Much has happened. I’ve been able to control this impulses much better, been a little more active with people and working a lot. Sadly my computer has died back in the beginning of the month of June. I ordered a new pc but won’t be here until the start of July so I got nothing.

I rather not talk about my problems anymore since this isn’t the place but it’s hard not to talk about it. This year is not going well not just for me but for everyone. Stay safe at least.

I want to first say I want to apologize to ShaloneSK for what I did on discord. I need to explain some things I need to get off my chest. I have developed an OCD for the past 2 years where I would get close to saying something and/or doing something horrible or offensive to someone. I'm not a horrible or heartless person. I know this sounds like I am talking shit and trying to get attention but I'm currently in the worst crisis of my life. I know you will never forgive me or understand why I did it. I'm strong enough to accept my actions and to face the consequences.

Acting like a insensitive jerk isn’t the only thing. I have also had thoughts of deleting accounts and artwork I’ve had for a long time. It’s like my mind is telling me to delete my past and destroy any artwork I’ve made because People won’t like it anyway. I accidentally deleted my newgrounds account and already lost years of progress.

I am lost now and I hate myself to keep myself from acting like a idiot. I feel like I should have no friends in my life. I never acted like this before in my life. I will never understand and all I want to say is sorry but I feel like now a apology isn't enough.

I'm acting like a heartless prick. It's hard to control my actions. I removed you from my friends list on discord cause I didn't want this to happen again but I guess I was wrong. I understand why you blocked me for this and I feel like it was the best decision. I don't want you to look at me as a heartless person now who says things to get others offended. I'm just a man trying to control his actions in quite possibly the worst crises I have ever had since middle school.

I have developed a kind of tourettes which makes me act like the worst man in history. Ever since I ran into an old friend who betrayed me I haven't been the same. This event happened I believe 9 years ago and after some time I was able to move on cause I had friend who helped me but Now I have trust issues to new people and it’s hard for me to make friends. The anger returned when I ran into that individual. For two years I have tried to control that anger and rage to prevent me from expressing those actions and I have failed. I failed as a artist, a human being, and a friend.

I have no idea on what to do anymore. I am lost and scared of what I might do next. I removed some of my friends who I have done this to. It feels like this is the best way to prevent me from doing this again. I've lost too many good friends because of me. Should I just quit everything? I don't know.

I need help. I am losing it. what should I do? Why am I acting like this even though I don't mean it? I really don't know and I will never understand.

I was a mistake. A waste of time. No talent. No passion. No respect for people. There are no 2nd chances in this world and I blew it.

Finally, I just hope people can forgive me but the chances of that are slim now. maybe it is better for me to just disappear from the face of the earth. I really am sorry.

sigh

Hello all

I’m very sorry if I haven’t posted or done anything productive in a wile. So much is happening as you guessed that it’s the holidays and it’s going to get busy. Another is running into another old friend I saw on twitter back in late September. I’m not going to talk about it since I rather keep this between us but let’s say she’s wasn’t pleased on seeing me.

Anyway I hope next year will change for the better. I even started to stream on twitch a little more and made a discord server for those who want to join. So Happy holidays and have a Merry Christmas.

Discord - https://discord.gg/cZMVKCp

Twitch - https://twitch.tv/manicpc

I'm sorry if I haven't been on for a wile. Real life problems, running into old friends, and trying to hang on to my sanity. I apologize if I am saying all these negative things. I will try to be more positive in the future.

I’m not sure if people remember what happened between me and another artist in the past. This was posted on twitter originally.

I don’t know where to start. For so long as I can remember I’ve been having a trust issue for years. What happened 10 years ago with a certain individual has had an affect on me and I want answers. Curiosity can kill someone to a point they will do something drastic. It all started when I was friends with this individual who I knew for a wile. We may of not had a lot in common but we were friendly to each other for me to like her. Acted friendly to me as to say your a good friend. We even got to meet in person.

After a wile we kind of stoped talking as I was going through college. At some point about 10 years ago I saw her on Furaffinity and thought I haven’t seen her in a wile so I should say hi. I did. All I said was hello haven’t seen you in a long time. What’s up? I don’t know what the response was 100% but it was in the line of I don’t need you anymore. I was using you. You are nothing. I responded asking so I was just a stick in the sand. She said yes. This didn’t go well with me and I responded with a word I rather not say. She laughed it off. That’s not the end. She posted the private conversation we had on her front page to embarrass me more for all to see. This was the final nail in the coffin. I didn’t know what to do anymore. Ever since that day I lost my trust with everyone I knew.

she even left a comment on one of my pictures I drew if I remembered was “no one will live you. Your going to be alone forever.” Rage fueled through my blood stream. I was furious to a point where I made a second account to talk with her as she just said lol mad. Yes. Yes I was mad. Fortunately I had friends to calm me down which helped a lot. After a wile I tried to talk to her which she immediately blocked me. After that I didn’t feel ok. Luckily I had friends to help me forget but after many years I was getting paranoid. I was afraid of people betraying me to a point where I wouldn’t talk to anyone. Then at the beginning of this year I ran into her on twitter. I didn’t know What to do so I tried to be friendly as a way to see maybe things have changed. I wish I was more clearer to her.

But this came off as just random gibberish to me saying I wanted to see if we can try to be friends again. I don’t know what I was thinking. So much going through my mind like running into her triggered all the rage and depression I felt years ago. She says she’s a changed person and thinks I’m trying to be friends with her because she’s a good artist and now looks at me like I’m an immature maniac and proceeded to block me from all 3 of her accounts. Now we’re here. No answered for the questions I’ve given her. Unable to remove and destroy a past mistake I’ve made. My mental state is almost at its peak of doing something drastic. I don’t want to hurt anyone. It’s not easy forgetting something that affected you.

I know what your thinking ( if anyone even reads this) why are you bothering with something that happens years ago and what does this one little event has to do with her? Through out my life I’ve been the target of bullies as long as I can remember. When I met her she was kind. I looked at her as a good friend but when she said she doesn’t need me anymore or was using me that broke me and was the final nail in the coffin. She destroyed my trust with everyone and made me think everyone is agents me. So just move on? I’ve been trying but the memories are like etched in my head. I’m a very emotional guy when it comes to friendships. I’m at my low point in it as many of my friends moved away or too busy with real life situation.There real life business is non of mine.

Mental Illness is a serious condition to have and it seems she doesn’t get it. Like I don’t care what she does now and it’s none of my business but all I want from her are answers to why. So what does this have to do with us? Nothing. You are not part of it. Don’t be a part of it. This should be between only her and me. So why are you telling us this? It’s been almost more then 10 years and nothing has changed. I want this to end and I wanted to get this off my chest. I want it to end in a way that makes us both satisfied.

An end to this long pain I had. She may not have the same pain as I have. I don’t know what pain she feels or if she has any. I do not know. All I know is was no answers. Are you gaslighting? No I’m not but since I deleted the evidence long time ago it made me wish I didn’t. Now people with think I’m gaslighting her for attention. I’m not looking for attention. I rather have people recognize that I exist in this world as a human then a punching bag for you to take your anger on. Like I said I don’t want to rope people into this.

So in the end I don’t know where to go anymore. This is t a cry for attention. This isn’t a cry for help. This is a depressed man expressing a problem he wanted to get off his chest. I apologize if this is going on for too long but that’s what’s happening to me. I don’t want to say who this person is as I don’t want to draw more attention to her even though she blocked me. But if you know who I’m talking about, then congrats. This is not about art or fame and popularity, This is about actions.

Thank you.

If you were able to read all this congrats. Life is shit.

So much is happening to me. I’m sry I haven’t been active on here. Depression and mental breakdowns have been affecting me. I don’t know how to handle this anymore. Having thoughts of deleting everything I worked for has been flowing through my mind. What is wrong with me?

I’m trying my best to fix these impulses. I’m just scared I might do something stupid.

Sigh

Well I have to say things are looking up. Been drawing a little more and been at a stable state. I wish to get back into making art for you guys and to do commissions. However I feel like I don’t have the support to get going. I’m not begging for attention, I just want to know that I’m exist still. Not trying to inflate my ego cause that’s dumb.

Feel free to support me at my twitter. It would help a lot.

https://www.twitter.com/love_manic

Thank you and have a pleasant day.

No matter how hard I try I cant get the passion back. All because of that person who destroyed it 10 years ago. If you know what happened congrats cause she killed the thing I love. Now she thinks I'm trying to steal her fame even though I dont care about that. All I care about is getting answers and it will never leave.

Again I know, why bother now? it happened years ago, move on. again if you been in my shoes you would feel the same going through betrayal after betrayal of getting left behind as they are able to move on. knowing this person in RL then have them spit in your face when they think you are useless is just like leaving a dead cat on your porch. it will haunt you.

If you know who I am talking about then feel free to let em know cause all i want to do is talk like human beings. not to have a internet fight cause no one really wins those. i really dont want to go to a point i will regret :l

please help me.

I can’t take it anymore. No matter what happens it won’t leave. The event that happened years ago will never go away. What happened that day change me from someone who had a passion to nothing. Thanks to that person I can’t recover from it. The pain the hatred building up is making me distrust everyone. What do I do? I don’t know. Should anyone care?

Fuck this.

For the past few months I have been dealing with a large amount of stress. About 10 years ago an event happened with someone I use to be friends with. The name will not be shared for reasons. We didn’t have much and we stoped communicating for a wil till I decided to say hi but she just brushed me aside like a stick saying I’m not worthy. As you guess I was livid and said something stupid only for her to post it as to make it worst. This left an impression on me. I was mad for a wile but somehow was able to move on. Before I was able to shield it away but as soon as I ran into that person all those emotions broke through. I tried to be as respectful as I can but She thought I was trying to leach off her success. Sigh. It hasn’t left my mind and won’t leave like a cancer. When you think you are free it comes back to finish you off.

I know your thinking why bother if it happened 10 years ago? It’s hard to forget the past and now I’m afraid I might do something dumb. I don’t want to be that guy who goes to great lengths. That’s not me. What do I do?

Normal account - https://twitter.com/ManicPc

NSFW account - https://twitter.com/love_manic

I would appreciate it if you guys follow. It would be nice. Thank you.

Well it’s shit.

Even though I got to see my mother last month, things now have been kind of rough. Just lost a long time friend I knowned for years. Though we don’t talk to each other much it sucks losing a friend cause of political reasons. Been slow on artwork, haven’t had that spark again.

I have no reason to continue this. Not sure if it’s the location or my personality I need to change. Fuck.

It feels like everyone on here has left me in the dirt. Is there something I’m missing or I’m just not a good artist? I know I don’t post much but there’s just a feeling there is something I’m missing that I’m unaware of. Like people are ignoring me for something I’ve done. I just can’t shake the feeling off. Maybe I’m just washed up or maybe not active enough.

Sigh 😔

Have you ever felt that you aren't worth it? Have you felt that your work is not enough? Have you ever felt jealousy for someones success? well that's what I'm feeling.

For a long time, I have been depressed to a point where it doesn't matter. I lost. I can't do anything right with my life. It's hard to try to draw when your haunted by the past, believing your work to be a waste. Every time I try to draw something, many emotion are released at once, never to know if people will like it.

I tried to draw, animate, and even streamed but, no matter what, it's a waste. Why do I bother anymore. Can't find that spark to keep me going. I'm pathetic.

What can I do? I really have no idea anymore.

Fuck my life.

https://twitter.com/love_manic

Made a twitter for my NSFW content. Followers would be appreciated.

Well it was a bad time to start a tumblr cause there getting rid of NSFW content. bad move...........

so finally getting my bearings in gear. put some of my work on newgrounds since a lot of artists are going there.

here is mine - https://ambex.newgrounds.com/

just realize i havent posted a journal in a year damn......

Going to tiny paws was a good idea. Got to meet people and even got to see a few artists I know. It was fun and would do it again next year.

Currently I would like to work on commissions for people, so if anyone is interested let me know 😊

Well its been a very long time i have been to a convention. last time was anime Boston in 2006.

So now I am going to Tiny Paws in Danberry CT on Sept. 8-10th. If anyone is going to that convention, love to meet you :)

I know i sound like a broken record when i say this, trying to get back into drawing. though real life is a problem and other stuff. I need to read some tutorials.

yeah I cant draw. every time i look at my work I never have that kind of quality. so I don't know what to do, keep going or just give up and never draw again.

so its been 10 years ive been on here so yeah but i forgot i made this 10 years ago.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/139891/

didnt expect to be popular. and expected it to die quickly :/

Its been how long since i updated something? more then one year ago. I know i havent been the artist ppl would want but Ive been in a tight spot.

First off work has been annoying, money problems, depression, and well....... havent found that spark in drawing. Ive may have found it, I think. Anyway, I need some help. I will try to make some YCH. I would appreciate a little support or if anyone remembers me.

If you are interested in doing a commission feel free to ask.

Also my birthday is like next month so yeah :l

have a nice xmas everyone. :)

http://www.twitch.tv/manicpc

come join and watch me play a very stupid game.