...I can write this shit down.
The bad phase is here again, and I can act really crazy. I hope I will survive this again. And I hope it will go away soon.
I won't eat, I won't smoke and I won't do nothing to satisfy myself. A creature like me must fade away.

Raffle link here: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35765979/

My english is not perfect, sry!
I practiced again digitaly. (Still with mouse)
My birthday is soon, so I have an idea, I give You a gift. A new game on my page. Now you can win a REF SHEET or as usally a FULL COLORED FULL SHADED ART WITH BACKGROUND. The winner can choose. On my last adopt and on this piece you can see how much I developed my digital art and my trad art.

Rules of the game:
<3 Watch me
<3 Faw this picture
<3 Make comment "Cake"
Bonus: If you share it in your journal you will get one more number.

If you not compished these I can't add you to the list and if you unwach me after the raffle you can't play anymore.

Good luck everyone!
On my birthday I gonna have a long shift x3 but on 22of april I do the raffle ^^

It starts with soft little worries. When you realize, actually no one cares. You start to questioning yourself. Starting to wonder if it's you. You are trying harder, trying to care. But no ones need it anymore. You talk to them but they won't listen. You are ignored. Maybe they are busy, you say. Yes. Always. Not even a single second free. Okay, you realize it. After this moment, you embrace the truth: you are alone and there is no one for you. You gave up yourself to them, and you are worthless now. And the voices came, starting they cruel wisper. "You were worthless all the time, no one want you to be, don't bother them..." and so. After a time, you will break. You will start to agree. It's only matter of time now. They will take their time, don't worry. But... You can have a choice here.
You can fight. It's hard, and absolutly low chance for success. It will hurt. It will burn. You will hurt bad.
Or... You can fade. You can give up the fight. Accepting the truth. You are nothing. You worth nothing. You are a waste of space. How would like to continue? Will you end your life or stay here, do nothing, getting depth, and deeper, maybe have an addiction, force yourself to get up every fucking morning, make your fucking job, go your fucking home, lie your fucking friends and go to fuck to sleep. Every. Single. Day. Forever.
With your fucking voices in your worthless head.
If I change my mind... no one will remember me. I will fade away like I never was. And you know what? That's the joy. All of your suffer will erase. All of your efforts will no more. Just the nothingless. The final joy. The end.
Is it worth it? I think it is.

I don't know what's left from the guy who joined here many many years ago. Maybe I'm just too much sensitive or maybe I'm weak. I feel useless and worthless. I don't even know why am I writing this, maybe this is a scream for help or just another fucked up stuff I do instead of sleeping before work.
And no. This is not just a falldown in my mood. I have this feeling since I was 13. And now, eighteen years later still feel the same. I know. Lot of you never knew. Lot of you never will. I never show it. What I really want is just end this fucking circle what I called my life. Just stop. Exit from it, eacape from this reality. And you know why? Because I don't. I don't know why have I theese feelings, I don't really know what I did wrong to feel this way. It just happening. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy, I cant recall the feeling of it.
Why am I doing this? No one's there. No one has to care, I don't need their pity. Maybe I just humiliating myself for you, just to get more pain to finally get enough curage to finish my life. Or just asking for help, or just write this shit down to you. Just for sure. So, if I gone for a long time from online, maybe I'm dead. I won't say goodbye.

So I have to tell some things that I hate. The list is not long, I am a peaceful trash. But what I can't stand is

- Humans. Really. They are greedy and endlessly jealous creatures. They even kill each other for money and religion. Who else doing the same in this world?
- Liars. I am a honest guy. Please respect me with the same behavior.
- PC and console games/gamers/gamer "culture"/gamer youtubers/gameplay videos ect. Basically everything with "gamer" in it. I used to play with games, but the COD-CS-PUBG-Fortnite-LOL-DOTA-WOW-HOTS stuff and fans and community actually made me hate all the good things too. Also Second Life. Sorry, I have first.
- Nationalism. If you are talk to me, please understand, I'm not interested in your nationality, I don't care where are you from and I don't even want to know your nation's spirit. I care about you. If I'm curious about your culture I will ask. By the way we living on Earth, right?
- Rollplay. Nope. I'm not into RP. Those small stuff like a *hugs* comment or so is almost okay, totally, but nothing more. Please don't even ask it :D
- Cringy furry talk and stuff, like "Pweeze, Pawesome, *notices your bugle*" and so. God, I so really hate those stuff. You know... Ryan Hill stuff.
- The vision of equality. No, there isn't equality at all. Yes, we have rights and we can use them but is the judge equal to us? Or the police officer? Or the president? I don't think so. We are not the same and certainly not equal. But hey, it can be fun. Just accept it and move on.
- Too much liberalism/libertarian-ism. Just don't do what you want. Do what you able to do in the suit of law.
- SJWs and evolved SJWs (antifa). Shut the fuck up. You are offended? I'm offended because y'all exist.
- LGBTQABCDEFGHIJ[...]XYZ warriors. Oh, yes, I am a gay shit. So what. Please don't fight for me. I don't need your help in my life, thanks. I had a lot of harassment because LGBT and their Hungarian ways. No, thank you.
- This era. Okay, we use internet, to... connect with each other? No we use it for porn, memes and harassing others. Anyone uses their phone like 24/7 all day, all week, all time. We built our safe places and forgot about the world in real life. I hate the clothes, the music, the movies, the food, the games, the people's philosophy. Not a thing.


Yeah, I'm a pathetic homophobic weird cunt. You can hate me. But I'm honest. And I don't want you to respect me. I want you to not annoying me. And if you keep those in mind, we can be friends.
P.S.
I understand sarcasm and irony and I like it so :D

I had some bad days. I was at S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Camp, a 4days larp camp in Hungary but I forgot to took my medicine for a week and it has it's consequences.
I felt really useless and worthless. I felt like there is nothing in my life. Like you running for the goal but nothing is at the end of the line. I was lonely and I really hated myself. It was terrible. Hopefully there is a lot of stuff what I do when I'm under myself, like listening to music and watch some art. This time I talked about my feelings with a friend too and all of that helped me a lot. I really want to thank some of our fellow furries for they artwork, even for being with us and making stuff to us to make our life a little better. Thanks  PepperCoyote and  FoxAmoore for your music, because this is the language what I can understand for a long time ago. Also thanks for you  O-kemono for your inspiring and positive messages in your art. I really appreciate your work here.
Sorry for all of this but I had to say it loud.
Thank you!

I started to fully create and finish my OC/fursona to be perfect.
The Creatura infernum is not a simple stuff, it's too much powerful so I need to balance it a little. I will update when I'm done.

Well, for the new year, I break an old promise and make a new one.
I will be more good than evil in 2017. It means I will watch over my sanity too.