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General | Posted 4 months agoLook! Here it is! On my page and everything!
Venting to the void.
General | Posted 4 months agoI'm gonna vent here because frankly I don't want to do it to anywhere/anyone else, so of the maybe 2 or 3 people that even open this, thank you but it's just a brain dump of the shit that's been going through my head.
The past 5 years I've been on a pretty steep decline. Ive never been great anyway, mental health has always been fairly poor, but especially in the past years it's gotten worse. Since maybe mid February I've been having medical problems too that have been basically non stop. I'm at a more high point with it right now I guess, where it's not as bad, but it's still present. I've been trying to get it figured out basically since then with no luck, and I'm expecting some results next week roughly which if it comes back that they didn't find anything I'm gonna be incredibly upset.
Anyway, 5 years on the decline, and then the medical stuff since early this year pushing that decline even steeper. In terms of my life, I feel like I'm stuck in a very deep hole with no way out. I'm currently 27 years old, have never had a job, dropped out of college and been a shut in for years. The past few years have just kinda of blurred into one too. 23-26 i feel like I can't remember a thing that happened.
My social ability is not entirely awful, I can at least pretend to be a normal human still, but it is a lot of mental strain to keep it up for a prolonged amount of time. I could fake my way through an interview, sure, and if they look past that and then my 0 work experience or qualifications and somehow I end up with a job ever, I wouldn't last long at it. I have been a hermit for the past few years pretty much, only leaving our small flat for medical reasons or the very very rare outing. I would say I'm pretty agoraphobic now, the thought of having to go out for even the simplest thing has me incredibly stressed and anxious. I really appreciate the benefits system in this country. It lets me and my bf live with a small amount left over after bills because of a disability bonus, but it's still not a lot and anything in the 3 digit range is generally unfeasable. I feel guilty a lot on the few things I do buy, games or takeout or whatever, and know that it could technically be saved incase something ever does come up where we need it. Getting enough money to live off of and then a little extra being a problem is absolutely a first world problem and I recognise many many people would kill to be in this position, my problem really is that this is the best I can get short of winning the lottery I don't even play.
I've recently also been incredibly struggling with friends and social groups. Was part of a friend group around the end of last year and was going great, felt happy, but then constant drama and that all ended up fragmenting. I never really had a friend group as close before, was always sort of a 3rd wheel or back up friend so to speak, and having this group and then losing it have me a taste. Let me know what I'm missing out.
I'm currently slightly attempting to join another group, but it's more close knit and I'm only really properly friends with 1 out of like 15-20 of them. Sure, I'm friendly with a few, but wouldn't class myself as friends. I wanted to try and join this group as it's something that I feel I need in my life, and all the people in that group are all great people, I just really don't think I'm cut out for it at all. I understand that social anxiety and imposter syndrome is a part of it sure, and that maybe it's just in my head that I don't actually have a chance to fit in and because a part of this group, but on the other hand I am mostly just at the back or on my own, and when I'm not it's me forcing myself to be "involved" which makes me cringe and feel like even more of a fraud and that everyone is judging me.
All these people that know eachother, are friends, and I'm just there in the background as a guest. People are polite enough to not question it and let me be there, but I feel like unless I'm actively making myself involved, I just won't be, and if I do make myself involved, it's just making me seem desperate or cringe or whatever. I accept that I'm just not an approachable person, and I can't do small talk at all. I only really able to talk about myself or my few hobbies, not because I'm self absorbed at all, but because it's all I know.
All of this makes me just lay there a lot and contemplate why I'm even here. I contribute nothing to the world, i desperately seek a social group but am incapable of doing so due to a mix of mental instability and just being socially inept, neither of which I can ever be sure I know is the bigger block.
The one single thing I have right now that I'm happy with is my relationship to my boyfriend. He's the one thing I can say I consistently have that's going great, but that in itself is another down side.
I am not in a good place mentally, that's obvious, but neither is he. I feel like if anything I'm doing nothing but make his own mental state worse. I love him more than anything, and I know he does me too, but I can't help but wonder just how much better things would be for him if I weren't there.
To me, I've always seen suicide as, up until now at least, always being something someone does because they hate themself for whatever reason. Now though, I realise that sometimes it's just because they are done. I've been suicidal for a long time now, came close to trying a couple times, but they were always because I hated myself. This time though, I am just done. I'm tired of living, have no real way out of this hole, feel like the person I care most about in this world is suffering because I'm struggling so hard and unable to help, and nothing is going my way at all. The thought that 5 years from now I might still be in the exact same place in the exact same situation as I am now, kinda of like I was a few years ago, makes me feel sick. I have a few friends, but at the same time feel so incredibly isolated, and don't think that's something I can get out of. I can never convince myself that I am capable.
This isn't some suicide note or whatever either. I'm not planning on ending my life, even if I want to. I really couldn't do that to him. This is just a vent to nobody. I always see these links to samaratins or helplines or whatever, and incredibly appreciate their existence, but for me nothing like that is going to get me into a better place, and would just be somewhere else to vent.
Again, not expecting anyone to read all this, but if you did I guess thanks for being a part of my outlet. I'm not looking for any advice or support or anything, I'm past that stage. Being a furry has been such a huge part of my life now, in the next year or two I'll have been one for half of my life. This community has been a major part of why I even made it this long in the first place, and I appreciate all the wonderful people in it.
I guess I'm gonna update this just to add to it instead of make a new one.
It's been exactly a month since I posted this, just a coincidence. I only just got my medical results like half an hour ago. Was supposed to be after 8 weeks, but this is the 11 and a half mark, and I only know now because I phoned the hospital directly, still would have been waiting on the letter which would take a while longer. Basically though, the results came back with nothing. I'm still struggling, the past few days have seen it get worse again too, a lot of pain and throwing up, but I'm now 7 months in to this near constant set of issues with no solution. I'm getting an MRI next, although it'll be a while before that happens, so yet again I'm basically just to deal with it as usual.
Even before this though, my mental state has still been declining. 2 separate occasions since first posting this now I have almost taken my own life. Both times I stopped because of pain but also the thought of my bf finding me really upsets me too..
I guess I was wrong though in my first post of this in that I absolutely am at a point where I'm capable of doing it, would just take a little more convincing myself, and I won't lie those test results being negative might do it. I dunno though.
In terms of social stuff compared to when I posted this, I guess things are very slightly better. That group is still something I'm trying to be a part of, and I do feel at least a little more part of it now that I did last month, but am also still struggling. I left it a few weeks ago during my first real rough night where I almost ended my life, and then rejoined a week later. I'm still not actually a part of it though, just have a guest role and don't see the main parts of the server. Considering I've been around for like 6 weeks + now I'm not sure I'm actually gonna ever be a part of it though. I don't know who/why exactly I haven't been "voted in" but I guess I'm just not social enough with people.
That's kinda it though. Results that are clear (which isn't really a good thing), tried to life end a couple times, and socially a little better but not by much. I'm currently writing this in a lot of pain but there's nothing I can do about it.
Almost 4 months now, December 9th. Things are I guess better, but also worse. Those medical issues are still ongoing, albeit mild for now, but definitely there. There's no sign of a diagnosis either, and i've no more doctors appointments or anything so im in the "deal with it" part for the foreseeable future I guess. The friend group did happen, and it's been going fairly well I'd say. I'm still mega self conscious and worry they don't actually like me, but regardless of whether they do or not won't make a difference I'll still feel this way. They are all wonderful people and it does help a good bit being around them. Even the ones I haven't really interacted with much due to not really having any sort of common ground other than occasional VRC and just being in that group I think are great and I like being around them. Another problem though I have that I never thought about before was location. The majority of the group is in the US, with a couple being in Australia and maybe elsewhere im missing. It's kinda hard when everyone else has at least the means to meet eachother in person, whether it be at a con or whatever, but that's just not going to happen for me. I'll never have that sort of connection to anyone there which will always make me feel a little left out regardless. Even the ones in Australia have jobs and are functioning members of society so can make the trip, whereas I'll never have the sort of money to be able to spend on a passport, flights, a hotel etc. over there for even a weekend. New friend group, yet i still feel incredibly isolated. Something is better than nothing though, and im happy at least that im a part of it in some way.
As a whole though, although some things seem better, I'm still not in a good place. The knowledge of being in this hole i cant escape, as well as just feeling like a burden on society still takes its toll. Ive had another attempt at taking my life again yesterday, but again stopped due to pain and just being scared in general. That was really the main way i had planned too that might be tolerable, but I was way off, so there goes that. Not quite hospitalised level of attempt, but it could have been. Glad it wasn't though, not something In hindsight I'd want to have to explain. The more I think about it the more I just feel worthless. I dont have really anyone/anything I can turn to at this point, and not in a "I'm alone" way, im sure theres a bunch of people in my life that would be willing to listen to me but the way I see it is I don't have any way of actually fixing things and anyone I vent to would just end up being upset and I risk affecting our relationship. Any sort of "Professional" help too I dont see doing much. Even if, by some miracle, I can ever get out of this deep depression, im still financially in a hole, with no work experience, skills or qualifications, and the anxiety would be a whole other beast to deal with too.
I don't want to be in this same small flat 5 years from now, doing the same nothing all day, living off taxpayer money, eating too much and being sad. I dont have the drive, energy, commitment, social skills, education or willpower to do anything productive or learn something i can maybe monetize, so the only way out I see is just ending it. I can't though. I think worst of all I feel like such a let down, mainly to Marshall. I know if he didnt have me to look after and be an emotional/physical drain he'd be able to do so much more with his life, and I feel like I've not only ruined my life, but also his, and it kills me. Having dragged someone into this mess, someone i love more than anything in this world, someone who i can 10000% see having been much better off if this never happened, and them thinking that they are the problem and not me is...well i dont even know the word I'd use honestly. I've never been good at anything. through school, to then college. Im the type that just coasted by. Whether it be laziness or anxiety or whatever doesnt really matter, but I wasn never going anywhere, and then to put that burden on such an amazing person and basically ruin his life I will never forgive myself for.
On that note, im gonna stop here. I feel like an 8 year old writing in his journal before school or some shit and its making me cringe a little. im also sleep deprived, but I have an aversion to sleeping, i guess because it lets me lay there and think which generally never ends well. The more tired I am, the quicker I pass out.
The past 5 years I've been on a pretty steep decline. Ive never been great anyway, mental health has always been fairly poor, but especially in the past years it's gotten worse. Since maybe mid February I've been having medical problems too that have been basically non stop. I'm at a more high point with it right now I guess, where it's not as bad, but it's still present. I've been trying to get it figured out basically since then with no luck, and I'm expecting some results next week roughly which if it comes back that they didn't find anything I'm gonna be incredibly upset.
Anyway, 5 years on the decline, and then the medical stuff since early this year pushing that decline even steeper. In terms of my life, I feel like I'm stuck in a very deep hole with no way out. I'm currently 27 years old, have never had a job, dropped out of college and been a shut in for years. The past few years have just kinda of blurred into one too. 23-26 i feel like I can't remember a thing that happened.
My social ability is not entirely awful, I can at least pretend to be a normal human still, but it is a lot of mental strain to keep it up for a prolonged amount of time. I could fake my way through an interview, sure, and if they look past that and then my 0 work experience or qualifications and somehow I end up with a job ever, I wouldn't last long at it. I have been a hermit for the past few years pretty much, only leaving our small flat for medical reasons or the very very rare outing. I would say I'm pretty agoraphobic now, the thought of having to go out for even the simplest thing has me incredibly stressed and anxious. I really appreciate the benefits system in this country. It lets me and my bf live with a small amount left over after bills because of a disability bonus, but it's still not a lot and anything in the 3 digit range is generally unfeasable. I feel guilty a lot on the few things I do buy, games or takeout or whatever, and know that it could technically be saved incase something ever does come up where we need it. Getting enough money to live off of and then a little extra being a problem is absolutely a first world problem and I recognise many many people would kill to be in this position, my problem really is that this is the best I can get short of winning the lottery I don't even play.
I've recently also been incredibly struggling with friends and social groups. Was part of a friend group around the end of last year and was going great, felt happy, but then constant drama and that all ended up fragmenting. I never really had a friend group as close before, was always sort of a 3rd wheel or back up friend so to speak, and having this group and then losing it have me a taste. Let me know what I'm missing out.
I'm currently slightly attempting to join another group, but it's more close knit and I'm only really properly friends with 1 out of like 15-20 of them. Sure, I'm friendly with a few, but wouldn't class myself as friends. I wanted to try and join this group as it's something that I feel I need in my life, and all the people in that group are all great people, I just really don't think I'm cut out for it at all. I understand that social anxiety and imposter syndrome is a part of it sure, and that maybe it's just in my head that I don't actually have a chance to fit in and because a part of this group, but on the other hand I am mostly just at the back or on my own, and when I'm not it's me forcing myself to be "involved" which makes me cringe and feel like even more of a fraud and that everyone is judging me.
All these people that know eachother, are friends, and I'm just there in the background as a guest. People are polite enough to not question it and let me be there, but I feel like unless I'm actively making myself involved, I just won't be, and if I do make myself involved, it's just making me seem desperate or cringe or whatever. I accept that I'm just not an approachable person, and I can't do small talk at all. I only really able to talk about myself or my few hobbies, not because I'm self absorbed at all, but because it's all I know.
All of this makes me just lay there a lot and contemplate why I'm even here. I contribute nothing to the world, i desperately seek a social group but am incapable of doing so due to a mix of mental instability and just being socially inept, neither of which I can ever be sure I know is the bigger block.
The one single thing I have right now that I'm happy with is my relationship to my boyfriend. He's the one thing I can say I consistently have that's going great, but that in itself is another down side.
I am not in a good place mentally, that's obvious, but neither is he. I feel like if anything I'm doing nothing but make his own mental state worse. I love him more than anything, and I know he does me too, but I can't help but wonder just how much better things would be for him if I weren't there.
To me, I've always seen suicide as, up until now at least, always being something someone does because they hate themself for whatever reason. Now though, I realise that sometimes it's just because they are done. I've been suicidal for a long time now, came close to trying a couple times, but they were always because I hated myself. This time though, I am just done. I'm tired of living, have no real way out of this hole, feel like the person I care most about in this world is suffering because I'm struggling so hard and unable to help, and nothing is going my way at all. The thought that 5 years from now I might still be in the exact same place in the exact same situation as I am now, kinda of like I was a few years ago, makes me feel sick. I have a few friends, but at the same time feel so incredibly isolated, and don't think that's something I can get out of. I can never convince myself that I am capable.
This isn't some suicide note or whatever either. I'm not planning on ending my life, even if I want to. I really couldn't do that to him. This is just a vent to nobody. I always see these links to samaratins or helplines or whatever, and incredibly appreciate their existence, but for me nothing like that is going to get me into a better place, and would just be somewhere else to vent.
Again, not expecting anyone to read all this, but if you did I guess thanks for being a part of my outlet. I'm not looking for any advice or support or anything, I'm past that stage. Being a furry has been such a huge part of my life now, in the next year or two I'll have been one for half of my life. This community has been a major part of why I even made it this long in the first place, and I appreciate all the wonderful people in it.
I guess I'm gonna update this just to add to it instead of make a new one.
It's been exactly a month since I posted this, just a coincidence. I only just got my medical results like half an hour ago. Was supposed to be after 8 weeks, but this is the 11 and a half mark, and I only know now because I phoned the hospital directly, still would have been waiting on the letter which would take a while longer. Basically though, the results came back with nothing. I'm still struggling, the past few days have seen it get worse again too, a lot of pain and throwing up, but I'm now 7 months in to this near constant set of issues with no solution. I'm getting an MRI next, although it'll be a while before that happens, so yet again I'm basically just to deal with it as usual.
Even before this though, my mental state has still been declining. 2 separate occasions since first posting this now I have almost taken my own life. Both times I stopped because of pain but also the thought of my bf finding me really upsets me too..
I guess I was wrong though in my first post of this in that I absolutely am at a point where I'm capable of doing it, would just take a little more convincing myself, and I won't lie those test results being negative might do it. I dunno though.
In terms of social stuff compared to when I posted this, I guess things are very slightly better. That group is still something I'm trying to be a part of, and I do feel at least a little more part of it now that I did last month, but am also still struggling. I left it a few weeks ago during my first real rough night where I almost ended my life, and then rejoined a week later. I'm still not actually a part of it though, just have a guest role and don't see the main parts of the server. Considering I've been around for like 6 weeks + now I'm not sure I'm actually gonna ever be a part of it though. I don't know who/why exactly I haven't been "voted in" but I guess I'm just not social enough with people.
That's kinda it though. Results that are clear (which isn't really a good thing), tried to life end a couple times, and socially a little better but not by much. I'm currently writing this in a lot of pain but there's nothing I can do about it.
Almost 4 months now, December 9th. Things are I guess better, but also worse. Those medical issues are still ongoing, albeit mild for now, but definitely there. There's no sign of a diagnosis either, and i've no more doctors appointments or anything so im in the "deal with it" part for the foreseeable future I guess. The friend group did happen, and it's been going fairly well I'd say. I'm still mega self conscious and worry they don't actually like me, but regardless of whether they do or not won't make a difference I'll still feel this way. They are all wonderful people and it does help a good bit being around them. Even the ones I haven't really interacted with much due to not really having any sort of common ground other than occasional VRC and just being in that group I think are great and I like being around them. Another problem though I have that I never thought about before was location. The majority of the group is in the US, with a couple being in Australia and maybe elsewhere im missing. It's kinda hard when everyone else has at least the means to meet eachother in person, whether it be at a con or whatever, but that's just not going to happen for me. I'll never have that sort of connection to anyone there which will always make me feel a little left out regardless. Even the ones in Australia have jobs and are functioning members of society so can make the trip, whereas I'll never have the sort of money to be able to spend on a passport, flights, a hotel etc. over there for even a weekend. New friend group, yet i still feel incredibly isolated. Something is better than nothing though, and im happy at least that im a part of it in some way.
As a whole though, although some things seem better, I'm still not in a good place. The knowledge of being in this hole i cant escape, as well as just feeling like a burden on society still takes its toll. Ive had another attempt at taking my life again yesterday, but again stopped due to pain and just being scared in general. That was really the main way i had planned too that might be tolerable, but I was way off, so there goes that. Not quite hospitalised level of attempt, but it could have been. Glad it wasn't though, not something In hindsight I'd want to have to explain. The more I think about it the more I just feel worthless. I dont have really anyone/anything I can turn to at this point, and not in a "I'm alone" way, im sure theres a bunch of people in my life that would be willing to listen to me but the way I see it is I don't have any way of actually fixing things and anyone I vent to would just end up being upset and I risk affecting our relationship. Any sort of "Professional" help too I dont see doing much. Even if, by some miracle, I can ever get out of this deep depression, im still financially in a hole, with no work experience, skills or qualifications, and the anxiety would be a whole other beast to deal with too.
I don't want to be in this same small flat 5 years from now, doing the same nothing all day, living off taxpayer money, eating too much and being sad. I dont have the drive, energy, commitment, social skills, education or willpower to do anything productive or learn something i can maybe monetize, so the only way out I see is just ending it. I can't though. I think worst of all I feel like such a let down, mainly to Marshall. I know if he didnt have me to look after and be an emotional/physical drain he'd be able to do so much more with his life, and I feel like I've not only ruined my life, but also his, and it kills me. Having dragged someone into this mess, someone i love more than anything in this world, someone who i can 10000% see having been much better off if this never happened, and them thinking that they are the problem and not me is...well i dont even know the word I'd use honestly. I've never been good at anything. through school, to then college. Im the type that just coasted by. Whether it be laziness or anxiety or whatever doesnt really matter, but I wasn never going anywhere, and then to put that burden on such an amazing person and basically ruin his life I will never forgive myself for.
On that note, im gonna stop here. I feel like an 8 year old writing in his journal before school or some shit and its making me cringe a little. im also sleep deprived, but I have an aversion to sleeping, i guess because it lets me lay there and think which generally never ends well. The more tired I am, the quicker I pass out.
