So. i really need to word things more carefully. i mean as a DM i should know better. i really should. I won powerball.... Just the powerball. which from what i heard on the radio means i will get four bucks. i will try not to spend it all in one place and spread it around a bit.

I am sorry for not posting much of anything for a while. i have not done much art at all lately. still have bad programing in my head that says that art is not real work and real work must be done before anything fun.

I am also sorry for posting nothing but rather negative shit in my journals. but yeah not much happy to post about. other than going to Lil Dobes for thanksgiving. just a lot of suck of late.

well here it is almost three am. sitting here on facebook... in a few hours i will be in a chair with a dottering old man hovering over me menacingly shoving a giant syringe in my face like a chrome and glass dick of an invading robot bent on my destruction. not a kindly warm flesh and blood dick shoved into my face. but a cold impaling thing. I am so terrified i am almost beyond reason. but it is right now at the point of giving up and being resigned to my fate and not fighting it. and my response from the most recent bout of it will be ok

see people keep telling me this. that i will be fine. but i never am. i just die a little more each time i face those god damn syringes. a little more of my sanity goes. a little more of my will to live goes. and i lose more and more of the joy in my life. it never seems to come back. I am still occasionally waking up near screaming from thursday. everyone is telling me i will be in so much fucking pain i will probably throw up like they did. or be useless for days. Not being able to have the Thanksgiving feast and having so many things that need done before me already has me at a serious low.

so yeah. that is where i am right now. i am cold and feel clamy and sweat covered even though i am dry. I am just thinking on how to maybe make this suck a little less and being just... i do not know what. I always hear that that which does not kill you makes you stronger. i guess that is not true for all of us. i am not brave. i am not strong. i am just defeated and trudging along as is befitting a beaten thing.

Well that fucking sucked. ALL THE DICKS! and i have to go back monday.... The guy KNOWING i have a syringe phobia. not only showed me what had to have been his pride and joy from the victorian ear of dentistry but tried to shove it in my mouth before saying hi. so instead he pulled it back when i flinched and accidentally stabbed me in the fucking shoulder with it... he had all the bedside manner of your average raging Hun and at one point he was going to stab me into my brain through the roof of my mouth again so i asked for a moment to calm and he was ok Pray. Are you Catholic? I said no. "well then you do not need to pray" STAB!

i am currently woozy as all hell. when the tooth got yanks i felt a sharp pain all the way up to my scalp. i suddenly gto so dizzy i could not keep my eyes open and i am still shaking and weak. like the kind of shaking i get not only after a lot of fear but also coupled with no blood sugar. On the other hand my powerful platelets of ever binding have kicked in and it is done bleeding. Also other good news NO MORE SHARK TEETH! this will never happen like this again... YAY! all down to the normal human amount of teeth now! well less some since you know they want to rip out another on monday... i am not at all looking forward to that. especially since i am pretty sure i will be walking

there was a reason it was in Pandora's Box...

So yeah fuck you! Fuck you insurance. Fuck you doctors. Fuck you until you bleed from your hair tips. fuck you with badly glued back together glass dildos with small bombs in them. fuck you utterly and completely. fuck you.

a YEAR of changing insurance and trying to get appointments and calling and getting nowhere and waiting for this or that new card or insurance... A YEAR of no meds. My blood sugar occasionally getting over 400 (though according to some research the megadoses of Vitamin C can evidently present that as a false thing so whatever... evidently everything i was on can do that... fuckers avandia and Glucophage can do that. taking prozac with diabetic meds can do that.) but yeah woke up after a finally good nights sleep. feeling so excellent. called the dentist and i have an appointment and can get this damn tooth out as long as i face my absolute greatest most debilitating fear and survive it. again. considering it has almost brought on stroke and heart attack before. this should be easy... i am already shaking thinking about it and am fighting off the reliving the syringe in my eye memories... so i call the doctor AGAIN for the millionth time to try to get an appointment. HAHAHAHA i got a real live person! finally! it has only been since fucking AUGUST! and i get. I am sorry but you cannot be a patient here since we have not participated in UPMC for you in 2 years... wait whut... back earlier this year when i was asking if you took Coventry insurance you said you did not take that but did take UPMC plans... now you tell me you take none of it and have not been accepting new patients even though i had to get a car reissued and wait for months for that cause one doctor left your practice and i had to wait for a replacement... WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF!

it has been OVER A YEAR since i have had access to anything other than a fucking ER. No meds other than the once left over from my forgetfulness and a million fucking suppliments that i am not even sure are working. Other than the blood workup from the ER visit a little while ago that showed that my blood glucose is insane (probably) but several other things were LOW. (i guess everything else is fine according to the two pages of things listed)

and the worst part is i have been trying to find a Doctor since i moved to ellwood 5 years ago. 5 fucking years of sorry we do not take SSI people cause you suck intestinal parasites like you already are. or sorry no new patients and of course the always lovely we do not take THAT insurance... the old clinic i was at even though the "doctors" there were enough of a doctor that i could get prescriptions from them and all that shit were not good enough for my fucking student loan dickweeds. Nope has to be a real PCP and has to have been seeing you for 7 years and must know the wrinkle pattern of your puckered anal rose. so not only was i not getting the care i needed but what i was getting did not even count by the people who were all we need medical info about you to say Yeah you is a cripple and fucked by life... not to mention every two years a new doctor who you personally had to train cause reading your fucking medical record would take to much time. like the second to the last Bitch who came in all high and mighty at me telling me i was a dick for refusing anti depressants cause she saw i discontinued the one that Nearly Killed me with some deadly ass syndrome... not that i had already tried others and was there to get my prozac refilled along with exam...

and people wonder why i want to fucking give up. Now i am going to have to go doctor hunting again. and then jump through insurance hoops again. i fucking wish Obama care was actually kicked in fully so these fuckers could not pull this shit. fuck all the things

So yeah. i am thinking of canceling everything here. I do not right now believe that the ceiling will ever be fixed. that the house will ever be even near clean since every time i clean part of it it is undone in seconds. and it really feels like no one else here gives a shit that our house is a post apocalyptic nightmare. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I love doing this stuff so much. it makes me feel happy and even somewhat well when i have people here for those feasts. and making food for people is how i show my love for others. i am sorry.

I feel a little safer now.

So yeah. ER visits tend to suck. Went in because my wisdom tooth which has been pushing out is biting into my jaw. the pain today was so fucking stupid it made me woozy. so i am all FINE maybe they can give me the joy of something that MIGHT take the edge off and maybe recommend a closer income based tooth beater upper. So there i am. the "doctor" comes in. *note that when you go in you fill out paper work that SAYS WHY THE FUCK YOU ARE THERE! and what all is wrong with you...*

' it says you have a wisdom tooth coming in. you cannot have that. that is impossible you are like what 50 that happens just once when you are 18..."
Ah no i have one pushing out from it's socket. it is being pushed out. and at an weird angle so it is biting into my jaw
' No that is impossible. that is not what is happening. Open your mouth. *sticks in tongue depressor* It looks like it will fall out soon *wiggles it violently* it is pushed out it is probably just infected though so it cannot be that it is biting into your jaw. hmmm seem to have some damage to your lower jaw too."

Outwardly i am calm though probably giving her one hell of an eye... Inwardly i am table flipping the fucking room and setting fire to her.

then a nurse comes in and decided to take my blood glucose. it was ugly as i expected with the whole NO REAL MEDS SINCE FOREVER!

then i get the diagnosis i never wanted.... again. Are you ready for it.

YOU ARE DIABETIC ! there are not enough galaxies in the universe to spell out the DUH for that one. so they take ALL THE BLOOD! which of course has me in a huge panic cause once i get over a certain amount of pain in me i just fucking loose it over anything and well YEAH i am way over that now... and whatever they used to take my blood from my finger for the initial test was made of some sort of mystic metal of non clot! cause fuck it is was like i was hit in an artery! so much blood from a finger tip... for fucks sake. meanwhile the tubes and tubes from my arm barely left a drop after it was taken out. i mean just fuck.

So like far to many fucking times in my life the news that i am fucking diabetic makes everything else take a fucking back seat. i was left to sit in the fucking room for an hour by myself in the dark crying my fucking eyes out cause when i was tense and freaking from the night of a million vials it made me clench my teeth. which made the pain that much worse. SO MUCH WORSE! and then they come back with insulin to shot me up with. making me freak more. making my jaw clench more. at this point i am just fucking gone and am now convinced they are going to just kill me so the government will not have to shell out money on something as worthless as me.

A while later the "doctor" comes back in Pronouncing I AM DIABETIC AND THIS MUST BE TAKEN CARE OF NOW NOW NOW! EVERYTHING IS NOW ABOUT THE DIABETES! I ended up having to ask the nurse to remind her of why i came there and why i was covered in more tears than a roomful of kids that just watched a clown kill the class room pet with a squirting flower full of acid... Two hours of just insanity.

and then cause life loves to kick me in the jimmies. i finally find out why the fuck i have been having a hell of a time getting a fucking appointment! THEY MOVED TO A NEW LOCATION! THEY FUCKING MOVED AND DID NOT CHANGE THE OLD OFFICE SIGN! and it is now WAY OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY TO WALK TO... i guess near Giant Eagle which is miles from here. I cannot walk that far on my best day. All this fucking year worth of fucking insurance card bingo and bullshit to get a place within walking distance and they moved to far far away land...

Inside i want to just go out and kiss an oncoming semi truck. me with full on tongue action and them coming at me at about 70 mph.

Also the fucking doctor of course had to make fun of me for my phobia. cause reliving getting a syringe pushed in your fucking eye while being strapped down and unable to move... yep that is something you should have gotten over when you grew up...

At least the blood taker nurse was nice enough. and did not make fun of me for freaking out.

i got home and took meds and tried to get something done upstairs but now i am just fucking dizzy and the pain is coming back and i took both pills they gave me to get anything to stop as it was... I have no idea how the hell i am going to get back and forth to the fucking doctors now... Kelson will move back to Columbus sometime soon and every time i come to rely on anything it gets fucked up so i am scared to try to rely on Joel and Danny for fear that something will fuck up with them and hurt them now. thats why i wanted something i could walk to...

evidently a bunch of the ceiling came down in the living room this morn. have not yet seen the damage since i dwell in the pit. HORRAY!

horray for more fucking roof damage. Dave does not remember if we have storm coverage since the insurance changed, and we cannot get hold of the guy that fixed the roof last time. Achievement Unlocked: New Ceiling damage! this achievement allows water to access your computer from the roof. and pour on all important documents and mail. New Mini Game Unlocked. Check all the totes in the attic to see if they are filled with water and bail the fuckers out. Increased difficulty Fat crippled fucks cannot play since the roof would collapse under my fucking weight if i got past the fucking weak ass stairs up there in the first place.

So in cleaning up what little i am getting done i found i have a Whole new huge project i am not even sure how to tackle right now. i have a feeling this is going to be a start from scratch project. the cover for my 125 gallon tank... is completely falling apart. the metal screen i used as a base is rusted to within a micrometer of it's life. the PVC frame has given up in a few areas. and three lights on it burned out all at once. cause that is fun to do... so i need to devise a New and Improved lid. I have a few ideas but not sure how i am going to do it or afford it right now. but i am thinking something like a old victorian glass top for a fish tank with doors. that way i can also start to grow other types of water plants in there too. but that is going to require a bit of plexiglas and other framing.

said in the voice of Dr Morpheus from Venture Bros.

I shall take my leave of this place For I NEED a SHOWER. Yay there are Smells coming from me that would REND YOUR MORTAL SOUL INTO RIBBONS! The LIKES of which have not been known since CTHULHU ROSE THAT FATEFUL DAY BACK IN THE SPRING OF 1925! THIS STENCH WOULD WITHER EVEN HIS BLASTED EYES. By Their Foulness shalt thee know them. and i would folly even them with this disguise!

for those who do not know the voice here is an example
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkWD50Pz7sk

I think i have gone crazy. and not in that good way. there are to many people in my head fighting with me. far to many. I hope what i have planned for Halloween helps me. cause i am a volatile fucktard at the moment. I have been doing damn good to not let nearly the frustration and anger i am feeling from getting out to much. some is slipping out though. Sorry Tristan. Sorry to others.

On this thought train though. i know a lot of people have been angry at me for trust issues i have. yeah it is getting bad. they always say they are not the other people that hurt me so damn bad. they seem to think that these other people that hurt me so damn bad were assholes from the start. they were not. they were people i loved and cared about deeply and trusted with my life at the time. that is why those wounds are so deep. those people in my past that did things to me. were people i would have given anything for. those betrayals and backstabs and other things would barely have meant shit had they came form other assholes. and trust me i have had those kinds of people in my life too and their actions meant little. so when i am getting skittish and freaking out cause i am now feeling like i am in one of those situations where i am beign fucked again realize that those people that left me broken like this were people i trusted and loved. and it also means that you whom ever you are that is seeing me act like this. that you too are someone i trust and love. otherwise i would write it off.

today has sucked. for so many reasons. honestly had a panic attack earlier from it all. I feel defeated and worthless from it all. i wonder what the hell i have done. i look and see i have left nothing to the world. i am feeling very strangely mortalesque. yet knowing i have survived more shit that a voltron made of cats that are also made of smaller cats driven by cats i know i will survive this. and be more scarred and fucked up from it all. I need to find somewhere to ask someone who has amputated limbs what it is like. i always figured the stump would hurt after wearing them all day. not that i am like going to be losing a limb this week or anything. but my legs and feet get worse all the damn time. so it is really only a matter of time. even if medical science came up with a breakthrough tomorrow i would never get it. Poor people do not get shit. even when we get the free medicine we get the shit meds. read an article on how generic drugs rea
lly are the shit. in a bad way most of the time. I know there are like all these new awesome ways to get insulin in you that do not involve a needle. for i am greatly terrified of syringes. NONE of those are covered by my insurance. i get the Pen which is a disguised syringe of true absolute torture. it looks like a pen. but then you the dear diabetic get to take the cover off revealing a nightmarish glass syringe body that YOU PERSONALLY HAVE TO PUT THE FUCKING NEEDLE TIP ONTO AND THEM PUSH OUT THE AIR BUBBLE! LEST IT GOES IN YOUR BLOOD STREAM AND KILLS YOU! thats the best i can get. thats it. my last insurance gave me 4 days of physical therapy a YEAR. four days. that will clear shit up. I am filled with anger and fear and desperation and feel like going back on my ill fated diet of only lettuce. as it is when i do finally after months of trying get a fucking doctors appointment i am going to have them try to get me the stomach death treatment. i mean barbaric surgery. i mean baraitric surgery. nearly ever single male i know has died from it. but i should be the exception. right now i honestly feel murderous and suicidal. i finally get a chance to clean and get crippled in a whole new and even more fundamentally fucked up way... i have so much i want to say and yet none of it can really be typed out. hell i am probably going to delete this shit later. not being a troll but this is honestly some fucked up shit i am typing here. and i just feel like no one fucking cares much at all anyway. and i swear if i get fed one more spoonful of that shit called hope. i am going to vomit over everything in the world. and i will eat hot spicy food and corn to make it all that much more disgusting. for decades i have been being fed hope and all it does it hurt more and more each time it fails.

Not enough profanity in the universe right now. Just went to find the Mandarin Orange robe to wash it. Guess what is not where it is supposed to be. Guess what i so far cannot find anywhere. No robe and developing one hell of a throat cold/flu. FUCK OFF UNIVERSE. just please fuck off. you can kill me AFTER the WPAFW.

So when is someone going to make a good horror movie with the hero using Sacramental Wine Molotov Cocktails and Ancient Buddhist Holy Sutras written on Chinese paper yo-yos for weapons

I have a lot of things i would like to post Both angry and hopeful. I have a lot i would like to do but honestly i am barely online right now since real life is so damn important right now. when i am on it is because i am either walking up or gong to bed or simply sitting for a few so i can try to continue doing shit. i was not even home at all on Sunday. most days i am trying so fucking hard to push past the pain to do things that i am not on. I say this cause i am getting a little tired of some people acting like if i am not on it is because i have a hate on for them. I really really really do not need one more fucking negative thing.


and because i know that (thankfully) most every person i know has no fucking idea what living with chronic pain is like i will tell you something beyond the Spoon analogy which simply tells how it is to deal with it. I thought of something that MOST people have had to deal with. the flu. Have you ever had one of those Flu episodes where every muscle and joint hurts beyond anything you want to stand so you either medicate to no end or sleep it off. the kind where you can feel a wind current cause it feels like it is bruising you. those kinds of Flu that make you wish you could turn off existence for a few days so you can feel better. Imagine that that NEVER ENDS! Period. it is with you every mother fucking minute of every fucking day. but you are not sniffling and sneezing or shitting your brains out. just the pain. so no one sees that you are in that pain. but you are and people expect you to just push through it every fucking day. Oh and forget your fucking pain pills. those are actually just tic tacs and do not even taste good. that is your every fucking day. and unlike with a flu you cannot take off a day or week and get back into the swing cause it never fucking ends. ever. you just have to get used to it and try to push through when every single thing in your hurts. and your every movement makes the pain more.

welcome to my world. yes i sometimes seem to deal with it better than others but that does not mean i am cured or better. it simply means i had a day i could deal with it better.

And fucked up and nuked all my fucking journals... i had a chunk of them that i had never deleted from almost dating back a year... interesting things. plus of course weeks worth of unread ones. fuckshitpistolgripninjapizzasemenstainedfromage

and i am sure i am missing delicious drama and heaping platefuls of interesting... well ok i am not really missing the drama but i do miss the interesting stuff some people post about. and now it is all gone... shitnipples

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/bu.....us-statue-ohio

“It was the loudest, craziest, most disturbing thing I have ever seen,” said McDonald’s employee Darren Bick. “One minute I’m typing an order into the computer, the next minute there is a thunderous noise, the building shakes, and the face of Jesus is pressed staring at me through my drive thru window. I’m going to have nightmares. If I ever sleep again.”

http://boingboing.net/2012/08/25/le.....of-acta-w.html

The Trans-Pacific Partnership is the son of ACTA, a secretive copyright and trade treaty being negotiated by the Pacific Rim nations, including the USA and Canada. As with ACTA, the secretive negotiation process means that the treaty's provisions represent an extremist corporate agenda where due process, privacy and free expression are tossed out the window in favor of streamlined copyright enforcement. If this passes, America will have a trade obligation to implement all the worst stuff in SOPA, and then some. The Electronic Frontier Foundation's Carolina Rossini and Kurt Opsahl explain:

TPP article 16.3 mandates a system of ISP liability that goes beyond DMCA standards and U.S. case law. In sum, the TPP pushes a framework beyond ACTA[1] and possibly the spirit of the DMCA, since it opens the doors for:

* Three-strikes policies and laws that require Internet intermediaries to terminate their users’ Internet access on repeat allegations of copyright infringement

* Requirements for Internet intermediaries to filter all Internet communications for potentially copyright-infringing material

* ISP obligations to block access to websites that allegedly infringe or facilitate copyright infringement

* Efforts to force intermediaries to disclose the identities of their customers to IP rightsholders on an allegation of copyright infringement.

I have a serious question.

Why is Child Molestation not just called rape. it is just as life altering and destroying. The violation is the same whether or not you are old enough to understand it. trust me i know.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haiyore!_Nyaruko-san

HOW COULD NO ONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS! OMFG SO FUNNY!

http://www.animefreak.tv/watch/nyar.....isode-1-online

LOVECRAFTIAN ANIME and so many damn gamer jokes! I am up to episode 2 right now and just all the parodies in it amaze me! BRILLIANT! just so damn funny.

So i looked out the window as i prepared to come down for bed and a little work before hand. and the fog was thick. My legs were hurting kinda bad but still i desired a walk. so i put on my shoes and shirt and grabbed my cane of wood and left the door. it was pleasant. i rounded the block and saw a cat. it was of course scared of me like many of the strays i meet around this side of town. i think people must hurt them a bit. but it started to in a lo crouch step away from me. and a small part of it's shadow did as well. Odd i thought. is that a little mouse or vole. so i continued walking towards the cat and the lump. and the cat finally took off and there laying crouched in the tiniest ball was a tiny grey mouse. wet of fur and terrified of nature. I took the little beast up and placed him in my shirt. he is a young mouse and he stayed put in my shirt the whole way home. Now he is in a critter keeper with toilet paper and a toilet paper roll tube and some apple which when i left him so he did not look upon me with fright he was taking too. tomorrow hopefully i can get to the bigger mouse cage in the garage. the one with two levels and good running wheel and nice bottle and little hidey holes and such. Brahma as a mouse has experienced being saved in the nick of time and Brahma as me have gotten to feel useful twice this day. Once in service to a friend and once bringing a little one home that he may live safe and well. He is a cutey indeed. i hope to get pictures. well i know i can get them but until a USB hub magically shows up it will not be posted.

not really but i was told to make more interesting titles to journals.

just a call out to locals that my fat fucking crippled ass needs a bit of help around here as fall is coming in like a MOFO and i have a lot around here that needs done but a body that is as worthless as it is ugly.