Derek (Sonar) still needs help with monthly bills. I know it seems like they already raised a lot already but, they are still trying to get out of the hole they were in when they first started. Nobody is obligated to help, I just figured that if you can help maybe you could. I worry about my friend and if my voice is the only thing I can offer then I want to be able to give what I can to help support someone I care about.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-.....t-against-debt

He's a really great Friend and been there for people when they needed him. Been the listening ear and been the solace someone needed when they felt their world fall apart. I really hope someone from my friends list can help even if you consider this a belated present for my birthday, I'd like to make this my wish to help someone who needs it and pay it forward. Thankyou everyone <3

Should FA FAll - here is my Deviant account - https://www.deviantart.com/aikokitsune

And you can always find me on Tapestries as Aiko

Message me if you need my discord.

So much stuff has happened to me and it's still going on. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. My mate suggested I set up a Gofundme so that's what I've done. If anyone could donate that would be appreciated. Just been doing this with my mate and roommate but like one thing happened and then it snowballed into more. And at this point I don't really know what to do. I wrote everything in the Gofundme and I know its crazy me sharing something so personal but I don't know what else to do. Thankyou for anyone reading this who can help.

https://gofund.me/bae6e995

My mom passed away tragically on Friday. I still haven't taken a shower, been spending time crying on her bed and my work sent me home after I collapsed seeing strawberries and started to cry because that was one of her last desserts she had. She had been in the hospital and they took fluid out of her and then the day she was leaving she was crying in pain and they said they couldn't do anything for her and just brushed her off with tylenol, well several days later she just started to throw up and there was blood in it, we rushed her to the hospital where they did everything they could for her including putting a breathing tube down and dialysis machine. And while she was semi conscious and semi with it the night before overnight her entire blood pressure plumetted and I was faced with a hard decision to make - either resusitate with everything failing, her not clotting and them possibly breaking her chest bones and her dying peacefully with no pain. I chose the latter and I just broke down. She paid the lion share of the bills and I've been in freak out mode since everything started. I know I will receive something from her pensions but I don't know how long that will take and I know I can't stay in NJ - I will have to move probably down south. We've been looking at houses down south and I'm hoping that we'll be able to find jobs since i have 14 years experience in Deli/Seafood Departments in a the Grocery store. We're hoping that once the pension stuff comes through I can outright buy a house even if its super cheap but right now I'm going to be faced with bills until the money is freed up from the pensions. If anyone has anything to give I'd really appreciate it. I feel so lost right now and scared out of my mind.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/kwmqg-de.....cp+share-sheet

https://www.gofundme.com/kcmddhhj

In early October my mother got very sick, she ended up not being able to get up out of bed and couldn't walk barely at all. At the hospital they found out she had multiple serious issues from blood clots in the lungs, deteriorated discs in her back, ulcers, etc. She went then to a Rehab center who treated her badly all so she could walk again. When she came home hospital bills had already mounted, equipment was rented so she could exist in the living room. She couldn't breathe one night on her birthday, called the ambulance and they took her to the hospital where it was found she had major water everywhere in her body and other serious complications that we have since been trying to manage. She went to a better rehab center where they helped her to learn to walk but she's still not fully better. Then a couple of days ago on my way home from my job, Levi and I were in a car accident because a driver couldn't bother to stop at a red light and we aren't sure how much will be covered by the insurance. With bills still coming in from the hospitals, rehabs, and now this I'm not sure how we can manage to stay afloat.

As my Mother's Daughter, Amanda, I have tried really hard to help her throughout her life, the money raised here would go toward medical bills, the car, and expenses that is my only wish to keep our family afloat. Anything is appreciated and it would mean the world to us if anyone could help out. Thankyou so much for your help.

**I'm really besides myself trying here and I don't know what to do I don't like asking for anything usually I'm the one giving to everyone I know because I know what its like to be without, but now I know its out of necessity to ask now because I don't know what to do. I don't know how much more of this I can take, if anyone can donate something I would appreciate it.

Looking for a Furry Artist who can draw Mech inspired furry artwork. I was trying to find someone to commission a piece that was a mech that looked like a kitsune in specific colors and a motto put on the bottom. And possibly a second one soon after of a 'character' kind of profile of the same inspired mech. Hoping I find someone.

You know its kinda like a hurricane. Headed towards the storm went through the onslaught of the beating almost broken...found quiet in the eye...before headed back to hell. And now...we are headed back to hell and weather the rest of the storm. Just need to weather the waves, wind, rain and not let it break me down. I know my inner strength won't let me fall. Yeah I'm Emotional but my STRENGTH is in my Emotions. We all got flaws, quirks and craziness. How can I help anyone with my light without my emotions. I can't. So therefore, I won't be silent about my emotions. They make me who I am. Period.

.the fact that so many people have said my emotional state is drama. You know what I get all my inner strength from my emotions. I get all my advice from my heart that I give out. And my emotional state MAKES me who I am. So I'm damned if I do, Damned if I don't. Can't have me without emotions it won't work. I'm damn near suicidal without them I already been DOWN that path before when my dad was alive. That shit don't work for me. So its either people accept me with emotions or they can take it elsewhere"

I don't care that its a christian band but this song fits how I feel right now:

http://youtu.be/-31_MQQUjwk

Pillar "Not Without a Fight"

"My inner strength comes from my emotions...but people say my emotions cause drama...and yet the fact that when I'm silent on something some people get scared. I'm normally open about things but recently just...feel like I should shove it down. People don't want me to push away and accept support, but where's the line between that and drama?

"I care about people's feelings and worry when I've upset someone I care about. I know I've had freak out moments and there are a few people who know the true secret how to calm me down. And its a simple set of words that calm me down. "Talk to me" and actually want to listen not just say it to get me to shut up. Spent a long time in a cage and made to be quiet and its only been since October that I've been able to be open about things. Which...have resulted in a Dam breaking and a flood of emotions. When things happen to me I open up about it where I used to keep quiet and just destroy within but I haven't found like that "happy balance" and now I think me expressing my emotions are driving certain people away."

Being myself, is driving people away. Emotions are my strength and my vice. Guess..." shakes her head at the whole irony of it all, "Guess I'm screwed because shoving emotions down never worked, can't honestly help anyone when I'm not allowed to use my emotions. It is my strength. Just need to figure out a happy balance for my freakouts but that's kinda funny. I freak out about the little things, big things I'm like a crafty fox." snuggles into Stilly. "People look to me for advice, people look to me because I am intuned with my emotions, yeah I worry about people but like...that's just a part of the person I am because I care about people. If ya'll disappeared one day I'd be worried about every wuff, canine, feline, and vulpine. My light doesn't let anybody behind..." shakes her head "Guess I'm a weirdo."

~I know I said there was gonna be poetry but I wanted to share this with people I didnt write it so I don't own it but someone spoke it to me when I was down and I'm needing it now ~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I have some advice for you if you wish to hear it?

You can't change people. I don't know what makes folks think they can change somebody. You can't change nobody, that is a waste of time…sittin around tryin to change somebody. Maya Angelou said it best. She said, "If someone shows you who they are, believe them. Get up and go on with your life. It's alright to sit around and be depressed for a minute. Cry about it, do whatever you have to, but don't stay there too long. Get up and go on with your life. This is what I learned in all my years on this earth: If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let them go. Especially if you know you done everything you can do, you done sat around and been the best man or best woman you can be and they still wanna go, let em go.

Whatever they runnin after they'll see what they had in a minute but then it's gonna be too late. Cause half these people you sittin around cryin about, in two or three years, you ain't even gonna remember they're last name. Let folks go. Some people come into your life for a lifetime, some come for a season. You got to know which is which. You're gonna always mess up when you mix them seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. We got people that got married with people they only supposed to be with for a season, and they wonder why they have so much hell in their life. That was a person that was supposed to come and teach you one thing. You didn't know it so you just fell in love, and now you wonder why don't got no peace anywhere you go. I put everybody that come in my life in the category of a tree.

Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they over there. They unstable. Blows the other way, they over here. Seasons change, they wither and die, they gone. That's alright. Most people in the world are like that. They just there to take from the tree. They there to take and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at em, that's who they are. Some people are like a branch on that tree. You gotta be careful with them branches too cause they'll fool you. They'll get there and make you think they a good friend and real strong, but the minute you step out there on em, they'll break and leave you high and dry. But if you find you two or three people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of the tree, you are blessed. They're the kind of people that ain't goin nowhere.

They ain't worried about bein seen, don't nobody have to know that they know you, they ain't got to know what they doin for you. But if them roots wasn't there that tree couldn't live. You understand? When you get you some roots hold on to em. But the rest of it you let it go. Just let folks go.Ain't nobody said it was gonna be easy but it'll get easy when you learn how to love yourself. If you tell somebody that "what you doin is hurtin me and I need you to stop" and then they keep doin it, they don't care, move on, let em go. No matter how much it hurts, let em go. And it'll get easier I promise you. Every day it'll get easier and easier and easier. You just gotta make it through

(author unknown)

So since I barely Update my journal...>.> jesus the last time I did was 3 freakin' years ago before I deleted the post all together! Annnnyway....I've decided I'm gonna start posting Poetry for Journal posts and then a random journal post in between. Sounds like a good idea because at this rate I check this more than I ever check the stupid livejournal. Meh. I don't know I"m just not good at anything other than facebook and now...my mother is on there..."Oh my god send me this for Castleville send me that...hey if you do this quest.." i'm not there mom! Damn. I'm doing other stuff..."mom- Like what?" grrrr

Like I said...going to start posting poetry since that's all I'm honestly good at and hope for the best. People like it...they like it...they don't...oh well! That's something a writer once told me. "If people like my stuff kudos, if they don't oh well" believe that was Misty...anyway.

So that's what's gonna happen because I'm starting to get stir crazy since and now that I can go back to work Aug 20th since this damn knee got screwed up in April. People are like...its a 4 month vacation. Riiight!!! Couldn't really drink, because of meds that already made me go "Hey everyone lets go to Never Never Land synthetic narcotics gotta love them except after awhile I just wouldn't sleep. Go figure. Stuff that gives me the ability to sleep and I can't. Sigh Fuckers.

Never never Land where I can't remember shit and I'm paranoid 24/7 and can't sleep for DAYS at a time...oh sure...right lets take more of those because that's exactly what I want to do....stuck my ass in a machine and tell me as my leg spasms..."Don't Move!" uh huh sure lady sorry...didn't mean to mess up the MRI on ya, now where the heck is my music. Breaking Benjamin I loves you.

Maybe I oughta back up a bit. I got hurt in a dog park. >.> Go ahead laugh now
...done yet?
-waits patiently while reader is still laughing-

Alright...I got hurt in a dog park ran over by two shepards going full speed ahead playing running tug-o-war clipped the back of my knee and i twisted so I wouldnt fall on said dogs and still fell on said dogs ANYWAY! And when I stepped down I felt something pop...and then pain. Started walking and my knee gave out, got back up...walk walk knee gave out, finally it gave out the last moment and my friend that was with me was like we need to get her to the hospital...so my friend with a couple of offduiy EMTs on the walk with their wives helped me into a car and drove me to the hospital. And while there they fit me for a brace...check an X-ray and put me in horrible positions as I attempt to figure out how the hell I'm gonna...go pee for this cup.

Lady...I can't even walk without fallin' and you want me to pee in a cup?!

You never know how much your legs mean to you until one of them keeps bowing inward and you can't walk on it. Don't take your knees for granted -nods at sage advice-

So guess what they rolled me out with? A WALKER! like I didnt' already feel freakin' old! whee! I could be called the Hobbler! (alright my bad...bad pun couldn't help it)

Anyway I stayed with my friend for a few days she felt bad and wanted to help me since the place she had me stay in was all one floor no stairs until I figured out how to move in stairs with the straight line leg brace.

I tried to call my mother...apparently she had her phone turned off and I tried to call her school and no secretary! You know how I got ahold of her? A facebook post! to which I got a sobbing mom on the phone about 15 mins after I posted it. OMG are you ok?! WHERE ARE YOU?! COME HOME! And I'm like mom seriously I'm gonna stay with Dbbbie a few days and then I'll be home alright?

I heard a growl on the phone and she accepted it. Um wait...could have sworn I was 28 years old? Maybe yes no?

After I got home it was doctor visits, one MRI see above, and then physical therapy...

Its...NOT....therapy...

Its like Hotel California once you check in you can NEVER leave!

But I had a physical therapist eye candy so...I guess it all evened out She was dark haired and gifted! That's enough for me! And part Russian. *swoon*

Backs up a bit. Also by this time I had filed for temporary disability with my state for my injury through my work. So that's lovely. I got paid by the beginning of June and back paid that was nice too. Still on it right now but only until the 20th of August and then I can start going back to work -nods firmly-

Ok back to my rant...er story

Anyway...I had a round 1 of therapy went back to the doctor "Your patella is shaking we need to send you back for more work hardening and myencollel taping (or however you spell it) and so we can train your muscles to hold the patella in place so that it doesn't shake back and forth but normally retract. That's comforting...

The only gripe I had during P.T. - Physical therapy torture camp is that...

There was this one girl Brielle who kept at me all the time "Walk straight" Um lady...I have a natural out-rotation of my hips I ALWAYS walk duck footed its a genetic trait and something I've had since birth there's no way...then she'd interrupt me "I don't care" finally I came in and did excercises one day and she said something and I turned around "My doctor said to tell you that if you force me to walk straight and do excrcises straight going against the grooves my bones have already made in my life and hurt my good knee, my hips, my lower back, and my neck when it gets there then my doctor has no problem suing you for damages"

She stopped bothering me....Gotta love my italian doctor he doesn't like it when someone messes with one of his patients...dey be part of da family *mobster style*

So I finally finished PT last week and now I go back to work on the 20th. Doc wants me to walk around and do communty walking so I get a feel for walking again and still do my exercises at home to keep strengthening my legs. Been going stir crazy with PT 3x a week most of the summer and now I can have my 2 weeks of what I'm going to consider vacation. Ah vacation...its called picking peaches tomorrow and making jam time. I already made sour cherry jam. And we still need to make Peach Jam, Blackberry Jam, Strawberry and Strawberry Pineapple

Its all gonna be yummy that's for sure. And then I go back to work. No more Jammies...all sorts of screaming...but its progressive that means don't destroy me i the first week. *sweatdrops* So that's about all that's happened and LOOK i wrote a novel...hopefully it was kinda funny...with my sarcastic humor.

YES VERY IMPORTANT! >.>......<.<

I have sarcastic humor and I don't unleash it enough and guess what
I'm going to for stress relief and use all the Damn language I wanna...
Because I'm cute and fluffy...lol

And I think I'm done typing now...there will be a poem soon. ^__^

Idle Thinking

Silence…Solitude
Breaks through the skin
Like beads of sweat
Thoughts so deep
You drown within them
Even if you do get to the surface
You find ice, you’re trapped within
And nothing but a solution or an absolution
Will get you out.

Memories flutter through your mind’s eye
As you’re drowning in that ocean
Of thoughts and silent tormentors
All the things you could have done different
All the things you could have said better
All the things you wish you could have said, done
Form a bitter lump in your throat
That you try to swallow down, but the more you try
The harder the pain like swallowing needles horizontal
Tearing at your muscle tissue; until you bleed; can’t speak
Become mute to the demons
That haunt you; overcome you; try to destroy you
From the inside out
Until you go crazy and begin to cry or tear at yourself
To make the voices of past devil advocates stop hissing in your ear
Soaking up in your mind; until you believe what they say
Their lies; as truth; until you see yourself as a monster
And fall deeper into the darkness…of your thoughts.

Sometimes the devil advocate is you; but not the person that you know
Its something sinister; evil
It’s a demon within you; that tries to show you that you’re the reason
That everything that is bad happening in your life is because you’re alive
Because you’re here and its your fault
But its not; still lost in this solitude; desolation
You believe the lies to breathe the air at the surface
But the air is empty and only carbon monoxide killing you quicker
Choking on your own lies that you tell yourself to point the blame
But there is no blame; it is just life; and at the time you did the only thing you knew how

Silence…Solitude
Like mute soldiers pounding their boots in the mud as your gears turn
On memories that you thought you had forgotten for the purpose you never
Wanted them to cross your path again
Pain sears inside you; when you realize you never did cry for these memories
Never gave them the justice of your tears
And never forgave yourself for the things you couldn’t control
For the things that hurt you deeply
So you tried to forget by pushing them down
But they’re still there; not forgotten
Brought to light in this moment in your isolation.
Its time to forgive; its time to cry; its time to move on

Silence…Solitude
Instant craving for what you want most
For what you yearn for
Love? Or the notion possibility of love.
Distance from someone you really care about
But feel they don’t think about you; as much as you do them.
Wishing to be in their minds to get closer to their thoughts
Silent wishes spoken in your heart; but never seemed to be answered
In the light of day
Only in your dreams; waking or asleep do these wishes come true
Screaming within; trying to wait; though the days seem longer
Seem like a lifetime; but still you strive; dedicate, and test yourself
Is your will stronger? Is your loyalty unbreakable? Are they worth it?

So many questions enter your mind; so many thoughts
So many things you wish you could have done; unfulfilled promises; realities
So many things that your darker heart hurts you for
And in the end some things are resolved; some things are revisited
And sometimes you fall in the rut of your advocates' lies because you can’t make them
Quell their raspy voices; until you’re screaming at them; to the outside world but trying
To get through on the inside; I AM NOT! I AM ME! SO SHUT UP! YOU’RE WRONG!

Getting up to busy yourself; realizing too many hours were spent in this silent solitude
You’ve wasted the day;
Or someone you cared for has missed your presence
A silent curse upon yourself for the day lost
Time you cannot get back; ruined on the darkness
But you know, there will be another time; another place
Where you will visit the darkness again; and waste.

By: Amanda Fiori

Elemental Water

Crystal waters
Rippling waves
Liquefied beauty
Bathing in the moonlight

Forming from the deepest oceans
From the violent tempered seas
To the quiet serenities of the babbling brook

From cascading rain drops
To beating hail
And arctic ice storms
To the peaceful rivers and lakes

Forming from the essence of life
The very building block humans are formed upon
I am called Water

by: Amanda Fiori