Yep, if you don't get the joke, finally got that double line on the pee stick. Ideally, (or not so much) right when I switched jobs. 😂 That is all for now. Maybe will update later on with more info. Who knows?

"Remember, you matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then, you energy."


 AnthenTheMalamutt

It's not for this malamutt. Spent the evening at a bar with the wife and a few friends and everything was just too loud. When I drink, I like it to be chill, not necessarily quiet, but a nice ambient tone that isn't constantly blowing out your eardrums from the TouchTunes machine or people yelling over each other. Literally said maybe two sentences to our friends that were there because I just couldn't hear or understand them.

Ended up having one drink and 9 glasses of water while I was there. I guess the intermittent sobriety may be cutting down on my desire to drink after all. (That or I just couldn't get comfortable enough in that environment to have more than one.) I'm still trying to find other outlets, but it's just difficult.

Anyways, I hope you all are doing well. Happy spring to those that get to enjoy it. Happy tornado season to the crackheads, storm chasers, adrenaline junkies and Midwest Male Figures (iykyk). Happy birthday to anyone I missed or have coming up. Happy Fuck This Job Day to the lucky ducks and fucks that get to tell their current employer to shove it. Last but not least,

This world is better with you in it, I promise.

From this side of the dirt,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Not talking about the guy that threw away his hard drive with like $700 million in Bitcoin, but the drive to keep working towards something bigger. The drive to keep doing what I'm doing.

I don't know if it's just seasonal depression going in for a late "Fuck you" or what, but lately I just no longer feel the desire to do much of anything. Even stuff to do with jewelry/rocks/crystals isn't helping my case, which scares me because that used to be a sure-fire way to help me feel better or distracted.

Short and bittersweet today, barely even have the motivation to post this journal but figured it would help if I wrote it down at least.

With Love From This Side of The Dirt,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Month and a half down the drain and I hate myself for it. That is all.

From this side of the dirt,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Good evening all,

Just wondering how you guys keep yourselves distracted? Over the past couple of days, I've had the urge to go back to the bottle on more than one occasion. It's not just when I get stressed. It also seems to happen when I have nothing going on as well. Like I'll be chilling in my recliner playing Cult of the Lamb, and it'll just come across my mind like "You know what would make this better/help you relax more? Alcohol. You don't have to tell anyone."

It doesn't help that I still have it in the house, and we aren't getting rid of it because we offer it to friends when they come over. Not to mention my wife has not so much given up on trying to help, but when I talk to her about it lately, she says "If you want to drink, just go ahead. Nobody's stopping you. I have my fair share of escapism too."

It doesn't help, and I feel like I can't talk to her about this because of those comments. Nothing against her, like I get it she's trying to relate, but I don't know how to feel when comments like those are made. I'm probably overreacting which is fine, because I'm already aware my mental health is about as stable as a wall made with wet sand and gravel. If it's left alone, it's fine, but if not it's really not and that's where alcohol seems to be the bandages and the reinforcements to said wall for a short time. Either way, I love her for her and even if she's blatantly honest, it's something I can look past.

Sorry for the rambling, back to my question at hand. How do you escape? How do you distract yourself from the urge to go back to something you know is toxic but gives temporary relief? Even when around friends and no one's drinking at all, I still feel the urge to go throw one back real quick to calm my mind. Any help or input would be appreciated. Sorry for the pity party. I have no other outlets right now.

On a side tangent, the song Pity Party by lovelytheband. When I hear the chorus, I think of being invited to a birthday party full of pitbulls that have little party hats on. Stupid, I know. I just wanted that to be out there as a positive spin on a not-so-positive journal.

With love from this side of the dirt,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

What's up y'all? Been absent from this aspect of FA for...FOUR YEARS?!

Holy shit, been a minute.

Anyways, like the title says, sobriety fucking sucks. I hate not having an outlet, or an escape, no matter how destructive it may be. Due to actual random drug testing, (I mean, who even does that? My job, that's who!) I can't partake in the sky cabbage anymore. What happens then? We turn to alcohol. It's a solution. *Ba Dum, Tiss* It got to the point where I would drink when I got home every day without fail. Not just a beer or anything, we're talking 1-2 pitchers of homemade margaritas because, let's face it, I'm a fruity bitch. Without fail, I'd be plastered by 6pm every single day. Weekends? Definitely. My friends came to know the new me, the one that would say some off the wall shit, make them laugh, and have a great time. Surprisingly enough, never actually been hungover since I would chug two bottles of water pre-binge drink.

Worst it got was probably a work dinner where they said they were footing the bill. Pre-gamed at home with a pitcher and a half of margarita, and 6 shots of tequila straight. Get to the work dinner, slam two more margaritas and a strawberry daiquiri before we even got seated, then one more daiquiri and two large mouthfuls of sake afterwards. Called out my boss, called two of my coworkers bitches, got a kid stuck in a revolving door, and told our ops manager he gave up on us and his "more pressing matters" he had to attend to was him getting head from his girlfriend on the car ride home. All in all, good times, didn't lose my job, but came close.

Jump ahead to December 28th, the last time I had any amount of an alcoholic beverage. I started wondering why people were distancing themselves from me. Honestly, it was the holidays and seasonal depression was hitting hard, but my mind went there. I started blaming myself, blaming the fact that I couldn't escape and be this person that I thought people wanted me to be because alcohol was starting to wreak havoc on my stomach and cause indigestion, heartburn and other wonderful side-effects. I decided to put a stop to it, went cold turkey from cold turkey as of December 29th. Now people think it's just some stupid New Year's Resolution that's just going to fall off in a month or two, and I have a feeling that they might be right.

There have been multiple instances where I've been stressed out to the point where I want to come home and escape. To come home and just drink those bad feelings away. To let it all be drowned out and have that feeling of, dare I say happiness? That separation from real life. That pain associated with the gastrointestinal issues that are enhanced by alcohol. That fear that if I go back to it, I won't be able to get this far again. The failure I would feel like to myself. The failure I would be to my wife. The failure I would be to my friends.

That's just something I've been fighting with myself over for the past few weeks. Other than that, got a new job since my last post, became a lead, a supervisor, and stepped back down after that for above reasons. Haven't reached out to old friends that I used to see every two weeks, shout out to my LCFM buds, hope y'all are great and living your best lives. Anyways, it's been nice being back. I'm sorry for the venting. Obviously I need some therapy or something because this amalgam of ramblings doesn't really make too much sense. Here's to hoping the sobriety sticks. If not, I'll be back here to tell you guys all about it. Pinky promise.

With love from this side of the dirt,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Coffee Sleeve Wisdom #38

"Success is falling down nine times and getting up ten."

Has there really only been 38 of these?

As always, long intervals between posts. Barely on here anymore thanks to it being wonky on mobile. So not dead, just relatively inactive.

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Keep throwing darts. Eventually you'll hit the bullseye, but you never will if you don't keep trying.

Love you guys, sorry for being so quiet for like a year. Also, the new site design is weird on mobile. That is all.

Love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

'Cuz I wanna move out, I don't wanna move on.

So, I'm moving out today. Its exciting, nerve-wracking, and still pretty surreal. Been working on this for a while and today is the day. I'm not moving far, just one town east, but its still like 25 or so minutes from home. So yeah, exciting right? I really hope so, then again i haven't moved anything yet.

I love you guys, keep being awesome.

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Coffee Sleeve Wisdom #36

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
(Pretty sure those are song lyrics but whatever.)

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Coffee Sleeve Wisdom #35

Don't be afraid to own who you are.

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Sorry for the silence. I'm losing my job in less than two weeks. =D My boss can't afford to stay open (or pay me for the time I work for that matter) so we're gonna close the first week of October. I kinda saw it coming for a while but it still took me by surprise. There was a lot of shady stuff that went down at my job, and running his numbers at his request, there wasn't necessarily a reason we shouldn't be staying open because we were still making money? Where that money went, I don't know but I know my boss isn't too smart with money management. Oh well. On top of that, I've been taking care of my friend's dog for the past two months since he moved to Arizona, but this past week he lost his job there and had to move back out here, so he doesn't need me either. So my main and secondary sources of income are jeopardized right now.

To add insult to injury, two days ago, I scuffed up someone's brand new Buick (it still had the paper license plate) while trying to avoid hitting a Mustang, but that's a story for a different night. No one was hurt, and there was surprisingly no damage to my car. However, the cop and insurance companies have put me at fault, so there's that.

So, I'm debating on trying to find another job or just going back to school. I don't know though. A lot of emotions have been running through my brain the past few days. I just need to take a few days off and think about things, but I can't because I need as much money as I can get at the moment. Be on the lookout for more gem sales and such. :)

Love you guys,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Figured its been a while since i posted a journal, so here you go. Nothing is really new with me. I haven't even gotten any new rocks! D: I did go see Foo Fighters in Chicago, and that was a nightmare and a half. (Not the concert, just everything leading up to it.) XD If you drive through downtown Chicago without hitting anyone, getting hit, or getting lost, no matter how aggravating it may be, consider it a successful trip. XD As a plus, I got to drive on a sidewalk without any legal or lethal repercussions!

So, I'm just sitting in my usual coffee shop, enjoying my fennel americano. Trying to find the motivation to get up and actually be productive today. Anyway, I hope you are all doing awesome and i hope your week is as awesome and kickass as you are! :)

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Hey everyone. Happy 4th of July. This is a somewhat depressing time of year for me but whatever. Fuck depression. Like, straight up Fuck It Adjustment that bitch. I'm at my grandparents house getting a huge headache because nobody knows how to voice their opinions without yelling let alone keeping them to themselves. Fireworks haven't even started yet so tonight ought to be fun. XD

Spent way too much on damn fireworks anyway. I swear I'm opening my own store next year. XD This journal is all over the place but i need a nap.
I would say something about work and about how everything is bullshit right now but nobody wants to hear that. XD

Have fun, be safe, don't blow anything (or anyone) off. (Unless you want to for the latter. You do you!) :P

Love you guys,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

So, yeah. I'm not feeling all that great. Not in a physical sense, but in a mental/emotional one. I don't know who I am anymore. I get no enjoyment out of anything anymore. I just feel like I'm drifting through life on autopilot and I can't regain control. I'm just stuck in this cycle of lifelessness. I get up, go get coffee, take my friend's dog outside, turn the ovens on at work, go home, lay in bed, and go to work soon after. After that, I come home to a house full of noise, usually my dad yelling on the phone because he can't hear properly, my sister's 14 month old throwing a tantrum because she doesn't want to sleep, my husky howling and talking because she hears the baby and my dad and she's not in the same room as them, and my sister yelling over all of that because of the baby. It's honestly more stressful to be at home than it is to be at work. All I do at home is sleep and lay in bed with headphones on. Hoping everything will fix itself with me out of everyone's way.

Speaking of which, not at the coffee shop anymore. They haven't put me on the schedule in three weeks because, "It's stupid to put someone on a 5-hour shift. That means I'd have to pay someone else to come in and do your job after you leave." and thanks to my friend's dad moving, I have to be at their house more often to take care of their two dogs while they're at work or out doing whatever. (Why they even have dogs is beyond me.) That and I stopped taking my meds for that job. Both seizure and antidepressants because it made me sleep too late to be able to make it to the job. (On the meds I'd wake up about 9 or 10am at earliest, yet had to be at work at 5 or 6am, and had to be at my other job between noon and 4pm.) That and oh my god, people in the town I work in, CALM YOUR FUCKIN TITS! You are not top shit because you have more money than most people. Lol your shit stinks just like everyone else's, you just can't smell it cuz you wipe your ass with golden $100 bills. :) End rant.

Another thing, I don't know who or what I am relationship-wise anymore either. I don't know if I'm gay, bisexual, asexual, demisexual, anything. I can't see myself with anybody, but my mind puts the image of someone in there, because a big fear of mine is just being alone. I want to have people but I can never stay in contact and I always find some way to fuck it up. :) Man, being off of antidepressant meds for a job was a really bad idea. XD Even friendships though, when was the last time I held a full conversation with a close friend? Can't tell you, either they're the one talking or I'm the one changing the subject because I can't think of a good way to reply to their statements.

Another thing that crossed my mind is that I have nothing more to look forward to. I don't have any trips planned, (probably end up fucking up the plans on that, though) no big goals to try to reach and achieve, and I have a dead end job. There's literally no upper position to what I'm doing, so I'm stuck here until I can find something better. But how will I do that? I have like no decent education worth mentioning, I went to trade school for gems and jewelry, but I also left a job in that field for my current one. So when I go into my next interview if there is one, what do I tell them for the reason I left the jewelry store? Oh, I left for more money while technically lying about the severity of a non-work related long-term injury? Yeah, that'll get me hired. I'm literally nothing special, nothing sticks out about me that would make people want to hire me. Education? That's a joke. Experience? Nope, not good enough. The person that will get the job is the person sucking enough dick for their supervisor to get their dick sucked on the side, and I can't do that. I try my best to do everything within my morals (which are pretty loose morals to accommodate most people and situations) but still. It's like, I'm not going to knowingly serve undercooked, raw, or spoiled food to the public without saying something to management or higher. However, when you're threatened with your only means of income being taken away, you do it anyway. (That actually happened, btw. That's a story for another day, though.)

Lol all I'm doing is complaining. Lots of people have it worse, I'm just over here being a little whiny bitch, right? There are kids starving in Africa, people without clean water in Michigan, earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes, tornadoes, etc. and I'm over here complaining about my personal mental health.

TL;DR
Depression sucks but I'm just a whiny little bitch and it's apparently okay to do shady things if your job is threatened. :)

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

...yeah. I've been pretty busy. Working two jobs is worse than i thought it would be. Mostly because they're total opposites. Like, the one is 6am-2 or 3pm, then the other is now 3pm-9 or 10pm depending on the day of the week. That and the first two paychecks from my new job were less than what they promised me per hour. (They promised me $8/hour, my paychecks have said $7.25/hour.)

Tbh, it's not worth my time to bust my ass and cause death by sleep deprivation and stress for $7.25 an hour. I confronted them about it the first time and they're like "Oh, i think the owner may have forgotten to put you at $8, I'll talk to him." Later on she assures me that it was a one time mistake and that it would be fixed from now on.

Two weeks later, i look at my paycheck again, still $7.25. I'm pretty upset and i pull my manager aside and let her know that it happened again. I actually told her that if they were going to pay me $7.25/hour then that's basically a dealbreaker for me. Not that i don't enjoy the company of my coworkers there, but i can currently survive on my other job alone and if need be i can always text my old boss and try to get my old job back as a jewelry salesman. We'll see how this next paycheck plays out.

Other than that, nothing else is really new. I stopped taking my seizure meds because of this new job (another reason i should just quit) mostly because they fuck with my sleep schedule and i wanted to actually make this job work but I'm pretty much at the point of not caring whether or not it works out. So i think i may start those again tonight.

Hope you all have an awesome day/week/whatever time it is.

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Coffee Sleeve Wisdom #34
If the sky was the limit, there wouldn't be footsteps on the moon.

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

...and I fucking love it! XD Everyone is so chill, and since I'm an employee, I get half off food and drinks (I had four large americanos today...) and they even showed me how to make drinks even though it's not my main job. XD My manager said "you need to learn how to make your most requested drink, so none of us will have to stop what we're doing to make it for you." And most drinks are pretty straightforward.

Only thing I hate is having to be there at 5:30am and having to work my other job until 10pm when I'm off. XD

Oh well. I'm going to my other job now. How are you guys?

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

So, my job at a jewelry store in the mall was completely by accident. I went as support for my friends who were applying and they had me fill out an application as well. Neither of them got the job but I did. Didn't even want it but I got it. XD

So this literally just happened again. I was at a coffee shop and I went in with a friend for support when they went to put their app in. They ask me to send my resume too and I'm like "but I have a full time job?" They're just like "you're fine, half of us do too." So they literally just interviewed me and said, "if you want the job, you've got it. You don't have to say yes or no right now, give it a couple days to think it over."

The moral of this journal is, don't ever bring me to a job interview as moral support. XD

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

If the answer to one or both of those questions is yes, you should follow me on Instagram! I'm always posting pizza, gemstones, coffee, and random adventures there! It's a good way to keep up with this malamutt butt! =P

Instagram is @heyitsanthem

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Coffee Sleeve Wisdom #33
One day you'll leave this world behind, so live a life you'll remember.

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Coffee Sleeve Wisdom #32
Don't stoop to their level because they're already below you.

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Coffee Sleeve Wisdom #31
Beauty begins when you decide to be yourself.

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Coffee Sleeve Wisdom #30
When nothing goes right, go left.

With love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt

Stolen from  LindseySnowSprinkles

1. Do you want a romantic partner?
Eventually, yes.

2. When did your last hug take place?
Ummm, probably earlier today when my grandparents left my niece's birthday party.

3. Are you a jealous person?
I can be.

4. Are you tired right now?
Fuck yes I'm tired. .-.

5. Do you chew on your straws?
Not usually.

6. Have you ever been called a tease?
Hahahahaha ha ha... no.

7. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
I'm at about a third of that now, get back to me in 32 hours.

8. Do you cry easily?
Depends on the situation. Usually no.

9. What should you be doing right now?
I *should* be at work right now, but I'm not.

10. Are you a heavy sleeper?
Usually, yes. Get me a few glasses of wine before bed and the answer will always be yes. XD

11. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?
Isn't that what people hope for in relationships? To build something that will last forever? So I hope so?

12. Are you mad at someone right now?
No?

13. Do you believe in love?
Sure.

14. What makes you laugh no matter what?
Stupid stuff, funny videos, etc.

15. Who was the last person you talked to?
Friend at the coffee shop.

16. Do you get butterflies around the person you like?
If I liked someone at this point then probably?

17. Will you get married?
I doubt it. Hard to find someone that can put up with me. XDDD But I would like to at some point.

18. When was the last time you smiled?
Fake or real? o.o

19. Does anyone like you?
As a friend, hopefully. Anything more, I doubt it. XD

20. Do you secretly like someone?
Nope :)

21. Who was the first person you talked to today?
My annoying ass sister because we had so much to do today. :P

22. Who do you find most comfortable talking to about anything?
Not sure really. People don't know how to not run their mouths about private stuff. So yeah.

23. What are you NOT looking forward to?
Work, finally doing my taxes, adulting stuff.

24. What ARE you looking forward to?
I don't really look forward to much, because when I do it tends to end up not working out. XD

25. Has someone of another gender told you they loved you and meant it?
HAHAHAHAHAHA! I doubt it!

26. Suppose you see your ex kissing another person, what would you do?
I honestly don't care. That's their life to live and their decisions to make. Who am I to judge who or what they kiss. For all I care they can kiss my ass! ;D

27. Do you plan on moving out within the year?
Maybe? I really should...

28. Are you a forgiving person?
Not right away, but yeah for the most part.

29. How many TRUE friends do you have?
I can count the amount on one hand.

30. Do you fall for people easily?
Not as much as I used to.

31. Have you ever fallen for your ex's best friend?
No, most of my ex's best friends were assholes. XD

32. What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
A peni- I mean a piece of birthday cake from the party earlier. XD

33. Who was the last person you drove with?
My sister I think?

34. How late did you stay up last night and why
about 3am, couldn't fall asleep. Woke up at 7am.

35. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Probably. Northwest Indiana has a lot of nothing to offer, whether it be job-wise, stuff to do, or places to visit.

36. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
My niece.

37. Can you live a day without TV?
Yep, I don't watch tv.

38. When was the last time you were disappointed?
Earlier today.

39. Three names you go by...
James, Anthem, Jimothy

40. Are you currently in a relationship?
So single I've gone platinum! (<--- And that is why...) XD

41. What is your all-time favorite romance movie?
Not really into romance movies.

42. Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?
Sure.

43. What's your current problem?
What's YOUR current problem? XD

44. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yep. By someone I never expected.

45. Your thoughts of long distance relationships?
They fucking suck. Sure they can work out but for the most part they fucking suck. XD

46. How many kids do you want to have?
After being surrounded by little demons today, none.

47. Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like them?
Yep.


Well, that wasn't very exciting. Oh well.