Unfortunately in still alive, I don't post here journals very often but feel like venting life a bit, just came in from cutting up the last bit of a load of logs since I've been laid off from my job and waiting for my summer job to start so been working my ass of around the house my back, knees, and shoulders are killing me after cutting and splitting a bunch of firewood, been trying to clear the property a bit more, piling and burning a bunch of sod and tree stumps so i can start planting, took a literal truckload of black plastic bags my ex wife and former father in law left here full of sawdust and compost when they were trying to build a huge compost pile for the farm, unfortunately a bunch are still frozen to the ground. cut a bunch of trees and brush that had died in my woods I was hoping to get it done before the bees and hornets start to nest. transplanted a crabapple to a better location and have been trying to get an area ready for a some fur meets. hoping to get the greenhouses set up and the small area for planting, been trying to get started with the farm been neglecting my forge practice. its been a slow time but slowly trying to get the homestead up and running. job wise the government spent to much money elseward so i was laid off for the summer and have been fighting Alaska unemployment for the few weeks I'll be off until my summer job takes over luckily my old job i had done when i was off for my mandatory month off wants me back pretty bad, and I'm waiting to get transferred to a different shop with better hours/ pay/ job in general but in the federal government you have to go through some guy in the lower 48 to determine if your resume meets qualification and it take the damn guy about 4 weeks each time and this has been the second time trying to get transferred even though my collage training is exactly this it doesn't have enough keyword crap to get through. the supervisor wants to get together to try and tweak my resume to get through this red tape bullshit and ill have a year round job with basically almost perfect job. on top of this my ex is seeing someone so the only fuck-toy relief is gone and my dating has been a shitshow, so bad that between the ghosting and ignoring the lady i thought i was dating ended up setting me up with someone its just a clusterfuck.

first of all I'll get this off my mind I just seen an artist posting a shirt for sale, and I remember when the whole though/idea/slogan started it was a "Tread were you want" shirt it always bothered me the original "don't tread on me" to me always conveyed, the leave me alone/ don't subjugate me/ don't try and force me down/ let me be free, the new one that is going around sounds quite... fascist, to walk over other, your better than others stomp them down who cares about others your better and you should keep them down if you want. it always bothered me. I'm kinda an outsider anyways, hell I doubt anyone reads these but I feel like its worth saying even though it will probably be the only journal to get commented on and I'll be called every derogatory thing known to man because I don't agree with this "fad" for lack of a better word, oh well I believe it needs called out even if I'm alone you can't promote subjugating ideas, forcing others to submit to your belief and then say you promote freedom, you are not you are promoting fascism/ hate/ violence no matter how many times you hold your ears and scream "no,no,no" you are you are using the playbook of the oppressor. I try and live with one thing in mind, step back in my mind and think to myself is what I support forcing others to comply against there will? Am I trying to force others to pay for my idea? If the other side of my argument was the victor/ oppressor and I was forced to submit/pay for their idea, an opposing idea mind you, how mad would I be? but what do I know I just want to be left alone and live my life do what I want and reap the benefits of my work.

I guess the question is what is trying to be conveyed by "Treading were you want"?

Well the ex got her stuff moved from the house Monday we look into getting the car in her name and it will all be done, been busy as hell, got a deck of the back of the house, I got a small section of my field just about ready to start planting peonies, ended up with space for about 329 plants and need to wait until it stops raining for a while to attempt to rototill. I also have a place i'm thinking of doing a couple sweet cherry trees, honey berry, and strawberry with a small area for raspberry, rhubarb and horseradish. been selling a bunch of stuff from the property and may have acquired a large pile of project firearms and antique rifles to keep me occupied in the winter, almost done with my forging "hobo shed" and once the clay liner dries on my forge it should be ready to fire this weekend and try it out. ended up with a treadle sewing machine from my neibour on extended loan since he was excited i wanted to actually use it, hoping to make some mukluks and a fur-suit this winter so i have new belts and the maintenance equipment for it on the way. I still have so much to do before the winter hits, luckily I took a week off in September

well summer is here in Alaska and my yard had dried up from the spring thaw, gotten a lot done, sold my dozer and one of my truck projects planted a ton of potatoes, getting close to having my forge up and running and just got in from building my "hobo shack" to forge in built from all found items, hopefully this week I'l,l have the roof slid up on top and start lining the pallets with the tin siding and hopefully taking one of my "dates" for a ride Friday after work

tomorrow is a third date with a lady were I'm smoking a duck and explaining some more in depth kinky furry stuff to a lady I met online over whisky, (her idea) I'm a bit excited and nerviness, its been a good 8 years since I've been on a date never less a sexual date and I've been excited and freaking out a bit

Damn mating season, it wouldn't be terrible if I was a regular furry but being therian it took years to figure out I always had an issue in the spring and fall, a few people have said I'm in rut, I've been irritable, short tempered, want to fight every male I see and violently mate any female I see, I've been talking with a few people on dating sites, not sure if I can stop myself from drawing blood when and if I get someone, not sure the best way to bring up I may need to wear a ball gag for the first go around without freaking her out. I want and need the scent of a female, my ex never understood it even after 8 years. had a damn conversation with a lady today, discovered she was not only married but married to a family that are family friends, I could have had the violent release but couldn't do it, cried it hurt so much to not pursue the liasan fucking killing me I want to sink my teeth into tender flesh as they cry out. I'm so damn horny and frustrated

Got an email today with the official divorce paperwork on it, so thats done. Got a second date with a girl tomorrow night and have been texting with another who had to leave our second date last night early but has been talking about coming out and drinking one day and asking the hard questions about the weird furry stuff I'm into so hopefully thats a good sign

Got an email today with the official divorce paperwork on it, so thats done. Got a second date with a girl tomorrow night and have been texting with another who had to leave our second date last night early but has been talking about coming out and drinking one day and asking the hard questions about the weird furry stuff I'm into so hopefully thats a good sign

Well freaking out a bit, My divorce hearing is tomorrow morning and just got a date for tomorrow after work, my anxiety is making me tweek out a bit. Its a over the phone teleconference, I hate telephones and I haven't been on a date in 8 years

That was the shortest relationship I ever had, made a date, she found out I was a furry, dumped me. I had dates where I waited at the restaurant to end up being stood up that lasted longer

That was the shortest relationship I ever had, made a date, she found out I was a furry, dumped me. I had dates where I waited at the restaurant to end up being stood up that lasted longer

That was the shortest relationship I ever had, made a date, she found out I was a furry, dumped me. I had dates where I waited at the restaurant to end up being stood up that lasted longer

Little late but now Im a  greymuzzles

Well my crazy doc said health insurance will almost guarantee to not pay to do dyslexia testing because of my age because there really isn't anything that can be done anyways since it would just be informative and the only person that could do the testing is an 8 hour drive and about $1500 to just put a name to my habits since I already developed coping mechanisms, good or bad. she kept asking you were never tested as a kid? that came back to any issue I had my mom told me your lazy/ not paying attention/ need to focus ect. but after chatting and a quick look in the big book of crazys she said she figured I was so yay closureish.

unfortunately the hail Mary meds she put me on for the bipolar seem to work but have slashed my sex drive and worse of all seems to give me ED so I got some Viagra only 6 a month but not married anymore so not getting any regularly anyways but trying one out to see if it will work and I am far from impressed, quite disappointing, mostly dizzy and erratic erection so far.

Day three this week and didn't bite any coworkers, so not sure if thats good or bad yet so theres that

Well had a panic attach at work today, was freaking out because there was three people in the room working, which in its own usually isn't a terrible thing but they kept being there I ended up with my social anxiety or as I like to refer to it as my peoplaphobia forcing me into the corner trying to work with my back to a wall and breathing heavily and twitching anytime anyone came near me. I'm usually not a jumpy person but a coworker touched my shoulder and I jumped out of my skin freaking him out. may have growled at a couple of them as I vibrated, but luckily I got an email saying my court date for my divorce is April 15th so hopefully it goes smoothly and I'll be done with that shit. so now I'm sitting here naked with a glass of mead to reward myself for not biting anyone

Well finally got the divorce paperwork submitted to the Alaska court system today clerk said it will be 40-60 days before we get a teleconference call with the judge for the divorce and barring any issues after that we should get the official paper a week later in the mail. on the way home I went to the store to get a jug of laundry detergent, which what the hell what happened when did there come out with so many different types and do they actually matter I haven't bought any in years since my soon to be ex had her brand and place to buy. We did reach a new evolution as she passed by me in the detergent isle afterwards without a word or acknolignment. I wonder if it wasn't destined to burn in a hellfire since an hour before being due she texted me asking where I was born (almost 8 years of marrage) and saying she was working on the 2 pages she needed to do from last friday, almost a week of having the paperwork

got the washer and dryer hooked up and did a cleaning run on them, unfortunately the dryer cord is to short and got a new one on the way and discovered my soon to be ex took all the laundry detergent, so washer, dryer, shower and a bathroom sink with both hot and cold water that is softened, I think next I'll work on finishing the bathroom counter-tops and trim and hopefully get the bathroom cabinets trimmed to the right height. I also need to run a few electrical outlets in the basement so I can but the sheeting up on the wall and finish bringing tools downstairs and setting up a work space while waiting for a few paychecks so I can save up for a few kitchen cabinets so I can install the kitchen sink and a dishwasher

Damn I'm so frigging board I want to bite a cute girl, my ex hated when I got all nippy but damn it I need to feel soft feminine flesh under my teeth while yipping and growling.

Well good news i got the hot water heater wired in the house, the water softener is plumbed along with the shower and the washer setup so now i can take a hot shower in my house and wash my hands with soap that lathers, unfortunately alaska state court system didnt accept my soon to be ex wifes paperwork because she looked at the tax info and said we cant accept it it needs to be single sides copied and they dont have a copier becauser ?covid? Got home almost an hour away and went to copy them on my printer and the damn things are single sides, so have to wait anouther week for the appointment to sign the paperwork to get the judge to sign our divorce

Got sick as shit Friday and tore my back and knee up at work and today finally dropped my dog off at the re-homing shelter, a variety of reasons I couldn't keep him, but I had to leave quickly and broke down in the truck worse than when my marriage fell through. I need some time to myself but everyone volunteered to work on my house on my days off, i've been trying to tell them nicely I can do it myself, but they wont listen to me I need time away from people but they keep pushing themselves on me and its destroying my health and they will not listen.

Well I'm sure no one reads these so I'm just talking to myself but the doctor got back to me on the blood test for my swollen lungs she wants another x-ray for shits and giggles but she is calling it COPD from my asthma and working in varies mining/mechanic jobs in dust and chemical filled environments

Well there will be language that some may be uncomfortable with so you've been warned but I have to vent somewhere and no one reads these so figured why the hell not :

this week/weekend has been a terrible shit-show my commute to work is about 45 minuets to an hour each way and after the terrible rain and snow storm a few weeks ago the road has been shit which has been screwing my back up as I drive to work after a 9 week downtime for a knee surgery, got a phone call from my doctors office that they forgot to contact me from a test they did months ago and I've been busy so I forgot about it but basically my lungs are swollen and need a blood test to start with, but it explains my breathing problems. got home Friday night found my heater ran out of fuel at -40 deg and after adding fuel discovered something else was wrong with it, disassembled the fuel filter found it pretty clogged so cleaned it and the heater started, Saturday woke up to it being dead again had to tear the heater apart and do a service on it while my back has been screaming, I them discovered blood in my semen, I'm really hoping it was from slamming up and down on the road to work, today I have been feeling like shit and have been trying to do laundry and haul in firewood and fuel but can't breath worth a shit so its been most of the day fighting it, I'm hoping to get enough wood in to last the night and while I'm gone to work until I can grab a new filter after work in town. and I've been putting it off but I need to go into the doctor to have a odd mole looked at especially after my father had to go through treatment for melanoma, luckily my crazy pills are helping although some nasty side effects, explosive diarrhea and a limp dick. I'm just damn done, my soon to be ex was spouse to be out today to do the divorce paperwork but she's been sick also

had a knee surgery and during recovery, to basically sum it all up, my wife is leaving me, so as much as I hate these journals I've been drinking heavily and waiting to get back to work and trying not to stress buy useless shit while trying to do something usfull around the house while I recover. really not looking forward to dating again, especial since there is very few other furries where I live and really don't want to go through explaining my interest to another person. not looking forward to the splitting of 7 years of household shit, I just don't give a shit at this point. at the point I'm deciding on cabinets and such for the house and keep thinking well the wife wouldn't like... then realize it doesn't fucking matter anymore it may be a small thing but after years of not really having an opinion or at least pushing it aside to give my wife what she preferred. admittedly I have been fighting bipolar shit for years and have been fighting it hard this last year and I realize it has been difficult on her and when we finally talked about it I have been trying to fight it to be better for her and she said she couldn't get over it. so now I'm here drinking like a damn fish watching damn dvds over and over as I lay her waiting for my knee to be better so I can go back to work and get my damn mind off it and try and move on from loving someone for years to them being gone. I'm ready to try and get my damn life back together and move on, i just feel like shit and am god damn done.