wow i go away for a bit and then come back to a flooded inbox of watches and comments. ty to 2 for featuring me.

omg im trying to not freak out and cry again. ty everyone!!!

ty so much :iconlusopakak for my avatar!!

my latest submission is a way for me to work out some of the general frustration ive found before.
see, im half vietnamese, but i guess im oliveyyellow enough to not really pass for white. but i found out from an early age like, kindergarten or so i learned that i wasn’t allowed to speak my other language in public places. i was bilingual early on.

ok, as much as a yr old can be, but defaulted to Vietnamese, ’cause, well, that was what was spoken at home alongside english. i could read and count pretty high and do basic math, which may or may not be good for a 5 yr old.

so 1st day of big girl school ever I said, “hello” in Vietnamese to my teacher, not thinking that this would freak her out. for whatever shitbrain reason she immediately assumed that I was swearing at her in my crazy moonman language, twisted my ear, had a note sent to my parents, and I ended up in special education classes for the year. punishment? didnt wanna havve to teach with me in the class? fuck if i know. i was too young. all i know is that it hurt and was wrong of me and it seemed like my fault.

i know my dad was pissed. never fuck with ex-army, lol. but it didn't get get me back into the normal classes any sooner.

so my parents decided it was best to never speak Vietnamese in front of me again, so that I wouldn’t pick up the habit and unknowingly cause myself grief in school again. or rather, more grief.

this was in a diverse mixed city in nj. and that was the 80’s. tv and pop cultre and the attitudes of kids around me taught me that asians were weird, japanese and chinese were smart and vietnamese were ugly and dumb and did laundry and sold vegetables, and that there would never be, for instance, an asian president. asians are not heroes except in kung-fu flicks on saturday afternoons after soul train on wpix 11, and are at best sidekicks. the movies told me, tv told me, magazines and comics and lots of places with no one that looked like me told me was much, much better to be white.

for the longest time, i wished i was.

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time Ive held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
Its just as well for all Ive seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And youre the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And youre the only one who knows

if one more person says something to me in mangled chinese , and then explains it's "happy new year" or even worse, "happy chinese new year" i will straight up punch them in the fucking gob.

at the urging of  azuredragon and (until very recently)  bluescales i fist visited here, and finally remembered enough to set up an account.

i draw, i play the piano and i sing. most of the art i do are gifts to friends, so i may or may not post it here.

i guess i should get an avatar. huh. maybe one based on (as  sandypants called it) my DURRRR-sona (a dragon).