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But seriously coffee lodge cut my hours and im all moved into my new place. just gotta put my laundry away and i literally have onthing left to do but art
So im prolly gonna be around a bit more again soon.
Once I catch up on all owed commissions I'll definitely be opening for something for sure.
But don't hold your breath quite yet. I'm just open for quotes or whatever right now in the comments but im not taking in any money or doing anything new right now.

Things have gotten... better and worse. but I'm going to guess it's a slow ascent
I'm going to have to find a new place. My roommates right now consist of my ex and my twin sister I don't get along with well in conflict situations.
But on the other hand I've been feeling better, I had a good breakdown and cried for the first time in like 2 months the other day, which is a good thing. Let out a lot of feelings I've been holding in.

I had the realization the other day that I'm never going to be able to be a true father. I never thought that would upset me in the past. Sure i could adopt or have someone artificially inseminated or whatever but the truth is, Why would I adopt when i know of kinds in need?
My older sister is a single mother of 3 children and she's on welfare and has diagnosed OCD and agoraphobia. I lived with her for about 2-3 months this time last year but I was really thinking of moving in with her again and staying this time. I think she really needs the support, not only emotionally but financially as well. I've been trying to visit her a few times and having tea.

Also looks like I'm going to be alone for valentines day. but whatever. it's just another day. First one I've had alone in a long time though. it's a relief actually
I'm starting to like the single life. I've been focusing on myself and learning to take care of myself properly rather then being dependent on anyone else. Though cuddles and affection are nice and all I'm not desperate for it. It's kinda peaceful actually. I think this is the first time I've been single and happy. Usually in the past I've used my relationships as an emotional crutch and that's not a healthy way to live.

Financially I'm in a bit of a rut. I'm hovering around the same amount of coin. But I'm making it by. I paid off my rent until the lease is done in 2 months so all my paychecks are going to go to saving to move. Hopefully to my sister's... but right now she has someone squatting at her house that she doesn't like and she cant get them to leave.

So yea. those are my thoughts. Kinda spooky thinking someones going to read this though

I've been on The hormone treatment for a little over 2 weeks now and it's going awesome. Sure I'm going through a second puberty and getting a zitty face but my voice is already changing. Dr. Martin in London Ont has a completely unique method for prescribing hormone treatment to transgender people. Not only does he prescribe the HRT, but he also prescribes something called Suprefact. It affects the pituitary gland in a way where it stops it from releasing estrogen. So he could perscribe me a higher dose of testosterone then they would normally start people on because normally the body would convert the extra testosterone into estrogen. This also means my transition would happen a LOT faster and i would only have 1 more 'shark week'!

The downside? It's frigging expensive.
Well, i could mostly afford it until i started getting CRAZY moodswings and tonnes of stress so they put me on some mood-steadying medication.
aka: antidepressants

I think i feel them kicking in ish? they told me it;d take a couple weeks for them to work because they gave me a very low dose but it's been 5 days and i feel... funny. You could say i feel nothing at all. I'm less stressed out but i feel like a robot. Not necessarily in a bad way, in a beep-boop-all-i-do-is-compute kinda way. Which is better then crazy/ irritated then upset then elated then depressed then angry then just being a bitch for no reason then having panic attacks at work because the store is FULL. OF. PEOPLE. etc.
Now I feel perfectly ok. and that's it. Beep boop.

Anyways. The point is that I can't afford both medication and hormone treatment. All I have is a part time job. I'm going to look in my drug coverage through my work but none of it is covered by OHIP.

Costs:
Delatestryl (Testoserone): $76.56
Suprefact (estrogen suppressor): $108.33
Fluoxetine (prozac) : $53.94

Total: $238.83
AKA: way too much for my part-time lazy butt can afford

Plus, due to my mood swings/anxiety I've had the past few weeks, I'm afraid i might lose my job. In a sense I feel like that might be best. I don't want to feel like my work has to cater to me like i have a disability, though I positively LOVE working there, maybe to regain my mental stability I should take some time off work. (if it comes to losing it, I'm not going to quit.)
Also on that note, my hormone treatment and meds WOULD be covered if i was on welfare. Right now I'm working 20-30 hours a week and after my rent/expenses i actually have as much money as someone on welfare would. It's dumb. But to me work gives me a purpose, and it feels like I'm going somewhere in my life.
This way i could slowly start chipping away at my credit card debt and the loans i have from people. Which is only like $250+$900... but still it would be nice if i had a surplus in money instead of debt.

SO, I'm definately going to open up for commissions soon. Maybe just paintings and such and not so much digital things (I kind of don't like doing digital stuff if it takes more than one sitting to get it done)

anyways. Thats whats going on in my life
It's pretty alright I think. Lots of people have much worse, I'm actually feeling alright with my situation. I'm getting help for my problems and even though i haven't been checked by a psychiatrist just yet to see with wrong with me, I feel like I'm getting somewhere and improving on myself. At least now I have confidence that can function in society without the fear and anxiety of not being capable.
How are you guys doing? anything going on? :3

Apparently when i sleep someone else,
when I'm in an open relationship,
makes me a cheater
when she was already planing on sleeping with a friend*
before she even negotiated me into the open relationship.

* (who thankfully warned me about it)

Okay so i know i quit fa and all but I still like having somewhere to write down my thoughts in the deep web.

Pretty much in my life so far has had it's ups and downs.

I'm trying to quit weed the best i can. It looks like life isn't going to let me do that.
Basically i found that in small, not regular doses it can help relieve my anxiety when I'm about to have a panic attack. Literally like if I'm just about to have a meltdown i can hit a toke and then just watch funny YouTube videos and go to bed.
The bad thing is that I've kind of formed a dependency, and I started smoking whenever my friends were, and then my friends we're just doing it all the time.

Basically, I am strictly saying that i will only smoke when i have to. I am fully aware that i cannot function while it is in my system even the day after. So i can't even hang out with my friends the nightbefore because my retard sister tthinks it's hilarious to blow it in my face even when i said i didn't want any. I really did a terrible job the next day at work so I think that's why my hours might have been a little cut.

Anyways. On the other hand.
A girl likes me? a GIRL likes me? a girl likes ME?
WHAT? It must be a trap.
She's really fucking hot though. I have no idea why she would be any way interested in my sorry ass. Maybe somewhere in my self loathing I ended up looking like a cool guy?

Too bad it was all a set up by my sister. She was so invasive she kept demanding to know if i was going to kiss her and shit. That's not how set up works, you introduce the people and leave it Ay that and hope for the best. It doesn't warrant you to invade my personal life.

On the other hand, My basement flooded. All my stuff including my furnature, My desks, My shelving i keep my art on, my box spring in my bed, My dresser, My computer and pretty much anything that's on the ground all has water damage. My computer was still on and running when i got home from work though, but it was in a 1 inch puddle, thank fucking god I bought a case that had 1 inch legs on it.
My tablet was on the floor though. I don't think it's going to still work. We'll see.
My whole room is gOing to forever stink though. It's never going to not sick of mildew now.

To top it all off I've had the best news i could even think of though.
HORMONE TREATMENT. I GOT APPROVED.
I'm going to London (Ontario) on November 25th to see Dr Martin. I've heard indirectly from another ftm that when i see him i pretty much leave with the T in my hand.
Guys. I'm so fucking excited. I can finally be who i was meant to be. You guys dint even know. Just the thought of this step never seemed achievable to me even just a few months ago. I can't fucking wait. And the girl who likes me is excited for it too. I think. She's been asking me about the changes that could happen and i pretty much told her everything but the dick - growing part. Lol.

No person
dude or chick
wants a guy
with no dick

found them in the woods

and then

proceeded



to













leave them there and walk away.

... yea i know this is anti-climatic

By no means is this a pity plea, or a guilt trip. This is just an explanation for my absence.
Please don't give me copious amounts of ass-pats. Please. It's the last thing I want or need right now.



I've been through some financial and emotional troubles lately and trying to cope.
Only yesterday did I know I was able to make rent when my sister showed up and gave me money.. like, a lot of money. Like I can live off it for about 2-3 months now.
My credit card was last/stolen and a new one is coming through the mail so I wouldn't able to resort to it for emergency, I only had $120 in my account until yesterday, and my phone bill came up to $115 because aparenly the last payment bounced and now I have $70 in fees to pay just because I had nothing in my bank account. a $45 charge from the bank and a $25 charge from the phone company.

On top of that It looks like i may have to enter a legal battle with my last employer which is the last thing I want to do.

I'm also having some pretty bad personal issues as well.
Me and my bf mutually broke up... kind of? It's complicated and personal and I don't really want to get into it. Something like a mutual agreement that we won't last. We started dating almost 2 years ago this september and have been friends for much longer. And have been living together since april-ish.. so it's pretty serious.

My gender disphoria only seems to be getting worse. I haven't seen a therapist or anything.. ever.. in my life. I'm scared to find one and don't know where to go. I called the distress hotline and they just seem to brush me off (even though i know that not true at all) though it was like 3am.
I'm pretty much 99% positive that I'm ready for hormone treatment. I can't watch a FtM transition video without crying for hours.

I'm thinking about moving to London (ontario) but I don't really know anyone there that I would like to move in with. Or really anyone I really know at all in london, though i dont really know much people here in Sarnia anyways.
I just sit in my room all night.. getting drunk and passing the time until I can get sleep again.
Yea, I guess this is the first real time I'm admitting this to more then just one person. I wouldn't say I'm an alcaholic though
It's just that i can't/wont go 3 days without getting drunk at some point. but this is a relitively new thing in the past month.

I'm not even emotional writing all this down. I'm just stating the facts.
I have problems just like anyone else. And I know mine aren't the worst but this is the way they are affecting me and it's getting increasingly hard to function. Sorry....


Thank you for your consideration and your time.

I'm feeling pretty im the dumps

I've just... got so much on my mind
but I started watching ftm transition videos
and I just... can't stop crying

It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't know what its like

to be trapped in a body, when the only hopes is medical intervention
that you can't afford

I feel like a parapalegic that just wants to walk.

at least people who are parapalegic don't get looked down apon

I feel like a freak of nature

it feels I'm perpetually 13, just. Still uncomfortable and out of place in the world

I just
I just want to grow up already

But I can never grow up to be the man i was supposed to be in the first place

if i had a friend that didn't keep me around because they feel obligated too.
or for sexual favours

that would be cool

screenshot from facebook: http://i.imgur.com/VZEmhaZ.png?1

and the link in the comment: http://holdyoursilence.tumblr.com/p.....-to-all-things



Im literally so fucking flustered over this you dont even know
Its fucking ruined my day

hey look Im sober for once

Maybe I'll actually get something done?


i shouldn't take credit for it htough. truth is the only reason why i've been sober for at least 24hours at this point is because i keep sleeping completely through the 12 hours the liquor store is open
besides im broke and have to put it on my credit card anyways

It's days like this
where i can't help myself from wondering what everyone's life would be like if i just wasn't in the way

beck would no longer have someone to bitch about to the neightbors and get everyone to hate me for some fucking reason

brenden would have a lot less stress with trying to avoid me

his dad wouldn't have to owe me a bunch of money

don wouldn't have to put up with my crazy shit

chris wouldn't feel obligated to be around me

and i wouldn't have to be here, living like this.


I wonder how each person would first that i was gone, if i did dissapear

beck would probably just right an angry letter on the whiteboard about how i'm not doing the dishes a week after i'm gone

chris probably woudln't have anything to do next weekend, even if he does decide to hang out with me again

My seccond life friends probably would assume i'm caught up in RL stuff and forget about me when i never go online again

maybe months later jess would ask me for more money i guess. idk. as sad as that sounds it's probably true

Don probably would notice first though. and he's probably doing to kick down my door and pester me about this journal in:

T minus
5
4
3
2
1


nevermind. he never checks FA anyways

man life is fucking boring as tits.
I just literally sit at home all day

I DIDNT NEED THAT STINKIN JOB ANYWAY


/anhero

Apparently lately i feel like I'm getting better and better at "passing" as male now.

Recent photos from a few days ago: http://imgur.com/a/wnuNa#3

Today me and my boyfriend went shopping for clothes... and this was pretty much the first time i've shopped for clothes... ever haha
most of my guy-clothes were hand-me-downs, and i'm too embarrassed and/ashamed to go buy my own clothes.
I felt less... weird when someone was at least around with me.

Usually when I'm in public at any time my social anxiety is on hyperdrive because I'm afraid people would think I'm weird or crazy because i'm some kind of he-she looking person and I'm likely to get misgendered.
This... shouldn't be a problem or even relatable for most people.

Pretty much all I can say is that it's not that i was to change into a man, but i just want myself to look more like the real me.
People tell me that i act too feminine as a guy but in reality i don't feel like some kinda burly manly man trapped in this hourglass, 5'2", 130lbs body. I'm just some... dude. maybe a little effeminate but who cares?

anyways. All these new clothes makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. I feel more like how i should... but I also feel like i might cry because.. well... it shouldn't be such an effort to make myself feel better. I feel like some kind of freak where a simple day at the store makes me feel like some kind of breakthrough.

Maybe because all the other times I've ever gone clothes shopping with anyone (especially my mother), she would force me to try on all kinds of girly stuff.. and it always felt so wrong.
Do you know what she said to me yesterday? I was telling her that i was having some problems with my boyfriend because of me being transgender and she tried telling me that the transgender part is the problem. she called it "unnatural"
that was a real punch in the feels. I hope one day she will understand. She loves me and never meant anything wrong, she just doesn't understand.. and i dont blame her.

as far as other life things go, I got a kitten!!
isn't he cute? c:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv4lZb1c8Ws
http://imgur.com/a/qKVo7#0

So a customer complained to another employeee that she was waiting at the window to be served for 10 minutes and i was in the back of the truck with my arms folded ignoring her, and when i saw her and served her i wasn't smiling... last friday

And because of this "one more time something liek this happens" I'm going to be fired.

What? I would never do that on purpose. and since when do i sit at the back of the truck ignoring customers?
I wasn't smiling because I missed a funeral i should have been at with my sister. I didn't go because i was supposed to work that day but then they called it off but then they called it on again or some bullshit.

what the fuck
What did I even do wrong before this that would make him hate me? I've always done my best to be super friendly and I take my job very seriously.
Maybe the customer was lying? maybe i just didn't notice her?
I'm on thin ice over ONE mess up?

I can't afford to lose my job...
my credit card is nearly maxed out... once i pay it off i should get rid of it.

fml

so yea. I don't get any day off this weekend, not even good friday

YAY WORK

WORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORK


I'm going ahead and drawing myself some things before i explode, please dont hate me commissioners <3


DON't WORK 2 JOBS; KIDS! It's not fun, i promise.
Hopefully next paycheck i could pay off my credit card and my rent and then I'll finally be DEBT-FREE! :D

i took on a seccond job... because as much as i love working at Kel's... i can't afford to have my paycheck bounce while only wokring part time...

and it's the fucking chiptruck again
i don't remember it being this brutal though. like shiiit.
fuck
11 hours and no breaks.
not even washroom breaks
like
fuck

plus this year the boss is really cracking down in the workers
and installed security cameras INSIDE THE TRUCK
what the fuck am i supposed to steal? potatoes?
god.

I don't liek it :c

a lot of people who love skrillex say it's missing that UMTH, and a lot of people who didn't like skrillex are now saying they love it.
In my mind, skrillex's mosic had that bite, that distinct sound that made you want to riot and gets you pumped. now it's just noise, a bark without the real bite

some of the sounds have a totally NEW sound though, not dubstep at all. like the last song in the album "Fire away".
It's really chill, something you would sit down and listen to rather then something that gets you up and running like his music used to be

blahblahblah my phone got stolen

blahblahblah i hate my job

blahblahblah my life sucks

blagh
I'll go cry myself to sleep because i have work in the morning now

So like. I'm moving to a new apartment...
and I'm scared shitless.

I only just started living on my own about a month ago, in my older sister's basement. It's a 1.5 room basement that's partially finished.
...and in april I'm moving in with my boyfriend.

It's a nice 2-bedroom (and finished basement) townhouse that Me, by boyfriend Don (), my twin sister () and her boyfriend, Brenden. We all signed the lease and it's official that we are moving there for April.


I'm worried that living together will drive us apart (read: me living with him will drive him away).
I've been a twin all my life so I'm used to never having to be alone. But Don on the other hand was practically a single child (had one significantly older brother from what i can understand) for the longest time and is used to/prefers being alone most of the time. So I'm worried that I'm going to bug him too much and he'll get annoyed of me D:

It's a strange mix of emotions. I'm excited because I get to see him and my sister a lot more often/all the time, and that I'm going to be really independent and on my own now. But I'm scared because i can never really know for sure what that means in it's entirety.

It's both a thrilling and threatening, terrific and terrifying, and all round exciting in every way.

they're like freaking mermaids

half awesome and half even-more-awesome-instead-of-fish

also you almost never see them anywhere but when you do its like OMGSOCOOL
/NOSEBLEEDS

I had a great day today, i woke up in the bed of someone I love. I went to work at a place i love to work at, my boss was in a great mood and recently he told me that he's moving me to full time. I got to help train and show around a new person, a co-op student. My boss game me a chef jacket yesterday to show me that i'm important in his restaurant. I spent the rest of the day with don and went shopping and he took me to bulk barn and offered to buy me whatever i wanted because he didn't get me any candy for valentine's day. We went shopping at the mall adn went to wal-mart. I rode the bus home and made some of the cranberry tea i got from the bulk barn and used my new tea infuser that i got there.
(looks like this: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikiped.....in_Infuser.jpg)

all-in all it was a great day.

Why do i just feel like crying. I feel so horrible and there's no reason why.
Its times like tonight where I really think i need to see a therapist and get mental help. Lately I
ve been feeling so down and depressed... i don't understand why.
The co-op student i was training today told me that she's Manic-depressant... I asked her if that was pretty much bipolar disorder and she said it's a variation but only slightly different, meaning that you don't flip flop every couple minutes from happy/normal to super-angry-flipout-mode and more like every few weeks or months you flip from manic (happy, positive and ontop-of-the-world) to depressed (sad, lethargic, unmotivated and.. well, depressed).

Sounds. so much. like. me.

My new computer is now a 1000$ reddit and Seccond life machine.

here's my avi:
http://i.imgur.com/0C4dju8.png
pretty sick eh? All i need to do is figure out how to change the Krawk avatar's colours to my fursona... some other time though :P

I literally spent ALL. DAY. playing second life.
in my defense, i haven't had a full day of doing nothing in a long time.

Also, i couldn't *really* play seccond life until now because of limited bandwidth as well as the fact that it would FREAKING MELT my laptop.

it was nice doing nothing all day for once n.n
I'll work on commissions after work tomorrow and so forth c: