bullshit! First they contribute to the DISASTER that was moving to Arizona... Now they are botching up the union between me and my boyfriend. This... I just got no words... I'm too pissed off to let my writer's vocabulary fly... >:(

Walmart- The root of all evil, by far...

No. I will not finish Winter's Gallows. Or at least... I will at some other point.

I decided that I will completely rewrite the story and make it closer to what ACTUALLY happened in my life. Not completely... but closer. I don't know if I will do the thing where there will be choices towards the end to change his fate and all that... Maybe, maybe not. But I am going back to the drawing board with the unofficially and not finally named
"Emotionless Equinox"

I also do not intend this one to be AS long as WG. I can't say I can project how long it WILL be at this point... but WG is a mess. A horrific mess. Not many people have said it was, but nobody is defending it either. I can only go off of my instinct. And my instinct says it's trash. So a new project will takes its place. I'm sorry... Like I said I do not think WG will be completely gone. I might finish it later in life. Could be a few months, years, who knows?

My only PROBLEM is... I want to start from the beginning from when this fiasco began. September 4, 2013. Back then I was 16. And if I want this story to match my life that closely, it has to begin there. Or at least, at that age. But that presents a problem. For the more... *ahem* steamy scenes that may get involved... FA and Weasyl will not like that and it will cause problems. I will have to think about this very carefully.

This time... I will take care NOT to fuck it up! The core of the characters will be the same. Lukan, Klaus, and probably Will, will have their parts. As for Nathias... ...Uh... Yeah I don't think so. At least so far. Blegh. Let's start over and do this more carefully this time...

I'll finish Winter's Gallows.
I... seriously think the story is trash now, but that might be because as I get older, my standards get higher... than they need to be. Still... I kind of feel ashamed that I let a long, arduous, and emotional project turn into... whatever the fuck it is now...
But... seeing as I HAVE invested so much into it... I guess I will have to finish it and say... That I have. We'll see how little worth it has in the end...
Still not 100% set on keeping Aero the fox as my main face in substitution for the Lukan the coon, but uh...
Yeah.
Also. Depression is a bitch. I want it to end. ...September/October 2017. If all finally goes right, it will...
108-109 months of depression.
48-49 months of this particular war with it. It will end.
Sorry... It's because my depression has gotten much worse as 2017 began to progress that I haven't done anything once again. I swear, it has eaten all of my motivation and all my focus away. I just... don't feel like doing anything anymore. All I can do is keep working my shitty ass job to raise every penny I can to going to Iowa this fall...
If I can just... not be affected by it for just a little while I promise I could get shit done! But alas... Here I am doing nothing to help myself. Like I said. Too focused on making money to spare even a simple thought for myself. I'm actually... fasting myself a little bit just to save money! I know for a fact that I MUST have lost at least 10 pounds already since April began...
I've been burned by money once, upon coming down here to Arizona... and I absolutely... REFUSE to let it happen EVER again. Being homeless twice has taught me to treat every penny like gold...
But it's destroying me way more than I could have realized. I swear every $5 I have to spend has broken me down somewhat. Let's think of it this way... This month is the first time since SEPTEMBER, that I commissioned art, and went to a significant restaurant to have a real meal for a change... Isn't that just sad...? Knowing how much I actually have saved up now, compared to my attitude towards is just... asinine... Even I know it. But after everything. I just cannot let a dime go to waste. Not again... Not this time. After 2008, 2014, and 2016... I learned that... no chances can ever be allowed to be taken again... Not ones like this. I'm a stubborn asshole is what I am. Sappha exists for a reason... But honestly... I made this my final attempt at happiness, and it WILL be the final one. If it fails for whatever reason, I will just flat out give up. You may have noticed a countdown on my page? That's ticking the days down until I decide to kill myself. I'm not... fooling around with life like this anymore... and this is why I am as stubborn as I am. Because this time... this time it really must work... for it will mean that I will continue to live...
I'm sorry I ever said anything in this journal. I HATE letting you guys know how I feel because I know it brings you down too. And it makes me look bad too. But I do think you all need to know what's going on with me... and why... I've been so silent. I am a reticent man, but I hate leaving people hanging even more, ya know?
Also... there is one last thing I want to talk about. And that is about my AD account here on FA I am thinking of completely closing that account down and immigrating all its art here onto this account. I think I made a mistake by creating an AD account in the first place. Because of how little NSFW stuff I can get and create because of the aforementioned problems... it seems like a complete waste. Like it doesn't even matter, nor belong here. Um... I guess the question I leave for you guys is this... what DO you think I should do with the AD account and what little content I DO have on it...? Chances are, I'll get rid of it eventually.

TLDR--
Winter's Gallows will resume
I am too depressed to do jack shit lately
I am so stubborn and stingy with my money
Depression getting worse
You need to know what's going on even though it makes me look bad and I don't want to.
And my AD account may close. Still deciding that shiz...

So uh... you probably know that I have done a lot of these sorts of things back in '14 and '15 right...? Well uh... I saw this floating around and well... I never actually did this with all of my OCs now have I...? I feel like I should rectify this missed opportunity immediately! So let's do so...

What is the name of your fursona?

Aero Novarra
Lukan/Lukas Benka
Klaus Richtors
Sappha Skison
Tidal is just... well... Tidal...
William Perow
Nathias Love

Where did the name of your Fursona come from?

Aero's name came from the wind. As when I lived in Wyoming, wind was... everywhere. I named him for the representation of the element of air.
Lukan is named for the name my mom wanted to give me when I was born. Lukas. Lucas. However you want to spell it.
Klaus is named to be an anagram of Lukan(s). He was also named as such for several video characters with the same or similar name. Klaus Bachtein from Star Ocean 4. Zanza from Xenoblade was actually originally named Klaus too...
Sappha is named for his sapphire colored fur
Tidal is Tidal because Tidal.
Will Perow is a play on/anagram of the word "willpower".
His name came from an amalgamation of many names of people who once antagonized my life to the breaking point

What species is your fursona and why did you choose that species?

Aero is a fox. Now... I created him before I even knew what this fandom was and discovered just how... prevalent foxes were... And I felt I had a connection with foxes at the time, when I was 14. I still kinda do. It's also a perfect species considering the novel I designed around him...
Lukan is a raccoon because once I developed him as a character, I saw him more of a raccoon than anything else.
Klaus is an otter mostly because of one side of my personality he does represent. Otters fit that to a T
Sappha is a wolf because... like Klaus, his species fits this side of my personality
Weeeeelll I was thinking of making a Pokesona. So I did. Floatzels are my favorite Pokemon :P
Snow leopards are creatures that have conquered the winter, right? Weeellll *points to Winter's Gallows*. That and sneps are beautiful. And hot >.>
Black cats are unlucky symbols. Correct?

What color is your fursona and why? Hair/fur/eye/ect.

Oh yeah well. Aero's fur was not always golden. As my username implies, I designed him as a grayer, shadowy design at first, again to set up his story, but... On my 18th birthday, as the worst year I endured in my personal life was coming to a close, I redesigned him with a golden palette. To symbolize the triumph I felt that I just endured the lowest point in my life yet... and hopefully ever...
Lukan is not a specially colored raccoon. All though a very minor detail was given to him. The mask on his face has points between his eyes. I thought with that I would be able to design a symbol of some kind to represent him. Such a symbol I decided not to make, but the marking is there nonetheless.
As for the way Klaus was designed, there aren't many special notes here. I just designed him in a way that I thought looked really good
He's a sapphire color because of my mom's birthstone being sapphire. Unfortunately, my own, is not a good fit whatsoever to me...
Tidal is a shiny Floatzel because I created him while I was still shiny hunting Pokemon a lot.
A dull blue fur and cyan eyes. I thought the combo looked nice on top of the fact cyan is my favorite color
Black cats are unlucky symbols. Correct?

What is your fursona's personality and how does this compare to your RL personality?

Aero is one side of my personality, as are all my OCs. Aero represents my passion and drive to chase what I want from life. The side of me that also wants to find balance and equality for where there is none.
Out of all my OCs, Lukan is the closest one to mine as a whole. Extremely shy, reclusive, cautious, far from technologically savvy, and quite studious. I overdeveloped him for sure...
Klaus is the one that is a bit more talkative. He's pretty much the antithesis to Lukan, which is a side that I rarely show. On top of that, Klaus also represents my reticence and reluctance to reveal how I truly feel inside..
Sappha is known as the stubborn and hard headed one. He's not easy to get along with. Easy to anger. His heart may not be misplaced, but he's very blunt. He sugar coats nothing.
Tidal is a little bit of everything. A jack of all trades if you will.
Hellbent on continuing living no matter what. Determined to make it through life even in all time lows
A manifestation of the fact that I feel like I am a completely shitty person, Nathias is the evil side of me, fighting against what I want in life, as well as others. Claiming all of it to be nothing more than unrealistic delusions... The antithesis to both Aero and Will...

What is one item your fursona owns that is significant to you in RL?

Um... None of my OCs actually have anything that I do IRL. Perhaps one day I will change that but uh...

What is one thing you think you would say to your fursona if you could meet?

I'm sorry for not being able to develop you as much as I should have...
I'm sorry for developing you too much. I make you stand out and I know you hate that! :P
All I can say is... let's try to speak our minds more often...
How can we convince anyone we're good guys if we act as such...?
W-wait. Are Pokemon real!?
Can I really win here?
Look at what I've become...

What is one thing your fursona would say to you if you could meet?

Keep chasing those outlandish dreams. You will be surprised at how much you can accomplish if you do
.... ...... ....*runs away and hides*
We need to try to make more friends... Maybe then we would not have to worry, right? ...Right?
Hmph. Everyone is an idiot. Including you, me, us. We agree. Right?
Float. Zel
You can. Keep going.
And it's all thanks to the true nature of our kind...

How has your fursona changed over the years?

Well... see the question about his fur coloring and stuff. That would be it.
When I made concept art of him and two others two years ago, he was not conceived just yet. But as I did. That's what he became.
Klaus actually made a short appearance in the book that I wrote around Aero. But his personality was DRASTICALLY different there. This was before I decided to split my personality into seven random animal people :P
Sappha has not changed since his inception
I DID have a prototype of a Pokesona before creating Tidal. Hunter's Moon the Umbreon/Zoroark. It's easy to see why I scrapped him...
Other than a change to his design before revealing him, no. No changes
Nathias WILL be going through a redesign before I release his appearance because I do not like it.

How long have you had this fursona?

Ironically, Aero is one of the only OCs I know when I made him specifically. October 20, 2011. So almost five and a half years now.
Lukan was conceived sometime in the first quarter of 2015. He became the main character of Winter's Gallows, which I'd start several months following.
Technically, since July 2013. Klaus was the second one I created. Although Klaus as we know him now did not come to fruition until sometime in 2015...
Sappha was the third one conceived in early 2015 along with Lukan and Klaus.
Since September 2015
Since March 2016
Since November 2016

Would you like to be more like your fursona?

Well, all my sonas are a bit like me as they are all a... bit... of me. But of all, Aero is definitely one I'd prefer to be more than the others...
Honestly... even though Lukan is the one that fits me the most... he's the one I want to be LESS like...
I'll keep the social-ness of him. I don't know about the reticence though...
No. Like Lukan, I want to be less like him...
...He is me. Just much less of me
Absolutely
Absolutely not

So... Uh... as you all know, I have seven OCs/Fursonas or whatever you want to call them... each one that holds at least one or more traits of my personality as a whole.
Um... and you may know that I made note a few times that one of them has a much bigger piece of my personality than any of the other ones. Even Aero. Especially Aero actually... uh... Ironically, even though the fox is my main guy, my main face, I believe his development as a character is the most lackluster of them all. Except MAYBE Sappha, but ONLY because of how little I've portrayed him...
But the OC that has by far the strongest development in my mind is none other than Lukan Benka, the raccoon... and... for a while now, I have been wondering what I can do about it. It is FAR too late to shuffle these traits around as they are completely established... but Lukan has half of my personality at least, with the other 6 sharing the other half. It's... ludicrous.
There really is one thing I can do about it. And... that would be to change my fursona completely TO Lukan and replace Aero. Uh... yeah... This is a decision that I am of course not taking lightly... I mean I could just leave everything as is, but it would still... kinda bother me. I would really like all your input on this matter, because while I am still wanting to stay foxeh, the part of me that is saying go coonbutt is becoming more noticeable. It's all just... something to think about, ya know..?

It took this long to get my page views over 9,000? Well I guess it's because I am not active enough... Yeah I keep saying that will change, but that hasn't. Why? Honestly, I think it's because I am not sure how... When it comes to social skills, I have more like... anti-skills at it... That 91% in the Introversion score of my personality is there for a reason. I think the only reason it's not 100 is because I want that to change. I think. Uh... Sorry.
I am not good at people :P

Oh yeah and uh... New theme song for Lukan Benka. So to speak. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-kCm6gpu2A
I dunno. Bleck. Uh...
Potatoes.

Post a journal, letting you all know when I've queued another new story for future work and stuff. Even those that will be surprises and yadda yadda... Juuust won't be giving ANY sort of details in regards to what would be contained within... :P
I often DO forget to update my status on my page... and even more so when it comes to updating it... completely... but when I do... I do not think... anyone actually notices that so... for new story queues... I will. But updates in that regard... you'll just have to pay attention to the status... and we'll be alright? Alright.

New Story queued:

Title: Thousands of Years of Light
Genre: Sci-Fi
Setting/Universe: Not yet discerned
Main character(s) (of my OC or others'): Sappha
Word Goal: 40,000 words (Novella)
Rating: SFW

'kay...? Kay. Okay. So let us do this thing?

I will uh.... be working on this and Aegis of Iridescence for now... uh... I dunno about Winter's Gallows anymore... the more I look at it... the more I hate it... I don't... want such a HUGE investment in time and effort go to absolute waste but... It may be more trouble than its worth trying to make it competent... So... what should I do? It's almost done so... maybe I can still just power through it... even though it is complete shit... I dunno... :/

Well? What does everyone think...?
...Still not sure if I want to continue this story or not the way it has gone... Blehhh...

And fuck Valentine's Day.
...Just sayin'...

...I am so tired. Foxeh go sleep now.

Four years of this site and thus, this fandom.
Wow.
Time is an inconceivably fast bitch.
So, uh... Yeah.
There are a few things I wanted to reveal for today, but the date sneaked up on me and well..
Let me just say... that I have one final OC/Fursona to reveal to make it a complete, unified seven. As seven often symbolizes luck and completion right?
Well... I tried drawing him and stuff... but it was shit. Even for me.
I drew him on paper and it turned out great! But guess who has no way to show you decently...? Me... Yeah... Later, I will update my OC/Fursonas journal here with all his revealed info. Let me just say, that if you kept up with Winter's Gallows. It could be a shocker!

Another thing! I am building a concept/world for a future science fiction short novel/novella! Yeah! Seriously! Starring Sappha because... well I need to fucking use him more, that's why!

And one more thing. I've pinpointed Des Moines in as the probable location that I will target in the fall of this year...

OH YEAH AND SUPER IMPORTANT THING. I WILL BE BUILDING A FURRY NETWORK ACCOUNT LATER TODAY TO COMMEMORATE. Look out for the link to as such that I may update this journal with later. 'kay...?

Also I hit 200 subscribers on Youtube. I wonder how long that will be as such...

So uh. Yeah. This year was. Just. Holy shit... And now... my fifth year in this world of fur and whatever some of these species are... has begun. I seriously hope I can contribute more this time around, as I really have not done as much as I should at this point in time...
Bleck.

Got myself a Facebook and Twitter accounts...
Nyuuughhh after all the time I promised myself I would not DO as such, but it's becoming increasingly more and more obvious that I am gonna need ones if I want to keep up with certain things.
Twitter for certain artists and things of that nature...
And thanks to a certain roommate NOT reactivating or getting a phone or whatever the solution COULD be that's not happening, Facebook might be my only way of being in contact with my mom, with whom you may know, I was cut off from last year...
Do I want to make these accounts public? Errrr... Oh I dunno. Maybe just Twitter for now. I may just make the Facebook one a little bit more personal and not something I'd want to share with everyone here.
I honestly haven't a fudging CLUE what I am doing on either site, so please bear with me here... I am a noob when it comes to anything remotely like this...
But yeah. Golden fox has joined social media. I will update my profile later when I feel like it.
BLEARGH.

Also my fourth anniversary on FA, and thus, the fandom, is coming up very soon! Holy shizzles! And boy do I have something planned..
Not really. Or do I...? You decide, friends...

So uh... I thought it would be a good idea to share with you guys what I think are my best and worst traits in writing. Ya know... maybe I could get some help remedying the bad ones but...

I believe I am best with...

*Character creation and development
*World and concept building
*Having some sense of style
*storytelling and story building
*when I DO write, I can write with speed and efficiency

I believe I am okay with or CAN be good or bad depending on the situation with...

-tying plot points together
-word choice (can be strong at times, but also repetitive)
-I at least have some semblance of grammar fluency (But far from perfect. I do not know everything..)
-making more minor character s stand out with under or overdoing it
-Differentiating certain main characters from each other (in other words, do my characters, all of them, feel different?)

But I think I TOTALLY suck at...

X Plot coherence (Sticking to one central plot)
X Editing and proofreading (Mistakes often fly over my head)
X Avoiding certain mistakes in GENERAL (I still have much to learn)
X Expositions. (I am AWFUL at starting a story. Once I do it's no problem, but it's doing so that's hard for me...)
X Giving explicit detail (Basic detail sure, but I can only do so much before I feel repetitive...)
X Changing my mind mid-story (Coincides perfectly with the lack of plot coherence)
X NOT being in constant slumps ( I do NOT write nearly as much as I SHOULD, dammit...)

Just to give you an idea of what I think of myself as a writer. One that shows promise, sure, but is still woefully short of being anything truly outstanding in any way. And that's because of these unfortunate shortcomings, which there are a lot of... I hope to overcome them someday...
I can only keep getting better though. So I will still pursue continuous improvement as time goes on...

Just as the title says...
Although I don't feel ready to work on Winter's Gallows yet... That project hinged on what I set out to do shortly after starting it. Now that hinge is broken. I may not be totally certain I want it to work the way it has anymore.
It's too late to make any changes now, but... It almost feels like a waste, now...

But for now, I am going to work on other projects and... spoiler alert, two of the three planned projects are gonna be thoroughly NSFW... Yeah I said it. As for the third... Just try and take a guess. You'll never get it. :P

Good day, friends.

Hello friends..
Uh... I'm doing only a little better... ...but only because I have a few ideas of what to do next.
But I say only a little better because... even then I got more choices to make. Ho boy... As big as they are, perhaps they might not be as critical as the one I had to make back in September... but... the question being... WHERE should I spend the next chapter of my life? As I no longer have a purpose here in Arizona... perhaps I do elsewhere. And I have chosen five states where I could possibly have one.
Four of which I've been before, but I digress...

First choice is to stay here in Arizona...
Now, I just said I did not have a purpose here anymore, but does that mean it is impossible to find a new one? No not really. As I find a HUGE pro in Arizona being the fact that the furry community is HUGE here. Bigger than any other state by population it feels like! I dunno what it is about this desert state that attracts so many fuzzbutts, but it does. Three of my nine exes ARE here after all... so holy shit... So I feel like there is a big opportunity in Arizona to meet new peeps if I stay.
However, do I really want to stay here? In a state whose laws are complete wack? A high crime rate, suicide rate, immense heat in the summer for all that shiz? It's expensive and the job I have pays poorly. They did raise wages, but prices are bound to follow to compensate. Monetarily, I believe I can do better almost anywhere else. Except maybe the west coast, but I'm not considering the west coast so...

Secondly, I am considering returning to Wyoming. Yeah I said it. Now why the hell would I do that?
Well first off, in Casper in particular, I know where pretty much everything is at. I know that town like the back of my hand. Familiarity is key when surviving in a place by yourself, right? Well I will have that in Wyoming. That, and monetarily speaking, Wyoming would be my best bet, as it's closer than two of my other options, and the wages I made there were better than here. And the prices for living? Also lower. Kinda. But hey at least the taxes in Wyoming are the most forgiving of any state. Just a 5% federal tax and boom. No state or city tax bullshit to worry about. That's fucking nice...
But... if I returned to Wyoming... I'd kinda be back to square one when I left... With no opportunity or things to do. Sort of the opposite momentum I'd have here in Arizona. I would have no one there except people I'd previously known. No fellow furs really. And no opportunity to meet any new ones except again, for the ones already there. And there isn't so much. Because Wyoming already has so few people. Which is nice in one way, but in another, it sucks! Also the weather... While I think I can handle it, it is annoying to deal with. Big time... Still it's something to consider.

Colorado is the state that I am probably considering the least. Mostly because I am only considering it because I have friends there and Fort Collins was an awesome place to live in when I was younger. I wonder if it still is... Anyways, I'd be close to a major convention, RMFC, but still far enough away from Denver to NOT give me nightmares. I consider Fort Collins specifically. Not really anywhere else in Colorado. At all.
On the low side... we have... proximity to Denver, my most hated city on Earth at the moment. I will never be truly happy when my darkest days of my past are literally right there, no matter how nice it is to be close to RMFC... I just don't think I can handle those memories... ya know?
And I know I am gonna sound like a dickhead when I say this, but I DO NOT want to live in a state where being a pothead is legal. I want no part in that at ALL. I just don't, no fucking way. I just know that's all I am gonna find in... well any community, furry or not, when I go there, so no. J-just no. Please.

Iowa is probably the most plausible state for me to go to. It's been a decade and a half since I've been there and I remember virtually nothing about it. So why AM I considering it anyways? Well, one word.
Family. I may not have a family, but that is mostly because I don't KNOW my family. That's where Iowa comes in, because apparently, that's where most of my family IS. And that is also where my mom went when she left in September. Of course I won't be living with them, but it would be nice to at least be close to them.
Also the weather, while it's a double edged sword, could be nice. As I AM a thunderstorm-aholic. Plus I heard the gay community has a lot more slack here than Wyoming or Arizona. I dunno if that's true or not, but that could seriously help me...
Although for Iowa... I feel like it could be a lot like Wyoming and not have much opportunity for anything. And without the familiarity. Yeah, my mom and our family could help out with that, but I just don't know. It's also further away than anywhere else, meaning it'll take more time, energy. and money to reach. As a guy who's trying his damndest to save up, this is FAR from ideal at all! That is just not okay... ya know? Out of all states, this one probably has the least downsides... but still... going to Iowa could seriously put a dent in some of my goals. And as far as I have gone into them, that is just... NO!

And finally, Oklahoma. Okay... so this is a state that I was striving to get to since I started high school. And there really is only one reason why I'd want to go. For my first childhood dream job of being a meteorologist. The state university has the best program for that in the country, especially because of being in the heart of tornado alley after all. Or so that's what I believe. If I was to go back to school, this is where it would be ya know? And I think I can make it work if I get lucky enough. It's a bit of a stretch, but it would get me out of a lot of tight spaces.
Now uh... I just hope they make college more affordable because as it stands now, it's a massive risk.
Thanks to my father, I grew up poor and am still poor, so paying for college with undoubtedly be an incredibly harrowing task. In fact if it all goes wrong, it could have the opposite effect! It could be too damn risky to do any of that! I'd love to go back to school, but... the price to do so is something I will likely never be able to pay. If I had the 12 grand my dad owes my and my mom... then it wouldn't be so problematic... or at least AS problematic. I don't think college should be outright free, but it SHOULD be WAY cheaper than it is now...
It's bullshit that to get a good job, you need that college degree...
What matters is that you understand and can do it. Ya know? Pffbbt. But whatever. We'll see what they change about that nonsense...

Thankfully, I do not need to make a decision immediately, like I did back in August and September. This is something that will come into play towards the and of this year into 2018. Until then, all I can really do is continue raising money until I AM ready to make that decision. Until then, I will be thinking of each and every possible scenario. I hope you guys can also help me decide what may be the best path for me to walk. But I understand that this is my decision and mine alone. Any one of these could work or fail. We just got to believe that everything will be alright...
Take care, friends.

The worst part of breaking up with someone is NOT the break up itself...

It's the loneliness, desolation, rejection, and hopelessness that follows it that's the true tragedy in all this...

In other words... my depression is worsening again.

And here, I make a confession... Winter's Gallows... isn't something I write on a whim. It never was. Every time I feel down or depressed, I work on it.
Therefore when there were huge gaps between me working on it, I felt not like shit!
Every day I made progress in it since October 2015 was a day I was simply... unhealthy in the mind...
So is it a good thing it took me this long to make this much progress?
...Or a bad thing that I made any progress at all...?

But what happened... has left me so distraught and utterly lost, that I... just don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to write, I barely want to talk to anyone, even though I know I really, really need some consultation from friends. I feel depressed every time I browse these sites and they aren't making me feel any better.

It doesn't matter that this was the easiest split. What matters is that it was the NINTH one, after a year in a relationship. And that all that time is gone forever. If this cycle continues, I am becoming more and more convinced I'll be alone forever---
...
I'm sorry guys. I did not want to pour all that out like that... I said that it was pointless telling you all how I feel. And I still believe that.
Hence why Klaus represents my reticence...
I just wanted to let you know that

TLDR-- My mental health is getting worse every day.

From writing. For now...
Uh... right now I think I need to figure out where to go with my life throughout 2017 and even towards 2018...
Ever since I lost my boyfriend on New Years Eve, I've been thinking-- What next? What will I do in my life now?
I came down to Arizona for him and for very little other reason. And now that the chief reason is gone... I have no bearing on my life anymore. I still have goals I want to achieve, like becoming a successful writer and all, but...
Where do I go? Where SHOULD I be? They say that home is where the heart is and... my heart is with a potential lover that doesn't exist yet. So in a way, my heart's just a wanderer... It's vagrant, a vagabond. Sure I live in Arizona, but I have no home. Not anymore.
And all this shit on my mind has really kept me from doing anything remotely productive as of late... especially Winter's Gallows. I just cannot write with my mind clouded as badly as it is right now. I achieved my 125K word goal before 2017. That's what matters to me. I want to be back running on the project by my fourth(!!!) anniversary on FA, which I probably will be...
But I just need to take time and just... think... for a while... Find some new friends that could become a lover... ...Something, I dunno. I just wanted to let ya know that this is what's going on, and why I have not updated anything as of late...
Have a good start to the year. 'Cause mine is honestly worse than the entirety of 2016... personally. Anyways.