do not go looking for those images. i have a strong stomach and i almost tossed my cookies. this is so fucking horrific.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=gryenlQKTbE#!

this is a great short film

Seriously WTF body. i ate enough in one continuous binge to have fed a family of five. and i still hunger... WTF you would think Three large plates of salad, two chicken leg quarters. what was probably 4 normal sized portions of stuffing, ice cream, apple chips, an orange, a slice of pizza and random snacks would have been more than enough for a DAY let alone a meal... and i still hunger. i know i did not feed you right for a few days but damn bitch.

I just kinda followed my instincts and OMG! i made Korean Cinnamon Punch even better! a dash of rose water and a dash of my double plus power vanilla (a bottle of vanilla extract where i combined three different brands with slightly different flavours and then shoved in split open vanilla beans.) it became so godlike. then i used it to soak apple slices for dehydrating. SO GOOD! the living room smells like heaven right now!

Just OW. so i had some really nasty nightmares. nasty enough i cannot remember them really at all other than severe panic. which of course made me wake up.

To the joy of sleep Paralysis. something i am normally used to. except this time it was Very different.
One most of my body was painfully cramping. especially my legs.
two it lasted about 15 minutes by my estimate. 4 songs on the radio and some advertisements and a weather report.
by the time it subsided i was so exhausted i fell back to sleep and deeply i just awoke again with a start. quite the eventful nap...

WHY i keep even trying. to do anything.
finally a nice day out. the yard looks like it was face fucked by a tornado. the winter fucked everything again. broke more large pots even though they were not filled with things. stuff is knocked over and everywhere. i would swear little kids were in there after eating all the fucking sugar and drinking all the damn redbulls. it is going to take me forever to fix anything. and if this was just something that happened once i would be a lot less mad and be all Yeah it was a shitty winter. but it is not. in fact i cannot remember a time this has not happened. I cannot remember a time anything i have done has meant anything or lasted longer than a cheeseburger in front of an average american. i wanted so much to have the house clean and good to do art this winter. that of course did not happen and when i got even remotely close to getting the upstairs done we had ceiling collapse. which i am still waiting to have completely fixed. now it is spring.

part of me wants to give up so bad. on every single thing. and i mean everything. my body only gets worse every day. soon i will not be able to do anything really. so why do i keep torturing myself by trying to do anything.

“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of the infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.”
― H.P. Lovecraft

and sometimes this is not the case.

I have been doing my annual getting ready for gardening and figuring out what i need to get and do for this year and was looking up my usual odd list of what is what and doing things like researching What is Chincilla Dust bath made of (powdered pumice. i had thought it was volcanic dust but not quite) then i was like OK i have two jugs of this laying about. is it good for Soil since i know Volcanic ash is. Yes but not for the reasons i thought. it is really good at aeration and drainage. not so great with the trace minerals.

Well another thing i knew about from a national Geographic mag from a Long time back was the addition of Charcoal to soil.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/.....oryId=89562594
http://homeguides.sfgate.com/improv.....oal-21913.html

and yes even though the second article is all Like NO CHARCOAL FOR GRILLING! this is not completely true. true lump charcoal which is used for grilling and blacksmithing will work if crushed.

and i saw in the top article that you can make charcoal pretty easy at home with a metal container. NOW this is where that Correlate my Brain Contents came into view. ever hear of Charcloth? http://www.instructables.com/id/Mak.....le-of-minutes/ Useful stuff no?

Well then it hit me. you do not need huge amounts of charcoal for the soil. AND most of us have some old rags of clothing around that are made of cotton. and WAHLAH! make your own soil enhancing charcoal product from old clothes as well as kitchen scraps and debris from the garden! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

so yeah. i need to get an old metal Ammo box to make me a decent charcoal maker. I know i do not have enough stuff around to have to use an big metal barrel but a good metal ammo box should do. and hell if you do not have any clothes you want to kill plenty of other people will have stuff they are getting rid of and sometimes at flea markets and such you will find jeans for little bit of nothing. and denim is cotton! and really old jeans can be used for SO MANY THINGS!

Did somebody do something or what. I feel odd. not like normal odd for me either. well i have kinda felt this way before but not in a long long time. I do not feel corporeal. like my body is made of mist and dreams. it feels like my left eye is made of tentacles again. something i have not felt in a while. I feel kinda unhinged but not in a bad way. just kinda loose of the mortal coil. strangely everything around me feels MORE solid and real. and i feel far less real. Maybe i died while i napped. who knows. but i do not feel "real" it is actually taking concentration to not only use my fingers but to have them. i feel like if i do not concentrate hard i am going to just become some colours and drift away. and right now i am having a really hard time convincing myself not to just let that happen. I look really pretty when i let myself fade a bit. why is it when i am like this that my left eye becomes tentacles. i can feel them just sort of swaying in the ether.. like coral tentacles in the waves. it is pleasant. i really like the feeling. i am also perceiving little tiny flits of light. not really seeing them. they are just there on the edge of consciousness. and i want to eat them. but i am pretty sure i can only do that with my eyeball tentacles. it is interesting that i have my eyeball and the tentacles in the same place at the same time but out of phase i guess with each other but still connected to me. I think i recognize this feeling. it feels a lot like when i got lost a long time ago and also did not want to come back. i have never fit right in the world since that time as it is. a long time ago someone told me how to meditate. and that Zen masters sought to be one with everything. so i sat in a quiet spot and i let myself expand. and i kept expanding.. GODS I SOUND SO FuCKING CRAZY but yeah i felt myself keep getting larger i guess. but not. it is hard to explain. Oh gods the feeling is fading... i do not want to be physical again. but.... it is hard to breathe now. but back then i remember a Moment that was the briefest thing and yet seemed to go on forever. i remember being utterly aware of every single Thing. every atom and molecule and energy current and quantum state and cycle and movement and everything. it was the first time i heard the nada Brahma. i think. i think i may have been aware of it all along. You know that the original swastika was the movement of the universe.. the spinning in the fluid. layers upon layers rendered in a simple form. fuck i am feeling my weight again. i feel the pain in my feet and legs again. i still feel like i am about an inch out of space though. not quite back in my flesh. and no i am not on drugs. i do not do drugs. i have never done them. not on purpose. everything is so terribly solid again. so horrifically stable and why is nothing moving. the wood no longer flows... oh gods is it so horrible... it hurts. everything was so static... i want to scream. i want to cry. i want to run. i still feel a little disconnected. strange how that makes me feel better. strange how that gives me a sense of sanity... i think i am fine again. well at least as fine as i get. i guess i should take the garbage out.

i have one, Same name there as here nothing is posted yet. trying to give a damn really hard.

i have not caught up on my submissions in almost two years
i have not posted anything in ages
i have barely drawn in so long i think a pencil would fall out of my hand
i used to be on here responding to everyone as much as i could. now i think i have been mostly forgotten
i have been in the deepest grips of depression for so long that now that i have a possible doctor again i am terrified to call for fear they will tell me to go away too. it has been two years since i have seen one in real life. it has been over a year since my prescriptions ran out for my diabetic meds and my prozac. i have been using herbs and suppliments to control my blood sugar. and my willpower is at an all time low. so it is not that great but i can only imagine what it would be like without what i have been trying to do.

every little thing sets me off. i want to do art. i want to be creating. but all i do is clean. and not as much of that as i should be. depression has flung everything else so far out of whack that i can barely walk two blocks now. depression makes pain and other diseases worse. isn't that wonderful. and the worst part is i feel like i have let people here and elsewhere down by not being around. and i feel like an utter burden to everyone.

I just heard the single most fucked up commercial ever on the radio. this place called Buckeye Firearms just had the Audacity to ask if you as a gun owner were tired of being treated like a second class citizen. Really Bitches. Really? as someone that can discriminated against for biological defects, as someone who is not allowed to get married yet, amoung other things. i say from the bottom of my besmeared farthole. Fuck you. Fuck you with one of your precious AR-15s you so proudly sell with the safety off and lubed with gun oil and broken lightbulbs. Honestly truly fuck you. Second Class citizens... you have no fucking clue what it is to be a second class anything. unless you think that the second amendment should have been the first one so you could feel better about your tiny tiny penises

and i am not even anti gun... second class citizens my fucking ass.... FUCK YOU

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO todays fun.

cause you know for every little up there is a cliff. i had purchased a nice spiral cut ham on sale. figured i could make a fuck load of fun things from it. dice it up for in salads, sandwiches since i found some nice dear god in heaven FIBER bread, put it in a lot of things. should last me the month. well that did not happen.

nope, open it on the counter. turn to get something else. goes from being stable to swimming in a big bowl of bleach that i was using to disinfect some other shit that was really needing a big bout of bleaching (old pet supplies and such) so then i reach in to get my now bleaching ham out of the bowl thinking OK only the edge got in. maybe i can rinse the fuck out of it and cut that off. NOPE, it fell out of the rest of the packaging it was in FULL INTO the VERY BLEACHED WATER... splashing me in the fucking eye in the process. so i had to throw the entire fucking thing away. the whole fucking thing. yay more money and stuff wasted.

also of note i have found that when i get angry now i also develop death gas. huge blasting wet sounding clear a city block with the stench farts. on command. that is always fun to be screaming out some damn anger and simulcast wet farts.

I really hope you are enjoying the hell out of this Brahma. i know some of my readers will.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO todays fun.

cause you know for every little up there is a cliff. i had purchased a nice spiral cut ham on sale. figured i could make a fuck load of fun things from it. dice it up for in salads, sandwiches since i found some nice dear god in heaven FIBER bread, put it in a lot of things. should last me the month. well that did not happen.

nope, open it on the counter. turn to get something else. goes from being stable to swimming in a big bowl of bleach that i was using to disinfect some other shit that was really needing a big bout of bleaching (old pet supplies and such) so then i reach in to get my now bleaching ham out of the bowl thinking OK only the edge got in. maybe i can rinse the fuck out of it and cut that off. NOPE, it fell out of the rest of the packaging it was in FULL INTO the VERY BLEACHED WATER... splashing me in the fucking eye in the process. so i had to throw the entire fucking thing away. the whole fucking thing. yay more money and stuff wasted.

also of note i have found that when i get angry now i also develop death gas. huge blasting wet sounding clear a city block with the stench farts. on command. that is always fun to be screaming out some damn anger and simulcast wet farts.

I really hope you are enjoying the hell out of this Brahma. i know some of my readers will.

well 40 bucks disappeared out of my wallet. someone got richer. i hope it was someone that actually needed it and not someone that went out and bought drugs and beer or a hooker. Ok i will allow the hooker. and maybe some pot. but still it sucks all the anuses. it is not like i am filled with money. the power bill came in and went up the amount i lost. so i guess 40 is an important number right now. or just strangely everywhere.

my depression is getting deeper. even while shopping for the month with Kyr and then ritual and then Mae-Lin Panda and Jon Fazekas visiting i kept having periods of just horribleness under the joy. even when i tried beyond belief to just be in the moment which usually is not something i have to try when people are around me or i am having fun it was like seeing a placid pond with joyful bird and wonderful nature and the dead floating bloated bodies of loved ones JUST under the surface of the crystal pond. my eyes always feel like i have been crying hard. even though i have not. everything seems so hollow and useless. but i keep slogging through just wanting to lay down and let the swamp take me. but i never do. and i never will for some reason.

i am hoping that the depression gets deep enough for me to not eat for a few months again. i lost 150lbs once like that. yeah probably nearly killed me but hey i would be thinner. then maybe i would not be so hideous. and yes i feel that way. how can i not. Part of it comes from the decades of abuse for being fat. part of it is the illness i feel as i lose it all and how i look now since while the fat is gone the skin is not. part of it is some of the things said to me and around me by people i really love and care for. both past and present. reactions of disgust at other fat people that come from them. i just know that must be how they think of me but are just to polite to say something to me about it. part of me wishes i could go back to being someone that was honestly happy to be alone. it might hurt less. but alas i am a very social needy leach anymore. i hate being alone. i wish i was something that made people happy to look on.

i know it is the depression making it all worse than it is. but clinical depression like diabetes is a hell of a slave master. and most of the time i really think i deserve both of them and more. life was so much better when i just lived for others and never thought of me at all. i know what Buddha found when he found that. being told to think of myself and that i could not give from an empty well and to learn self love... it all fundamentally changed me and made me a worse person. i would have been fine with dying doing what i was doing. and i would have lived a good life doing that. and then i would do it again and again.

Talking on the phone to insurance people and doctors should not leave me feeling like i ran not only a marathon but also feeling like i just got back from a funeral and was driven home by a blind epileptic through LA rush hour at 70 mph

So as most of us know as you get older your eyes get a little worse. well i am no exception. so i needed reading glasses. and i found a perfect pair in an unlikely place. a flea market. late 1800s. little metal case covered in leather that flaked off. lined in old velvet. springy wire arms. little lenses. perfect for steam punk anything. and the best part is unlike the other reading glasses i have found these ones are PERFECT. just PERFECT. nothing else worked like them at all. i have a greater range of vision and not eye hurt from wearing them.

well a few weeks ago i came home and was filled with pain and exhaustion. i had them hanging on the neck of my shirt since i had been using them. i took off my shirt without thinking cause pain and exhaustion tend to interfere with that. and they flew! and i had been looking for them for a while. i had basically given up at this point. at least for the moment. i had been considering going through something else to look for them. and i move something i had looked behind no less than ten times. probably more. and there they are. Covered in ferret drool. Aku had found them and got them that far. (sometimes i think he is far smarter than ANYONE can know...) but there they were needing a good cleaning at that point but in weeks of looking and moving everything i could not find them. leave Aku out for a while and BAM. I loves my ferret so much. and i am so relieved to have them back. all the other reading glasses suck.

well for the second week in a row. every single day. the internet cuts out. I have no idea why. then it gets fixed and i get back on late at night after i just fall into doing stuff. usually stuff that hurts.

i figured out a part of why i am so angry. what may be partially fueling this depression today and was going to make a big post about it filled with anger and bile and possibly just getting a lot out of my system like i so desperately need to. instead i stood in the kitchen for about an hour crying cause the internet went out. i want and need someone to share it with but then i realized that as i was starting to calm down that no one really would give a shit. or at least that has been the thing that i have gotten over the years that it was nothing of note. even though it was one of the only things i could ever take any pride in.

another thing that i keep getting hit with is the whole people who hurt you do not matter BULLSHIT. the only way you can truly hurt me is if you DO MATTER. yeah getting hit by cell phones and frostys and other shit can hurt, getting insults thrown at me can hurt. but those hurts are minor. those hurts while they do stack up and can eventually cause real pain take a lot of them to actually hurt like ONE comment from someone i really really love. and i know some of you recently have given me shit about being compared to people in my past who hurt me. the thing you never understood at all when i said that is thus. The ONLY reason those people in the past could hurt me is because they MATTER. they STILL MATTER to me. I have never stopped loving anyone. I may not like them much sometimes but i still love them. and guess what. when i say that you are reminding me of them it is because I thing YOU MATTER TOO. deeply. which is why people can hurt me.

I think maybe i have, even though i have bitched a LOT and complained a LOT over the last decade, kept a lot more bottled up inside me. more than i realized. I know some of what i have kept in. but this rancid poison is thick in me.

i am sorry.

my heart hurts. not like the organ but my emotional center. my chest feels like it is caving in. part of me wants to lie down and never wake again. but then i think about the mess i would leave for others to have to deal with and i know i cannot yet do that.

So New Years resolutions. I kinda gave those up a while ago but i think i will try some this year.
Change my diet harder. I am thinking nothing but lettuce. mmmmm lettuce. Just kidding. but really yeah i need to incorporate more of the good and less of the meh since i got rid of almost all the of the bad. the problem is a lot of the OH IT IS SO GOOD FOR YOU tastes like rancid compost... Celery, Cabbage, Kale, peppers of any type. a lot of the big Western World veggies (that being a poor fuck like myself without a lot of ways around to places like Pittsburgh and shit well this is what i got around if i want more variety) Also fuck the doctors. i am so bringing back the mega doses of garlic and onions. fuck my cholesterol. i do not care if it is 20 and should be like 60. i will fix that with ACTUALLY EATING EGGS! Also want more fish but FUCK is good fish expensive... So yeah i had this idea of making muffin sized quiches. i can make a variety of them in different flavour combos and use some Egg beaters to keep the cholesterol from being a big thing. I hate greasy foods. i do not eat a lot of fat (yes there is fat in cheese but outside of pennsic where i gave up all the fucks about what i eat i do not eat endless cheeses in real life cause well... it gets expensive so while i may have some with most meals it is not a BLOCK of cheese a meal. even still with all the cheese evidently it is not that fatty since my fucking cholesterol when i got the MILLION and ONE blood tests back in November showed my Cholesterol was LOW as fuck and so was my sodium... which is odd since i love the salt... So yeah. just going to start to make weird shit. in little bits so i can start eating little bits all the time. i got out of that again. Bad me. BAD. doing to much and not doing the right stuff. but i am not going to beat the fuck out of myself if i fuck up and i will give myself a few FUCK IT days a month. studies say those are damn good for you. do not go overboard but once or twice a month just going FUCK ALL THE THINGS and eating what the fuck you want will keep you from going bonkers eventually and eating your neighborhood in an orgy of pent up desire.

Going to try to do something creative and such every single fucking day. Already got a little bit of a start as i plan my garden this year and drew up some designs for things in it. I need a few new SMALL sketchbooks. all the little half sized and such ones i have are near full or full. i want books i can carry with me easily.
Along with this is getting all my shit organized. which will take all fucking year at this rate. but i am plowing forward anyway. even with the fact that every single time i get near complete with something something very bad will happen to fuck it all up. cause i have this annoying little elephant headed God who sits in my head playing a strange game with no rules and everything in existence with in arms reach is a playing piece with my Lion Headed Muse. They sit in a Blue Lotus drinking bubbly things and giggling like school kids for the most part. sometimes i want to set them both on fire. But yeah. i am dying with my lack of outlets. I want to paint and sculpt and make a mask and make boxes and all the other arts including music if i can ever get shit for that. like a good mic or something. and software and other things. who knows maybe in this lifetime it will happen. if not i am putting more dots in Good Shit next life

Also going to break down and go back to one of the mostly useless clinics now that one has opened near me. they are probably set up like the one in Beaver Falls but with less shit and services. they are the same group from Heritage Valley. just need to find out if they take my current insurance (probably not. i was told everyone here took it and spent a YEAR getting it and now no one gives two crippled diabetic fucks about it...) if not i get to play WAIT FOR INSURANCE! i want a real doctor. i need a real doctor. not interns who cannot sign any of these fucking papers people want me to have signed by them like stuff for transport or a Cripple tag or shit for my now 40 grand in student loans i cannot pay back. Interns at the Poor People Clinics cannot do much of anything for these problems. and you never keep an intern for long. then you have to train a new intern to be a doctor. cause really that is what happens. i did it for like a decade. every 2 years new doctor or as eventually happened in my last three years there a new doc every year. they never read ANYTHING in your record. they dismiss you and your knowledge of your own body cause obviously you know nothing about anything. it is all fucking annoying. I think my favourite (and yes there was a LOT of sarcasm in that) moment was with a new idiot who was pretending to read my file and was like WELL it seems you do not want any help with your depression. you refused medication! "Ummm i have a bottle of Prozac right here to get refilled... so what are you talking about?" it says here you refused Risperdol. "Umm yeah cause it tried to kill me" How would you know. "MY guess is that when i looked up the web site for the drug to see if what i was feeling was just some side effects and the symptoms i had were for a deadly reaction to the meds and i kinda had to call emergency stuff and drink enough water to drown a fish to flush it out and my doctor then was like GET RID OF THAT AND COME GET SOME PROZAC! that that was kinda an indication that MAYBE something was POSSIBLY wrong..." Why were you no longer on Prozac "you just know nothing about drug interactions do you.... it was giving me a lot of odd readings on my glucometer." It does not do that. "would you like me to print out the info for you."
yeah so stupid people... but i need meds. and this new clinic is close enough for to get rides to it. and i am tired of the FUCK YOU i have been getting from real doctors in this fucking town...

and lastly i am going to be making strides towards telling people that i love you but fuck off. to be honest i cannot describe what it is like that i have people that want me around even rarely. i look at me and only see the bad. i see the cripple that cannot keep up. i see the diabetic that has to have special care and do shit like eat often and that makes me not the most popular person sometimes. like having to rely on people so heavily for the set up of the WPAFW raffle last year. while i could barely think with no blood sugar. I see the me with phobias and health problems and allergies to the most fucking common shit like SUNLIGHT for fucks sake. so the fact anyone wants to be around me is just amazing. even more amazing is that there are people who want me to be at things and do things. and i want to do them. but honestly until i can at least fix me and my world a little i simply cannot do this shit. as some people have seen what takes a normal person a half hour is for me an ALL DAY THING. period. all damn day with lots of breaks and me wearing myself out to the point that i lay in bed crying silently to myself praying for either the release of sleep or death and i am not being overly dramatic here. it fucking hurts that much. sometimes so bad i cannot even think. i used to think that the line Mind washed white with pain was just poetry. Nope it is reality. it is like your brain is covered in quilting batting and the edges of your vision have gone white and foggy and thinking is nigh impossible. i get to the point that everything that happens around me at that point is to much to bear. a simple noise that would not bother me becomes a siren in my ear. the movements around me become threats and i have to retreat. and to make it all better after a day like that movement is just mostly out of the question. so what takes someone a half an hour of work can not only take me all day but put me out of commission for a week. and Pennsic and other things take me MONTHS of shit to try to get ready for. Months of shit that i am now unable to do anything in my own home for me or my pets or anything else during. and that cannot be. not any more. the mess is such that when i am finally able to move again sometime near halloween it takes me til spring to clean up again and then it all starts again. so this year i do not want to hurt people but i am going to unless a miracle happens just tell most people to fuck off... cause people tend not to listen to me seriously until i get angry. so yeah... i have things i need to do here. we have big cracks in the walls that need patched. i have a garden that is supposed to feed me and supplement my food since food keeps getting more and more expensive. and other things. so i have to prioritize shit. i just have to.

snow to the north of me! snow to the south of me! snow to the west and east! and NOTHING HERE! WHY THE FUCK DO WE NEVER GET SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I AM WATCHING THE STORM PART LIKE THE DAMN RED SEA FOR SUSANOWO'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THEN IT CLOSES UP RIGHT WHEN IT GETS PAST!

can someone tell me what is so important about Welsh Rarebit. i have seen the recipe posted everywhere of late. was asked to maybe make it for a gathering and last night dreamed that a Vast AI that ruled over many other AI beings also wanted me to make it and was doing everything it could including killing people to make sure i could. Not that it killed many people but it was definitely not fucking around with the people in the check out. which was kinda bad since this AI was a very kind caring AI. but it wanted that Welsh Rarebit NOW DAMNIT! i really am at a loss as to why open face grilled cheese with tomato soup is that damn important.

it's fucked when you want to post something. anything positive but cannot really think of anything other than the littlest shit. and even in the recalling of it get reminded of the fact that the shit fairy has been riding on your shoulder for so long you can barely remember anything happy. even when you know you had a few of those moments today. yet i just keep going on and on. and somedays i hate it.