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I'm beak to the dead i think.
Posted 5 years agoheyoo. yeah, I was dead. basically let just say things have been some up and downs. and this year, I'm gonna change that. I'm going to become better this year. even though i have said this before like years ago, i'll be willing to get into for real. i need to be more creations and beeeee, more goat and do arts ;w; soo sorry if i was dead.. i'll be going do some update of this account too ^^
Updates
Posted 9 years agowell yeah. i revive of this account. and i updated of my info and such... so umm... yeah there ya go -w-
welp... i'm old
Posted 9 years agosoooo yeah. today is me birthday. i'm 25 now... meh ;-;
you can talk with me if you want
Posted 9 years agoso yeah i may haven't used much here on the fA. but i'm been watching much of the arts here and all.. all of it -w-
so yeah i'm alive, talk to me if you want -w-
so yeah i'm alive, talk to me if you want -w-
soooo... yeah, hi.
Posted 10 years agoi have been gone, and back, and gone again, and back again... does no one cares for me? ;-; i'm trying my best you know... weh, sorry -m-
okay, no more silents =-=
Posted 11 years agosorry umm... well whatever -3-;
guess i'm not a good talker... or don't use it much... weh -v-
i need... inspiration... ;3;
guess i'm not a good talker... or don't use it much... weh -v-
i need... inspiration... ;3;
is time for some new changes.
Posted 11 years agoso umm yeah, i don't know if some are you still there with me or not. but just wanna say that i'm going to change a little of me. so i wanna try something new, making new art for anthro and some new ways .w. so umm, if you guys still there... can i ask that can you help me or talk? i just wanna change something. that's all.
please and thanks you ;3;
please and thanks you ;3;
No Subject
Posted 11 years agoi was wondering to all of you... umm.... are you there? .3.;
this dream i had..
Posted 11 years agohahaha... yeah, still getting go and off many times...
man... it burst me with tear this morning. i'm still trying to get over it... but it felt so real to me. in the dream; i lived somewhere in the mountains where some town is peaceful. anyways, in that dream; i have a kid. and my mother is living with me. we're living in this house that is really big, and it's like a farm looking or something.
i was looking at my little 4 year old kid that is playing some dogs. until he has a gun on his hand... and start shooting at the dog. i ran over him and yell at him of where he get that gun, and why did he shoot of that dog. he didn't even look at me directly, and he couldn't speak probably either. i tried to take his gun away... suddenly he shot at me on my neck. i felt down, and everything was blurring. heard my mother screaming my name, ran over me... and my kid shot her too.
then there was another scream from the neighbors and they ran too, trying to call police or ambulance. my mother came crawling, trying to reach me and keep hold on my wounds. telling me that everything is going to be okay and they'll know we're hurt. i can't talk much because i was in shock.... and probably he shot at my vocal cords too.
my kid came to me and said "why are you on the ground and color red all over?"
and then i woke up just like that... it was really sad to me... cause my kid has an autism, and i haven't teach him about life and death...
man... it burst me with tear this morning. i'm still trying to get over it... but it felt so real to me. in the dream; i lived somewhere in the mountains where some town is peaceful. anyways, in that dream; i have a kid. and my mother is living with me. we're living in this house that is really big, and it's like a farm looking or something.
i was looking at my little 4 year old kid that is playing some dogs. until he has a gun on his hand... and start shooting at the dog. i ran over him and yell at him of where he get that gun, and why did he shoot of that dog. he didn't even look at me directly, and he couldn't speak probably either. i tried to take his gun away... suddenly he shot at me on my neck. i felt down, and everything was blurring. heard my mother screaming my name, ran over me... and my kid shot her too.
then there was another scream from the neighbors and they ran too, trying to call police or ambulance. my mother came crawling, trying to reach me and keep hold on my wounds. telling me that everything is going to be okay and they'll know we're hurt. i can't talk much because i was in shock.... and probably he shot at my vocal cords too.
my kid came to me and said "why are you on the ground and color red all over?"
and then i woke up just like that... it was really sad to me... cause my kid has an autism, and i haven't teach him about life and death...
i think i remember something.
Posted 11 years agowell today is my spring break... but it also is the "dia de los santos" this weeks.
man... i feel like i forgotten something a long the way. all the life just show me that sometimes, is when fear will get you. those nights of the shootings and some other parts, all leads to one place that you think is for the better place : death.
"why that thought just pop out? why would i think dead would be a better place?" that was some idea that just came out like a few weeks ago. i know that we are going to die someday... but not soon. not ever.
my dad just keep telling me over and over about when the lord will come here, it means it'll be over and we'll return to heaven.... i'm always keep thinking of "the end" and everything will be "dead", cause everything will come to end eventually...
and i hated that. i don't like when everyone would say that, and my dad explanation isn't really helpful at all. i just... afraid of that word...
those shooting nights just keep reminding me about this. every night, wondering if this will be my last day to be online? will anyone will suspect me that i was gone for 10 days later? will anyone... remember me for at least once a day?
the more i think about this... the more truth will be hurtful.
but i can't let the fear get to me, it really doesn't help me that much. there is no escaping from that time comes. i just have to keep going through my life. i mean.. that's what we all been doing on each day right?
so it really nothing much to be afraid now. i just have to keep going of things that i like to do, and meet the people one day.
a little promise to myself when that day comes. and it felt so relief to remember it now.
but yeah, just wanna write this down and let anyone know that i'm still around. ^^;
hope this will also remember too if when you feel a little off like me.
later.
man... i feel like i forgotten something a long the way. all the life just show me that sometimes, is when fear will get you. those nights of the shootings and some other parts, all leads to one place that you think is for the better place : death.
"why that thought just pop out? why would i think dead would be a better place?" that was some idea that just came out like a few weeks ago. i know that we are going to die someday... but not soon. not ever.
my dad just keep telling me over and over about when the lord will come here, it means it'll be over and we'll return to heaven.... i'm always keep thinking of "the end" and everything will be "dead", cause everything will come to end eventually...
and i hated that. i don't like when everyone would say that, and my dad explanation isn't really helpful at all. i just... afraid of that word...
those shooting nights just keep reminding me about this. every night, wondering if this will be my last day to be online? will anyone will suspect me that i was gone for 10 days later? will anyone... remember me for at least once a day?
the more i think about this... the more truth will be hurtful.
but i can't let the fear get to me, it really doesn't help me that much. there is no escaping from that time comes. i just have to keep going through my life. i mean.. that's what we all been doing on each day right?
so it really nothing much to be afraid now. i just have to keep going of things that i like to do, and meet the people one day.
a little promise to myself when that day comes. and it felt so relief to remember it now.
but yeah, just wanna write this down and let anyone know that i'm still around. ^^;
hope this will also remember too if when you feel a little off like me.
later.
there was a a shooting
Posted 11 years agowell yeah, i haven't talk much here because well... i'm a using more on the DA area.
but yeah, there was some shooting near my home last Thursday at night. 5 shots, and we don't know why or what they want from us; we can't live here anymore.
this is the fifth times they did this.
so we have to moved out... soon.
can't believe this is happening from my town now...
but yeah, there was some shooting near my home last Thursday at night. 5 shots, and we don't know why or what they want from us; we can't live here anymore.
this is the fifth times they did this.
so we have to moved out... soon.
can't believe this is happening from my town now...
rgghh.... i'm so out of motivation.
Posted 11 years agoyeah hi, haven't talk much in here. -3-.
guess i'm out of motivation for drawing... i need something that inspired me to draw... something that really worth it :^:
guess i'm out of motivation for drawing... i need something that inspired me to draw... something that really worth it :^:
...hmm...
Posted 11 years agoman... feeling a little under the weather now... i don't know why though...
TMI Tuesday April fools day
Posted 11 years agoYeah, ain't that happy day huh? So umm... I may be new here, but just a few question won't be bad... R-right? Owo::
So ask away... If you want. ^^;
So ask away... If you want. ^^;
whoa... got a few watcher. ^^;
Posted 11 years agowell... never thought that some will watch me back afterwards. but yeah, still newbie here. still don't know of how it use here though... o3o;.
so umm... help? :3
so umm... help? :3
Yo there.
Posted 11 years agoi may be not an active in here. but that doesn't mean i'm not here much ^^a
i'm a talker sooooo. talk to me .3.
i'm a talker sooooo. talk to me .3.
happy Valentine days
Posted 11 years agoHello to all. I’m just you’re messenger on the Valentine day! I did this like a lot for once of year, and this is my third one. And I’ll probably going to be some stranger to you huh?
But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t give you a message.
Why am I doing this? And what’s my deal? I am not doing this for to get attention or to become popular, but I want is to just remember only.
You may all think that Valentine is all about who is a perfect coupes, and who is not. And that is not of how it goes.
Many people believes of that, young and old. And causing to them a lot of depression. And I have seen a lot of that, between real life and here too. And that many people become so greedy, to get more attention and to be more noticeable. Causing envy and rage, mixing with some thoughts that will comes more anxiety. “That no one will loved you, no one will care for you, and no one will help you or even wants you. Because you’re a useless person that existed to this world.”
And I’m one of those person who been through all of that. When I started to Deviantart, the only thing I ever wanted to most is to get more attention. And man, you should’ve never see me of how far will I go. All started from the newbie DA, beginning to jealously through some months, and ends at the limbo. I’m sure that many people been through all that… but to some of them aren’t lucky enough to make it.
Not always will come a suicide, some people die with a broken heart. The heart sometime can’t handle too much drama, causing the heart string to go break. All because of this ideas and bad person do this every day. Because there’s was no loved… because no one will help them.
I’m not doing this just to make you feel guilty, I’m saying because just remember that the whole “perfect” idea was long gone before the war, the racism and the harassment. No one is right, no one is equal, and no one is better; we are just human. To richer to poorer, remember that we are just human.
Even to those who was born with a problems; we may have some defects part but we still trying to be more normal then before. (I have problems to understand languages; but made it out okay.)
So to put all of that, we are just being different. And that’s okay, because being different is the part that is better than just to be the same. We all have different goals and ideas; there can’t be just one goal.
But even we are all different… sometimes is not enough. Sometimes we can’t understand to each other, even if we have the same body and same emotion. What I have learn through all of this, we are still naive.
We keep repeat over and over again of who can we trust and who is the most alpha type. And we are all go back from the very beginning, back from those dark times.
From the earth was been born to now, we are still naïve as ever.
You wanted to know of how you can break this cycles. You just have to believe on yourselves that you can change this future. Trust to someone who is trying to help you, be kind of those who is kind to you. Don’t be selfish of those who needs help. And never to be afraid.
Maybe one will have a happy life, or maybe some will not. Even so, never give up. Keep on trying, find of that you like the most. And be patience. It doesn’t matter of what you’re studying as or what people who is the annoying the most; you will never know of what that will turn up to.
And forgive of those who make mistake, we are human being for heaven sake >:v . We are making mistake every day and that’s okay also, is part of what we are learning. But if someone who hurt you so unforgivable… that’s up to you to decide.
And one, one last thing before I done to this and do again for the next year; have faith ^^b and give of those who aren’t giving much love, tell them that they are not alone and keep on trying, and hug them too. Sometimes, you can’t expect when some shiny armor knight; or you think that “this might be the one”, you just need to be patience until it comes.
And again, I’m not doing this for attention or for popularities; I’m just your messenger. ^^
Hope you’re day will be special.
From Andy
But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t give you a message.
Why am I doing this? And what’s my deal? I am not doing this for to get attention or to become popular, but I want is to just remember only.
You may all think that Valentine is all about who is a perfect coupes, and who is not. And that is not of how it goes.
Many people believes of that, young and old. And causing to them a lot of depression. And I have seen a lot of that, between real life and here too. And that many people become so greedy, to get more attention and to be more noticeable. Causing envy and rage, mixing with some thoughts that will comes more anxiety. “That no one will loved you, no one will care for you, and no one will help you or even wants you. Because you’re a useless person that existed to this world.”
And I’m one of those person who been through all of that. When I started to Deviantart, the only thing I ever wanted to most is to get more attention. And man, you should’ve never see me of how far will I go. All started from the newbie DA, beginning to jealously through some months, and ends at the limbo. I’m sure that many people been through all that… but to some of them aren’t lucky enough to make it.
Not always will come a suicide, some people die with a broken heart. The heart sometime can’t handle too much drama, causing the heart string to go break. All because of this ideas and bad person do this every day. Because there’s was no loved… because no one will help them.
I’m not doing this just to make you feel guilty, I’m saying because just remember that the whole “perfect” idea was long gone before the war, the racism and the harassment. No one is right, no one is equal, and no one is better; we are just human. To richer to poorer, remember that we are just human.
Even to those who was born with a problems; we may have some defects part but we still trying to be more normal then before. (I have problems to understand languages; but made it out okay.)
So to put all of that, we are just being different. And that’s okay, because being different is the part that is better than just to be the same. We all have different goals and ideas; there can’t be just one goal.
But even we are all different… sometimes is not enough. Sometimes we can’t understand to each other, even if we have the same body and same emotion. What I have learn through all of this, we are still naive.
We keep repeat over and over again of who can we trust and who is the most alpha type. And we are all go back from the very beginning, back from those dark times.
From the earth was been born to now, we are still naïve as ever.
You wanted to know of how you can break this cycles. You just have to believe on yourselves that you can change this future. Trust to someone who is trying to help you, be kind of those who is kind to you. Don’t be selfish of those who needs help. And never to be afraid.
Maybe one will have a happy life, or maybe some will not. Even so, never give up. Keep on trying, find of that you like the most. And be patience. It doesn’t matter of what you’re studying as or what people who is the annoying the most; you will never know of what that will turn up to.
And forgive of those who make mistake, we are human being for heaven sake >:v . We are making mistake every day and that’s okay also, is part of what we are learning. But if someone who hurt you so unforgivable… that’s up to you to decide.
And one, one last thing before I done to this and do again for the next year; have faith ^^b and give of those who aren’t giving much love, tell them that they are not alone and keep on trying, and hug them too. Sometimes, you can’t expect when some shiny armor knight; or you think that “this might be the one”, you just need to be patience until it comes.
And again, I’m not doing this for attention or for popularities; I’m just your messenger. ^^
Hope you’re day will be special.
From Andy
a new leaf.
Posted 12 years agoalright.. i'm going to make a new ways for me. i have been tired of been envy and do nothing but to watch to some of you.
so i got tired from all this. so, i'm going to try a new ways. since i got a tablet now, i'm going to be practicing some art these days ^^ i'm all traditional artist. but i'm also studying as a graphic designer.
so i wanna learn everything on what tools that you use, what programs are you using and how you did it. i just like to draw everyday and the envy just gets in the way... so no more.
i'm up and ready to work ^^
so i got tired from all this. so, i'm going to try a new ways. since i got a tablet now, i'm going to be practicing some art these days ^^ i'm all traditional artist. but i'm also studying as a graphic designer.
so i wanna learn everything on what tools that you use, what programs are you using and how you did it. i just like to draw everyday and the envy just gets in the way... so no more.
i'm up and ready to work ^^
happy new year guys!!
Posted 12 years agohope your ready for the new year~
well, it's been so long.
Posted 12 years agoyeah, hi there. i have been going on and off sometimes. so what happen?
well it all started when my computer was still alive. it was a super computer time. it was all good and all.... until the motherboard got fried up. all the program i have... all gone.
and what worse, the all adobe programs it's there too. i did all hacking, so i didn't bought the whole set of programs... it was freaky hell to me.
luckily my mother's computer it's still alive, so i'm still using it until my computer got fixed... i don't know when will come but i hope it's soon.
sorry for the long quiet... if you still there -3-;
well it all started when my computer was still alive. it was a super computer time. it was all good and all.... until the motherboard got fried up. all the program i have... all gone.
and what worse, the all adobe programs it's there too. i did all hacking, so i didn't bought the whole set of programs... it was freaky hell to me.
luckily my mother's computer it's still alive, so i'm still using it until my computer got fixed... i don't know when will come but i hope it's soon.
sorry for the long quiet... if you still there -3-;
No Subject
Posted 12 years agoUmmm.... Hi? O3o;;
No Subject
Posted 12 years agosorry for not being inactive. i guess that i was so busy with school of life and Pokemon X version... yeah i have that game. ;w;
but yeah, i'm having a busy life... sorry i was haven't talk with ya.
but yeah, i'm having a busy life... sorry i was haven't talk with ya.
hi there.
Posted 12 years agoyeah sorry that i haven't post to anything drawing or journal recently... so many things has happen on my side. but yeah, i'm okay. man, school just give me this hard for the past few weeks. and finally... i have finish ;w;
now i'm free... for a while now. ugh, the English class is got me real good. x.x
i'll chat you later.
now i'm free... for a while now. ugh, the English class is got me real good. x.x
i'll chat you later.
...
Posted 12 years agoman... i just wish that this is all just a dream... but, guess i couldn't let this escape from this.. it give me hard to say of what happen in my side.. but yeah, i will try to tell.
So, i'm going to say first that i'm a Catholic. and i should sound like one... sometimes, it drive me crazy for going to the church every night just to hear the message from the god.... and sometimes i don't get it in most part.
and i'm in the communion church because my parents thinks that i'm just a loner guy who doesn't go out with some friends... i hated it when they were right. and i hated when they judge me of what i do and what i wear. sometimes, they get so wrong... but yeah that's not why i'm so inactive.
you see.... one of the group of the communion... has pass away. i will not going to tell his full name... but i can tell that, for some times; i met him from the moment i join their group. like an year in the half for short.
he died from diabetes... on Sunday. he was fine when he call us on Saturday... it was unexpected. i barely knew this guy, we haven't talk or see each other that much... i just hated there. it always comes the same people with the same old place and it hasn't change for like ever. that drives me crazy and i really wanted to quit... but my parents gave me this whole " lord didn't take a break" card. and that just some lame ass reason. so i started moaning, grumpy and all bad humor mode everyday until they let me go... and man... i was so freaky childish... i was keep hoping that if there's a way to quit this communion.... but i didn't ask anything about this!
i hated... and now i feel like the lord just teach me some lesson about greedy wish... i feel like i'm the one who should be dead, not his! i should've do something like talk to him and get to know him at least... but no... all i gave the group was my selfishness... my problems...
i know that it was the illness that kills him and i shouldn't blame myself... but i feel like i did... all i wanted was to learn to draw and learn some new skill of drawing.
and that's what it scared me the most... you don't know when that person who you loved most, even some people that you just met... suddenly will be gone just like that...
guys, i'm scared to see you go like that everyday. even a while that you haven't talk to me or going to quit for no reason; that just like saying that i'm no good to you. screw this the whole "popular artist and they can't talk to you because your art is suck" or "you are just some nobody and no one cares if you are gone" that is the goddamn reason of how many abuser were created and a thousand young or old artist just die of this.
i don't cared if the bibles said that there's no such thing as a "second chance" every now and then, we all going to make some mistake a long the way. and this is not for always when comes to artist; it's life itself.
i wanted to believe that there is a reincarnation, i wanted to continued of my life until the very end. And the same thing as yourself.
who cares of who is the greater artist, who to say that you are not allow to talks to them? who cares that online friends is impossibles to meet in real life. who cares of someone who is rich, poor, defects or religious or colors. the god give us life for a reason.
so now, i have to use mine of when i meet new faces. even if i'm not that a good artist, i'll keep on trying.
that's all i have to say.... i'm sorry...
So, i'm going to say first that i'm a Catholic. and i should sound like one... sometimes, it drive me crazy for going to the church every night just to hear the message from the god.... and sometimes i don't get it in most part.
and i'm in the communion church because my parents thinks that i'm just a loner guy who doesn't go out with some friends... i hated it when they were right. and i hated when they judge me of what i do and what i wear. sometimes, they get so wrong... but yeah that's not why i'm so inactive.
you see.... one of the group of the communion... has pass away. i will not going to tell his full name... but i can tell that, for some times; i met him from the moment i join their group. like an year in the half for short.
he died from diabetes... on Sunday. he was fine when he call us on Saturday... it was unexpected. i barely knew this guy, we haven't talk or see each other that much... i just hated there. it always comes the same people with the same old place and it hasn't change for like ever. that drives me crazy and i really wanted to quit... but my parents gave me this whole " lord didn't take a break" card. and that just some lame ass reason. so i started moaning, grumpy and all bad humor mode everyday until they let me go... and man... i was so freaky childish... i was keep hoping that if there's a way to quit this communion.... but i didn't ask anything about this!
i hated... and now i feel like the lord just teach me some lesson about greedy wish... i feel like i'm the one who should be dead, not his! i should've do something like talk to him and get to know him at least... but no... all i gave the group was my selfishness... my problems...
i know that it was the illness that kills him and i shouldn't blame myself... but i feel like i did... all i wanted was to learn to draw and learn some new skill of drawing.
and that's what it scared me the most... you don't know when that person who you loved most, even some people that you just met... suddenly will be gone just like that...
guys, i'm scared to see you go like that everyday. even a while that you haven't talk to me or going to quit for no reason; that just like saying that i'm no good to you. screw this the whole "popular artist and they can't talk to you because your art is suck" or "you are just some nobody and no one cares if you are gone" that is the goddamn reason of how many abuser were created and a thousand young or old artist just die of this.
i don't cared if the bibles said that there's no such thing as a "second chance" every now and then, we all going to make some mistake a long the way. and this is not for always when comes to artist; it's life itself.
i wanted to believe that there is a reincarnation, i wanted to continued of my life until the very end. And the same thing as yourself.
who cares of who is the greater artist, who to say that you are not allow to talks to them? who cares that online friends is impossibles to meet in real life. who cares of someone who is rich, poor, defects or religious or colors. the god give us life for a reason.
so now, i have to use mine of when i meet new faces. even if i'm not that a good artist, i'll keep on trying.
that's all i have to say.... i'm sorry...
umm....
Posted 12 years agoyeah... i'm having an art block somehow.... anyone got me inspired me to draw ? ummm.... well just wanna chat a little, that's all.
