I have not put up much of anything of late for a good reason i guess.
first and foremost My arm still has not healed and earlier this winter i pulled everything in it again and what i am guessing is nerve damage from the Simvastin and Lisinopril medications makes it hard for me to get my hands to do what i want them to do. i drop pens and pencils. my arm tires out after ten minutes of trying. My eye sight is a little worse but i can still use my normal reading glasses and i still see well but after wearing my glasses now for a little while it feels like i have been crying for hours.

also nothing i needed to get done outside or in got done before the cold came and put the severe cripple hold on me. so many people including the ones that care about me understand what it is like to be in crippling pain all the time. or that especially in winter moving is like i am trying to move through tar. so many people act like because i am not in a wheel chair yet or some such shit i should be ok cause i LOOK fine.

which is one of the problems i am going to face in a week. due to incredible shitty shit shit i will have to go to court to i guess prove i am not some drug dealer cause a friend of mine was taking some of my old meds to the local hospital for me to be destroyed. crazy shit happened and now they think i was trying to sell it. because it was in a baggy and not the nigh impossible for me to open pill bottle it came in. even though i still had the bottles and they have seen them.

I keep getting told that there is nothing to worry about. hell i even pulled out my old tarot cards and gave them a spin and the reading told me to quit hitting myself but i have been through so much crap for so long i am filled with paranoia and fear and nasty twisting in my stomach. hell i have not even had my proper diabetic meds in a fucking year. trying to make due with proper diet and supplements and high fiber everything (cause i enjoy shitting out a wicker swing set) As it is i was finally going to be able to get back to my doctor hopefully but then this shit came up and i have to make sure i am around to go to court. so i have to wait til this shit is done cause i know after this much time my Doctor is going to nail me in a Hospital bed for a while or send me to a million and a half places for this and that (which due to lack of rides anywhere and winter and a broken garage door keeping my mobility scooter grounded means i will probably not get to shit)

yeah just fuck

at least on satruday i got to be around people for a birthday dinner which is good it happened then cause today my real birthday is SNOW COVERED. I was going to try to get to the library to get some forms printed out i need to fill out but I think i am going to skip that at the moment. it is hard enough for me to walk with no obstructions. and walk9ing that far on a nice day is like having a thousand daggers in my legs. walking in this shit... nope nope nope.

may your day be filled with happy happy joy joy feeling and the right colour cell phone or device

yeah invite to the local furs and as to who is local that entirely depends on you.
not sure entirely what will happen. was thinking some foods and bad movies at the very least. possibly a game or two of Arkham. (the lovecraftian board game not some bat shit :)

Yup food at my house bitches. Thanksgiving until saturday. if you are reading this then you are invited. just respond if i should expect you. it makes the planning and hiring of snipers easier

http://www.wpafw.org/

in less than two weeks hos

http://www.wpafw.org/

go to the site. check it out. love it. lick it. marry it in the state of your choice.

come and have fun and eat food and buy tickets for our charity raffle which is always filled with all manner of awesome. Probably not going to have photos up before the event of prizes this year due to real life but Swords and art and plush and tails and a train set and strange and wonderful things from around the world as usual and PONIES for fucks sake so many ponies.

and it is a hacked version of my art. at least i got a name on it and got credit.
https://e621.net/post/show/77553/ak.....lothed-clothin

yeah the best part is there never was a non herm version of it. so kinda funny this. I almost want to make an account just to say something but it is probably not worth it.

strangely it does kinda make me feel a little better about my art and self. which i really need of late. so much shit going on. just to much right now.

Aku is dead.

he did not in fact have Diarrhea. he had a major heart problem. which caused organ failures. his lungs were filled with and surrounded by fluid. there was nothing that could be done to heal him. even with me pumping in the fluids and food he was so dehydrated that they had to use a intra heart injection to stop his heart since they could not find veins and with his heart so fucked up there was barely any circulation.

the only person i had left that would curl up with me when things went bad is gone. the One that would destroy his cage if he was not out and i was having a panic attack is gone. My little buddy and baby is gone.

and i still owe ten bucks to the vet so i really have to get back from site and to my bank on the first so i can pay them. every dime i had left went to the bill. 79 bucks. do you have any idea how surreal and fucked up it is to have to fill out paper work and pay a bill while you watch your beloved die..

My head is filled with bad things. it usually is. but right now they are just crushing me. and i am really not sure what to do since it is so many things. i keep trying to tackle one at a time but then the universe reminds me in very concrete ways that NOTHING exists in a vacuum as i already know to be true. but it always seems to be extra true anymore. to do even the simplest thing right now i have to tackle what seems like endless other things first. no matter what i try to do this or that or all these things will need be done or will be affected in adverse ways. i have this incredible frustration that will not go away and in fact is only getting worse. and the worst part is it feels like i have NO ONE to confide in about all of it for fear of my issues getting to people and them taking it wrong. cause far to many of you do when it comes down to it. far to many people i know cannot differentiate between I am mad at a situation and not the person. and many people try to offer what often becomes useless and frustrating advice because of 1 i have tried that already, 2 it is impossible in my situation, 3 it requires money and i fucking have none. (people usually pay my way into things which i appreciate and often feel guilty about but then i feel guilty about everything. and that is a big weight on me right now too as a matter of fact and part of the problems) or finally 4 that it requires i become someone i am not. something that so many people are always saying you should not change and then tell me how i should change. in ways that are usually not only very different from the real me but indeed diametrically opposed to everything i am.

Holy shit fuck. even with my mobility scooter i am still so damn sore... also i ripped the skin off my knee trying to go through the handicapped door entrance at the Westin. that was lovely. luckily i clot like creme on a hot summer day while waiting to be poured on someone outdoors for a sexy picnic that will later be ruined not only by food poisoning from the poor choice of using gone off creme on someone's genitals as a kick but also by the runaway funeral comedy of errors that will occur nearby resulting in a coffin on wheels speeding by and ripping off the wig of the drag queen that was going down on the guy who had no idea and later both of them being trampled but not killed by the funeral goers trying to stop the coffin from getting away but which will ultimately be hit by a bus full of Nuns on the way to the hospital who all have dysentery and will of course all explode violently with horrific diarrhea when they hit to coffin which will of course have a knocked out midget in it high on drugs who was the deceased's gay lover who came to get some money from the family of the dead guy who said he would take care of him resulting in other hilarious hijinks which ended with him bashing his head into a coffee table after falling off the couch during a wrestling scene where he tried to escape being captured and silenced before he could spill the beans to the wife of the guy who is still quite dead by the kids of the dead guy and alive wife which also involved being sat on by the hilariously overweight aunt who is actually a skinny undercover detective looking for the drug dealing boyfriend of the daughter of the dead guy and alive wife who happened to bring some drugs to the party in a prescription bottle that everyone keeps finding and using to calm down other people at the funeral but just keeps getting them unbelievably high resulting in a hysterical sobbing wife throwing herself at the coffin before it was lowered which lands on the skateboarding cousin whose skate board can somehow handle the weight of it all and sends it speeding downhill at a drag queen and duped but loveable clueless guy who fell for the drag queen and that the drag queen also loves but has gotten in over her feet with and then exploding diarrhea nuns.

so in other words the bleeding stopped quickly.


also for the first fucking time ever in my life something of mine got more than 2 bids. in fact it fucking went to voice auction. VOICE AUCTION MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it went for 60 fucking bucks. 60!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

the last bid before that to take it there was like 23. so it had a few bids to get to 60.


that was pretty damn awesome.

sadly nothing in the Adult section of the show got a single big on it even the Model red rocket which i guess was for the best.

there were many other hijinks as well like a very drunk White Wer laughing til he almost died because of wet fart noises made by Kelson and discussion of the Mandarin Orange's pleasure palace where in i would take a bite of a grape and juice the rest of it on my nipple and offer a tiny thimble sized cup of freshly nipple juiced juice to Kage asking him if he wished to have some Grape Juice a al Dionysus and other insanity including finger forks being used to offer small smoked sausages to people and all the people in the tent providing entertainment only wearing strategically draped cloth and lounging in the most seductive manners

overall a great con

finally got everything done i could for the AC art show. it has been a LONG INSANE AND PAINFUL JOURNEY TO GET TO THIS POINT. i am not even going to get into all the crap i had to do to even be able to get to do any art this year. honestly though it was as if everything was trying to stop me from going to AC. i really hope it goes well. and that i did not just run the gamut of stupid and painful shit to only find out is was a warning to not go.

Well i am pretty sure i won today in Yard Sale. around 20 bucks spent
Thee foot tall self standing Zebra plush (which got my photos taken by a local news paper photographer and may end up in the paper) - 1 dollar
two foot tall giraffe plush also standing -1 dollar
Nerf Maverick. an older heavier one. still in great shape - 25 cents
three foot tall tower fan with remote - 3 bucks
Three. count them three still in box O2 small battery operated fans - 1 dollar
long metal wall sconce with three votive holders. - 1 dollar
Show box full of collected shells and really nice sea polished quarts pebbles. - 50 cents
new awesome red and cold celestial themed silk scarf. - 50 cents
set of wood carving chisels in new shape - 1 dollar
drum, tambourine, rhythm sticks, wood clapper, and a few other wood percussion instruments all for 3 bucks
wood shelf like a smaller one from Labyrinth that held her teddy bears. - buck
The exact fucking shelf i was envisioning to make a jewelry holder for myself - buck
MP3 player - 50 cents
and i am forgetting a few things

Also at the farmers market the garlic people had some seriously fun heirloom tomato plants and since i know at least the ONE bin survived winter i can have a couple of tomatoes.
I got Japanese black, a small different black tomato an ugly yellow one (supposed to be wrinkly) Pink cherry and brandywine.

also got myself some delicious cheeses and tea and veggies. Including zucchini.

had a LOT of fun but got way to damn much sun and found out that as bad as the sidewalks and roads are where i know them they are pristine bran new infrastructure compared to the new ones i found today.

also nothing makes people smile quite like having a three foot zebra strapped to the front of your mobility scooter. it was hilarious. people stopping and taking photos of it and smiling and laughing and being all sorts of friendly. it was a hell of a change. i think i need to find a new stuffed animal to just sit in the basket. he is a BIT too big for that daily.

but now to hide from the giant evil ball of fire and death and recover slowly from the UV allergy and toxins now coursing through my system making my skin itch and everything in me feel kinda poisoned. So totally worth it though.

27 hours of trying to install that mother fucking wallet. 27 hours of not being able to use this site other than the text portions. 27 hours of no music. 27 hours of no e-mail and no vids and no good google searches cause GOD FORBID there are images or lots of links. 27 hours of fucking slow as hell speeds on anything i could use. and then... then it gets stuck on 3 weeks worth of background shit to upload or what the fuck ever and fucked my comp like a medieval camp whore.

i have this thing. I am very mentally damaged from decades of abuse. if i try to clean i fight with all these voices in my head of past roommates and my parents and others that fucked with me over the years. it escalates quicker than a death count at a Game of Thrones wedding. the ONLY thing in the entire mulitverse that even remotely makes it tolerable is Music. preferably semi loud chillstep or meditation music. Sometimes on very bad days Death metal and Opera metal and heavy dubstep are required.

to be able to get ANYTHING done so i can TRY and i do mean TRY to get any art done for AC and Pennsic i have to clean endless amounts of shit in the godfuck house. i have been doing so without music. at least down stairs. where it is the worst. My level of fucking crazy if off the charts. i am shaking like a leaf and my throat is sore from screaming at the voices in my head. i keep having low blood sugar attacks from all the rage and screaming and sudden adrenaline surges and falls.

i am so ready to just fucking uninstall the fucking thing. but a dear friend has been trying to get me into this cryptocurrency stuff for so long cause he thinks it may help me. I personally ran out of hope for anything helping me quite a while ago when winter ended and i saw all the destruction it left me to deal with as well as the fact that winter itself almost killed me. so yeah... but still i shall probably reopen the shitfest program when i go to bed in the hopes that it might someday actually fucking finish and allow me to have a life again but for now fuck it. fuck it and the digital horse it rode in on. fuck it to hell and back.

DAMN YOU KELSON!!!!!!!!!!!!
the rat poison did not kill me fast enough and i had to sit through that FUCKING HORRID MOVIE! so much fetish... so many truly bad puns. Nostalgia Critic failed to properly warn of the horror. This is the movie that would have made the MST3K crew crash the Satellite of Love into the sun. this would have made Forrester renounce her plans for taking over the earth. Nothing will get that 40 hours of my life back... yeah it said it was only 130 minutes. it lied... the dead lifeless eyes. the spastic parkinsons syndrome like movements. the animation that made things like the original MTV video look like Pixar's finest hour. those cold dead eyes. the fetishes like flies on a bloated road kill. in a fucking children's film... IN A FUCKING KIDS FILM FOR FUCKS SAKE! MY IQ HURTS! Holla If I Kill You now stands as an oscar winning masterpiece. I want death to carry me away but i am afraid that movie was just someone filming hell through a pinhole. and i might go there. it was worse than shitting dick nipples and having to make slippers out of the labia of vagina monsters to walk up hill in the hell of a thousand needles. Forgiveness is not an option. and they spent 65 million on this.... I would sooner have let some politician embezzle that money for underage hookers and blow than to have seen it used to produce this utter mindfuck piece of shit movie. at least something wholesome could have come from the politician... this was the worst thing my mind has ever had to withstand. and for people who know me that was a serious feat. I think if we show it to the elder gods we can repel them with ease.

i hatchu Kelson Candymonster and i shall hate that movie til the end of all time. SO yeah you need to show up so we can go all robot chicken on your ass and make you watch it too...

FOOD FIGHT was the worst of the worst of the wurst.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lf85ZaAfixM

I give up. I GIVE UP. i am still crying and shaking so hard i can barely breath. i am on the verge of vomiting. i give up. i simply give up. ran around town doing last minute whatever and came home and tried to do some stuff in the yard finally getting to take a close look at it. I give up. i cannot have anything nice. i cannot seem to have anything. i give up. everything out there is broken. something either ate the ends of my japanese maple or someone cut on it with scissors. the one i trained to grow low and out. it is a stump. i give up. i give up everything. fuck it. i already cannot afford to go to things like AC and anything Pennsic related anymore really. and because i fucked up and become something somewhat important to the WPAFW i have to go to those other things to beg for prizes for the charity raffle which i keep getting told is the reason people go to the WPAFW. and if i quit anything i fuck everyone. but i do not even have money for those things anymore and my yard is gone. it is just fucking gone. i have been fighting til i am sick and fighting til i cannot move for weeks to try to have SOMETHING when i finally cannot fight anymore and do anything anymore. so i could have a fucking place to sit and enjoy a garden. but that was too fucking much to ask for. and i am done fighting. i will be finishing off what nature fucked over already and getting rid of it all that i can. just fuck it all. i am so tired of fighting. i fucking quit. i quit everything. fuck it all. this will probably be my last year for anything. there is a hole in the fucking wall under the stairs i have been begging for help to fix for four years now. i cannot lift the heavy shit. my body is shit. my brain is following. there is nothing left for me anymore. i quit. i fucking quit. i cannot take this shit anymore and i cannot afford it either. i cannot even find a mother fucking doctor that will take me in this shithole of a town. i cannot afford the vet for my ferret. i cannot get this house clean and i do not have enough spoons for making dinner anymore let alone all the other shit that needs to happen around here. and the fucking boston ferns that took up my basement with me trying to keep them alive are all dead now too. fuck it all. fuck everything. i quit. i cannot even breathe right right now. i feel like my chest is exploding and imploding at the same time. my vision is getting blurry. i feel weak and sick and i just cannot do it anymore. i cannot. i am done. i quit.

https://www.weasyl.com/journal/4629.....rous-situation

hope it helps

as i post older photography and such. going through folders i have not looked at in a while. knowing that i am not going to be posting much in the way of new art though i will be posting what little i did last year.

i already had enough problems even getting to do art or garden or anything really but this last year having a gimpy arm has really done it's work on me. i have really not done any good photography in a while. no artwork since last AC. one piece of writing. everything is a huge mess here still.

i just want to be able to do art again. and lots of it. I am hoping that the mental damage from being gimpier than normal and three months of near isolation because of weather will clear up.

I really do miss this place. but with my arm still fucked and now occasional hand tremors are is just fucking hard to do. not to mention all the mundane shit in my way of getting anything done like my art space being a pile of art supplies and odds and ends from when i was cleaning out storage areas of the house, winter kicking my ass like i knew it would since i am riddled with painful diseases like rheumatoid arthritis and Fibro and shit which already makes the nicest day difficult for me at best and winter and shitty cold weather a living fucking nightmare at times. so yeah not much gets done in winter like heavy cleaning or anything. and considering i still have shit on the porch from halloween cause COLD came in fast this year... i never got done all i wanted to before fall ended and winter started... one of my biggest wishes anymore is to just have a clean house (not magazine clean or something like that.) and my art area just organized enough for me to do art all winter long because when spring hits i have so much to do (for a broken person like myself. someone not in my condition could do this shit in a weekend i think) that i cannot concentrate on the house. though this year looks like it may be exceptionally busy since i will be going back to pennsic and hopefully the Shop. and AC and of course the WPAFW and locally maybe the farmers market with seedlings and some jewelry and maybe some nice terrariums. yeah it is going to be a bitch. but even with all that on my plate my big concern this year is fixing the house and getting ready for next winter. this one was beyond fucking rough. for the last year i have had my mobility scooter as my primary source of getting around. it does not work in snow. some months i had to beg for rides for a week or more to get out to get money to get groceries. i cannot do that. I have to make a hydroponics system. i have to do some other things to make sure i am not living on Shit food. my diabetes cannot handle that shit anymore. but yeah all this shit has kept me not as online as much as i used to be. especially in the places i want to be in. like here. where i can talk to other artists and furs and such and not have the drama levels of Facebook. cause HOLY FUCK facebook is like a god damn anime convention for drama. which honestly furries have NOTHING on an average anime con or red neck town for drama and i already live in a red neck town.

Some announcements from the homefront
I got my art show appliocation for AC even though i forgot all about it with all the things going on right now

that giant fucking horrible salon chair made it out the door and was picked up by a scrapper in like a half an hour after going out! it is finally gone. the long national nightmare is over. you can return to your lives now with less fear. but only the smallest amount of less fear. perhaps more fear. for we do not know if the chair has been scrapped or simply found a new place to dwell and plot...

We have a new roommate. viewing hours are between afternoon and sometime after dark. proper food offerings to the new roomie are chips and pepsi. Long Live the Roommate.

where as most of the Sparkle Season decor i cleaned out went to Good will i think Spooky Season stuff i am getting rid of will be gifted to the dear goths in my life. So Kelson and Kelly will soon have bigger gift boxes. since your Sparkle Season gifts are still here. but i am not done going though all of that yet.

Joel i have not found much for your Pennsic Tuchux adventure kit yet but i do have part of a horse pelt so far it is kinda big. half a pelt or so. so what i am offered for that.

Also already finding things for the WPAFW raffle. like a rubber horse toy made out of the same rubber used for dodge balls. chaos will ensue.

and today was the day all the above caught up with me and i was sick most of the day day...

GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING ASS HOLE COCK SUCKING DICK FEEDING SHIT LICKING CRUSTY CLOWN VOMIT SHIT STAINS ON A BABY EMU'S CLOACA!!!!!!!!!

WTF Outlook. really what the god damn cunt leavings were you thinking you piss addled cum brained blood fart! if it was not for me Actually listening to that little voice in my Mother fucking damaged broken mind i would never have found the e-mail i was waiting for you piece of donkey smegma! foul colostomy bag of a maggoty looking excremental being. WHY did hotmail have to become you. it is like turning a car into a slimy clotted yeasty discharge soaked heavy flow tampon! you are so fucking utterly worthless. you could fuck up a one car white supremacist funeral . you are more useless than tits on roadkill! For FUCKS SAKE I ALREADY HAD EMAILS FROM THE PEOPLE I WAS WAITING FOR THIS ONE FROM. WHY DID YOU DO TO IT WHAT YOU DID WITH YOUR PROM BABY AND STICK IN THE TRASH! IF YOU WERE AN ACTUAL BEING I WOULD HAVE THROWN YOU IN FRONT OF A COMBINE THRESHER EVEN THOUGH YOUR STANK NASTY SQUAMOUS FLAILING PUS FILLED GANGRENE RIDDLED POCK MARKED SEMI GELATINOUS DISEASE BREEDING GUANO SACK OF A FETID BODY WOULD JUST CLOG THE DAMN THING WITH PUTRESCENCE. i hate you more than bore worms in my nipples


that is all....

The new leak has been replaced by a new leak. well two if you count that my injured arm developed a huge lump in the armpit which was a bitch to get to and is now oozing blood and slimy fluids.... cause you know. never enough.

this of course has my the arm hurt more. cause well how else would this play out. but the lump is going down greatly. just ruining shirts.

Sleeping a lot from pain and such. which is why i have not been on and not checking notes and such. about to go back to sleep now. so damn tired.

So today is a perfect example of my luck? existence? whatever. My arm was feeling slightly better even though there is a weird lump in my armpit now. but i was feeling better. a little. i was all YAY today will be productive day! my pain levels were low. I was going to get to go get much needed groceries. I had plans for the day. since i was having a good arm day i could fold laundry. something i have been barely able to do for a year now.

then i came home.

to a roof leaking in two places in the living room. on either side of a panel of cement board ceiling. the panel that the ceiling fan is on. right above a table filled with important papers and electronic equip stuff and holiday things and my new terrarium and other things. with the fan showering the place with water. and it is cracking in such a way as the other part of the ceiling did before it fell in and destroyed Dave's computer and other shit and left the house looking like Pyramid Head came to decorate. so of course everything had to move. except there is no where to really move shit. The drawer unit in the kitchen was collapsing so i had to take it out so all the stuff in it is everywhere along with long overdue dishes and other shit. the back room has been having shit tossed around in it since one of the Old roomies said rugin christmas he was comign for his shit. so i moved all the other stuff in there around and figured i would clean it all up once his crap was gone and i took down holiday stuff. so it is a fucksty. and downstairs has been a hellhole for a while now what with the chronic pain, fucked up arm, and cleaning out all the shit in the world to do shit. so yeah...

everything is everywhere and all plans destroyed and waiting for the ceiling to collapse cause we have money to throw around everywhere to fix shit like this. if you count pennies....

Kyr helped me move much stuff. which is good cause i am not in a good way right now. i am really not in a good way right now. i feel sick as hell and am shaking and my head hurts and i feel like i have a fever. and like i said. Like every single fucking time. i had plans to better things. i was inspired. things looked up again.

this is why i hate hope. this is why i think nothing will ever get better. this is why i will probably never be the happy person i was. Decades of trying and trying and trying and failing every single fucking time. for reasons always outside of anything i have power over. Always. Always. every single fucking time.

i am not sure who i wronged or what but god damn it TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK I DID WRONG! I CANNOT TRY TO FIX SOMETHING OR APOLOGIZE FOR SOMETHING I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA I DID! WHY????

i just want a simple life anymore. most of my dreams are dead already. my body is broken from decades of stupid shit like this. for fucks sake i cannot even fucking change the lightbulb hanging down here near my art pile of shit cause i can only really use one fucking arm. why can you not just let me heal and try to do something. why am i not allowed to make art and maybe sell it without something more fucking it all up. i cannot even fucking finish a god damn simple feather tattoo design without shit. I AM TIRED OF SHIT!

or maybe this might be a lot of seriously blown out of proportion bullshit. but since i am not the police and law enforcement and do not know the people involved and only have hearsay to go on i am going to give it all the credence it deserves much like Fox News.

Long ago i would have been far more likely to take up the girls position on this and run this other person out of town on a rail. the problem is that there are unfortunately people that claim all sorts of shit for various reasons because they know it will ruin other peoples lives and that is what they want. to ruin other peoples lives.

when i was in highschool this girl i hated had a nightmare i raped her. and she told people at first it was a nightmare. (frankly the thought of it made me sick and not just cause i am gay) but then by the end of the week she went from saying it was a nightmare to I DID IT and even stood up in lunch to accuse me. where upon i outed myself and told her to fuck off. Luckily for me people knew me well and knew i would never do shit like that anyway. I will not even hug someone without express permission.

Also i have had incidents like people dragging their kids away from me because i am big. and i guess scary. that made me in their eyes a predator of kids or what have you. and that shit gets blown so way out of proportion on the net.

but now we live in the age of the internet. where rumors and lies spread like wildfires and social justice people must ride in on electronic horses to save the day clothed in their own righteous indignation leaving truth and rationality behind because it will give them great social justice cred.

If it were not for the fact that i have lived through and watched people i know live through this kind of shit before, i admit i would probably be on the bandwagon to oust this person and all that shit. But i have lived through it. i have watched some of my best friends go through hell cause in Redneckville USA doing things like claiming rape or calling CYS on people to punish them for shit is so common it might as well have a fucking bingo game card. and in a fandom so filled with drama it is an endless stereotype (though honestly furry has nothing on just living in a red neck area for drama) you would think people MIGHT stop and find out what is going on for real after all this shit.

it may very well be true that this guy is a rapist. it may also be true that he did something to piss her off and she claimed rape to punish this person knowing full well that on the net people would see this horrid accusation and run with it for all their own personal various reasons. be it self righteous bullshit or rumor mongering or trolling or sincere belief they would carry this torch to where ever.

if she was truly raped then she should be going to the police who would take care of this shit instead of the internet like some drama llama. don't you think. cause i can assure you some site admin who thinks they have all the power is not going to stop the cops.

so yeah i have been being really unstable of late mentally. depression has been ripping at me hard. i have been doing everything in my power to try to overcome it. i have been trying so hard. for some reason as i again try to forgive my past and move on my past has risen up like an extinction level tectonic plate uplift throwing everything including things i have not even thought about in ages at me. like hot molten lava. right in my face. But i keep trying. i keep trying. i try so hard. i am not as strong as people think. i am not. my sleep has been other than for one tiny dream segment last night but nightmares. nothing but. and fucked up cause i am lucid in them but for the most part i just keep giving up in them and let them sweep me away cause in them i keep trying so hard and failing so hard... So on top of all of this... On top of the cold and shit making it almost impossible for me to even climb the fucking stairs. (and yes i know people have it worse than me. guess what. i am not them. nor am i the Billions of fuckers how have it a LOT better than me either. My pain is fucking valid even if you try to invalidate it with OH but i had it worse. I am not you. you are not me. so just fucking drop that shit. after all so many of the same people that tell me to never compare myself or my life to others are the self same fuckers who hit me with well this person has it worse or i have it worse than you so shut the fuck up. and as far as complaining i kept that shit in for decades and it is the reason i am such a fucking ray of sunshine now cause i let it fester and rot. so yeah suck my dysfunctional tiny dick) So yeah on top of all this shit was a fucking letter today from the fucking Code Enforcer. i have no idea what is in it. Code Enforcer in my life usually spells all sorts of fucking horror. My current guesses are the planters out front cause they look like shit when nothing is alive in them. the stuff at the side of the house which includes the bags of mortar to someday if i ever get the help to do so to fix the steps. which are so fucking heavy i simply cannot move them. or the yard which is under construction cause i am crippled up and it takes me 40 times longer to fucking do things than a normal fucking person. yet there are yards and shit around here that make mine look like fucking Martha Stewart fucking lives here and i never see them get shit. A stray fucking bottle in my mine and the world slams on me. the remnants of a third world war field in someone else's and that is just fine and dandy. so now i wonder what new hell awaits me in that fucking envelope while i sit with legs in so much fucking pain i doubt like hell i will get all the fucking garbage done and other shit that needs be done in the house. cause yeah. i needed this on top of everything else. i think this year i am just going to undo everything and get rid of everything in my fucking life so maybe just fucking maybe people will leave me the fuck alone. and after all i cannot be hurt by this constant failure if i just fucking surrender and get rid of anything i had any joy or pride in anyway.