Been a while since I wrote an actual journal on here. Im back as these FA journals always seem like a place I can place my thoughts and maybe get some feedback.

Today I had a loose friend admit to me they've given up and have made plans to end their life. Nothing has happened as of writing this, but I'm rattled, scared, and panicked. This person always has that "dont get close to me, im not worth it" attitude that after a while, I just do my best to lift them up from time to time. A mask to me that while things are bad, you can kind of take the piss out of it to lighten things up. That or they just didnt seem too bothered by it to me. I guess that was wrong. As they showed me the note they have for everyone when they decide to do it. Now this relationship with them is online and so to call a wellness check on them is, to me, not possible, AFAIK.

When I learned of this I tried my best to talk them out of such plans. "Dont give up. Please just give it more time. I'll do my best to help you". Caling back to this person's attitude, they stonewalled me and dismissed every attempt of mine to eventually stop talking to me. I discussed the situation with a mutual friend and we talked options. Were both scared and not sure how to proceed. If things progress and I can get the right information, I said I'd call a wellness check on them, damn the repercussions.

I've never had to deal with a situation like this. Like my only idea is that I need to see a counselor myself now. Im not fully sure what to do or fully how to feel other then this looming dread. So, im writing this as it hopefully doesn't reach the person in question and I can air my thoughts to some feedback.

Im just not sure on what to do, and that is scaring me.

I made a bluesky. This is mostly to follow artists but I'll post on there hopefully. Im not gonna follow anyone really, but feel free to follow if you want another social media with me.

alexzandrs.bsky.social

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11201767/

KaliDeagon (mega good artist) is like 3k in debt. I'm just boosting the post cause I like their stuff.

Ayo, just making a journal for all my FA peeps (crazy that y'all follow me) that if you want to join my telegram channel, feel free.

Link : https://t.me/+Rq6bSgeidmhiMTUx

Would be super cool if ya did, I like talking to people.

I'd suck ya toes lmao

Meer is hosting a raffle, if you're interested follow the link
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/56002971/

The JoyfulDragon is holding a free art raffle and I'm bumping it
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/55376228/
good luck to everyone!

Hello again, long time, no post.
I'm writing this journal cause I've been having a hard time connecting to the fandom as of late. I've been finding myself wanting to talk to more furries and get a general feeling of being included in a group. I absoulutely got this experience in person at MFF last year. The issue is now I'm struggling to get something close to that online. I'm not the most outgoing person, so messaging people out of the blue is weird to me. Plus some people also are not very extroverted, or just are uninterested in me. I have a telegram group of friends, its not super active though. Maybe I'm posting a round about way of trying to talk to more people and need help on that? Branching from this, it feels wrong to admit, I am more comfortable meeting and talking to furs of the same sex as I, herm/intersex/trans/futa/whatever you want to call a person with both sets of genitals. I like talking to furries as there is some sort of common ground there, this extends to gender. Its as if I can connect with that person more as they make me feel less weird for wanting to be a chick with a dick for lack of a better description. It sounds to me like I'm coming off as sexist or something, though its just how I natrually feel. Anyway, I'm not sure what to think or do, just mostly airing out my current issues and seeing if anyone has advice or anything.
Thank you all.

Using this to mostly just get my emotions out and coherent so I don't cry all night lol. I'm currently attending MFF this year and after 8 years of being in the fandom, this has been the most comfortable experience of my life. I'm from a little town in a little state and so I never really had the opportunity to meet with other furs outside the internet. My SO gave the opportunity to stay with them for the weekend and experience the con together. I must say, the feeling of finally being able to connect with so many people is unbelievable. I'm still shy and nervous to just up and talk to everyone, but it really feels like home. It's an overwhelming emotion to feel so free and able to express this side of myself with others on such a level. Very much a feeling of acceptance and comfort from everyone I walked past. The talent show really drove home that this is a full on community of loving people. I'm really happy I came, I want to come again, and it's really made me appreciate the fandom after so long of not seeing the whole thing. Thank you everyone.

Trying to get an extra ticket in a raffle, and here I am

Link to the raffle if you want in is here : https://www.furaffinity.net/view/44704940/

It's been a while since my last journal, and that's because things have been manageable. But, recently things have taken a turn of course. So I'm back to write another long winded journal about my issues, in hopes to clear my mind and maybe someone listens.

I've lost my friends. Not all of them, but one I hung out with and did stuff with. I still have friends, just ones I only talk to over telegram and ect. So now I have nothing to do with anyone. It's just me, by myself playing/doing whatever. No connections over a voice call or anything. I like the friends I have, don't get me wrong. But, there is a difference between just talking over text and over voice. Now, I don't have anyone to hangout with in person or over voice.

Being romantically and physically lonely doesn't help at all. Especially since it seems a lot of furs I follow or watch have a partner. I'm starting to feel like the odd one out, being single. While I've been open and looking for a partner, everyone I've had a connection with is against LDR. But, I'm in such an isolated position, LDRs are pretty much my only option. I'm at a loss for what to do. I'm just going through the motions of a day, struggling to keep up with college. Funny enough, college hasn't provided any help either. Just silently go to my classes and mind my own business. Like the introvert I am. No one really bothering me, and no natural friendships blossoming.

Seems like my world has slowly been shrinking. The circle of my world closing in on me, as I try and stop it. Few good friends eventually disappearing over time while the rest are loose friends. Eventually the circle will only have space for me, and that's what I'm afraid of. That I will be alone. I may say I'm afraid of spiders and heights. But, my worst fear is to be alone. Just by myself, with noone. That's the fear that has me crying at night.

So recently I've lost any/all friends I regularly play games with and do stuff. I still talk to people over telegram, just not that much. But recently the friends I play Tarkov with are away for a bit, now I spend my days feeling depressed. Not really feeling like playing anything for fun, but to just pass time.

Basically if you guys want to see if you want to play anything with me, check my steam or ask.

Thank You.

So this is gonna be another long winded emotional post. Cause I've starved my brain of sleep and have hit a depression.

I'm calling into question my association with the fandom and idea of furries as a while tonight/today. I found myself in this group in my early teens, of course through pornography. Influenced by media at the time and how important animals are to people in general, mixed with hormones and I stumbled my way onto the furry stage. Being the anxious nervous teen I was, I was so curious about finding people like me at the time and I discovered Furry Teens. Furry Teens or FT, was a furry forum for teenagers. Outside of any furry drama or allegations surrounding the site, it felt like acceptance. Just pure blissful acceptance, absolutely everything that my ego desired at the time. The furry fandom is know for this acceptance, so it's really not a surprise. I dove head first into the fandom, Skype chats, the forum, FA and even drawing art. Met my first ever actual SO through the site, and my first ever heart break. Learned a lot about people and that, this fuzzy loveable exterior the fandom has, people will still be people. After a gentle falling out with FT and the Skype chats as a whole, I guess reality set in slowly. Friends drifted away, and in real life as well. I had a couple close friends from the forum and Skype but hardly the social circle I had at the time. Then I graduated high school, and it generally got worse. Irl friends drifted away, and now my social circle shrank even more. I've made more friends and lost them over time, with environments changing and efforts as well. But the number of people I held close to me was miniscule. Noone from FT was really considered a friend to me, just a casual relationship that came up once every couple months. I had made a couple of fur-friends but none of which I can say held for long, same goes with relationships. I leaned more and more on the fandom for any sort of social interaction, as I dropped in and out of college and work. In a deep depression that I have yet to crawl out of. Something changed for sure, through therapy and medication I've found some sort of peace with the world. The environment has never changed though. Friends leaving and a few coming in for a portion of time. I can count what I consider a close friend on my hand. Along with this empty social life there's now feeling of failure for a romantic connection with anyone. Which now leads me to my main point, why am I a furry?

I intially joined I guess for companionship and a feeling of acceptance. But today and these days it's almost feels like I'm here just for validation and acceptance, but on a deeper more desperate level. I ask myself recently why do I spend so much money on my art and why is so much of it pornographic? I can say my sona and art represent me, as a person and my personality. The Inuyasha art and other things are a good representation. The porn? I will admit it's certainly to serve my fetishes and sexual needs, but it's deeper almost than that. I feel like I'm pouring money into art so I can upload it. To have people see it and like it, for my own validation. Have people like what I have to offer, to feel wanted. The little notifications of people liking my art tells me that someone appreciates me, even for just a picture to satisfy sexual needs. But now it's to the point where I'm feeling dehumanized almost. All I am to people can be just a person to provide a outlet. Not even a person, maybe not even my Sona. Now to feel like there is any sort of connection with someone, getting an art piece with them tells me that I'm liked enough to get art with. Hence why I'm desperate for people to get art with, cause I think it means that I've made an actual friend and am appreciated. Though, the pieces I've gotten with people tend to just be a memory of a past short connection. Now I'm just a wolf lady with a penis to some furs. But the real Alex, the person who's buying this art is trying to find comfort in the world. Not even comfort, but further beyond. Love. I can say I think my art is just to have people love me. Not in any romantic sense, but in a general, one cares for another way. I tackle this a bit in my head about who loves me. Obviously people do, relatives and the couple of friends I have. This is hard to really convince myself of, that I actually am loved. That my presence on earth is appreciated for who I am, and not out of some blood obligation or pity. That someone can be around me and say they enjoy me for who I am. Which is another problem I find, that I don't find this feeling as easy as others. People say they really do enjoy me, friends and so on. But I find that I can't say the same to them, or it eventually just fades into nothing and we never speak again. I'm struggling to find people that I have the same feeling with, platonically and romantically. I really do try to connect and get that feeling, but it's fleeting. Hard to find. While the outside world makes it seem like it isn't a fleeting thing, that people around me have more appreciation and validation. Deeper connections, more friends, better lives. Which I know isn't true, but it's what the brain naturally assumes. So I struggle. I struggle so much with these thoughts and feelings. It makes me worry and depressed.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate the time spent on a amateur psych evaluation. Trying to understand myself. I really appreciate any words or just time spent on it. Thank you.

This is just gonna be a pinned journal. For the sake of people leaving shouts, cause I gotta make it a bit more obvious I guess.

DO NOT BY ANYMEANS THANK FOR WATCHES. ITS A WORTHLESS SHOUT IMHO IF YOU'RE GONNA SHOUT MAKE IT NOT SOME COPY PASTE COOKIECUTTER SHOUT

Any one reading this know an artist that can do some telegram stickers. Thank you so much.

So, for about a couple years now i've been single. Now it hasnt been the biggest of issues until of late, where im finding myself just soul crushingly lonely at night. Just when i get off the computer and head to bed for the night, the silence kicks in and just its myself and my phone. Hardly anyone is awake, but thats just how it is being awake at 2am - 3am, but its more of the fact laying in an empty bed, by myself. This lets the thoughts of being alone and almost unloved, unimportant to everyone. Causing me to almost cry myself to sleep at night, having to listen to a podcast or documentary just to kind of shut out that noise. While trying not to be the most desperate of single pringles looking to mingle, im trying to be more outgoing in the furry fandom, joining group chats and putting myself out there by posting art on twitter, discord, ect. I havent gone as far as dating site/apps, but im almost considering it. I guess the whole point of this journal is seeing if i can get any help in getting myself out there more, to meet people and have more chances of finding an SO or whatever. Thanks for reading.

Figured that I have a alright sized following (egotistical much?) i'd open an AMA for you guys. Well, the part of you that reads these stupid thought dumps. So, for those reading feel free to ask anything, find out more about Alex/I whom are pretty much the same personality.

So today's my birthday. Wooo. Just turned 23 and kind of isn't as amazing anymore as it used to be. Just another day yeah? Especially now I don't have any friends in person to party with or anything. Or that like the only gifts I get now are from family. But, just feels weird being 23, I still feel like I should be 20. Anyway, thanks for reading.

Tonight has been a particularly rough one. Started off with playing games of Siege with a friend who is in a really bad spot. So, I did my best to consul her while dealing with the stress of a siege game, spectacularly bad games. Towards the middle of this, they leave and just take time away from the game and call, understandable. Was a bit abrupt but the game was just too much, that's not the issue though, it's just preface for the tension that was there. Then, the real problem starts.

Backstory : Basically me and a guy were extremely close, give him the pseudonym of X. We went from almost dating to hardly talking much in a couple years. Today happens to be his birthday, and he pokes me today. Considering that we barely speak much to each other, and I'm really bad at birthdays, I of course forget. He brings it up to me and states that he's sad that I forgot. I really didn't want to get into it today, but my patience was already thin. This gets into a deep discussion about how we feel about what's going on. He doesn't talk much cause I've been quiet. I don't talk much cause I'm in a rough spot, and I think he wants space. I'm feeling awful cause, now I feel like I'm being blamed and I fucked up. This is all is starting to really eat away at me. Trying to have a calm discussion with X while counseling my friend. Finding myself in a place where I'm not really close enough to anyone to go to about this stress. I have friends and everything, but X used to be the person I could go to about everything. Now X is a cause of a good deal of stress just because the situation is so confusing and difficult. Having the memories of all the fun and good times spent together now while almost arguing with them about if I've fucked up or not. Making me feel super exposed almost, not to mention tired and depressed.

As I type this just trying to not spiral out into a deep depression and keep my head on straight. Battling with two people and my own head without feeling comfortable enough to talk to anyone about it. The only solace so far tonight is that I'm able to dump my thoughts onto a website, knowing little to no people read it, and those that do, have no idea how to respond or don't give a shit. Letting me to just display my honest thoughts on a page without much of a care.

Ill probably have to turn on a stream from my favorite content creator, just so I can laugh and forget about it all tonight till I'm feeling better in the morning. The fear now being is that I've told people I'm putting this journal up, while no offense to them, I don't consider myself in a position with them I could spew all this out.

Thank you for reading.

So I'm writing this journal to sort of empty my mind at 2:34am. This is usually the time that the loneliness kicks in, which it is. Which is understandable ya know, not a lot of people in the US are up at this time. But, mostly it's just all the negative thoughts creep in as well. Feelings of inadequacy and just overall depression I guess. Mostly just feeling a mixture of jealousy and sadness that I don't have anyone that I can really deeply lean on, in a relationship sense. Ya know, how people with an SO can be up at 3am with their partner and have someone there to talk to about anything. I sit here in my bed thinking about that, how alone I am at these times. Heart really aching at the thought of this stuff. Maybe this is pretty typical stuff for people? While I'm currently trying to be more social with furs, on telegram, here, Twitter in a sense, and reddit, it's not really getting anywhere. I've met a couple people I can consider friends and I'm grateful for meeting them. But, it's almost like a cycle of people I know, good friends come in as what I considered good friends slowly drift away. Makes me wonder how people can maintain a friend circle of more than 5 people? Or maybe I'm just delusional of what I think I see of people. Where people are only holding onto 3 or so friends but what they post and talk about makes it seem like they have more. This kind of battle in my mind takes place a lot where the logical is arguing with the depression. Flip flopping myself from grounded reason to near tears stress and worry. Cause of thoughts of, romantic isolation, if I'm going to make it in this world, how I compare to others, what people think of me. Very easy to spiral out and sink into these thoughts, but, as I type this, I'm feeling much better as it's almost expunging the thoughts somewhere else. I'm not sure if there's much sense in this journal other than just, trying to find some solace in my nightly depression. But, if you've read this far, I honestly think that shows some people here care.

Alrighty, so im booting up my second life again. But now that my character is now a herm, im trying to figure out how to make my avatar match. So this is a post hoping to get some help when it comes to the avatar stuff. Textures, meshes. body. ect ect. I am a SL baby again and good lord i have little idea what im doing. Hit me up here or on telegram and ill appreciate it so much. Thank you!

Its a rant, so this is just a post to let out frustration.

WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE. Why you gotta leave a girl on fucking read? That shit hurts, really. Just tried reaching out to some new people today through telegram. Message read, check, last seen like 10 minutes ago. its been hours since i sent that message. If you got time to read it, especially if you're using desktop version, then you got time to reply. I think even like OMEGA introverts would even type at least a "hi" back, no? I get out of my comfort zone to hopefully make a friend and try and make a conversation happen. But i guess im not worth the time?? Ouch.

Tank You Guys for Reading.

Ayo, local idiot here. So update, i found the button that lets me remove shouts. I've removed all the shouts that were just "thanks for the watch", while its a kind gesture, its absolutely annoying. Simply because it really comes off as a CTRL+V response, like a person is saying it out of necessity rather than genuine thanks. Adding onto this, I also just watch people as stated on my profile, just for porn and trying to make friends. By just giving a default shout to me, its not really doing much. Hence, if you've put a shout like that, I'm sorry but that's my reasoning.

I've also been on the hunt for furry groups to join, discord/telegram/FA are the main ones if anyone has suggestions.

Thank You.

I finally made a twitter for my sona commissioned art. You can find it https://twitter.com/AlexzandrSokol1. I never really used Twitter before, so please excuse my dumb brain.

Thank You guys

Heyo, bad news for you readers. So just like a month ago I commisined  Bankmango to do a piece for me. We had full conversations over the matter and kept in touch. Turns out they needed some financial help, so we came to the agreement that they'd line up another commission whenever it was convenient for them to work on. So this is totalling up to 180 dollars worth of I remember correctly. All fine and dandy by me, until the beginning of this month, it's been silence. On Telegram and their Twitter, now I'm worried. Did something happen again, do they need help? Then about last week/this week, all my messages get checked on telegram. So they've been read according to telegram, but the twitter is still silent. Then, todayish they make a tweet.

Now I'm at the point where I'm more upset than worried. I'm getting nothing from them regarding my first commission or just anything in general. Now I know their active cause twitter/telegram so now this is where I need help.

If any of you reading this has anything to help here. Contact with bankmango on twitter @bankmango,  Bankmango, or on Telegram bankmango1 can anyone talk to them/me? Like are they doing this to anyone else? Plus if anyone has a history with them, that would help as well. Any info is welcome, even if it's in case of having to go so far as to get a refund through PayPal.

Thank you guys. Please don't go and attack them or anything. I'm just looking to see if I can get in touch with them or if anyone has.

First off, bumping this journal. https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9763612. Money isnt much of an issue, just let me know and pick out an artist an idea.


On another note, ive been thinking of starting a twitter for my sona. Any input on the subject? Thank you guys.