Well I basically rescued a cat. He likes to lay on my desk or sleep in my chair so no puter easily. I’m sorry this year I haven’t been all that productive. Eh. Least teh katte gives me a positive reason; trying to give him a good home.

<o_O> ?!

<O_O> ...




MRAH! <#oOO;>

Huh. Just took 8 3/4 years.

I hope you all are okay. I haven't done a lot lately, not been drawing much. Ideas yes, but doing, no. Mostly tired. I finally got healthcare and they have me on antidepressants. I think I feel better, just not doing anything.

It snowed on Thursday, mainly ice and rain but some snow. It snowed in the night, leaving a beautiful blanket of white, some parts gaping, some with things poking through, it wasn't thick but it was real snow, lasting snow for over a day. I haven't seen this in a long, long time. I called my work and said I couldn't come, despite the roads being free. $25 isn't something I care about more than going outside for long in snow, something I've never been able to do since 2010. I went out for a long walk the one cold day last winter; wind chill of 0 F, and this winter I'll have one other kind of great day. It was so pretty, so quiet in the first hour or so. Nothing was as bothersome as it would otherwise be.

I saw a few things. I saw a mini snowman. I absolutely loved the house with a bunch of little decorations and a chime, benches, other things, it felt like the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Along with a creek from up under a bridge that went far back, with mostly dead trees, some not, some brush and lots of tall reeds, the water being disturbed by ice and snow falling and everything with at least a smattering of snow on it. Crunchy snow under my boots was also fun. The sky was just a little darker than the snow, and faintly swirling to one direction. I've never seen the neighborhood this beautiful. It felt like four hours, but was only two. I'm so happy for it.

I also appreciate not having to be stuck in a t-shirt even in home for now.

This has been a bad year for me. I have not moved forward, only confirmed my suspicions that I am unviable as a person and a wasted life. I trust almost nobody and grow tired and want to give up and go away. This has been my entire life, feeling this way more and more, and because that's the case, I don't see any reason to suspect that next year will be better.

Yes, we won't lose our house this year like we thought we would, but I can't celebrate. It's not about the fucking money.

I've wished every day I wouldn't wake up, more and more clearly for a whole decade. It's cruel and useless to just keep living if in suffering. Unfortunately I'm too much of a pussy to do it while awake, and that's the only thing that matters to others, because it's an annoyance that can't be ignored. So long as you're not grabbing a rope or a gun, nobody cares, you're an annoyance that can be swept under the rug or beaten to submission.

I ruined the holidays by constantly causing problems. Sometimes I don't know how, I just do. I always do. I get upset with things not going as planned and hyped and romanticised and need space and that makes my family angry with me, and it's all coming out and nobody knows or cares, is just annoyed at me. I just am an asshole who can't appreciate material goods and just a liar and making shit up. My presence is repulsive. I know it, it's not an exaggeration, even when I was naïve and didn't have these feelings, everyone was disgusted by my presence, and either wanted to get away from me, placate me to get me away, use me as the butt of jokes or try to physically hurt me for fun. Only a select few people I've met on the internet, people who came out of nowhere, NEVER anyone I acted towards first, do I believe don't harbor much of those feelings towards me.

This is what I'll end the year with. A disappointment. An annoyance. I ruined it.

I went out for quite a while; 2 hours. It wasn't chilly at all, but it was windy which is nice. I tried to see the Halloween decorations of my area. I think about 5% or so were decorated. That's more than the last several years I think.

Most were modest, but there were a few spectacular ones and even more that were just a single spider or bedsheet. My mom and it seems most like the house with the big monsters, a big snake, giant spiders and bats on the roof, several giant skeletons and werewolves and a ball of skeletons waltzing. That house is always a treat and puts everyone else to shame, except, in my eyes, one neighbor whose decorations I actually like more. A bunch of skeletons of all kinds on their pretty huge lawn (they're on an end so they got lots of it, and..) but best of all is the rings they put up to make a "tunnel" around their house. It's got mini animal skeletons and smaller monsters in it. It was actually making me pretty excited to walk all through that sidewalk. I always like the tunnel sorts of feelings. My favorite memories of older Halloweens were generally the homes with generous porches to walk into, like entering a dungeon. The house with the mini witches and mini ghosts still has those but their big versions are gone, but they're all not dead on the ground for once too.

The walk ended with the first grey sky in..about a month or two. I really don't think I've seen one in that long. I've been feeling really defeated and beat down by the endless blue. I'm so happy, even if it lasted not very long because I was mainly out in the dark. It did rain very lightly once. The grey was very dark, with splotches and dots of lighter grey, all moving at a very fast pace like the wind. That's what Halloween weather should be! (and chilly but fuckin Texas never delivers on that..)

I decided to re-release a commission sheet and advertise commissions again. I'm so happy for the three who've helped me so far.

One thing, however, and I hope this doesn't come across as rude or greedy, is that I have bumped up the price. 40$ per character instead of $25. I will probably not bump it up anytime soon if ever; my work isn't worth that much, I think. Still, it sounds okay. Do you all think so? I can change it back if I'm told I'm being unreasonable. I don't want to scare anyone away, but it's something I've thought about for a while.

I don't want to come across as begging, and I've not really been open about it, but my family is struggling. I want to help but have not been able to very much. I hope I can by advertising and charging a bit more. Sorry if this comes across as a dick move to anyone who would be interested.

INFO
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/58031402/

-
Not related but still..

I also might slow down my fully coloured artworks a little. It takes a long time on my own free time to get them done. If you've noticed, it's usually been about a month, give or take quite a bit. Comms I get done much quicker. I have a lot of free time but I don't feel satisfied with it. I have lots of full arts to finish, but I want to do other things. I've not played video games much at all. It's been years trying and failing to play any for an extended period. Want to change that. Also other fun things. I know I can't really do much because lack of money, but I want to change things up and that might mean slightly less art from me. I will not give up those, and might even do a lot more ink art, but still.

The last three days have been pretty nice in comparison to the last three months. It's almost cool, and we got rain alongside a real sky. I've been losing energy and will with all the blue and bright flashing lights and maddening heat, even at night.

Yesterday it rained a lot very early, but stopped by the time I went out. Still brought a hoodie because the forecast but it was superfluous. Did the tying-it-around-my-waist thing and was fine. Too warm to actually wear it after a while (70 degrees). The sky was made of waves of either milky grey or slate, was nice to look at.

I went to the park near me, there were, of course, damn dogwalkers there and out in the streets but not as many as usual. Monday was infuriating the sheer amount of people outside, but Wednesday wasn't as bad. The ducks were all over the place, by the cars, through the trees, and flying in and around everywhere. I guess the rain spooked them. Some even came up to me to sit by me. I explored all around the building, much more than I usually have. Overcast weather really brings out the beauty of things in general, so much. The wind was helpful to make it feel nice even though I was certainly sweating.

I don't think the sign at the crosswalk will ever say it's okay to pass. Pisses me off. I hate cars so much. Thankfully after about 10 minutes I crossed when I couldn't see any more of them. I should get another pair of water-resistant shoes, if I can ever afford that. The ones I have are velcro. It's so nice to not have shoelaces.

Saw the six raccoons who like the catfood we've got today. I think I've only seen them all once, but my mom sees them a lot. Didn't come back when I put out food for them though..

Sorry almost all my art lately is NSFW, just most of what I have rn.

I'm going to be away next month. Just want to.

I also edited the ych to stay up through next month.

idk if I'll draw much. I don't want to really.

I notice less and less people around each year and now there’s only a handful I ever see.

Tomorrow I will post a (nsfw, involving my sona) YCH that I’ve had for years now and just never posted. I’ll also advertise commissions on other sites. If you’re interested, or want to suggest anything, comment here or save this journal or something. Thank you.

I hate advertising anything I do. I feel it comes across as annoying or pressuring, and just isn’t in my character, but I don’t even know if anyone remembers that I do take commissions.

I want to hear if there’s anything wrong. Do I charge too much? Am I too restrictive with what I’ll draw? Is it too many words? Is my sheet just bad? I don’t know. If there isn’t anything wrong, what do you think I should do?

https://www.furaffinity.net/commiss.....andrewshannon/

Thank you.

Yesterday we had a lot of thunderstorming going on. I had wanted to walk, and did after getting other things done. I spent a few hours out in the rain. It went from mild to heavy, back and forth. A few claps of thunder that I could feel the sound it was so loud. I at first jumped over the puddles and heavy waters flowing through the streets quickly, some probably 6 inches deep. Some yards were flooded, and the drainage creek under the road was flowing so much I couldn't see any of the sediment, and things moved by so fast it was hard to see what they were. After a while, however, I was so soaked it didn't matter, and I'd just trudge on through the water. My shoes weren't designed for this, so I felt the cold water tickle my feet and the inside of the shoes sloshing. I got used to it, it was fun. I'm just glad I didn't bring my ipod nano. It made me happy walking in the rain. I really needed that mood-booster.

I'm considering just never favouriting or following anyone ever again. Just post my "content" and that's it.

The last few weeks have been busy for me, with storage, drawing, and so on. I have so much art to get finished. Least it seems we probably won't be moving, and hopefully things'll be on the up soon for multiple reasons.
It was a nice winter but it lasted so short. Actually saw well below freezing temperatures, but that was just a week or two. Also snow for a day. That was amazing! By February though it’s been sunny and hot, 80s. Back to hating here again and needing fans on all day, and it'll just get worse from here. c<xnxc

I just got back from walking and I read that on my phone. Glorious. I love today. It's cloudy and totally grey, 15 degrees F. It is pretty windy though apparently feels like 0, but I went out walking in a sweatshirt and hoodie and felt nothing. Except my neck, that got kinda cold. Need to use a scarf next time then. Wind was pretty bad, but wind is terrible at any temperature. There were a few cars but not many. I was mostly unbothered.

By far the worst thing was my heels. I got new hiking boots from my Christmas money, and they wore on my heels pretty bad after a while. I only stayed outside about an hour and a half, but could've gone the full 2 1/2 if they didn't hurt so bad. Looks red but not bloody. I'm hoping they grow on me since today was the first time using them.

I just had to go, it was the first cloudy day in a long time to end up on a day when I could walk, and I don't think I've walked in the cold cold before. Was very nice. I want that every winter.



And snow if we get it.

I completely forgot to say it. Sorry.

Today is Thanksgiving, so I ought to be thankful. There's not much to be thankful for, at least nothing any different than usual.
I am thankful I have a job, at least for being more attractive to other ones, maybe. I am thankful I have internet, drawing programs and a handful of people to talk to from my computer. I am thankful I have two cute kitties I can pet and cuddle. That's about it.

I'm not a misanthropist, however, I really don't like being around people, especially when I'm either relaxing or trying to do something. I often wish, during my walks, that a zombie apocalypse had just ended and everyone else would disappear. No joggers. No dogwalkers. No moving cars. Nobody, not one person. I kind of miss the covid era for that, the peace and quiet around the university, when I could just explore around campus and in the dark halls of the buildings and not hear a word or feel a presence. Of course, a few people were there, but one or two people in the span of an hour in a building isn't bad, but it doesn't seem like that will ever be again. I feel annoyed seeing people on hiking trails. Ruins the "nature". Of course, people talking to me is one thing, but I am more talking about the feeling that there's another living being anywhere around. It's draining, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. It's freeing to be able to look around for miles and not be able to see another person, or even just be alone at home for a week, similar feeling on a smaller scale. I never mind the little animals; cats and squirrels and such, they are fun and make me happy. Humans, dogs, cars, they do the opposite and annoy me. Today was a strange day. It was 60 and dark, which is great, but I was walking around 3/4pm. No people out, which was great, but the cars moving and roaring and taking up space and being full of people made me unhappy every time I saw yet another one. Just move out of my way as quickly as possible, I don't trust them and never know where they're going. Same with the yapping dogs, they make me feel unsafe. I wish they didn't exist either. The worst of all was some guy on a really loud dirtbike, blaring hiphop shit even louder than his vehicle. Why did we get rid of pillories, again?
I'm not likely to do well without the comforts of the city. I like video arcades and malls and once a month or so to get fast-food. I live and breathe American suburbia but often wish I could experience it just without all the noise and presences. I think it'd be fun to have a ghost town the size of any Cleveland or Detroit or Dallas and explore it with no human hassle. Of course any space will get colonised by people, especially one like that. Seems like an impossible thing, I'd love to live somewhere I would love to go outside a lot, but where nobody else ever does.

I will never understand people who just develop deep personal hatred of me for no reason. I've dealt with these people all my life and it's so confusing. Often I'm not even talking to these people but they just have to make me their business because they just deem me an "annoying person" or a "morally evil person" who needs to just not exist or something, make me feel unwelcome etc.

A "At The End Of August" by 36 Crazyfists
N "Nowhere Man" by Anti-Nowhere League
D "Dissident Aggressor" by Judas Priest
R "Reject Yourself" by Killswitch Engage
E "Evolution (The Grand Design)" by Symphony X
W "What's Said Is Done" by Scary Kids Scaring Kids

S "Stay Captive" by Still Remains
H "He's Vicious" by Castrati
A "Avatar" by Manilla Road
N "Nosferatu" by Coroner
N "New Medicines" by Dead Poetic
O "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" by Blinded Colony
N "Nightmare Be Thy Name" by Mercyful Fate

How are you all?

I've been terrible with drawing, I haven't gotten any major works done at all, nor have any will to. Haven't done a whole lot recently. Summertime blues perhaps? idk

Last night, my grandma passed away. Sleeping, thankfully. It's been about 8 years of gradual weakening and 3-4 of dialysis. It was soon to be her 65th anniversary. They found love at first sight and married almost as soon after, were foster parents, including for my mom, and my nanny was a wonderful nurse. She fought hard every step of the way, even if she probably shouldn't. It's a miracle she survived so long, and I'm thankful for it.

I am a lot better right now. I have barely cried. I beat myself up over not for her own mother when I was a kid, but I seem to be able to easily adjust when I don't actually see it. Seeing the cats die was much worse, especially picking them up. But I am glad, it's easier on me and it lets me remember my nanny how she lived instead. I seem to be good at that anyway though.

Still, the house will feel a bit emptier. It has been often, sure, but now it's permanent.