Working on my master's degree. I bought a car yesterday, a 2006 Buick Rendevous. My wolf will be here in a few days. And he's right, I've made so much progress since we met! It's hard to believe that the person I knew a few years ago, terrified of driving, stuck in a mental state that they couldn't escape... is me! Like... holy shit! Just wow! Hopefully, 2020 will be a year of even more progress... and that I can finally become the woman I'm capable of being!!!

If I look back on my life... think back to a turning point, where a decision was made that should not have been. I can think of one... Moving out of North Dakota.

Here I am, back here. Been living here for about 8 1/2 months now. And it's just amazing how much my life has turned around in that 8 months. No longer on any of the medication that was destroying my life. No more daily panic attack over dumb shit. I have friends, respect, love of the purest kind (God I love my wolf, I can't wait till he's here in September). I'm doing much better on my hygiene. I'm starting a second job tomorrow... ironically working at the same grocery store I did when I was 18. Back where I worked before the turning point. I have... so much to look forward to... I know not a damn person reads these, and I am perfectly okay with that. I'm happy and content with where my life is, and where it is headed. I still have my really bad days... but, they're so few and far between these days, just an occasional reminder of where I come from so I can continue to appreciate my progress.

I'm also extremely excited that by my wolf's suggestion, to be receiving my second bad dragon!!! I liked the first one so much, I decided that I needed another one XD.

A week ago, my grandmother died. Last time I was in her area, I had gotten into a huge fight with my family and left without going to see her. I made sure to go see her this weekend, for the funeral. She was an amazing woman, 85 years old. She was told as a kid that she would never amount to anything, that she was stupid, by her own father. On Sunday I saw all the people who loved her, cared about her, who all would disagree... I had to go see her, one last time, because I knew I would never see her again... not unless it was in pictures. Goodbye Grandma, you've always been one of the few people who believed in me, even when no one else did.

  paranoidpooka I've known you nearly my entire life... I remember us antagonizing what's his face with "talking pikachu" I remember staying over and playing that N64 rugrats game, Harvest moon, pokemon puzzle league (You always whooped my ass at that too XD) I'm so glad we got back into contact... and I want you to know, and I want the world to know... that I'm here for you as you take this frightful journey in life <3 If you ever need anything, feel free to message me. And anyone who doesn't like it... who doesn't like who you want to be... they can go fuck themselves XD

I successfully drove for the first time in 10 years!!! And I'm getting myself a decent car at the end of the month. I'm excited, that is all!!!

Back in 2008 I crashed a friends '94 mustang into a store, it was the first time I had ever driven and it freaked me out so bad that I didn't try again for 10 years. Today, I drove around for a good 3 hours without issues. It actually felt kinda natural. I had a huge phobia of driving and since I met my wolf last April, I've decided I'm not letting my fear hold me back anymore. I've been doing a great job, with the help of his unwavering support, for I must give credit where credit is due. As well as my best friend who's been there for YEARS. She was there when my daughter was born and I love her to death. When they say one door closes so another can open... its so very true. :D

Almost through the first month of this year... and I'll say, its been a great first month... Life is moving forward at such a fast pace and I'm keeping up. As whoever actually reads these actually knows, I am polyamourous, meaning I can happily have multiple relationships... There are talks of my sexy wolf moving with us near the end of the year. I'm very very excited for this. He has been such an amazing support during the past year.

Speaking of progress... This squirrely girl finally got her driving permit, and today my therapist told me that my BPD is in remission and I don't need her anymore. I don't think, I've ever been so purely happy with the direction my life is going.

Well... that's the summary of my update. :D

I will definitely say, moving back to North Dakota has been the best decision I've ever made in my life. It's hard to explain. I feel loved and valued for the first time, like actually loved and valued. I got to attend a company christmas party and actually enjoyed myself. I'm off all my medication, and more stable than I've been in 9+ years. I'm not allergic to alcohol like I once thought. I've lost a ton of weight. I feel... normal. And I've never been happier... I should have made this move sooner, hell I should have never moved away to begin with. I'm not an outcast anymore <3 2 of my coworker's are furries. Pretty much all of my coworkers know that I am and its just awesome. 2018 has been chaotic, but life is definitely looking up, and I'm hoping that progress continues in 2019.

I never expected that at the beginning of this year. Just a few days after losing my job. That I'd be working two jobs by the end of the year. Clocking in 50 hours a week. I never would have believed that I would have met the person who would undo all the damage that had been done by previous relationships. I am now friends with probably the only other furry in town. They're gonna come hang out for halloween. And we're probably all gonna walk around and let our furry selves go XD. Finally got some replacement stuff since I lost all of mine when I left. I would have told people they were on drugs if they told me by the end of the year I'd be living in North Dakota again. My boss listens to my suggestions. I... I'm valued. I'm happy... And I never would have believed if anyone told me any of this.

About 5 months ago... I met you. You were just a person I was talking to, bitching about my problems. I didn't know, you'd end up being the most wonderful human being I'd ever meet. I didn't know, you'd change my life in ways I didn't think possible. I was going through a time where... I didn't feel I could trust anyone. Been broken and discarded countless times. Then you came along. I know now, what it feels to receive unconditional love. I know you hate these public posts... thats why I'm posting it here. Its the social media platform I have the least friends on, and I know that no one reads what I write here anyway XD. And I'm posting it because... well it's your birthday 10 days... And... well with me having 2 jobs now, I can't come visit you.

I hate how I have to hide you from people I know... because no one understands polyamory and I just don't feel like dealing with the drama. Because honestly, you're the only reason I'm doing so good right now. You gave me the push I needed to move.

I'm also posting this because... tomorrow is 5 years since john died... and I feel, the best way to respect him and thank him for leading me to you... (You really do remind me of him a lot, probably why he led me to you... he knew you'd treat me like both your queen and your kitten) Is by pubically thanking him... even if no one sees it. Its the effort and thought that counts. At least he would think that. When me and you met... you told me you hoped you could live up to his belief in you. The fact that you gave me enough self confidence to leave that hell hole of a town I was living in... is proof that you have. But I know you and I know that doesn't mean you're going to stop. You're gonna keep trying to live up to his belief.

Anyway... To end this cheesy ass shout out to you... Happy early birthday my love... and thank you to john, For looking out for me even after death.

Well. Finally got to move. Living back in North Dakota. Got two jobs within two days, a place to live in a week and more friends than I ever had at my old place. Life... life is good now. I'm quite happy at the moment. And it wouldn't be possible without my favorite wolf <3 He gave me the courage and self esteem to finally do it. To finally fucking move.

Tomorrow... marks 12 years since I left hell. But... I still get flashbacks. Mostly the words echoing in my head these days. Occasionally visual. Some days, it doesn't bother me. Others... its crippling.

Everyone says I've come so far, that I'm so strong for surviving it. But I still feel like I'm a failure most days, that after 12 years I should be over it, the memories shouldn't haunt me. But they do. Especially on days where people say the same that bitch said, or similar. Today isn't a great day, but its not a horrible one either, it is an off day though.

This year so far... has been ONE of the craziest of my life... Really eye-opening in the sense of psychology and how people work. I think I finally understand the meaning of the phrase "Ignorance is Bliss." I've found out I trust too easily. And I'm easily hated. Had someone loosen all the lug nuts on all but one tire (I have a suspicion on who it was... but a suspicion is all I have) of our van. I've found out that MANY people have been secretly fake to me, or have used me. I've learned... I am polyamorous, and I've never been happier than in accepting it. I've learned... that everyone has known I'm a furry, for years. I found out that my best friend in 4th grade, is also one... and so are most of my closest friends.

I've also found the love of my life... the one that makes everything okay. The one that has patience when I freak out, calming me down, snuggling and telling me he's there for me. The one that always reassures me that I'm not bugging him when I am scared that I am because everyone else has treated me like I do. The one that not only doesn't mind me being polyamorous... but thoroughly enjoys it because he's the one who opened my eyes to the fact that I am. I now have my happy little "family" (as I like to call it, since I don't really have family) with my two cats, my bf who is jumping into the world of furryness, and my alpha wolf. And, for the first time... even though my life is falling apart, I'm generally happy. And I'm hoping... soon... my luck will get better. As my brother says, I am the luckiest Unlucky person ever XD.

I don't have you on here love... but I still want to say thank you for your service. You are amazing. You deserve a public call out... even if you don't see it <3. Happy 4th to my love and everyone else... all... 3 of you XD.

And just like that, everything is falling apart again. Boyfriend I live with, lost his job. No one will hire me. Now... I don't know what to do. I'm out of words for once. I have no problem working. I have tried and tried and tried to get one. I'm oddly invisible for being so damn eccentric. I'm not quite suicidal, but its REALLY hard to see hope of anything in my life getting better, when I can't get away from my curse...

If we plan everything... and everything works out... I may be moving. I may be moving to a city like I've been wanting to. Near most of my friends and family too. Only an hour and a half from a major Fur Con!!! Reasonable rent, AND from someone I personally know!!! I'm gonna stay hopeful!!! ONLY thing that can get in the way now is money... always money, or the lack thereof. So... in a couple of weeks, I am gonna be getting started on crafts and will be selling them on etsy. Thinking about eventually going to fursuits, but selling them at a low price for us furries that are poor and can't afford expensive ones but still want a suit. Crafting is fun for me, so I wouldn't mind. Of course this would be AFTER I move, since I'll need all the money I can get. Until then, we'll see!!! I'm excited for the journey ahead. I'm also happy that I actually know like 5 people in or near the city I'm moving to anyway XD

Bipolar at its finest. Not even 12 hours since my last post. And I feel great, maybe a little lingering sadness, but otherwise content. I feel confident in my ability to get caught up in college. Gonna work on that after this little journal entry. I may be complex, but I've got two men that love me. Two men who support me, each in their own way. And, though its going to be a long ass uphill battle. I... will get there. I'm gonna order some patterns and teach myself how to make fursuits. I'm learn how to use this damn sewing machine once I am caught up in school. And, I'm gonna do what I'm good and make myself some money, instead of begging people for a job.

The boyfriend that I live with's family... they can go fuck themselves. They can't look past the old me to see the real me. They judge me for who I was half my lifetime ago. Fuck em' Someone who I thought was a very close friend, that I was told by other people ghosted me because "I was too much to handle" Fuck him too (I won't do it, someone else can volunteer... dude could probably use a lay anyway) And... anyone else who didn't believe in my because I'm different/obnoxious/[insert convoluted reason here] they can go fuck themselves too. :D

Have a great day everyone... I will, be practically inaccessible for the next 6 1/2 hours. I will be here more often as I come to terms with who I am, spent a lifetime of judgment on who I should be, instead of who I am and who I want to be.

I've been told that starting to journal will help me heal from the past. I hope they are right.

I am bipolar, Pure O OCD, ADD/ADHD, have C-PTSD, and possibly RAD. I am working on my masters with a focus on Child and adolescent development, with the hope of unraveling my past. This is because all my crying out for help, has gone unanswered. I've even been told by a long time practicing psychologist that I am too complex for anyone in my area.

In the last... 6 months. I've been told I am lying about my past by several people. I've been ghosted by several others, because "I'm too much to handle" Some were friends, some were family. Some, I mistakenly fell for. I have almost no friends because I'm allergic to alcohol and people think I am lying. I watched someone who I've called my sister for 8 years hit on the boyfriend I live with... because I believe she is jealous that I can have two men that don't beat me, cheat on me, or give me stds. And she can't keep ANY guy for more than a week.

I've found out my back is basically fucked, not even 30 and I have arthritis and bone spurs in my back, my legs are different lengths. I have to see a chiropractor 3 times a week for 18 weeks to get it fixed... costing my $750 when I don't have a job. Plus another $375 for the insoles to correct the leg differences. I'm failing my class because I can't get in control of my emotions. When I try to tell my psych doctor this, I get disregarded, even mocked sometimes.

The boyfriend I don't live with, has been more supportive and patient with me than anyone else I've ever know. He deserves a medal for this shit... yet, because of how many times I've been hurt by people I've trusted. I have moments, where I doubt its real... "Its too good to be real" my brain says... "He just stays with you because he pities you" It yells at me. "The bitch is right, no one will ever love you. You are undeserving of any love. You don't know how to stop annoying people. You don't know when to shut up. You wouldn't know love if it bit you in the face." I know that's false. But my brain betrays me, I'm scared of everyone. I have to study every interaction I have with every person, in the hope that I can see when its time to run, so I don't get hurt anymore. And... I hate it. I just want to live, I just want to be happy. I want to love and be loved.

My past eats at me, on a daily basis. The words of the past, echoing in my head. Some days, they don't affect me. Some days, they feel like cinder blocks tied to my ankles and life threw me overboard and sped away.

Some days, I am happy and content with my life, others, I hate who I am, I hate who I've been. Some days, I am just so tired of struggling to keep my head above water while I watch people around me hope that I drown, but pretending to offer a helpful hand.

So... this is my journal before I go to bed. Hopefully after awhile of doing this. I'll have something, anything figured out. Goodnight/morning all.

So, I'm never on here. But, it being pride month (And my 28th Bday was on the 15th YAY!!!) It's time to say it all.

So, I AM a cis female, but...

I am polyamorous, I have not one but two amazing boyfriends, both know, both accept it... it is NOT cheating, we are all in this together, and I like to think that none of us have been happier. <3

I am demisexual, Meaning I can only be aroused by people I feel an emotional connection to.

I am a grey ace, meaning I am not always capable of being aroused, not even by my two amazing men. My asexuality is a grey area.

I am Bisexual, I find both men and women attractive, granted I am emotionally close to them and not in an asexual mode.

I am odd, I am confusing, maybe a little crazy. But I am ME, and I love me. <3

Happy Pride Month everyone!!!

Adding... Finally got me a sewing machine and will be starting on some small projects once I can figure out how to use the thing XD. Haven't decided exactly what yet. Thinking pillows, mini plushes of fursonas, tails, ears, and what ever else sounds like fun. So, once I start. I will have some examples of products up. And, well I'll figure out things from there.