Coming this Summer a space romp, Libido Per Astra: Delivery. The first story in a series of many.

Issue 1 Promo Cover:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/56910486/

Long time no see! i've been really active on BlueSky (https://bsky.app/profile/alexfur.bsky.social), but not so much here. I have a ton (maybe exaggerated) to post. I've been spending a lot of time just practicing to get better at art, but I have a handful of things to add to my gallery.

Also, I finally got my ADHD diagnosis and am finally on medication for it! I'm so excited and it has made all the difference in the world. I almost feel normal. I have noticed that I have other problems that don't fall under ADHD and I highly suspect that I am in fact an AuDHDer, but I know so much more and feel like I'm in a much better place mentally. I actually have answers for all my weird struggles and aren't just feeling like I'm broken.

Anyway, be on the look out for my art!

Finally got around to uploading all the stuff I've done over the past couple of months. I feel like I've made some good artistic progress! Maybe you'll see me again in another 2 months.

I've learned recently I have ADHD. Working on getting a formal diagnosis, but I have backing from my therapist. I've always had wonderful dreams of creating wonderful things and come up with a plan and have really good intentions, then I just can't act on it. I've been beating myself with "why why why can't I do this" or "why why why is this so hard for me"? Now I finally know and can be a lot nicer to myself. I'm working on finding ways to still achieve my goals, but in a framework that fits how I operate. I've been wanting to make a comic for a long time, but that large format project is so incredibly daunting. I hardly can make myself work on something for more than a day or two before I lose interest. But I have really neat new knowledge and now I have a name and an explanation! I just assumed everyone was like this my whole life and I felt defective for not being able to handle what everyone could.

Hey, reminder I'm on Blue Sky!

https://bsky.app/profile/alexfur.bsky.social

https://bsky.app/profile/alexfur.bsky.social

https://bsky.app/profile/alexfur.bsky.social

Also, I have two invite codes. Message me and I'll give either one or both to you. When I have no more I'll delete this post.

Updated

I considered deleting this entry entirely. I suddenly felt very embarrassed, but a cry for help shouldn't be embarrassing. I had a moment of clarity where I realized I'm upset because I hurt. I only hurt now. I have no idea what tomorrow will look like and I'm just going to make choices and decisions based on how I feel in the moment and what consequences I'm willing to put up with. The imagined future isn't real.


Previous

I was diagnosed with a small hiatal hernia. It's been giving me heartburn for about a year. The reccomended course of action is lose weight, but man I really don't want to. I like how I am. I'm not huge. 217 was like my highest weight and I was ok with that. I'm having trouble accepting that I should do something about this that seems counter to what I accepted as my ideal body. It also limits my lifting ability so I can't go the healthy body building route either (I think, maybe I can). I don't know if anybody else has gone through something similar, but kind words would help a ton. I'm really fucking upset about this. And regardless of the body image, omg eating has become such a nightmare sometimes. I don't know if something I eat is going to cause pain later. I don't know if anyone cares, but I'm going to reach out anyway.

Let me level set first. I define ego as the cumulative experiences from your life and how you, almost algorithmically, respond to new ones.

With that in mind, your ego may not serve you. A meditative insight is that you have very little control over your thoughts. Try and predict what you may think next. Difficult? Impossible? Not surprising. Where do those thoughts come from? Well, I can confidently say they at least form from your ego.

Intentions I define as your goals. To be nicer, to draw, to perform, to climb a mountain, to stop a bad habit. I like to view intention separate from regular thoughts. It feels like you have some control over your intentions. Sometimes hard to act on those. I see intentions as types of desires. Desires are typically easy to identify. But sometimes not. Do I actually want to do that?

I believe it becomes harder to identify if something is a desire based on the building blocks of your ego. Think back to childhood. Was there something you wanted to do, but you were told ‘no’ or ‘that’s too dangerous’ or ‘people will think you’re weird’ or you literally got abused over it. Think about how you were at school and how people may have bashed your unique ideas, calling them stupid or weird. These ego feeding events creates blocks that keep you from feeling your desires. Or at least feeling good about them.

Once you get older, you accumulate more experiences. Hopefully some better and varied ones. As a kid you only have the limited experiences and just accept those as normal. Later you go “Oh, nobody actually does this, it was just my family”. Sometimes these events are good. You get champions that lift you up and create a pretty healthy mind later in life, but of course not everybody gets that.

Realize those bad experiences don’t have to be your guiding light. Witness yourself in the third person. Look at who is acting. “Why is he doing it like that?” “It never works out that way.” Look at yourself as if you are Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill. Yeah, he’s going to be doing that forever, but maybe he should do it different. Put some wheels and a motor on that rock. Take a step back from your ego (understandably easier said than done) and listen to your intentions. It’s going to feel wrong to ignore your ego. But with enough intentional practice of listening to intentions more and the ego less you build up your ego with good experiences. Eventually you act without acting. Your ego gets retrained on better experiences.

This shouldn’t be taken as full advice. I understand there are many other things that cause blocks, but the main point here is that thoughts are fueled by your ego and your ego may need a refreshing with new and better experiences. Nothing will change if you never take action. All easier said than done, but this is one of the lessons I have learned over the past year of healing and recovery attempting to reign my own mind in.

Come check me out at https://bsky.app/profile/alexfur.bsky.social
If I get some invite codes I might just raffle them off with some art if anyone would be interested. One is already promised, but if I get more I'll update with another journal.

As soon as I feel like dealing with FA's upload interface there's a ton of new stuff dropping

After almost a year of therapy and psycho-education and I feel more free than I have ever felt in my life.

I closely observed my behaviors, my reactions, my emotions, my intentions, my dreams, my goals, my self. There was a clutter of childhood poisons, bad media messages, self doubt, lack of intention, lack of motivation, being overly apologetic and people pleasing all because I was discouraged from being an individual. I had parents that were 'good enough' and legitimately tried their best, but you can't ever predict what your actions may have on someone. There's still a long way to go, but now that I have a clear head I have large projects I want to achieve. I want to make something I'm really proud of and will last.

I hope the things that have helped me recover can also help you become the best version of yourself!

Things that have helped me along my journey:

Come as You Are - Emily Nagoski (dealing with toxic perceptions of sex created by family and media)
The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel Van Der Kolk (Understanding trauma of all kinds)
Chuang Tzu: The Inner Chapters - Translated by David Hinton (Taoist teachings to find inner peace)
The Highly Sensitive Person - Elain N. Aron (For when the world feels unusually tough for you)
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - Lindsay C. Gibson (For when your parents were abusive, unattentive, self absorbed, perfectionist)
Eat That Frog! - Brian Tracy (Getting shit done when you feel like you can't accomplish anything)
The Story of My Life - Hellen Keller (promotes empathy and shows how the human spirit can thrive even against major adversity)
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving - Pete Walker (Dealing with emotional flashbacks due to abusive parents)
Medito - An iPhone/Android app that teaches you how to meditate to find your calm and your center
Yoga with Adriene - A yoga youtube channel with the most wonderful yoga instructor

Stay true to yourself!
-Alex

Just dropping this out there to see if there are any topics or ideas you'd like to see me draw. Perhaps I've done something you've liked and I should revisit it. Looking for community feedback on what I'm doing well and what I should improve on. If there are any other artists that follow me I'd definitely like to get critiques on some of my recent work. I'm having trouble figuring out where I should put practice time.

Hey! Quick announcement that I'm also now on Mastadon!

Come check me out if you have a mastadon account

https://meow.social/@alexfur

Also go check out https://meow.social/@rionmaro/109803171635440513
He's running a raffle over there right now!

I love the idea of space travel. Meeting people and cultures that have advanced so far that perhaps they have set aside all strife amongst themselves. I really do hope that before my time ends I get to at least take a shuttle out and see our own world from above. I want to truly experience feeling like we are just a small spec amongst a vast ocean of diversity. It makes me sad to think that maybe we could already be out there being explorers but we are still held back so much by ourselves.

Alternatively if I see that it won't happen maybe my last act alive is just finding someone willing to jettison me into space. I don't want this journal to be taken too seriously. But this goat fucking dreams of space damnit.

I'm really bad at keeping my FA gallery up to date. Hopefully I can make myself set through the tedious process of uploading all my recent arts.

Also, very late happy new year! For 2023 be bold, be brave, be creative, be honest and kind to yourself, and show gratitude not only to others but to your own actions. Live every moment as fully and presently as possible as you only get once chance to do it.

Seeing my art in someone’s favorites is like my favorite feeling. Seeing my art adjacent to other artist’s art that I hold in high regard hits me right in the feel goods. While number go up is a really exhilarating feeling, just having something I made in someone else’s collection is so gratifying. So, I thank you.

Don't know if Pillow Fort is going to take off or not, but getting started over there because why not. If you have an account you can follow me at https://www.pillowfort.social/AlexFur

I'm going to be putting more effort into FA since Twitter is currently messy (I really despise elongate muskrat) so might as well try to build a better foundation here.

I own an actual goat farm (started like 8 years ago). Goats are basically really rude hooved dogs.

Prior to owning goats that Alex was a pretty generic husky, but goats are so cool he slowly morphed into goat from sheer will

I'm a software engineer for work. Used to program for fun, but after several thousand hours or doing it professionally kinda killed it for me as a hobby. I still write software for fun occasionally and have this nifty art help site I update and reference semi regularly: https://alexfurprojects.github.io/

I've been drawing all my life, but really picked it up around 2018 after seeing so many amazing youtube animators, artists on tumblr, and a lot of nice filth from e621.

I'm 100% a bottom and can take the Chance Flaired XL from Bad Dragon. Been a pretty long term goal of mine to get there.

I'd give you the shirt off my back if I thought it might help you.

Zelda, Metroid, Guild Wars (I've had an account since the Factions beta) are like my favorite games. I'll throw Sonic in there, but man it's hit or miss. And I've re-played Gears of War waaaaay too many times and they really need to release Gears 6.

I've known my lover/husband, Zane since 2013. Been married since 2016. And we've been through a lot together and I wouldn't change a thing (ok, maybe fewer disasters).

Maybe I'll do more of these or drop some of it on my actually profile, but can't reveal too much. Someone I know might spot it and nobody wants that headache.

I think I was raised by hippies. My parents were, and still are, very free spirited. I learned to be creative from my dad. He would always fix stuff up around the house with whatever scrap material he had. I learned from him that limitations breed creativity. I learned immense compassion from my mother. Always telling me to help out those who need it. Though in recent years I've found that mentality can wear you pretty thin, especially if someone takes advantage of your kindness. I still hold the lessons they taught me close to my heart.

I don't really have a point to this journal, I just wanted to share some thoughts. I know not everybody's experiences are this pleasant and some people very close to me just didn't get that opportunity and I greatly sympathize with them, and with you if you also went through some rough stuff. I've seen that those wounds do heal eventually with the right kind of care.

I read recently an analogy that your mind/body/spirit is a garden that from the ages of 0-18 (or whatever age you move out, separate from your family, etc) and your family and friends tend to your garden the way they think to do so. It could end up well nourished or a desert. It could have some nice beautiful plants or be filled with thorns. But once you have the opportunity to, you plant what you want in it. You nourish it the way you need. You rip up the weeds that no longer serve your purposes. Make it uniquely yours.

I've been drawing more and have worked out several issues that have been bothering me for a while. Spent a great deal of the summer learning self compassion and just getting life organized. I'm really hoping to return to the Space Goat comic someday. I got too bogged down in planning and over thinking that I failed to ever make any decisions. I really want to tell my story, and I'm finding ways to make that happen where I don't cause myself undue stress. I'm still learning and growing and I hope to reconnect with the community and just make more art for everybody's viewing pleasure.

I'm scared to jinx myself like I always do, but more art on the horizon. I've felt very intimidated recently when facing the blank canvas. My head is full of ideas, but so much hesitation in my hands. Lots of things I could blame, but after reflecting and marinating on the topic, I've really been my only blocker. I've been fixing my funk by carving out dedicated time and just giving the hobby a chance. I've been away for so long it's like looking down the edge of a high cliff. I stand there at the edge and hesitate, but the cliff is really like three foot tall and nothing to avoid and no reason to not just jump in with full force. I suppose this journal is more for myself to just get some of the words in my head out of my head.

Anyway! TL;DR I really want to make more art, mostly for myself, but for you all as well. Been in a funk and I've been working on it. And as usual, thank you to all the fans of what I do. While my art is, mostly, personal it brings me a lot of joy when someone else connects with something I've made.

Been stuck in guild wars 2 for a hot minute (month) working on getting my skyscale. If you play it, you know...
Lol see you all soon!

Been a hot minute, but I've been working on means and methods to make churning out pages to Space Goat easier. Be on the lookout later this week for page 3 and new pages should be coming a little quicker in the future!

Hey all! Page one of Space Goat is now live!

Based on how long it took to draw/color/edit page one I'm looking at probably releasing one page every Friday unless I get extra time to work on it!

I've been planning out this project for a few months and I'm so super excited that it is finally coming together!

Go check it out https://www.furaffinity.net/view/45385066/ and if you're on the twit go check me out there as well (https://twitter.com/AFurbottomArt). Any help promoting my work is very very very appreciated!

Happy New Year!

Finally got that pesky guest out my house (for a while now actually). And with that I can finally relax and work on my personal project a comic named Space Goat! It's been in the works for several months now and I'm finally releasing content for it. I'm really excited to share it with all of you! I'm planning on at least one page a week if not a couple a week.

As usual, thank you for all the support! It means a lot!

Been working on a larger project that I hope will see the light of day very soon. Been mostly in downtime and planning due to have an unexpected guest need to live with me for a while. Hopefully they'll be out of here soon and I can get my sanity back and actually work on art.

I'm very much a work-on-things-on-my-own-pace type of person, but wanted to just put it out there that there should be more content coming soon. Just too many unexpected events happened this year. Granted anything unexpected should be fully expected at this point.

Finally and most importantly, I really appreciate the favs and follows and just general support from the community!