https://www.furaffinity.net/view/62971144/
an update and some new art wow!

tdlr i got some new meds and i’m trying to draw stuff again
still debating on whether i want to ditch this account and name but for now i’ll stick around
thank you for the positive energy it made me cry goodbye forever

long story short things just keep getting worse and have gotten so miserable i just can't do this anymore
so i'm throwing in the towel pretty soon
what does that entail? i'm not sure yet myself but i've been wanting to shut all of my socials down for awhile
my overall health has deteriorated so much that commissions are the only way i can support myself but i can't even do that much reliably
i've become so unreliable when it comes to art that i can't even draw my own comfort characters anymore
for some reason i had some hope that i'd be able to stick it out long enough for me to get it together but after having my will broken too many times i just don't see the point in pretending that i'm going to recover anytime soon

maybe i'll make another journal explaining some stuff or maybe i'll just disappear entirely
i'm at the point where i just don't want to give a damn anymore
i'm tired of letting people down i'm tired of being so dysfunctional i'm just so fucking tired of it all

regardless of what happens next just know that i'll be forever grateful to this community for supporting me all those years ago and up til now
i wish i could just be normal and draw so many things for my friends, for people i admire, for anyone who's been nice to me really i loved making people happy with art i wish i could've repaid the favour
but nah it's pretty obvious that i'm simply not capable of being the kind of artist i need or want to be

thank you and goodbye for now

i need to make this quick since i leave in less than in an hour for work and i haven’t eaten yet aughh

hi hello i am relaunching my patreon though it’s now mostly just a monthly tip jar sort of deal with the option to join a discord server (yeah i know) to view my wips and finished art early
it will NOT be a social server but that will likely change in the future maybe

good news: i finally got a new tablet and stylus after using the same ones for 7 years i think
was long overdue for an upgrade but i just had to make do
really enjoying the new tablet it’s been helpful in fighting my art block and i may be dabbling in simple animation stuff sometime

bad new: unfortunately i am very close to quitting my job over some ongoing health problems
yesterday i asked my boss for less hours but that wont go into effect until three weeks from now
but yesterday was also the most painful and difficult day for me in a long time so i don’t even know if I’ll make it then
it sucks because i only work 4 hours at a time but even that is just too much my body to handle at this point of my life
if you’re not aware i’ve been struggling with Marfan syndrome for the better part of my life and it’s only getting more difficult as i get older but ah well
i’ve also been struggling with sleep again and it’s been making things so much more difficult to manage
for awhile now it feels like my brain has been in a fog and i can’t focus on doing what i need to do like responding to messages or working on a commission
i also still have to pay off that stupid medical bill blaugh and i’m still working on a few remaining refunds and commissions

i am feeling very overwhelmed but i will say the medication i’m on has been helping me to stay mostly sane and for that i am grateful
unfortunately i am due to run out in a month and there’s no guarantee that i can get a refill without it being too expensive but we’ll see
despite everything i choose to be optimistic for now because i love my friends and i am very thankful for all the support y’all keep giving me

i really need to eat something and get ready for work
i would also really appreciate if the sky would stop pouring rain on me while i bike to and from work thanks
i think i had more to say but oh well cheers

OOPS here’s the link for the patreon if you’re interested
https://patreon.com/aimbot_jones?ut.....ntent=copyLink

i am so tired i am so tired i am so tired i am so tired i am so fucking tired

i am fairly certain that it’s a side effect from the medication but this kind of lethargy feels way more crippling than it normally does
even when i take a nap i still feel drained
don’t even get me started on the aches and pains
normally i just take an extra strength painkiller for that but ever since i started my meds i’ve had to stop taking painkillers
i think the combination of the increased pain and the lethargy for the past two weeks is what’s causing me to feel so bleugh lately i feel like i’m falling apart and there’s nothing i can do about it
i constantly feel drained i haven’t had the energy to draw or chat with people i don’t even feel like playing games anymore
i’ve just been keeping to myself and reading books and watching video essays
i feel okay mentally though i definitely felt a lot better when i actually had the energy to draw and get stuff done
doesn’t help that i’ve been working more often
today was supposed to be my day off but i’m heading to work in about an hour
sorry for rambling i’m just frustrated with myself for being quiet again
i want to draw and i want to talk to people i just have even less energy than i usually do
it’s super disheartening and i’m really hoping that this doesn’t last for too long
i’m tired of having to struggle with every single aspect of my life
i really miss my kiddo i’ve been thinking about him a lot and it feels awful not knowing when i’ll be able to see him again
i hate having to deal with more medical issues with every passing year and not being able to do anything about them
especially now that i have a huge medical bill hovering over my head just from two fucking visits to the doctor
blaugh that’s enough venting okayyy byeee

oh right one last thing
very happy to say that i got a lot of refunds out of the way and a commission done recently
i will probably have to wait until next month before i send out any more refunds because i recently decided that i was in sore need of some new clothes and other necessities
still have two comms that i would like to finish before i take any more
also thinking about re-opening my patreon but just making it a monthly tip jar kind of thing but even that feels scummy after taking so long to fix my screw ups

despite everything i still want to believe that i can get things done and live better
i just can’t help but worry that i’m going to fall apart before that happens

blahhh i got some good news and some bad news

good news:
i am so very very close to finally catching up on refunds
spent most of yesterday working stuff out and messaging people
very anxiety inducing but it needed to be done and i feel so much more relieved as a result
still have a few people to refund and some twitter commissions that i need to finish/work on (i also gotta dm those people bleughh i’ll do it today sorry for the delay)
but yes i can finally breathe a little easier
i just regret that it took me so long to take care of these issues and i am so grateful that many of you were so patient with me i can’t tell you how much it i appreciate that

bad news:
i’ve mentioned before how i recently saw a doctor and got prescribed some antidepressants
that medication has changed my life and despite my other struggles it’s helped me so much in managing them
unfortunately i got hit with a huge bill two days before i was supposed to go to another appointment and honestly it fuckin shook me to my core
if it wasn’t for the medication i honestly probably would’ve snapped in half
not gonna say how much it was but wow it was incredibly disheartening especially after just having made so much progress on those refunds
ah well i’m gonna try my best to dispute the charges and try to figure out some other ways to mitigate the damage
i’ve gotten a lot of advice on what to do from lots of people and i’m hoping that it works out somehow

don’t have much else to report
still chugging along with work and i’ve been drawing more ah thats been nice
still dealing with some health stuff and anxiety but it’s more manageable
still struggling to talk to people but i’m working on it albeit slowly
i started walking again and i’m sleeping better thankfully
despite everything i feel content
thank you

i’ve been so exhausted lately more than ever it feels like but that’s okay
my anxiety levels have gone down a lot
it genuinely feels so bizarre not being horribly anxious all the time
i’ve been smiling more often and i feel more capable of dealing with bad thoughts
though i will say i’m still feeling very anxious about dming people
which sucks because i need to respond to a lot of messages blaugh
i will try to say hello soon
the side effects from the meds are still there but not as severe as before
also i’ve been drawing here and there again
hoping that i can shake the rust off and get back into it soon

i’ve been putting off writing this journal for awhile
meant to do it sooner but to be honest it was too painful for me focus on
i’ve been in a lot of physical and mental pain lately but i really do need to get this off my chest so i can hopefully move on and focus on my goals
also this will be the last time i make a journal like this as i only ever did these because several people asked me to keep them updated and i tend to bottle things up/go silent for weeks
but frankly i don’t like being publicly miserable and i don’t want to be remembered as a miserable broken person
despite everything i am proud with how far i’ve gotten along with my art journey and i hope to improve even more in the coming years
and i will feel forever blessed by the generosity and kindness from all the people who’ve ever cheered me on and supported me thus far

long story short i’m finally taking medication for my mental illness and i’m feeling a little more confident in myself
i want to push myself even harder so i can focus on removing stress from my life becoming a happier person
also i will be refunding people again very soon (awhile back i let myself fall apart from stress again and i wasn’t making enough to refund people consistently)
it’s going to be a slow process but i will feel so much less overwhelmed after i’m all caught up

rambling starts now be warned cw depression, health issues, suicide mention
i’ll start with the bad stuff:
the last time i saw my kiddo was during some FaceTime on his birthday (Dec 7)
i was dealing with some horrible vitamin poisoning (very dumb mistake) that day and i was absolutely miserable but i was very happy to see him and he was very happy to see me
i also talked to her about moving in with my mom (she loves close to my ex) just so i could consistently see my kid and help support them better but that went nowhere
ever since then I’ve made attempts to schedule FaceTime and/or visits only to be met with late responses and eventually complete silence from my ex
for months the mental stress of not being able to see my own kid has weighed heavily on my mind
and this is after years of being constantly stressed out and anxious
to put it mildly i’ve been at my limit for what feels like forever
a part of me felt like i deserved the silence because of my choices but i still pushed on despite all the overwhelming stress
the least i could do was keep my job and send my ex money to support my son even though i thought about ending my life every single day
well about three weeks ago i finally broke down and demanded to know why my texts were being ignored
i told her that it felt like she was ignoring my texts out of spite and i explained to my ex how awful the stress from not seeing my kid has been for my mental health and how i would at the very least would appreciate some recent pictures
i also told her how despite everything i was able to see a doctor and making efforts to get on medication
well she responded and her message basically broke me in half for the next few days
she told me that it seemed like i was trying to make myself the victim (that really pissed me off) and she explained that the reason why she was not letting me see my son is because i was inconsistent with my FaceTime calls in the past and it was vey stressful for our kid
AND she basically implied that i would have to talk to a judge if i ever wanted to see my kid again

for the second time in my life it felt a chunk of my soul had been ripped off and thrown away
first off why the fuck would playing the victim benefit me in any way
i’ve always been transparent about my intentions and i’ve never tried to place the blame on anyone other than myself
as for my inconsistency i did understand her reasoning for not wanting me to stress our kid out but that was in the past when i was unable to control my mental instability
so i explained the fact that i’ve kept my job, kept sending her money, made many attempts for visits/facetimes, kept my chin up and continued to keep my cool with her despite her silence for MONTHS should be more than enough evidence that i still care about my son more than anything
i explained that instead of this back and forth finger pointing and silent treatment bullshit we need to make the effort to communicate for the sake of our kid
because in what way does me not being in his life benefit him at all
i then asked for a confirmation on whether or not she will continue to keep me from seeing my kid
after that for the next few days i was waiting for an answer and i was basically 100 percent ready to kill myself if she had replied and told me no
it genuinely felt like i was falling apart and i was only able to keep it together because of a very special person

on the third day after no response the amount of stress was too much to bear and it literally felt like a switch was flipped in my brain
all of a sudden it felt like i had too choices: kill myself that day or stop being miserable
obviously i chose the latter so I’ll ramble about that next

so here’s the good news kinda:
after those very particularly stressful days i decided that i don’t want to be miserable anymore
for years i’ve been absolutely miserable, horribly overwhelmed, incredibly exhausted and that’s a huge understatement
13 years ago i was diagnosed with marfans syndrome and it’s very likely that my lifespan will be shorter than most because of my condition so why the hell should i be miserable for the rest of my short life
i deserve to be happy and what makes me truly happy is making others happy (be it with art or personal relationships)
i also need to work on fixing all of the stress-inducing things from my life (health problems, owed art, forgotten goals, etc)
so i’ll be focusing on that from now on with a smile on my face and if i burn out before i can do everything i set out to do than so be it

some other good stuff:
for awhile now I’ve been working on fixing my sleep schedule and i started walking again
i stopped drinking caffeine and i started eating a little better (goodbye bacon i need to say goodbye to snacks soon)
i’m on day 11 of taking anti depressants and i will admit that the dizziness and nausea put a huge damper on my motivation for a bit but the nausea is finally gone and the dizziness is starting to go mostly away

to be honest the past week has been kinda rough too
the side effects from the medication caused me to miss some work but i’ve also been working a lot more than usual so that’s been hard on my body
because of my condition i’m a lot more susceptible to full body aches and pains and it takes me longer to recover from them
my lungs have also been giving me a lot of trouble (mild pneumothorax thankfully it’s not severe otherwise i would’ve had to go to the hospital dozens of times by now)
the biggest issue for me at the moment is my inability to work on art
for awhile now i’ve felt incredibly inept and even just thinking about or attempting to do art is very mentally stressful and painful for me
honestly i think it’s because of all the accumulated stress from the guilt of owing lots of art but again that is something that i’m going to focus on very soon now that i’m making a little bit more money now
despite everything i am very determined to make art something i can enjoy again and i will absolutely see my kiddo again i will give him the biggest hug and i will cry

blah there was some other stuff i needed to say but i really need to get ready for work
if you have any questions about refunds please dm me
otherwise i’ll get to you when i can
sorry for being quiet i’m still trying to work on that
was feeling pretty low for the past week but i feel much today thank you

i had a good time in arizona
it was extremely hot and that really sucked but i got to eat good food and play lots of pokemon go
i didn't get any work done but i did get to colour some old sketches that i'll post soon
hoping that those were enough to stop my art block

not much else to report
i'm moving to missouri in a month
i've already applied to some jobs in the area and i'm looking forward to walking the giant park next the place over and over again
really hoping things work out because i cannot take any more L's i have been at my limit for ages

COMMISSIONs are still closed
i will be working on some more adoptables with my roommate soon  Blazecloud go follow her she's amazing
i still owe a lot of art and i'm determined to make a dent in that list before i leave for missouri
apologies for being quiet i'm trying to focus on getting these done one at a time instead of the blanket approach
i need to get every single one of these done before i can work on the several hundred personal projects that have been floating around my head for eons
thank you i am weary and overwhelmed but still optimistic

for once i've been feeling pretty good about art stuff lately
got some commissions done last week and an adoptable though i did need to take a break to draw some DJ Newton and that took me too long
to be honest i'm still feeling way too slow and it takes me awhile to get in the zone while drawing
insomnia has been kicking my ass again that's probably why
i've also been very sore from all the walking i've been doing because of pokemon go
it's helped me regain a lot of my strength so i haven't needed to use my cane lately
but the soreness is kinda overwhelming me
i'm very self conscious of the giant circles under my eyes
i am not able to sleep when i need/want to and then i fall asleep when i don't want to
i'm coming back to commissions today
i'll be visiting arizona next week
and then i'll be moving to missouri next month
i'm gonna shoot for a job asap and i'm hoping the very short distance will make it bearable
as of now i feel overwhelmed and worn out i feel anxious and stressed out i miss my little one and i am miserable without him
but maybe things will work out this time and i'll finally get my shit together
maybe i'll be able to afford a doctor and they can fix everything that's wrong with me oh that's rich