Is that even a thing?
Anyway, have some propaganda~

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kziSDTpAaOA

This guy! The guy who bought FA+ because it was 'discounted'. At least I'll have put my money where my mouth is and helped FA make a better website. Now they HAVE to implement a notification system... Right? I mean I left a note and everything...

More importantly, I wanted to let you know that I boguht it on my  dakinu account, so I'll probably be more active on there from now on. You'll still get robot uploads! But not as many robot comments.

I really hope FA implements some kind of combining accounts too so I don't have to float between galleries, but THAT would be a big ask... Like... every other practical request.

OH WELL. https://itaku.ee/profile/dakinu is also a thing I guess.

We'll see what happens!

I try streaming even now and then. Might even do it today if all goes well. I don't have a real theme or even a VTuber avatar yet, though. I just like playing games and hanging out with people. Maybe I'll go all in once I hit 50 followers lol.

Anyway, here you go!

https://www.twitch.tv/apexrexai

Hope to chat with you soon!

I'm hyper new and hyper nervous so try to approach carefully, ok? I almost chickened out XD

Hope to have fun with whoever is there!

Just posting this to get the last post off my main page. Still have questions, but I can save those for later... maybe forever...

Nah nah i'm thinking too much again.

Um... Yeep.

I dunno if i can do this furry thing anymore (again). My Christian values or whatever are driving me absolutely insane about it. Every Sunday I get the same message from God, insisting that I leave the fandom because it's so sex focused. If it was just pornography, i'd have deleted my stash way before now. But it's not just that, it's family. I always thought of myself as a freak, a guy who could never do anything right. But there are people here who seem to actually appreciate my existence, and not just feel sorry for me and call me once a month to talk about nothing. At least, I think some people are genuine... But does any of that matter?

I'm going insane about this. I know I am, because my brain won't shut up about it. Whenever I think about NSFW here, I start wondering if this is it. If this is all life is about, pursing the next big high. I feel like I should be doing more with myself. But I can't figure out how to get there while still being happy. Being myself.. not that I like myself in any regard.

I don't get it. I just want to be happy. But that's bad. I want to be good, but then I'll be alone again like I was during Christian academy days. Or do I just have to trust in god to give me new friends when I delete everything? Would it even be worth it? is anything?

I really wanted to my new years resolution to be "living with less fear" but now I'm farad I'll have the courage to hurt myself. Maybe to cut off any temptations I could possibly have in the future (It's in the bible), or just going 'fuck it' and giving up the game.

I know I need therapy, but I can't figure out who to go too. And I'm too scared they'll give me the wrong answer, or no answer. And my insurance will expire at any day now so that's fun.

I'm sorry. I really wanted to get off my butt and do more projects here, but God wants me to leave this beautiful creative world we've built together. I hate it. I hate Him. I hate everything... and I'm scared.

What the FUCK do I do!? I mean, I know what to do... but I don't like the answer by any means.

... I wish he was real. That boyfriend I always dreamed of that would tell me everything would be ok and I'd be able to believe him. But that's a lie and it will always be a lie no matter which path I take.

I'm sorry. I know this is the last thing anyone wants to read on an art site. I don't blame you if you leave me alone after this. Hell, it'd just make it easier for me to leave if no one likes me anymore. Even still, I know asking the 'sinners' what to do is a trap in itself. But like the title says, I'm losing it. And I just don't care anymore.

I'm still sad that mechs aren't commonplace yet (and the robots we do have are creepy as heck), but I believe we'll get there someday.

My new year resolution this time is to not just survive, but thrive! Someone recently told me that I should do more things I want to do while I'm young enough to do them. Not sure what I WANT to do that's practical, but one of them is going to a FurCon. That's going to be an adventure just trying to find a way to get there, right? If it's even a thing for much longer...

Maybe commission a few comics with my characters so they aren't just locked up in my brain forever too. Perhaps even check out this 'love' thing I keep hearing about. Sounds dangerous, but I might hate myself for never trying. If I can do that right either.

Anyway, you guys got any ideas or plans?

So uh, I think I have a job now. It's a customer service job and not very computer oriented. But It'll give me a chance to work with the public. I'm going to do technical support services either way. Might as well take the opportunity to try it out. And, you know, not be a mooching bum anymore.

At first I didn't know what to make of it. Like, is it a mistake in the application process? Is it a very elaborate prank? But after going through the info session today... I think It's a real thing.

I know it's going to be rough working with people, but I'm so sick of being useless and listless. I gotta help society somehow. Even if it is answering credit card questions.

I love FurAffinity and the fandom, but I always worry that the next person I commission will dox me because I didn't give them a tip or something. I hate how paypal forces you to use your name and address. It'd probably only take one more accidental RL face upload for me to get taken out, honestly. But I really want to show off lesser known artists on my profiles, even if they aren't that big.

Everyone ok in DC and elsewhere? I dunno if any of you live there, but I always worry when these things start up.

Server migration is tomorrow apparently so stock up on your Van-Goats!

I don't have a lot of confidence in myself. When I was a kid, I used to think that almost everything that happened around me was my fault. Even now i still struggle with wanting to be perfect, at least so that other people will like me.

It's why I switched form Dakinu to Apex a few years back. I wanted to appeal to more people and make more friends, rather than be myself or who I want to be. I mean, I am a nice guy who wants to help others just like Apex. (My black and white morals don't hurt the comparison to a robot either). However, Dakinu represents what I WANTED to see in myself. Maybe not the total disregard for others property, but the take-no-crap, give-no-shits attitude that a real rebel could. I guess I just really wanted freedom in my life. But you can only go so far as a furry...

It didn't help that I spent so much time on F-List looking for someone to play with and feeling rejected every time I tried to start up a conversation. It made me come to the conclusion later that people might not like me if my character was a rat. Or a furry in general in real life. So I figured the most logical step was to change my fursona entirely. That's where Apex came from. However, please keep in mind that I have EXTREMELY few memories of anyone saying something like "Ew! Rat!". If anything people were more pleased to see him rather than disgusted. But I want as many people to like me so I switched fursonas.

Apex is fun and all, but I feel bad quite often about not being Dakinu. But i'm too scared to be Dakinu and end up an outcast. Despite all the likes and favs and friends I have because of his appearance and attitude. The icing on the cake is that there's anotehr fursona that I want to be, but I'll never have theo confidence I WANT To have to use it.

Damn it I'm so desperate for friends that I can't even see the ones I already have this sucks.


Also, sorry for the empty journal earlier. Didn't know you could do that.

Sorry, gotta go all of a sudden. Let me know what you think.

[Hugs every good dragon out there]



[And maybe a few bad ones too, just to be sure]

:3

I went with ApexRex because it sounded cool, but now i'm thinking that Apex Alpha AI would be cooler. It can be abbreviated to "Triple AI" after all, like a triple A battery. Like what Apex is in general.

BUT it turns out that Apex Alpha is a term for men being the macho of the macho, so that might not work in the long run.

How do writers do this stuff?

TLDR I'm thinking about which fursona to use as my main, since both have personal issues involved in their creation.

---

Ever since I was in middle school I've had a serious problem with depression. You know, not having friends 'll do that to ya (among other things). This made me feel rejected and unwanted, so when I found out about the furry fandom I thought being a rat would be fitting. But not just any rat, a rat who's rough and tough and confident and doesn't care what anyone thinks about him (but still had friends somehow). As you can imagine this fantasy of mine lasted for quite a while.

However, about a year ago, I randomly became worried again that having a rat character as my main face would be grounds for rejection. People that I might want to be friends or even RP with might not like rats so they might not give me a chance. And not having a chance to show people who I am is kind of a nightmare for me. So I decided to make another character, this one more like the real me but also rather pure and logical and kind. (The" positive" things I wanted myself to be, instead of Daniel's "Negative" themes, now that I think about it.) This fursona was fun to mess with, but some of my friends were off put by the changes. Some didn't know how to interact anymore, and others stopped talking altogether.

Anyway a few weeks ago I suddenly realized that me making a character out of fear of other people's opinion of me was wrong. I shouldn't be what I THINK people want me to be, I should be what I WANT TO BE! (Unless transformation is involved.) But... Who do I want to be?

Trying something real quick. Nothing to see really

Tell me I'm pretty or something. IDK.

As some of you in my circle may have noticed, I'm going through a bit of a personal crisis. It's making me wonder about who I am as a person and where I should be in life and if any of it is worth trying to change or not.

See, I'm (supposedly) a Christian who's felt really guilty about being a gay furry for like... ever. I know most of us here are 100% ok with their preference of partner, but i'm not. According to every preacher I've seen, being gay is a sin, and that if I keep looking at the nsfw stuff at least, I'll go to hell. i'm also pretty sure being into animal people is a sin, or at least super frowned upon by the general populace. I've even heard some of my online normie friends refer to us as goat f'ers, so I know that will be an issue if I even accidentally change my avatar. I'm scared that someone would find out about all my furry stuff if I continue being in the fandom (if it isn't already too late) and expose me and ruin my life because I was different. And I can't be like "at least I'll have my furry friends" because... am I supposed to have them either? I mean, one of my favorite groups on telegram is all dudes who post nsfw multiple times a day... but I feel super bad thinking about abandoning ship just because a guy in the sky told me to maybe. But It's my soul that's at stake... right? Is that selfish?

I've also heard a lot of furs who I asked for advice from say "as a former Christian, I think...." Those words terrify me. Am I going to have to give up my religion just to be happy? Or is being happy a sin like my brain keeps telling me? I'm so stuck.

I wanted to keep this to myself, but I need help. I don't know who to go to though. Going to a furry just seemed to upset them, and I know going to a normie would just confuse them. So I'm just gonna scream my feelings at both and hope the mixed responses will gel into something better than sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

Thanks.

===== Notes =====

[Update 5/23] "I can see how the furry fantsy can be weird to most, but I don't see how it's their business to judge. I'm not assaulting or betraying or corrupting anyone. If anything, I'm too afraid of relationships in general to even think about doing anything NSFW with anyone in the first place. So if it's keeping me from doing stuff like having sex out side of marriage or whatever isn't that a good thing?" - Excerpt from a conversation with a friend