Damn I haven't updated since I moved? Wow. Ok.

Objectively, things are stable(ish). I have a house, a dog, two cats, and a partner and a job that pays a good portion of my bills.

But it doesn't pay all of them...so there's a lot of anxiety going on...and also depression. I've been trying to get into some better positions to pay off my debts but it's only marginally better.

I've been in a rut of failure too and man that sucks when you have high insecurities. I couldn't even play games without being judged and being told I'm bad. I fell back into some old bad habits that I'm not proud of.

Also the answer to my previous journal is clear now. ADHD. It's ADHD.

It's been a few months since I've been out of school and it's just so nice not having deadlines or reports or whatever (i do kinda miss studying french so I'm probably gonna pick that up again. Tenses are hard though D:)

I've been really wanting to write but I just have this sort of block-ish thing. Like I have ideas, i have many ideas, the best ideas but then I sit in front of a computer and *pbbt* it's gone. My mind is as blank as the page in front of me. What is this? Is this a subtype of art block?

As we speak I am filling out an application for a job and get my ass out of Florida. I'm honestly terrified and excited because I've never moved out state before so it's going to be a new experience all around. Fingers crossed that this works out because I'm tired of job searching lol.

Uuugghhh

I can't wait to get out of this state. I've been job searching but no luck. Sure, I have means to leave right now but there's still loose ends that need to be dealt with. No one wants to deal with taxes in another state.

Still though it's frustrating. I just want to get my career started TwT

Well it's Christmas Eve so close enough lol

I'm so glad I'm taking a bit of time off after this year. I wasn't able to do a big road trip like I wanted but after seeing a blizzard barrel through all the states we wanted to visit...I'm good lmao.

I honestly can't wait to start doing art again. I miss drawing, I miss writing. It'll help me get my mind off of things because now that I've graduated, I'm in the "now what?" phase which I guess wouldn't be so bad if the fucking pandemic didn't fuck things sideways *raises fists in air in anguish*. I'm hesitant about my career choice now in particular but you know I didn't pay $30k to not use the knowledge I've gained in some manner.

Anyway...I hope y'all stay safe and have a wonderful rest of the year.

FOR REAL THIS TIME

I got the e-mail confirmation and everything. To put this in perspective, I have been taking college classes off n on since 2008. I'VE DONE MY WAITING! TWELVE YEARS OF IT! Agonizing process of grants, loans, and self-pay all led up to this. It is a profound understatement to say that I am relieved.

Still....

I'm not all that happy. Despite getting Latin Honors I feel like it's not enough because I didn't finish sooner. Yeah yeah life isn't a race blah blah but it's not really about that. I wanted mom to be there too. After she died I just didn't want to go back to school because I thought "What's the point?". I spent about five or so years trying to be better. Better grades, better attitude, better outlook, better treatment etc only for her to say "I'm not proud of you. I like you less now than I had before."

You know prior to that I didn't really have a grasp on what "ugly cry" was.

The sad thing is that we were never close so it's not like I have any nostalgic memories I want to bring back or anything. I thought that if I became more like myself and not faking happiness all the time then maybe something would grow from that? Now I feel like I failed because I didn't try hard enough or I wasn't fast enough. Her friends and my remaining family are all "oh she was always so proud of you" and honestly that's more infuriating than comforting.

Is there anything anyone can say to make me feel better? No, not really. I don't know how long it will be before this will heal but I'm going to do my best to be my best.

2020 is almost over and man, I thought some of the previous years were bad...but I guess few things will really affect me anymore. I've already been there/done that for a whole lot of shit so like even if something else happens I mean yeah I'll be upset but not to the levels from this past year. So there's that.

Anyway...now that I'm out of school I'll definitely be focusing on more art-related stuff for mostly my own well-being. It's cathartic, it's fun, etc.

Oh my God.

Four years ago, Americans in "more important parts" of the country elected a stupid, whining, piece of shit. For a while, many who were against it would chant "not my president" or some variant and they were told "Yes he is, deal with it". (For the sake of keeping this shorter than it needs to be, let's not discuss the callings for Obama to be lynched by various hate-groups and keep this somewhat recent because I know people have president amnesia).
So from 2016 and the next four years of this god-awful administration we have dealt with a fuck load of bullshit from them and his supporters. And then there's the """moderate""" who "didn't like Trump but was better than the alternative"....whatever....if you think a failed businessman can run the economy of an extremely large and complex country then good for you? I waited patiently for these """moderates""" to see reason that electing a petulant man-child who couldn't keep a casino(!) afloat would not be a good idea. They kept repeating "oh he'll change his tune" about his fucking fits and tantrums because "responsibility" or whatever.

Fast forward to the primaries and the DNC for SOME STUPID FUCK MOTHERING REASON decided to push the worst polling candidates onto the American people because they severely misjudged how fucking stupid Trump's followers are and, yet again, pretty much ignored the American people when Trump was holding constant rallies of "look how great I am". For how narcissistic he is, I will give him that he knows how to market a brand. The Democrats decided to let him do it and then go "see what you did?" then later push that they're the better party...yet don't really show it that much. Yes, I get it. The Senate had the majority of Republicans but honestly that really only goes so far. While Trump was working people up, Democrats (yet again) just assumed that they have the vote because Trump is a bigoted dumbass.

So now, election day came and went, and people (while voting in record numbers, good on them) only marginally prefer Biden over Trump. (Oh, btw, Trump has improved his demographic in all but the white male category.) I'm not really *happy* as much as I am relieved that Joe is likely to win. I don't like Biden but I have more hope that he will work for all people and not call everyone who doesn't like him an enemy of democracy/America. I truly, TRULY do not understand how people do not see the irony of them claiming "Biden will take away our rights!" and yet these ""patriotic supporters of America"" decide that they can storm a polling area armed to the teeth? These same people that condemn rioting? These "proper law-abiding citizens" intended to kill fucking volunteer poll workers/ballot counters. What happened to the right to vote? Oh sure sure gotta make sure that these "mystery ballots" are from "legal citizens" because "who knows what happens with-" yadda yadda yadda--have they never voted before? Do they not realize that you don't just scribble on a random paper and hand it in?

And these """moderates""" I mentioned seem nowhere to be found. How many are calling these psychos out? How many are attempting to protect the volunteers? It's true that "liberals eat their own" because, for better or worse, liberals want to be held to a higher standard and hold others accountable. Reds' ability to unify is commendable YET THIS is not something one should align themself with for the *sake* of unity.

God I just cannot believe the absurd level of cognitive dissonance and hypocrisy that has been going on since Tuesday. All liberals did was do protest marches. Fine if you find them annoying but they were harmless. Downright harassing people for ensuring that EVERY VOTE is valid and counted?

You know, when I was on a dating app (shut up), one of the "match questions" was "Which right is more important; the right to vote or the right to bear arms". There was an unsettling amount of people that did not select the right to vote. Of all the screaming and shaming of people not voting because "those vets in afghanistan are fighting for democracy" they sure as hell don't seem to hold it in high regard compared to just shooting someone who disagrees.

My birthday is tomorrow. It is also election day which is kind of ass because I'm pretty sure I know the outcome and it sucks. Everything sucks this year.

I'm going to Savannah GA this weekend with my fiance for one last visit before we move impossibly far away. I'm thinking of taking some pics of my favorite places so I can draw them later.

Also NaNoWriMo! I always try to participate but life happens or I forget or I just don't know what to write. Well I'm hoping I can dedicate a bit of time to do a little bit of writing since I cut two days off my work schedule. Not the next "Great American Novel" or anything but something to help me get back into the flow and isn't that what really matters?

Or I'll just write porn

I'm pretty run down already and it's only morning. In a few hours I'll be signing away my mom's house...on her birthday of all days. On the one hand, I'll have enough money to live just about anywhere I want. That makes me relieved. On the other hand, I didn't want it to be like this. I would trade it all if I could because then I'd still have hope that we could reconcile. That means more to me than money.
What angers me is all of her friends and family telling me "oh she was always so proud of you and she loved you so much" because I know those are empty words. The last thing she said to me was how she wasn't proud of me, that she hated who I became...all because I came out to her four years ago and was asking for her to recognize that for my wedding.
I guess that was too much to ask for.

I feel like this is a chicken/egg scenario.

It's an understood that job searching sucks ass and when I was young, it was beaten into my head that "ya gotta get that degree so employers will believe you're smart enough for the job".
So now I'm getting that degree and lo and behold, it's almost worthless? All these listings on the myriad of job sites are pretty much the same. "We want 2 years experience minimum, preferable 5 years experience. Bachelor's optional."
Knowledge is Knowledge for one thing. What does it matter if you read it from a book or had it happen to you? Second, if you only take experienced people then how can that be sustainable if you have no new blood coming in?
What is it about this society needing to have someone ready to go as soon as they step foot in the door? What happened to investing in people? Not even investing money in stocks is a guarantee and that shit is popular as hell.
I understand the theory behind it but it's just so goddamn short sighted. Where did this come from? Did "need experience" beat this into us or is society is so demanding of "satisfaction now" that it bled into the job market?

Ask me literally anything. Wholesome stuff, naughty stuff, irrelevant stuff, worldly stuff.

I'm bored af

Yeah so, i know i've been inactive for a very long time. I've been trying to get back into being in the furry community but, tbh, it's hard for me. Not just furry but any community, idk why. Probably because the past year kinda wrecked me. I had a bad flu during December and was working like fucking 15 hour days. My roommate kicked me out in January, my Nana died in February, my mom died in March and yeah I'm kinda over this plague shit right now.
I am planning on posting things (for real this time!). I have a few stories planned out and subsequent comics (WHOA). Currently though, I'm finishing up my last two classes for my Bachelor's degree, I'm getting married in December, and probably (hopefully) moving in February.

As a disclaimer (that I'll add into the stories too), they're going to be some uncomfortable situations and I don't condone anything of it. It was just a small thing that popped into my mind and it grew from there and I just wanted to explore that story.

I hope to finish the first chapter by the end of the month. But if not, i'll be lurking as usual.

'aaaayyyyy

I'm in a creativity craving and want to do comics on the side. It'll be a combination of work shenanigans and just general scenarios that I think may be amusing.

But like, every single comic I have seen was mostly digital and I am not a digital artist and I don't wanna relearn how to draw using technology. I dunno what do?

Stan Lee was a hero to me. I was fortunate to meet him at Megacon. When I was getting his autograph, I was too flustered to say anything but "thank you" which isnt enough
He helped spark my creativity and taught me that anyone can make an impact on the world, no matter how humble the origin. He may be dead but his legacy will live on.

Excelsior

What I've found through the years of studying and working and crap is that I really like art. I don't like it enough to make a career out of it but it's a nice hobby to pass the time. The downside is that sometimes i find myself lacking in any significant time to relax. I usually get distracted by one thing or another. I hope that I'm able to manage myself a bit better and have some time to decompress and possibly post more art on here.

God damn. I just started school on monday but UNF decided to be hip with the kids and change their layout which affected Canvas (like Blackboard but newer). My courses are online. One of them never got published until just now and the other I couldn't respond to discussions. The class that wasn't published until today also doesn't have a full syllabus up so not only am I behind but I'm not sure what chapters will be covered in the quiz (due in three days)! Not to mention my cat Bento had to be taken to the vet to get an enema. That was like $400 right there >< Now this fatass needs to go on a diet too.

I'm not doing any fad diet. I'm just trying to not eat so much fast food and if I do end up at a fast food place, I'm trying to at least not be god awful. Really what spurred this was I just felt like shit all the time and was tired of feeling like I was eating garbage. My weight is perfectly fine so I'd like to keep it there too. But I feel hungry all the time now and I'm not a fan of nuts or grains to tide me over. But while I'm not going balls to the wall vegan overnight I still feel pretty good now. Plus it gives me an excuse to find recipes that are a little more wholesome.

Btw if anyone has any recipes to recommend, have at it. I have no allergies so dont worry about that.

Hey, remember me?

Yeah it's been a long time. I've graduated with an associate's in arts from my community college and I'm near done with my bachelor's. I've been working full time and going to school part time still and I've been determined to get my GPA as high as possible. It's been quite stressful. In my down time, I've been in a local non profit project called The Coming Out Monologues. For those that dont know me, a few years ago, I came out as transgender. I've been coping by writing about my experiences and sharing it with others and raising money for the LGBT community here.

I've been attempting to get into some hobbies but it's hard with a full schedule. What I'm currently pushing for is Warhammer and Age of Sigmar, also painting jewelry. Apparently I'm actually good at it!

I moved into a new house and my quality of life improved. My depression, while still an annoyance, is not as bad as it used to be. I cook more and look for more recipes to try.

That's pretty much it. Is everyone else doing good? What's been going on in this mess?

So it's been a bit.

I just want to say that if I had worried anyone with my recent journal and attitude, I'm sorry. I was not in the best state of mind.

Things have been hairy in the spring. I've been fighting off depression demons and personal insecurities, all the while trying to better myself as a person by working harder, trying to be the best in school etc. During this time, my mom had some of her things stolen from her from her front yard. I'm not a very materialistic person but I still tried to sympathize with her. For Mother's Day, I attempted (and failed) to make a gift. It was a stepping stone. I've never made one before and so it was...well it was bad. I didn't do my best on it and overestimated my ability. My mom claimed to have liked it anyway so I just felt better.

Apparently she hated it and vented to her coworkers and family members about how selfish I am and that it was likely I got the thing for myself and only considered her as an afterthought. After her rant, I just broke. I was emotionally and mentally shattered with how much criticism she gave me. Then paranoia seeped in. I thought "is this all people really are? That I'm just so much of a fuck-up and everyone is just talking shit behind my back?"

I couldn't stop crying. I hated myself and everything about my life. If it weren't for someone I deeply cared about insisting that I speak to him, I honestly have no idea what I would have done.

Since then, I've just been rolling along, minding my own business until an opportunity came along. I was promoted to be the department head of Jewelry and Wearables. I think that may have been the best decision on my boss' part and my part to accept. The department was in shambles when I inherited it and now it's looking like it should. Things are in their proper place and ordered to how they should be. I think for years of feeling like I'm just some scrub part-timer really took its toll.

That isn't to say that I'm promoted and everything is sunshine and rainbows, but when my mentality starts to take a turn for the worse, I at least have some ammo to fight back. I can say to myself "look at what I accomplished" and it means something.

I didn't make my art goals for 2014, not even close. I'm disappointed but things happen. All I can do is just try again. In 2015, I'll be graduating with an Associates in Arts degree. Hopefully, I'll be writing again because I really enjoy it and I've grown to love my characters and I want to share them with everyone.

I'm taking an indefinite leave from nearly all online activities.

I'm just done with bullshit from every one. You will not find me online. I will not speak to you irl. You will not speak to me irl.

I don't care what you have to say. I don't care who you are. You will be ignored.

So there was this 2006 Nissan Altima that I've been wanting to get. It was in great condition and pretty much my dream car make/model. Since I hadn't had my money from the total loss company thing, I had to put it on reserve. Today, I got my money but yesterday, they sold the car :C

So, earlier I went to look at the other cars and found a 1998 Lincoln Town Car Cartier edition. (Apparently there's more than one town car, huh). This mother fucker had ALL the bells and whistles. Literally. It even had a phone. WAT. Ran smooth, nothing was really wrong with it, and it was in my price range.

So, uh, I got a luxury car now.

From the 90s

NO MORE SCHOOL

FUCK YEAH

C in Statistics (missed a B by one point ><)
And I'm more likely going to get an A in my Government class unless my professor doesn't like my nasty-gram critique blasting every fucker that didn't approve of min. wage.

Why? I dunno, do y'all have anything better to do?
LoupyLeu

Watch me flail about some new-fangled social media site and make bad puns.

Well, still don't have a car. The Altima I was looking at was wrecked and is only for a fixer-upper type thing. Still browsing at Nissans, Toyotas, and maybe a select few Fords. I was supposed to have gotten a release form from the insurance but it never came. Since it never came, I hadn't received the money. -exasperated sigh-

I did receive the money for my school's classes. Since I did some careful calculations on what I would have needed I did splurge a tad. I don't have any damn car payments anyway and by the time the classes are up officially and I need to pay for them, I would have the money back and then some.

Once everything is all said and done, I want to start drawing again. I'm probably ridiculously out of practice but I picked up some books that have been recommended so I'll be reading in to them a bit. I'll be done with one class by next week. Hopefully I'll have an A. If not, I'll cry.

To be honest, I'm pretty depressed I haven't been able to keep up with drawing like I wanted to. I really want to get better and I really wanted to have finished the Wolves Among Us story along with others but I guess I'm just not as adept at time management as I thought.

I'mma stop whining now. Gotta write some essays. Bleh

So I've been literally counting down the months until I could get my car paid off. I have been looking forward to it since I hit the twelve month remainder.

April 17th, I got into an accident. It wasn't my fault but it still sucked all the same. I had it looked at and it was determined as a total loss. Thankfully, the rest of my balance was paid off and I have a sum of money that's going to be paid to me...but now I still don't have a car and I don't think that I can buy a good one for a little under $6k.

Well I did find one but it has an accident history so I'll be checking it out first before I'm all "YES I"LL BUY IT". It's a 2012 Altima so if all goes well, I'm really hoping I can get it and still not have to pay shit off.

If not, I'll have to start from the beginning. Again. Fingers crossed.