Ok, I'm gonna ask a question, and nobody better laugh or w/e because it's a weird question.

Two days ago was kinda strange because from the moment I woke up to when I went to sleep, I felt as happy as could be and more energetic than usual for NO reason, and yesterday I felt just as equally as depressed for again, no reason. And this morning, I felt something weird...

I felt as if somebody was calling me (not like shouting my name from across the room, I mean like calling me from my spirit or my heart or whatever..), and I felt something like a tight squeeze in my chest where my heart is... Has anybody ever felt this way before? :(

Someone help me find peace.
Someone please help me find joy.
Someone please help me find a way out of this goddamn nightmare!!!

My love.. the girl I love.. still loves her ex.. I.. knew it was too good to be true.. v.v

Hey everybody.. :( Sorry I haven't been on in so long.. I've had a lot going on.

First of all my tooth has been hurting.. I have a couple bad teeth by the way because nobody would really take care of me when i was a kid because my mom was always sick, my aunt couldn't do anything, and.. yeah. v.v Now I have to suffer from that.. So I was also feeling sick.. While finishing up the last drawing i uploaded, I felt so sick to my stomach that occasionally I had to run to the garbage can outside (i draw outside away from all distractions) and throw up but nothing came up because I hadn't eaten anything and my stomach was empty. :( So that was torture...

The day after (or at least I think it was the day after.. I've been losing track of days lately..) I went to the E.R to get some medicine to numb my tooth and some antibiotics for the pain (i also got two shots in a uncomfortable place.. but other than the pressure the shots gave it was pretty bearable.) Umm... After that I've been just laying and sleeping on the futon as I've been doing for the last few days, and I've been feeling more sleepy than usual.



What I'm doing is since I have some bad teeth (it's really only one seriously bad one) I'm rinsing my mouth with hot salt water to get rid of the germs and carefully brushing.



Anyway all of that isn't really important to me but I thought I'd let you all know what's been going on with me.. Yesterday was a very special day. ^^ Mine and  ayamawolf8 's 1-month anniversary. :) I planned on making a drawing (which I will in time) but I seriously worked my ass off for everybody running errands and running around, riding the bike to the store, and just let me say with my fibromialja (still not sure how it's spelled), nothing is easy for me, especially riding a bike.. But from the moment I woke up to the latest at one in the morning today, I've been doing this, that, and the other for everybody, and still they want more from me! Seriously, I'm not invincible. -.- Their all just selfish bastards... Yesterday, I might as well say although it should've been special, it was complete hell... I'd forgotten to take the garbage cans in front of the house because of how long i've been sick, but my aunt although she did move them in front for me which i do appreciate, I think it was STUPID to tell them she did it for me! Because what happens then? My uncle isn't giving me an allowance AND I couldn't go to the library... Again, I want to add I run endless errands for EVERYBODY.



Here's an important, agonizing.. painful thing I just went through like ten minutes ago... How exactly did it begin.. Oh yes. Right when I woke up, my aunt carla (supposedly the nice but not too smart aunt, the one who told them about the garbage cans), she needed me to go with her to drop things off with a friend who was in a mental hospital. But that trip was prolonged when we had to drop her off at the bus station. She needed breaks literally every twenty seconds but I can honestl understand that. When we get home, my uncle gets on carla's ass about how everybody needs to stop sending to me to the store, get things, etc. for everybody so i can complete my chores (which is the entire house from doing the dishes and cleaning the shower to sweeping and moping every room to cleaning out the cat's litter boxes). I honestly believe that makes things easier, but STILL people send me to the store! Again, this is a thing that doesn't matter, but what does is that every time I would get distracted into something else, my uncle would jump my back and say I need to stop playing around. He told me i need to stop messing around and finish sweeping so he could sweep his room himself, but i wasn't even playing around. Sherri, my bitchy aunt, was telling me to go to the store, and i gave the broom to my uncle and said "here.." which i'll admit i did have attitude in that 1 word, but when you deal with as much BS as i do, in the back of your mind, you just want everybody to shut the hell up. Then he begins yelling at me, saying I'm messing with the wrong guy, and we started arguing until it ended up with him making me sit on a chair in a corner. Seriously? -.- It all kinda hapened quickly I can't remember much of the argument other than him saying I don't do s**t around the house and I told him I DO EVERYTHING and that he shouldn't be expecting anything more out of me, and he said "oh i won't."



After that, my aunts walked out and my cousin brittany walked in, and i just calmly said "i love you brittany" as if nothing had hapened, and she said it back and she's sorry they treat me the way they do.. I don't know what it was but at that moment i just started crying, and just told her i don't know how much more i can take..



I want to tell you all something i thought of while I was sick. When i first meet somebody, i feel beyond uncomfortable. When i'm obligated to shake somebody's hand, I want to just walk away. I realized after going what i went through with my brothers chris and richard and my dad, I have serious trust issuses. That's also why I can't stand to be touched... Chris called my mother poison all because she wouldn't let him be at home.. I also want to add that him and his wife always stalked me at stockton and one day when i was at a park and she talked with me, i was so pissed that even she said I gave a domonic look. The reason i was so mad was because basically they were trying to buy my heart! Screw that! If i hate you, I hate you for good, and right now, my brothers are on my list of people i'd love to knock the crap out of. Hehe.. From what people say, i'm taller than my bald-ass dad! >:3 I could definetly take him.. And i'm not saying I would fight them, that's just how much I... strongly dislike them. (hate is a strong word lol...)



Anyway... after me and brittany talked for a little bit and hugged(only people i know i can trust i'll hug or w/e), my aunts came running in saying "how could you say you don't care if he has cancer?!"



...I'm so nervous right now I forgot to say that while sitting in the chair and stil while arguing with him, I've lost all respect for him and plain flat out said that... I regret it a little, but not realy after all the hell they've put me for seven years on top of all the hell i've gone through my entire life..



After they started screaming at me, I just screamed over them.. "SHUT THE HELL UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" After that, I just ran off, and here I am at the library... I'm honestly worried what's gonna happen once i come back to that prison... I've just had it with everything... I hate almost everything about this world... There's nothing good about it.. Except one thing.. That I have friends like all of you, whether or not your close.. and.. that I have the most beautiful, amazing.. -cries a little- sweet, caring, mate. I love you  ayamawolf8 and your the only person who's ever truly completely understood me.. I promise I'll try to stay strong...



Lastly.. just, thank you all for reading this..

This is something to my love  ayamawolf8
How I love you so.. I think about you from the moment I wake up, to the moment I sleep. I always dream of you and only you. You ARE a dream. It's like your made just to match me perfectly.. I love you so much.. When I think about us being torn apart, it scares me to death.. I don't think I could live without you. You are my everything, and I feel as if we are one, because I always feel your spirit with me. I want to hold you.. kiss you.. whisper in your ear that i love you. I promise I'll always cherish you. Your like your favorite flower: the Rose. Beautiful and passionate. I constantly think and dream of the day we meet, when there won't be anymore worries.. I'll always fight to protect you, and I would take a million shots if it were to save your life. There isn't anything in the world I wouldn't do for you. I just want to hold you.. I love you.
Your big, bad, strong wolf Jesse <3

I'm very happy with  ayamawolf8 :) She's everything I ever wanted in someone.

love you hun :)  LarabelleZombieFolf

If anyone's interested I got a phone now so either comment or note me if you want to text with me

okay so.. I've been feeling really depressed lately.. :( As you all know I've been on and off for a while because of things going on at home.. Well a few days ago I check all my messages just as i always do, and at aout the fourteenth, a friend tells me that their friend they know in real life (who is also MY friend AND my ex girlfriend) died. v.v I told him "you've got to be kidding me" and he was serious.. :( I asked how it happened, and he said "struck her artery." I just seriously can't believe this, but I also doubt he'd be lying about it... I cannot sleep, I can't drink, I'm just... I just don't know what to do. :( More than anything, I wish it was a lie...

I just wanted to tell everyone happy valentine's day. ^^

Ok, I'm gonna start off this journal by saying how annoying it is, when you tell someone that you like them, ask them to be your valentine and they say yes, and after all that they've had a mate all along. -.- What pisses me off most is when they complain ALL the time about how alone they are, and they have a mate. This reminds me waaay too much of my ex who lives in San Diego, and when I started finding out how he really was inside, which is the list of things I hate listed above, I started hating his guts and wanted to rip his damn head off his shoulders. Stop whining, stop complaining, and don't mask your feelings for someone! I can't stand that! It seriously makes me want to shout and punch walls everywhere I go! I will end this vent journal with this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFrA5g2t-vM

You can win a chance to get free art from  willowodis WillowOdis :D
Here's the link: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/...../#cid:31542485

So lately I've been thinking "I'm gonna be alone on valentine's day", constantly going on and on about it... Well today I just looked through my messages, I've been talking to my ex, whom we both agreed to be brothers (in rp). I saw his post saying how lonely he is because he didn't have a mate... :( Before I continue, I'mma just say my feelings for him have not even vanished at all. I still love him with all my heart. <3
So anyway, I told him that I still love him and I kept it to myself because I was scared that if I told him, that he'd hate me. :( I would cry myself to sleep almost every night... I could barely eat or drink either... But today I'm crying tears of joy because HE told me exactly in his words:
"I don't x3 I still love you in my big croc heart"
So he knows who he is if he's reading this. :) I'm so happy..

Ok so lately I've been kinda playing final fantasy 7 nonstop trying to kill these "secret" bosses called Ruby and Emerald weapon. They are far stronger than Ultima weapon which you fight at least two to five times depending on whether or not you try to get Cloud's final weapon. So here's the strategy I try to use on Ruby Weapon. I keep only the necessary materia at my disposal, and of course Ruby's so cheap he flushes down two allies down the quicksand toilet (lol) so you can only use one character in this fight, but I always try to use cloud since his stats are all higher up than everyone else's. I always use W-Item (allows you to use 2 items at once) and I always use hero drink and Elixirs whenever he has me cornered and I have nothing to do, but it keeps being dragged on and on and I eventually lose patience and just try to kill him instantly and always die...
Here's the issue for Emerald Weapon: He's underwater. And what's underwater that you can't find anywhere, no matter how long you search for? Air. -.- So unless I get a underwater materia which I have no clue where it's at, I'm stuck with this annoying 20 minute timer. I've figured out a way to just take on emerald's attacks, that's no problem. I can easily last as long as I need to.. within 20 minutes. After the timer goes out, I die instantly... If anyone knows how to help, please do. I really want mastered materia.

So, this is kinda a vent journal post. Wait.. All I post ARE vent journals. o.o' Oh well, don't sweat the small stuff.. (size joke because I'm short lol..)
Every single valentine's day that's ever passed no one has ever asked me out. >.< Others may think "how is that possible?" (I know my aunt thought that.) but I seriously wouldn't doubt it if I was a second person hearing my first self say that. It really has happened to me except back at elementary school when the whole class would give you these valentine day cards. -.- Honestly to me that got on my nerves because it's not real and I don't want anything unless it's real. Anyway this is my 18th valentine's day and I'm just really hoping someone would just ask me the big question "will you be mine?" because the barely having any friends, no family to support you, and feeling alone really gets to you after a while. I used to love being alone but now I really hate it... And again, for those who are reading this, I don't want anyone to ask me unless you REALLY like me..

I've been doing great as far as being independent goes. I already don't need to be told I can be on my own. I'm smart and can memorize things anyone says and they only have to say it once. I can map out ANYWHERE I go. I'm like a walking GPS. :3 Just yesterday I rode my uncle's bike to the store to go grocery shopping (the bags nearly broke on the way back and on the way there the chain fell off but somehow I put it back on) and carrying all the bags with my right arm and steering with my other was kinda difficult but I took care of it all. I've already paid bills once before, I do western union now, and other than worrying about how much money I'll be able to make on my own. (I have a couple of people in mind I'd love to live with that live near me.) I'm a lot smarter than everyone thinks I am but my uncle was a complete douchebag when I told them "they need to start realizing I'm 18 and they need to start treating me like it." I listed a list of things I know to do now just as I've done before in this journal entry and he says "did you know I did all those things when I was 12?"
F**k you. -.- Do you have ashbergers? Did you lose all your damn family at a young age? No I don't think you did, but you did dumbass things like smoke weed and go to jail. I swear to god they make me so mad I wanna rip their heads off. I don't even care about what happens to me and I do mean ANYTHING!!! I don't care what happens to me anymore as long as I don't have to live here anymore, I'd be so happy... I just can't take it anymore... I just want to get out of this jail cell... I feel trapped with no where to go at all. I thought I've been through hell before when I went through losing one family member after another, but I learned it was just the beginning... I'm seriously beginning to lose...

I forgot to say it yesterday because the only time I thought about it was when I randomly glanced at my wolf calendar, but happy birthday to Jason Joiner, and R.I.P big brother. I still miss you so very much..

Hey everyone. :3 I'm kinda new here so I thought I'd introduce myself.
My name is Jesse, I was born in June 9th, 1994 so currently I'm 18. I've had a hard life but I'm starting to get through hell just fine. If you wanna know my past just ask, I won't bite.. or will I? >.< lol just kidding.
My interests.. Don't really have much of those. Their video games, computers, reading, drawing, and that's about it. See? Not that many things I like doing.
There are a lot of things I dislike so I guess there isn't a point in posting it.
Hmm, my personality.. Well I'm very shy at first and very quiet. I kinda give myself the nickname "Archangel" because I'm always looking out for my friends as if I were their guardian angel, but if you make me mad or mess with people I care about, I can be very evil.
I'm currently making my fursona with someone, so I don't have any info on that.
My favorite colors are light-blue, black, and grey.
I guess I should tell you my appearance huh? Well I have thick, curly dirty-blond hair, although I really want to get it straightened because it's too much of a hassle to take care of... I'm white, I'm kinda short for my age >.< about 5'7'', and I have grey eyes.
At the moment that's all I can really think of, but just ask me questions and I'll answer. Love you all! <3