Greetings everyone!

I'm not the best journal keeper out there so I apologize for not updating sooner! I got sick while teaching last year and it has been a long journey to recovery. Fear not! The doctors finally figured out what is wrong and it is fixable. I'm going into the hospital on Thursday for surgery and am expected to have a full recovery. If there is no complications I'll be home this weekend.

This means that after 7 months I'll finally be able to get back to work. Just in time to start preparing for garden season! Wohoo! I can't wait to play with my roses. I'm also going to try growing herbs and peppers this year. Ohm nom nom. Anyway, that is my little update and I do hope that you are all healthy, wealthy, and wise. If not, then get to work slackers :P

Take care everyone and be excellent to each other. Until we speak again.

-Angelis

P.S. I haven't forgotten the promised chapters - they are coming :)

It's that time again. Hope is renewed and time to close the chapter on the year 2014. I'm still not released to go back to work just yet. For those that haven't followed my previous journals; I got sick during the last class that I taught in July and have been off work since. There is light at the end of this tunnel. The doctors have confirmed the need for surgery and assure me that I should be expecting to have it done mid January.

I haven't forgotten the promised chapters of the short story that I've got in draft. Chapter 3 is coming, I need to sit down long enough at my computer and edit. Without getting distracted by the shiny that is World of Warcraft. >.> Or the shiny that is SMITE, or the shiny that is Starbound, or the shiny that is Civilization Beyond Earth etc. etc. I think you can pick up on the fact I have an addiction to shiny - games ...

I digress. My wish for you all is to be happy. We can't control everything but we can set goals and work towards accomplishing anything we set our minds too. So be happy. I've started getting out a little bit in RL since I've been recovering and I've made a new friend here on FA so I'm really happy right now and I want to share that feeling with you all.

Until we speak again,

-Angelis

The holiday season is here again. I truly hope that everyone stays healthy, wealthy, and wise during this season. For many it is a difficult time of year due to many reasons. Those that are struggling, know that you are not alone, please reach out for help if you need it. If you just need someone to listen, then I'll listen.

Over the last few years I've started almost boycotting the holiday season. So much so that I don't leave my house during Christmas. I refuse to shop in stores if I buy anything I do it online. It almost sounds as if I have no Christmas spirit. I assure you this isn't the case. It's mostly because 1. I'm Pagan 2. Family rejection 3. Heartache - Everyone has baggage/drama/issues and I'm not downplaying that at all.

My issues aren't so horrible that it disables me. It has just affected my willingness to participate in these events. I wasn't invited to my families holiday activities again this year and it hurts. Just kinda put the kabosh on my joy that I usually have for this season. On the flip side my ex and his family invited me and that was kindness. What this season should truly represent.

I'm grateful for this but I also know that it's because my ex still hasn't told the family that we are separated. The nieces and nephews would not take it well and neither would his parents. Heck we aren't taking the separation all that well either. Simple solution would be to reconcile and keep going. But sometimes - it's just not that simple.

A caution to all young and new lovers out there: Keep the relationship between the two of you. Don't let friends/family influence you. At the end of the day it's your life with them and it should stay between the two of you. My first relationship made it 18 years and that's not a small feat but it's truly sad to see it go. Been separated for over 2 years and I still live with them as we have a house etc.

Again, from the outside it would seem that reconciling would make everyone happy. It's still an option as he wants to reconcile - I don't. Fidelity is a huge cornerstone in relationships. Once that is broken the relationship will never be the same again. I've not been able to accept it. I've not been able to let it go. I forgave - trust me I already forgave. Not even angry anymore.

Enough time has passed for that. I just feel that I deserve to have someone be as passionate for me as I would be for them. I want to be the center of that persons world and I want them to be the center of mine. So I understand that it's complicated. I ponder all these things while I keep living the daily life.

This journal may sound down/depressed. I'm actually not. This is the first time I've let out what's been weighing on my mind. That's it. I'm having a great day - I've got so many things/people to be grateful for. I am blessed. So I leave you with this: Be Well - Be Grateful - Be Kind it's amazing how simple that can be.

Until we speak again,
- Angelis

Good afternoon everyone!

I hope that my journal finds you all healthy, wealthy, and wiser than you were yesterday. Previously I mentioned that I had come down with some health issues. I'm still not working. I haven't worked since July. At this point, I'm still not getting better and it is likely I will have surgery within the next month. At this point the goal is for me to heal and have the surgery and get back to work by January. *Crosses fingers*

Now that I've covered that let's talk about something fun! NANOWRIMO! I haven't won a NANO since 2009 and that is disappointing me greatly. So this year I am bound and determined to accomplish the word count and claim victory. I have decided to write about my experiences since I created my sona Angelis and the many lives/roles that I've played in the online world. I posted the image that I commissioned in honor of this competition: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/14978336/ As well as the prologue snippet. I used to post the raw and unedited versions of my last novelette but it seems kind of wrong to put forth work that I didn't even go over and use spell check >.<

So this time if there is any interest in my little stories, then I will at least attempt to edit before I begin posting. I truly hope that you are all doing well and know that your friendship and camaraderie has really helped me through this difficult period in my life. Look forward to our chats and seeing where our lives and journeys take us.

Until next time . . .

Hello everyone!

I've had a very hectic summer teaching schedule and really worked hard with a lot of long hours. During this last class a participant came into work very sick. They ended up quitting during the class because they ended up in the hospital. I was truly disappointed because the participant was very kind and seemed to really like what I was teaching.

When the participant got out of the hospital they sent me an e-mail letting me know why they quit. I was honored that they remembered me and thought to write as to let me know they were going to be OK. That's when they let me know that what they had was very bad and that they had been contagious.

Not everyone knows about my auto immune issues but essentially - I have no immune system. I continued to teach the class but I started to notice a headache that just wouldn't go away. I thought it was a migraine and figured eh it will be gone in a couple days.

I was wrong.

On the ninth day of this headache I decided to go to the doctor and figure out why I was also so dang tired. They started running tests and during that time they told me to take off work because I looked exhausted. On top of the exhaustion was the headache - they put me on IV fluids and migraine medicine.

None of it helped.

A week passed as they ran tests to figure out what was wrong and they finally got an answer. It is a virus and sadly there is no treatment. My body is going to have to fight on it's own. Because of the lack of immune system, well that just means it's going to take me twice as long to fight it.

I've been ordered to go to bed and to stay there. No work for another month and no playing in my garden. I feel like a teenager who is grounded. I'm so bored! But at least I know that I will eventually fight off this and bounce back to my normal mischievous self.

That's my update folks and I truly hope that you are all healthy, wealthy, and wise! Be good to each other and enjoy the rest of the summer. I'll be in my recliner watching anime like a good girl... for now.

1. Minecraft
2. Starbound
3. League of Legends
4. World of Warcraft
5. Banished
6. Don't Starve
7. Second Life


On Minecraft I'm playing Vanilla and MagicFarm 2. On Starbound I created a multiplayer server and I am enjoying beta testing it :) In League of Legends I have a North American account and a European West account. Let me know if you want to run a match with me :) World of Warcraft... I'm on the fence my guild disbanded during Cataclysm and I haven't played in 2 years. I'm on a free trial and enjoying checking things out but it's lonely, so not sure I'm going to continue to play. Banished - Makes me rage, flip tables etc. but I somehow go back for more. Does this make me a Masochist? Don't Starve - just picked it up and not sure if I love it or hate it, will keep you informed. Second Life - I've been on this game for years and years and I use it for socializing.

So - what are ya'll playing?

Hello Friends!

Sorry it's taken so long for an update. I've been working a ton of overtime since the beginning of the year. I've also had a backlog of art that deserved to be put on my wall. I've been lucky enough to contribute to some amazing artists here on FA and I will continue to do so as often as I can. I hope you are all enjoying what I put on my wall.

I've been keeping up with my resolution to make this year one of hope, personal growth, and professional development. My health hasn't been the greatest but I continue to follow doctors orders and I will over come this too.

Thank you all so much for your support and friendship - please keep in touch as every note, comment, favorite and kind thought is impacting my life in a good way. And don't forget if you like something on my wall to go and check out the artist who helped bring an imagination to life.

*HUGS*

This year has started off in full speed mode. I've not been active on here the last few weeks because of all the overtime.

I miss you all and hope that your holiday season was blessed and that you are all being healthy, wealthy and wise! I've missed some great commission opportunities, but don't worry I'll be getting more art very soon.

A new year and a new hope is a mantra I've been saying everyday to push myself mentally and physically. Life isn't going to hand you everything on a silver platter, you have to get up and make it happen. So my new hope is the continued drive to get up and make it happen.

Love yourself so that you can learn to love others. We could all use some more love in this world.

*HUGS*

Little things can mean so much. As an adult I've wanted to collect an ornament each year so that I can associate the memories of the year. I usually put it on my list of things I would like to have.

This year, I was surprised, not just a regular surprise but a big one. Without even knowing I wanted a new ornament my new wonderful friend MoonBlossom sent me one. It's a beautiful hand blown glass ornament and I'm so tickled to have it hanging from my tree and to save such a wonderful memory.

I've been so lucky to make new friends and get art and find wonderful artists and groups to chatter in. I hope all of you are having a wonderful holiday season no matter what you celebrate or don't celebrate.

I wish you all joy and happiness. Keep in touch friends, I know I am a lucky girl to have you all be a part of my life.

So I'm finally back to work after having surgery and being cooped up in the house for weeks. I'm behind on getting art and totally behind in NANOWRIMO. I do intend to put in a story for Saetia's contest and I still plan on getting some chapters done for NANO. Work is picking up and I may very well end up traveling December and January to teach in Texas. Thank you everyone for all the comforting words they have really meant a lot to me while I recovered. You all ROCK! *HUGS* Be good to each other :)

Until next time,

-Angel

Wow, what a week. I had been in pain for awhile and I thought it was just my Rheumatoid Arthritis being out of control. But it wasn't my joints that was bothering me it was my right side. I had hoped to be able to wait til January to deal with the possible issues as I was out of FMLA and PTO.

I guess my body had a different plan. I was admitted to the hospital on Monday. My primary doctor thought it was a gallbladder issue. Monday evening got in for an ultrasound and that test came back normal. So they kept me because despite the ultrasound you could physically see by the distention in my stomach that something was wrong. They schedule a HIDA test for Tuesday afternoon.

HIDA test shows that my gallbladder was only functioning at 5% and at any point was going to stop working completely or bust. Doctors say we will have surgery on Wednesday. Now keep in mind I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since 7am Monday morning. at this point I was very very frustrated and thirsty!

Wednesday afternoon they prep me for surgery and the gallbladder is removed. For many patients the gallbladder can be an out patient procedure, I wasn't so lucky. They kept me another day and finally let me go home Thursday evening. I slept most of Friday and pretty much Saturday too. Today is the first time I'm sitting with my laptop trying to catch up on what happened in the world while I was in disposed.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers and concern. It meant a lot to me and I'm so glad to be back :) Have a wonderful week and let us all make it magical!

I was admitted Monday afternoon. I will have surgery tomorrow. If little to no complications I will be released on Friday. *hugs* Be well everone and take care of each other.

This time last year I was catching a plane. Travelling to a part of the country I had never been too. Leaving my world behind to be in hir/his. It was going to be the beginning and start of moving a relationship from online to reality. It was also to celebrate his/hir birthday and to gather friends for an epic DnD session.

Even though the relationship wasn't meant to be, I still have wonderful memories and hold on to hope that friendship can still be rebuilt in time. Since that fateful weekend a year ago much has changed in my life.

My work started to finally realize what I contribute and what my potential is. So to help me along they are pitching in towards continuing college so that I can get on the fast track to my Masters Degree...

I even started dating again.

I'm in another online relationship with a wonderful friend and mate and who knows this time it might just make it outside the box and into reality. The only downside is I'm dating someone in a completely different timezone and both of us are working professionals.

We grab time as time allows and luckily we both enjoy gaming as a means for us to hang out. What games you may ask? Well there is League of Legends (LoL), TERA, CIV 5, GW2, and Second Life (SL). Just to name a few. *winks*

I also still play Minecraft, Endless Space, Spore, Sims3, SimCity and and oh heck ALL THE GAMES. I can't help it I'm a gamer :) :) :)
I hope my little journal has been informative and not to droll. Feel free to message or comment. I enjoy making new friends and keeping up with everyone. *HUGS*

Hello FA!

I've not written in awhile and it's because I got a bit sickly. I had to have a lot of tests done and I've been anxiously awaiting the results. *drum roll*

It's not CANCER! You heard me right ... all if it came back negative. The issues I was having was an internal allergic reaction to my RA treatments. My treatments are totally being redone now and soon I will be back to my mischievous self!! Muahahahahahaha.

Anyway, I've missed you all and please keep in touch. *HUGS*

P.S. My wonderful prince Charchess surprised me with art! It's on my wall for all of you to enjoy with me :) Thank you Charchess!!! *Super Kisses*

Yesterday is but a dream; tomorrow is only a vision. Today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness; and every tomorrow a vision of Hope. -Kalidasa

Hello FA!!

I hope my journal finds all of you enjoying your summertime. This has continued to be a year of change for me. I could probably write all about health issues, work drama, lack of love life etc... but I don't think that's really what you want to hear. So how about I tell you some really awesome things :) My brother, his wife and kids came to visit during their vacation. We all went to the ZOO and caught a baseball game. I had so much fun! It's been wild going so long knowing he was out there somewhere but not knowing him as my brother or a friend. I'm lucky to say that our relationship is going well and I know I have a friend for life in my big bro. I've also discovered that his kids i.e. my niece and nephew like to play video games! Ya'll know that is a passion of mine. So I've added them to my Minecraft server and have gotten to play with them a couple times since they went home. I think all in all I am one of the luckiest people in the world. I think that is all I shall write for the time being. Please feel free to leave a comment or strike up a conversation. I'm always open to new friends, new lovers and new experiences. After all I'm going to enjoy this lifetime!

-Angel

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4863779/


You won't regret at least scoping out this really neat artist!!!

I want to dance in the rain,
I want to wash away all the pain.
I want to live like it's the last.
I want to dance in the rain.

No matter how much it hurts, no matter how easy it would be to let the world weigh you down, just breathe. You can't control what another person says or does, you can only control what you say and what you do.

So come, dance with me. Hold me close and never let me go. It's raining ... I'm going to dance in the rain. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow... I can't promise this will last, but I can give you right now. Let it rain, let it pour, I'll just keep dancing anyway.

Oh boy oh boy!! One of my favorite artists is having a contest!!! Check out this journal and don't forget to scope out her gallery and scraps. She is one of the coolest and nicest artist here and you won't be disappointed!!

Contest:
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4782135/
Artist
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/saetia/

Tell her I sent you!! *HUGS*

A lot has happened in the last year and a half. I filed for divorce and fell in love. My grandmother passed away and I found my brother. My lover moved on and I gained some hard life lessons.

I don't regret anything that happened in the last year. I believe that the lessons learned were worth every cry, every kiss, every frustration, every private moment. So my goal for the summer is to truly let go of the people and situations that our out of my control and to move forward with my life.

Everyday I strive to be a better person than I was yesterday. I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to screw up, I'm going to love again. It's liberating to see all the new possibilities that are out there. I'm not to old and it's not to late for me. I believe this and since I have no agenda, I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off; it's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable; but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame others, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate another, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

The one and only time I got to meet and get to know my brother was at a funeral. Most siblings get to grow up together and forge bonds. I wasn't so lucky. For years I didn't know that I was unlucky.

When I was 12 my grandfather passed away.
I had a very close bond with my grandpa and it was very hard for me to deal with the loss. This is also the day I met my brother and sister. The moment we were introduced it felt like something clicked. We connected and it was as if we had never been apart.

My biological father was in grief and has anger issues. This escalated to him being very mean to my brother. Even though I had just met him, I was very defensive of him and he was defensive of me. As my father raged my brother and I tried to protect each other until the adults broke up the altercation.

My aunt pulled my brother and I away from the fray and she took us for a long walk along the Gulf of Mexico. My brother and I were in shock but we clung to each other all the same and didn't have to speak as words were un-necessary.
That evening my brother and sister went home.

I was given a picture of the three of us together for the first and only time. I treasured that photo. My father forbids any contact with my aunt or my brother and sister. My heart ached and I didn't know what to do.
When I was 16, the state took me out of my father’s custody and I pretty much started out on my own with my Mom’s help. I started looking for my brother and sister. I had a few leads but nothing ever came of my searches. I never gave up hope.

Fast forward over 15 years. My grandmother passes away and again I am faced with loss, but this time I am faced with hope as well. This is the first potential opportunity to find my brother again. It is sad that it takes a family tragedy to get people to communicate and reconnect.

After all these years of no communication and no knowledge of my family, I was excited to go to a funeral. It may sound morbid and wrong but it’s so very true. I knew that my family would pay respects to my grandmother. She lived to be 92 years old. I also knew that I would face a lot of potential rejection too.

This is all worth the risk. The funeral is a very tense affair and I was met with a lot of rejection. But when my brother went to the casket to pay respects… I knew who he was. Even though I’d only met him once. I knew.

I tapped his shoulder and with tears streaming down my face I say “ I've been searching for you for over 10 years . . . “ He turns and sees me and pulls me into a huge hug. We cried and became attached at the hip.
I got to meet his family (wife & kids etc.). He found out that I drove over 20 hours but he couldn't spare to part with me right away. I spent the day with my family sitting next to my brother at the Gulf of Mexico.

I finally found my big brother. We are both young and grateful that we have time to share our lives and have the love and support of each other. A promise made along the coast was to never lose contact again.

There is still a part of my heart that will forever be his. However, I've taken back the majority and I'm finally allowing myself to hope, feel, and to even love again. There is a part of me that still has "What if" thoughts, and there is still a really big hope that someday we will be friends again. Everyday it gets easier and I'm so grateful that I had the chance to experience the relationship that we shared. That chapter is over and it is done. I don't regret the experience but a little part of me wonders if I am their biggest regret.

Have you ever wanted something so bad, and you watched it slip right through your hands?
Sometimes it takes a while just to see, the hardest thing to let go of is a dream.

We were more than lonely searching souls, stumbling across the universe.
I can hardly take this in.
Oh, it hurts to think of what might have been.

I hope you find just what you're looking for, and I hope it sets you free.
I hope four-leaf clovers fall down from the sky, and the sun shines at your feet.
Whatever in this world you want, I hope you get it all and more.
You know I wish you LOVE and Happiness, but I hope I'm your biggest regret.
I hope I'm your biggest regret.

I hope that when my heart has been returned, that deep inside you'll always feel this burn.
I hope you see me never looking back, and hear me in a passing stranger's laugh.

I know that we were just a chapter in this life, and our story didn't feel right.
It's like two worlds just collided.
So, why do I hope that in the back of your mind . . .

I hope you find just what you're looking for, and I hope it sets you free.
I hope four-leaf clovers fall down from the sky, and the sun shines at your feet.
Whatever in this world you want, I hope you get it all and more.
You know I wish you LOVE and Happiness, but I hope I'm your biggest regret.
I hope I'm your biggest regret.

When you're looking back at life's unfolding picture.
I'll be more than a fading photograph on the floor, in the part of your mind where you keep all your memories of me.

I hope you find just what you're looking for, and I hope it sets you free.
I hope four-leaf clovers fall down from the sky, and the sun shines at your feet.
Whatever in this world you want, I hope you get it all and more.
You know I wish you LOVE and Happiness, but I hope I'm your biggest regret.
I hope I'm your biggest regret.


You know the dream when your flying then you fall so fast?
So perfect that you knew it'd never last.
It's like reality's your biggest enemy.

You know the dream when the two of us were so in love?
So perfect that we could never mess it up?
But dreams don't ever come with guarantees.

Oh, and I could swear that our truth was better than fiction.
But when I woke up you were missing.
How could every promise we ever made lose it's strength and fade away?

Can you tell me how it's supposed to work, when you love so much it hurts?
Baby tell me why, even if it's lies, you said we were DO or DIE!
But instead we said goodbye ... goodbye ... goodbye
You said we were DO or DIE!
But instead we said goodbye.

Fate had it's way and it's staying; now it's playing it's hand.
But we didn't have to fold at it's command.
We didn't have to give up anything.

I still can swear, that our truth WAS better than fiction.
I begged you don't let it go missing.
Please, don't let every promise we made fade away and die.

Can you tell me how it's supposed to work, when you love so much it hurts?
Baby tell me why, even if it's lies, you said we were DO or DIE!
But instead we said goodbye ... goodbye ... goodbye
You said we were DO or DIE!
But instead we said goodbye.


No matter what, I still love you. I will always be here for you. I don't care what anyone else says or thinks. Our relationship was ours and I am grateful for every moment we had. My wish is that sometime/someday we find ourselves again at least as friends.

 ikana_makarti 12/16/2011 - 2/5/2013 You were my sunshine, my only sunshine. You made me happy every day. You'll never dear, how much I truly loved you. But you had to take my sunshine away. I believe in you and you can do anything!! I hope that someday you see how wonderful and awesome you are and see yourself as I see you. You are a great man. Thank you, I can never repay you for all you did for me, but I appreciate you for all you said and did for me.

A wonderful artist  saetia is doing a St. Patty's day pinup! Check out her page and her wonderful artistic genius here:

http://www.furaffinity.net/user/saetia

She really does lovely work and is super awesome to talk to and work with! So go check it out!!! Have a great day everyone and be awesome to each other!!

So one of my favorite artist has a birthday on the 17th. She is offering up some art for a little bit of your time and talents. Bonus, you don't have to be an artist! You can be a writer, a songster and so much more! I plan on writing a short story. Check out the journal!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4235959/