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3/18 journal
Posted 5 years agoFigured I'd write some journals to keep my mind occupied.
This whole thing seems so surreal. The changes in life, at least for me, are sudden and I don't feel like I was adequately prepared for the reality of this situation.
As someone who lives with generalized anxiety and panic disorder, I've found that the disruption to norms has upset my ability to manage my anxiety as well as I could before. I think the great number of unknowns and the lack of time-frame for what to expect in the coming weeks is a little much right now. Seems like talking about it helps a bit though.
I think it's mainly being stuck with my family, but also the fact that I'm feeling so isolated that is getting to me. It's been a real wake-up call to the fact that I need to get my shit together and get out of this house as soon as it's possible to do so. Dealing with my parents is only viable in short bursts. Being confined here with them is insufferable.
I'm trying to go into this thinking that I've got at least 8 weeks that we'll have to be trying to get by with restrictions. No idea if that's too long or too short. The thought of that is...unpleasant, to say the least. So I'm going to try to focus on taking this one day at a time.
Stay safe, stay smart
This whole thing seems so surreal. The changes in life, at least for me, are sudden and I don't feel like I was adequately prepared for the reality of this situation.
As someone who lives with generalized anxiety and panic disorder, I've found that the disruption to norms has upset my ability to manage my anxiety as well as I could before. I think the great number of unknowns and the lack of time-frame for what to expect in the coming weeks is a little much right now. Seems like talking about it helps a bit though.
I think it's mainly being stuck with my family, but also the fact that I'm feeling so isolated that is getting to me. It's been a real wake-up call to the fact that I need to get my shit together and get out of this house as soon as it's possible to do so. Dealing with my parents is only viable in short bursts. Being confined here with them is insufferable.
I'm trying to go into this thinking that I've got at least 8 weeks that we'll have to be trying to get by with restrictions. No idea if that's too long or too short. The thought of that is...unpleasant, to say the least. So I'm going to try to focus on taking this one day at a time.
Stay safe, stay smart
Secret World: Legends review
Posted 8 years agoEyyy. So after playing Secret World: Legends for a bit of time, I have to say I am not impressed. I can't imagine playing the game for very long at all, especially not the "100+ Hours" they advertise.
Pros:
+ Decent character customization
+ Great atmosphere
+Great writing
+Decent music
Cons:
- Clunky combat system
-Obstructive UI
-Terrible facial animation and lip sync
-Slowdown with small groups of enemies
- Difficulty scaled for soloing, making group play overly easy
-Missions poorly designed,frequently bugged
TLDR: Go find something else to do with your time.
Pros:
+ Decent character customization
+ Great atmosphere
+Great writing
+Decent music
Cons:
- Clunky combat system
-Obstructive UI
-Terrible facial animation and lip sync
-Slowdown with small groups of enemies
- Difficulty scaled for soloing, making group play overly easy
-Missions poorly designed,frequently bugged
TLDR: Go find something else to do with your time.
Adoptable auction
Posted 11 years agoMy lovely mate 
blackchimera is auctioning off a lovely female adoptable of a unique species, so go ahead and check it out n_n
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12833215/
blackchimera is auctioning off a lovely female adoptable of a unique species, so go ahead and check it out n_nhttp://www.furaffinity.net/view/12833215/
Updates
Posted 12 years ago Hello FA. I'm still lurking around despite my hiatus from the art world. Decided to post a new journal since it"s been awhile.
I quit my job at [CONTENT REMOVED]. Long story short, it was a large retail establishment that made me do manual labor in the warehouse despite the fact that I was supposedly working on "tech support." They didn't feel like hiring someone for back room, and I refused to be stuck between two job titles. Money is of course scarce, but that job was balls.
I'm starting school soon to complete my Bachelor's. In a few weeks I'll be at the Art Institute in Schaumburg, hopefully making progress towards my Illustration degree. It will be nice to be around fellow artists and to have a schedule of some sorts. Worried about long-term costs but I can't really complain. I'm glad I can go at all.
Still struggling with panic attacks that keep me up all night. It's not a fun condition, but I hope to get it under control with school starting soon. It takes practice to stay calm, but most nights are bearable. My current meds aren't really helping, I'd like to see how I am without meds for awhile perhaps. I seemed to cope well enough without them before.
Actually working on some art for a change. Writing as well, I have a sci-fi novel that I've been chipping at for several years.
All in all, JTHM says it the best: "I can't say I'm happy with where my life is right now, but I can't help but look forward to where it's going."
I quit my job at [CONTENT REMOVED]. Long story short, it was a large retail establishment that made me do manual labor in the warehouse despite the fact that I was supposedly working on "tech support." They didn't feel like hiring someone for back room, and I refused to be stuck between two job titles. Money is of course scarce, but that job was balls.
I'm starting school soon to complete my Bachelor's. In a few weeks I'll be at the Art Institute in Schaumburg, hopefully making progress towards my Illustration degree. It will be nice to be around fellow artists and to have a schedule of some sorts. Worried about long-term costs but I can't really complain. I'm glad I can go at all.
Still struggling with panic attacks that keep me up all night. It's not a fun condition, but I hope to get it under control with school starting soon. It takes practice to stay calm, but most nights are bearable. My current meds aren't really helping, I'd like to see how I am without meds for awhile perhaps. I seemed to cope well enough without them before.
Actually working on some art for a change. Writing as well, I have a sci-fi novel that I've been chipping at for several years.
All in all, JTHM says it the best: "I can't say I'm happy with where my life is right now, but I can't help but look forward to where it's going."
Warning! Incoming rant/reflections on stuff
Posted 13 years ago This is mainly a response to 
Kamunt, who posted a big-ass journal about several opinions he has. People seem to forget that opinions are specific to an individual, and are the result of many factors such as personal experience, upbringing, personality traits, and internal moral codes. No one has to share my opinions, and they may well be terribly incorrect in a cosmic truth sort of way. Still seemed like a neat idea to make a little list and see where it goes...I bet it will contain many rhetorical questions.
Babies. I am very tired of seeing babies. I do not understand why the ability to reproduce has become an expectation to reproduce. We have already exceeding our planet's capacity to support us in terms of space and resources. Creating a child, when so many parent-less children already exist in foster care and homes, seems to be a very selfish thing to do. Speaking of selfishness, the choice to produce a child is, to me, equally as selfish as choosing not to. The child is being born for apparently selfish reasons: One or more of the parents desire a child; A parent wishes to leave behind a genetic legacy; Children are expected of married couples in our society. I choose to not have a child, for equally selfish reasons: I don't want one.
I don't see any reason why my decision to not reproduce is met with such skepticism. "You'll change your mind", they say. "You're too young to think of that", they say. I -have- thought about it. A lot. I'm aware that I'll never have the "joy" of parenthood. I don't want the responsibility of raising a child. And I do not at all agree with bringing another being into this world, to thrust them against their will into life. Life is scary, and unbelievably cruel. Childbearing demands much more thought and respect than being reduced to a simple expectation.
Sex. I don't get it. I fail to see the appeal of risking aforementioned pregnancy when a baby is not desired. There are so many other smutty things people can do with each other that does not involve actual intercourse. So why are people so casual about it? The media glorifies it. Pornography reduces it to a mere act, an impulsive need to be satisfied at the slightest arousal. I won't even consider having sex until I'm good and fixed, and by that of course, I mean infertile. That costs money, however, and is not without its risks. Are we really having sex just "because it feels good"? Because we're wired to do it? Because society says we must? Since when are we slaves to anything except eating and breathing? I don't get it. Enlighten me.
Religion. I agree with Kamunt that religion, if nothing else, provides a moral code by which we are taught to abide. Honestly, I can't deny that the morality which religion teaches does allow our society to function in a relatively humane way. Having been raised as a Catholic, I could never ignore the unrealistic expectations that the Church had of their followers. They told me that the things I felt were wrong, that the people I loved were hell-bound for doubting the credibility of thousand-year-old stories. The church failed to get with the times, setting awkward conditions under which I was to live, and attempting to force their views on such topics as abortion onto me. I don't hate religion, but the standardized, Bible-centered congregation left something to be desired in me. I felt it missed the point, given the changing state of our times. My view of religion is as follows, in a rather unfiltered and possibly contradictory paragraph:
We are by nature social creatures, but also by nature we are apparently very violent ones. While I believe that violent crimes are motivated by greed, or lust, or envy, they are also facilitated by a marked disregard not only for human life, but also for one's own integrity. Religion provides an additional level of responsibility to oneself. Even though we may evade societal laws and the police which enforce them, immoral acts tarnish our very soul. In the end, we are damned for having sacrificed our cleanliness for fleeting, worldly desires. That's what religion tells us. Forget about the deities, and the scriptures. Stuff the politics and holy wars. Religion holds us accountable for our own actions. It makes our gaze turn inward, to analyze not only how we have treated others, but how we have treated ourselves. Give us our will, and allow us to be human, and make mistakes. I don't see anything wrong with that. I suppose I feel a sense of spiritualism, as I am not atheist. I just dislike organized religion for trying to make me into Jesus.
Vore. Don't even read this paragraph if you don't want to hear it. I just find it interesting to reflect on. It certainly seems like the appeal of vore is very specific to the individual. For me, as with most people it has NOTHING to do with cannibalism, (I am exclusively into soft vore) and it has nothing to do with gore or scat. I guess I can try to outline my interest in it. From what I understand, my interest in vore was something I developed long before I knew it was a paraphilia, or that there was a community for it. I can remember it as far back as my memories go, so it seems to have been more a product of nature than nurture. I was never unsettled by the way I felt, but I was often curious as to whether other people felt the way I did. Most people seemed to have no appreciable interest in it, or found the thought unappetizing. The concept was completely absent in any psychological readings I had done. When I found finally others with whom I could relate, I began to understand what it was I was experiencing. Why we voraraphiles respond the way we do to being eaten is still a mystery,but for me has something to do with a concept most people are familiar with: Domination.
I tend to be prey if I'm RP'ing. I'm a naturally submissive person, so the dominating position of Pred is unappealing to me in most cases. I think of vore as a very dominant act, with the Pred performing what is pretty much the epitome of domination: the taking of another into their body. The Prey is completely at the mercy of not only the Pred's will, but also their unconscious internal processes such as peristalsis and the like. I prefer to have the Pred either eat the Prey against their will, or alternatively to have the situation play out in a more willing fashion where the Pred is knowledgeable about the Prey's interest and allows the Prey to indulge it. In the latter case, the act is more one of trust on the Prey's part that the Pred will not harm them. It's more gooey (lol) and romantic than the former. So yeah.
I'm tired. That's all for this one.
Kamunt, who posted a big-ass journal about several opinions he has. People seem to forget that opinions are specific to an individual, and are the result of many factors such as personal experience, upbringing, personality traits, and internal moral codes. No one has to share my opinions, and they may well be terribly incorrect in a cosmic truth sort of way. Still seemed like a neat idea to make a little list and see where it goes...I bet it will contain many rhetorical questions.Babies. I am very tired of seeing babies. I do not understand why the ability to reproduce has become an expectation to reproduce. We have already exceeding our planet's capacity to support us in terms of space and resources. Creating a child, when so many parent-less children already exist in foster care and homes, seems to be a very selfish thing to do. Speaking of selfishness, the choice to produce a child is, to me, equally as selfish as choosing not to. The child is being born for apparently selfish reasons: One or more of the parents desire a child; A parent wishes to leave behind a genetic legacy; Children are expected of married couples in our society. I choose to not have a child, for equally selfish reasons: I don't want one.
I don't see any reason why my decision to not reproduce is met with such skepticism. "You'll change your mind", they say. "You're too young to think of that", they say. I -have- thought about it. A lot. I'm aware that I'll never have the "joy" of parenthood. I don't want the responsibility of raising a child. And I do not at all agree with bringing another being into this world, to thrust them against their will into life. Life is scary, and unbelievably cruel. Childbearing demands much more thought and respect than being reduced to a simple expectation.
Sex. I don't get it. I fail to see the appeal of risking aforementioned pregnancy when a baby is not desired. There are so many other smutty things people can do with each other that does not involve actual intercourse. So why are people so casual about it? The media glorifies it. Pornography reduces it to a mere act, an impulsive need to be satisfied at the slightest arousal. I won't even consider having sex until I'm good and fixed, and by that of course, I mean infertile. That costs money, however, and is not without its risks. Are we really having sex just "because it feels good"? Because we're wired to do it? Because society says we must? Since when are we slaves to anything except eating and breathing? I don't get it. Enlighten me.
Religion. I agree with Kamunt that religion, if nothing else, provides a moral code by which we are taught to abide. Honestly, I can't deny that the morality which religion teaches does allow our society to function in a relatively humane way. Having been raised as a Catholic, I could never ignore the unrealistic expectations that the Church had of their followers. They told me that the things I felt were wrong, that the people I loved were hell-bound for doubting the credibility of thousand-year-old stories. The church failed to get with the times, setting awkward conditions under which I was to live, and attempting to force their views on such topics as abortion onto me. I don't hate religion, but the standardized, Bible-centered congregation left something to be desired in me. I felt it missed the point, given the changing state of our times. My view of religion is as follows, in a rather unfiltered and possibly contradictory paragraph:
We are by nature social creatures, but also by nature we are apparently very violent ones. While I believe that violent crimes are motivated by greed, or lust, or envy, they are also facilitated by a marked disregard not only for human life, but also for one's own integrity. Religion provides an additional level of responsibility to oneself. Even though we may evade societal laws and the police which enforce them, immoral acts tarnish our very soul. In the end, we are damned for having sacrificed our cleanliness for fleeting, worldly desires. That's what religion tells us. Forget about the deities, and the scriptures. Stuff the politics and holy wars. Religion holds us accountable for our own actions. It makes our gaze turn inward, to analyze not only how we have treated others, but how we have treated ourselves. Give us our will, and allow us to be human, and make mistakes. I don't see anything wrong with that. I suppose I feel a sense of spiritualism, as I am not atheist. I just dislike organized religion for trying to make me into Jesus.
Vore. Don't even read this paragraph if you don't want to hear it. I just find it interesting to reflect on. It certainly seems like the appeal of vore is very specific to the individual. For me, as with most people it has NOTHING to do with cannibalism, (I am exclusively into soft vore) and it has nothing to do with gore or scat. I guess I can try to outline my interest in it. From what I understand, my interest in vore was something I developed long before I knew it was a paraphilia, or that there was a community for it. I can remember it as far back as my memories go, so it seems to have been more a product of nature than nurture. I was never unsettled by the way I felt, but I was often curious as to whether other people felt the way I did. Most people seemed to have no appreciable interest in it, or found the thought unappetizing. The concept was completely absent in any psychological readings I had done. When I found finally others with whom I could relate, I began to understand what it was I was experiencing. Why we voraraphiles respond the way we do to being eaten is still a mystery,but for me has something to do with a concept most people are familiar with: Domination.
I tend to be prey if I'm RP'ing. I'm a naturally submissive person, so the dominating position of Pred is unappealing to me in most cases. I think of vore as a very dominant act, with the Pred performing what is pretty much the epitome of domination: the taking of another into their body. The Prey is completely at the mercy of not only the Pred's will, but also their unconscious internal processes such as peristalsis and the like. I prefer to have the Pred either eat the Prey against their will, or alternatively to have the situation play out in a more willing fashion where the Pred is knowledgeable about the Prey's interest and allows the Prey to indulge it. In the latter case, the act is more one of trust on the Prey's part that the Pred will not harm them. It's more gooey (lol) and romantic than the former. So yeah.
I'm tired. That's all for this one.
Honesty Meme (cuz I'm bored)
Posted 13 years agoFrom now on, you can't tell lies, are you ready?
- Sure. It's this or re-runs of Kitchen Nightmares.
Think back eight months ago, were you single?
- Nope. Haven't been single in 5 years.
What do you carry with you at all times?
- Cell phone, wallet, mirror/comb
Are you a cuddler?
-But of course. I'm a cuddling addict.
What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
-Old sketch pads and a couple bottles of Hana brand Sake
Who was the last person of the opposite sex you text messaged?
-
cityofbones
How are you feeling?
-Tired. Long night of DnD and PSO
Is something wrong right now?
- Broke as shit and in need of a job.
Are you mad at someone?
-There's always someone. So yeah.
How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl?
- Physical attraction is an important part of relationships.
What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
- Got to play Dnd with mah bros
How many TRUE best friends do you have?
- Kamunt is one. I have about...3 others.
Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
-Got nothing else to do.
Where is your number one friend on your friends list?
-Right here in Saint Charles
Do you have anyone crushing on you?
- I really don't think so. If I do, they're about 5 years too late in telling me.
When was the last time you talked to your most recent ex?
- I guess I do have an ex. Sorta. Prly like 6 months ago.
Do you sleep with the TV on?
-No, I need complete silence and darkness.
Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
- Yeah, but it would interfere with the job search.
Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
-I got close, but I've only been drunk once. So no.
Are you jealous of someone right now?
-Always. Someone's always got something I want.
Where is the person you like like like right now?
-At home, sleeping.
What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
-A cinnamon bun
What are you supposed to be doing right now?
-Sleeping, or submitting job apps
What is the sexiest part of the opposite sex's body?
-I love bellies lol Oh, and paws.
Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
-Yes, right before clinicals
Could you handle a long distance relationship?
-Never. I don't believe in them.
Could you cry right now?
-Not sure the meds will let me. I'm actually feeling okay.
Are you okay with the life you live?
-Yes. I'm me. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Did you enjoy your day today?
-Hells yeah. My favorite night of the week.
Do you have a tattoo?
-Nope. But I'm getting some biomechanical ones when I have an income.
Would you ever get any piercings on your body, other than your ear?
- Naw. Just my left ear, which has two studs.
Ever had a song sang about/for you?
-My girl's got an awesome voice.
What was the last thing you spent money for?
-Batman comics. Fuck yeah.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
-My DM for DnD.
Do you call it fall or autumn?
-Autumn, as in Emilie Autumn. <3
11:11… Make a wish?
-pfft no.
Honestly, who makes you happy most of the time?
-when my relationship is actually working.
What were you up to at 9pm last night?
-Over at a friend's house, playing YuGiOh
Do you hold grudges?
-Yes. I'm the most forgiving person in the world, but even I have my breaking point.
Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
-Yes, when panic attacks kept me from sleeping.
What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual relationships?
-I love being around homosexual couples. I wish people would open their eyes and accept it.
Who was your last text from?
-My friend who is a girl
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
- Yeah, about two months ago. I was disappointed that there was no rock there. Having overcome that, I know I'm ready for anything.
One thing you're looking forward to?
-Resident Evil 6
Are you shy at first when it comes to meeting people?
-I am the epitome of shy. It takes a lot for me to trust anyone.
Has anyone ever called you sexy?
-Not as often as I would like
What color is your camera?
-Um. black. Stupid ass question.
Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize ?
-No. She'll never understand what she did to me. I'm content to ignore her.
Are you good at hiding your feelings?
-People can read it on my face. I like to reach out if I need help.
Are you wasting your time on someone?
-It's a parasitic cycle. I'm still hooked.
Have you ever overheard a conversation you weren't supposed to?
-I actively eavesdrop.
By the way, what is your name?
-Nick. One of a thousand others.
Are you currently in a relationship?
-Yep.
Do you give out second chances too easily?
-I give out 45th chances.
What color is your favorite hoodie?
-Grey and light green with black stripes.
Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
-I'm contractually obligated to. But she is a very good kisser~
~Nick. And now you know.
- Sure. It's this or re-runs of Kitchen Nightmares.
Think back eight months ago, were you single?
- Nope. Haven't been single in 5 years.
What do you carry with you at all times?
- Cell phone, wallet, mirror/comb
Are you a cuddler?
-But of course. I'm a cuddling addict.
What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
-Old sketch pads and a couple bottles of Hana brand Sake
Who was the last person of the opposite sex you text messaged?
-
cityofbonesHow are you feeling?
-Tired. Long night of DnD and PSO
Is something wrong right now?
- Broke as shit and in need of a job.
Are you mad at someone?
-There's always someone. So yeah.
How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl?
- Physical attraction is an important part of relationships.
What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
- Got to play Dnd with mah bros
How many TRUE best friends do you have?
-
Kamunt is one. I have about...3 others. Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
-Got nothing else to do.
Where is your number one friend on your friends list?
-Right here in Saint Charles
Do you have anyone crushing on you?
- I really don't think so. If I do, they're about 5 years too late in telling me.
When was the last time you talked to your most recent ex?
- I guess I do have an ex. Sorta. Prly like 6 months ago.
Do you sleep with the TV on?
-No, I need complete silence and darkness.
Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
- Yeah, but it would interfere with the job search.
Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
-I got close, but I've only been drunk once. So no.
Are you jealous of someone right now?
-Always. Someone's always got something I want.
Where is the person you like like like right now?
-At home, sleeping.
What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
-A cinnamon bun
What are you supposed to be doing right now?
-Sleeping, or submitting job apps
What is the sexiest part of the opposite sex's body?
-I love bellies lol Oh, and paws.
Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
-Yes, right before clinicals
Could you handle a long distance relationship?
-Never. I don't believe in them.
Could you cry right now?
-Not sure the meds will let me. I'm actually feeling okay.
Are you okay with the life you live?
-Yes. I'm me. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Did you enjoy your day today?
-Hells yeah. My favorite night of the week.
Do you have a tattoo?
-Nope. But I'm getting some biomechanical ones when I have an income.
Would you ever get any piercings on your body, other than your ear?
- Naw. Just my left ear, which has two studs.
Ever had a song sang about/for you?
-My girl's got an awesome voice.
What was the last thing you spent money for?
-Batman comics. Fuck yeah.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
-My DM for DnD.
Do you call it fall or autumn?
-Autumn, as in Emilie Autumn. <3
11:11… Make a wish?
-pfft no.
Honestly, who makes you happy most of the time?
-when my relationship is actually working.
What were you up to at 9pm last night?
-Over at a friend's house, playing YuGiOh
Do you hold grudges?
-Yes. I'm the most forgiving person in the world, but even I have my breaking point.
Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
-Yes, when panic attacks kept me from sleeping.
What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual relationships?
-I love being around homosexual couples. I wish people would open their eyes and accept it.
Who was your last text from?
-My friend who is a girl
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
- Yeah, about two months ago. I was disappointed that there was no rock there. Having overcome that, I know I'm ready for anything.
One thing you're looking forward to?
-Resident Evil 6
Are you shy at first when it comes to meeting people?
-I am the epitome of shy. It takes a lot for me to trust anyone.
Has anyone ever called you sexy?
-Not as often as I would like
What color is your camera?
-Um. black. Stupid ass question.
Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize ?
-No. She'll never understand what she did to me. I'm content to ignore her.
Are you good at hiding your feelings?
-People can read it on my face. I like to reach out if I need help.
Are you wasting your time on someone?
-It's a parasitic cycle. I'm still hooked.
Have you ever overheard a conversation you weren't supposed to?
-I actively eavesdrop.
By the way, what is your name?
-Nick. One of a thousand others.
Are you currently in a relationship?
-Yep.
Do you give out second chances too easily?
-I give out 45th chances.
What color is your favorite hoodie?
-Grey and light green with black stripes.
Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
-I'm contractually obligated to. But she is a very good kisser~
~Nick. And now you know.
yay auditions
Posted 13 years agoI recently recorded a few voice lines to audition for the Erfworld motion comic. I tried out for a few characters and I really hope to get any sort of part in it, no matter how small. If not, well, it didn't cost me anything. Still, it's exciting to have the opportunity. Wish me luck :3
Waiting...
Posted 13 years agoStill waiting for clinicals to start for my phlebotomy course. Not exactly thrilled to go and do that, but the sooner it happens, the sooner it's done. I suppose it'll show me if I can really handle taking people's blood all day or not. Better that I know.
Haven't been drawing much, haven't had the inspiration. Been working on another cosplay: Yoshimitsu from Soulcalibur V. It's almost done, might post pictures when it's all put together.
So yeah. Just an update journal to get the old one out of the way. Commissions are still open, if anyone would like to help get me out of this creative funk.
Haven't been drawing much, haven't had the inspiration. Been working on another cosplay: Yoshimitsu from Soulcalibur V. It's almost done, might post pictures when it's all put together.
So yeah. Just an update journal to get the old one out of the way. Commissions are still open, if anyone would like to help get me out of this creative funk.
A reason to live?
Posted 14 years agoIn life, we can find the resources to make something for ourselves if we scrounge hard enough, but there's no ultimate goal provided to us. We have to make a conscious decision to create that goal. If we don't, nothing we do has purpose.
It's infinitely easier to just not play the game, but that is a waste of potential. Life is full of hardship, disappointment, and misery. Conversely, life is also rich with happiness and beauty when things are working out for us. Happiness is said to be "pursued" for a reason. It's not something that is owed to us, nor is it something we are guaranteed to get. What must be weighed is the cost of continuing the pursuit versus the potential outcome.
I noticed lately that I've lost sight of my goal in life. I'm living one day at a time, and I find it strange to consider what exactly it is I'm living for. Do I have an ultimate purpose? Do I have an end to achieve?
I think I need to find something to inspire me to continue. I don't know what that is, but I should go out and find it. No one was meant to just "exist." Everyone currently living must have something keeping them here, some ties that bind them to the struggle of survival, something that drives them onwards in the face of despair.
I need to find a reason to live. I used to live for others, but that part of me has died.
I neglected my own life for far too long.
I need to live for myself.
It's infinitely easier to just not play the game, but that is a waste of potential. Life is full of hardship, disappointment, and misery. Conversely, life is also rich with happiness and beauty when things are working out for us. Happiness is said to be "pursued" for a reason. It's not something that is owed to us, nor is it something we are guaranteed to get. What must be weighed is the cost of continuing the pursuit versus the potential outcome.
I noticed lately that I've lost sight of my goal in life. I'm living one day at a time, and I find it strange to consider what exactly it is I'm living for. Do I have an ultimate purpose? Do I have an end to achieve?
I think I need to find something to inspire me to continue. I don't know what that is, but I should go out and find it. No one was meant to just "exist." Everyone currently living must have something keeping them here, some ties that bind them to the struggle of survival, something that drives them onwards in the face of despair.
I need to find a reason to live. I used to live for others, but that part of me has died.
I neglected my own life for far too long.
I need to live for myself.
I got drunk and it sucked.
Posted 14 years agoI got drunk for the first time ever yesterday night. It was fun at the time but the resulting hangover and stuff really made me feel like it wasn't worth it. I did a lot of things I'd never have done otherwise, and some of those things I wish I didn't do. Everyone had fun and nothing bad happened, but that wasn't the way I wanted my friends to see me. It's just embarrassing, and I'm rather ashamed of myself for the whole debacle.
I'm also upset that my friends kept buying me drinks even after I said I was done. I understand they wanted to see me drunk, but I'm really quite peeved about it. I'm posting this here so I don't forget about this, no matter how much I'd like to.
I'm also upset that my friends kept buying me drinks even after I said I was done. I understand they wanted to see me drunk, but I'm really quite peeved about it. I'm posting this here so I don't forget about this, no matter how much I'd like to.
Commissions opening again
Posted 14 years agoYep, now that my job has let me go, and now that I have Photoshop back, I can finish the art I owed to some of you and open for commissions again. Anyone who's even vaguely interested can note me, and we can discuss the details.
This is the link to my old commission info journal : http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2445029/
As always, though, prices are negotiable. Heck, I can even do sketchier stuff in pencils and ink for less.
Thanks!
~Xan
This is the link to my old commission info journal : http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2445029/
As always, though, prices are negotiable. Heck, I can even do sketchier stuff in pencils and ink for less.
Thanks!
~Xan
On death and dying
Posted 14 years ago Night has a way of making me think of things that I don't normally get to think about. Everything is quiet here. I'm the only one awake. More often than not my mind drifts to the big questions, things that scare me because I know that no one alive can give me straight answers about them.
Above all I'm afraid of death.
Most people my age don't seem to care about death. They're not afraid of it, they don't worry about what it is or what will happen when they die. Our society does such a good job of sweeping it under the carpet that sometimes it seems like death is something that happens only in the movies, or on crime shows. Sometimes I forget that one day, I too have to experience it. I like forgetting.
What does it mean to not exist? It's a strange question, but there was a time where all of us had not yet existed: the time before we were born. Where were we? What were we? I suppose death must be a lot like that time before we were here. None of us remember it, nor could we. I take solace in knowing that in that period of nonexistence, there was no fear, no discomfort. Perhaps that's right back where we're headed.
The fact that death can strike at any time also frightens me. I could die right now, as I'm typing this. I could die in 10 minutes, in 10 days. No matter what I do, I know in the back of my mind that I could leave this world without a moment's notice. Sometimes I feel trapped, like this is some kind of sick game. We have such an understanding of our world, but the price we pay for sentience is knowledge of our own mortality.
I suppose the knowledge of our death allows us to value life, though. It lets us value love, and the impermanence of things. Like the flowers in the desert that only bloom once a year, we can respect and admire the transience of our lives, and of those we love.
It's a scary thing. But one that unites us all.
Above all I'm afraid of death.
Most people my age don't seem to care about death. They're not afraid of it, they don't worry about what it is or what will happen when they die. Our society does such a good job of sweeping it under the carpet that sometimes it seems like death is something that happens only in the movies, or on crime shows. Sometimes I forget that one day, I too have to experience it. I like forgetting.
What does it mean to not exist? It's a strange question, but there was a time where all of us had not yet existed: the time before we were born. Where were we? What were we? I suppose death must be a lot like that time before we were here. None of us remember it, nor could we. I take solace in knowing that in that period of nonexistence, there was no fear, no discomfort. Perhaps that's right back where we're headed.
The fact that death can strike at any time also frightens me. I could die right now, as I'm typing this. I could die in 10 minutes, in 10 days. No matter what I do, I know in the back of my mind that I could leave this world without a moment's notice. Sometimes I feel trapped, like this is some kind of sick game. We have such an understanding of our world, but the price we pay for sentience is knowledge of our own mortality.
I suppose the knowledge of our death allows us to value life, though. It lets us value love, and the impermanence of things. Like the flowers in the desert that only bloom once a year, we can respect and admire the transience of our lives, and of those we love.
It's a scary thing. But one that unites us all.
Life and whatnot
Posted 14 years ago Dermal puncture (finger prick) lab went well, got 90% on both of the two attempts. xD I have holes in 1/3 of my fingers after all has been said and done, but its alright cuz I think I'm getting used to the pain.
It's hard to type though lol What with the bruising and all.
I have terrible circulation and it took several attempts to collect enough blood lol some really gung ho chick managed to get enough outta me, but nearly broke my finger off in the process >_<
I did well, collected enough without any major problems.
And now I'm gonna sleep.
It's hard to type though lol What with the bruising and all.
I have terrible circulation and it took several attempts to collect enough blood lol some really gung ho chick managed to get enough outta me, but nearly broke my finger off in the process >_<
I did well, collected enough without any major problems.
And now I'm gonna sleep.
Life update(s), random musings.
Posted 14 years ago Not a whole lot to report, really, but figure I'd update this to make it look like I'm still around. I guess I -am- around, though I don't tend to talk much on here.
Phlebotomy class is going well, though I am scared to absolute death to attempt a dermal puncture (finger prick) on Wednesday. So painful! D: The book work is easy enough, I'm kinda enthralled by all the cute little colored tops that the blood collection vials have.
Alternatively, the prospect of exposure to all sorts of horrible blood-borne pathogens does not enthrall me in the least. I guess that's what I have to deal with in this field.
My lack of Photoshop, though frustrating, has allowed me to concentrate on *gasp* TRADITIONAL ART. I know, scary. I've actually painted a few things (Harley Quinn being one of them, <3) and it makes me happy to realize that I've come so far as a painter. I also realize that oil paint takes like a week to dry, even with the super thin layers I use.
Still, there's just something about paint on canvas that feels so much more substantial than digital art or work done on paper. The canvas has weight, presence, and you can continue the painting onto the sides of the frame and turn the whole thing into a three-dimensional sorta work.
I realize that I don't do as much furry art as I should. I needs me some updates, even if I have to scan in pencil drawings and stuff. I need inspiration! lol
Much <3
Phlebotomy class is going well, though I am scared to absolute death to attempt a dermal puncture (finger prick) on Wednesday. So painful! D: The book work is easy enough, I'm kinda enthralled by all the cute little colored tops that the blood collection vials have.
Alternatively, the prospect of exposure to all sorts of horrible blood-borne pathogens does not enthrall me in the least. I guess that's what I have to deal with in this field.
My lack of Photoshop, though frustrating, has allowed me to concentrate on *gasp* TRADITIONAL ART. I know, scary. I've actually painted a few things (Harley Quinn being one of them, <3) and it makes me happy to realize that I've come so far as a painter. I also realize that oil paint takes like a week to dry, even with the super thin layers I use.
Still, there's just something about paint on canvas that feels so much more substantial than digital art or work done on paper. The canvas has weight, presence, and you can continue the painting onto the sides of the frame and turn the whole thing into a three-dimensional sorta work.
I realize that I don't do as much furry art as I should. I needs me some updates, even if I have to scan in pencil drawings and stuff. I need inspiration! lol
Much <3
Derp
Posted 14 years agoNot a lot happening as of late. I got my healthcare provider CPR certification, so I guess that's cool. I certainly hope I don't ever need to use it, but it's good to know anyway.
Paid for college, so I'm pretty much just waiting for the semester to start now. That, and the next update to Minecraft.
That's all I got lol
Computer's Dead D :
Posted 14 years agoYyyeah, my computer totally crapped out, so unfortunately I'm not gonna be able to work on anything until it's fixed/set back to factory settings.
I managed to save the photoshop documents and j.pegs of all my images, so I can continue to work on the pictures I owe to a few of you when I get everything back in order.
D : I really don't wanna lose my minecraft data lol
I managed to save the photoshop documents and j.pegs of all my images, so I can continue to work on the pictures I owe to a few of you when I get everything back in order.
D : I really don't wanna lose my minecraft data lol
Another's art raffle
Posted 14 years agoAnd the Winners are....
Posted 14 years agoIt's been a week, and now its time to announce the winners of the raffle! n 3 n
The first secret number was 45, making
RogueShadow winner #1 !!!
The second secret number was 3, making
City-of-Bones winner #2!!
Congrats! I will discuss individually with you the details of your winnings.
For the rest of you, a huge thank you to everyone who participated!
Everyone who entered will receive 50% off ONE commission from me at any time in the future! And that never expires, so good for you!
Alright. Time to do some art. : p
The first secret number was 45, making
RogueShadow winner #1 !!!The second secret number was 3, making
City-of-Bones winner #2!!Congrats! I will discuss individually with you the details of your winnings.
For the rest of you, a huge thank you to everyone who participated!
Everyone who entered will receive 50% off ONE commission from me at any time in the future! And that never expires, so good for you!
Alright. Time to do some art. : p
FREE ART RAFFLE???? I MUST BE WHACK WITH POO BRAIN
Posted 14 years agoRaffle time! The economy is balls and jobs are scarce, so here's an opportunity for -two- lucky furries to win FREE ART Yes, FREE ART. AS IN FREE. AND ALSO ART.
Simply follow these steps to be entered into the raffle:
1) Watch me! If you are already a watcher, go to #2
2) Place a link to this journal in one of your own, so more people can join.
3) Pick a number between 1-100 and post it in a comment on this journal.
After a week or so, the two users who's numbers are closest to my magical mystery numbers (pre-selected by yours truly) will each win:
One fully lined and colored image of his/her fursona!!! Like this: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5579611 Neato!
Let's do this! Thanks to those who join, and good luck! <3
Simply follow these steps to be entered into the raffle:
1) Watch me! If you are already a watcher, go to #2
2) Place a link to this journal in one of your own, so more people can join.
3) Pick a number between 1-100 and post it in a comment on this journal.
After a week or so, the two users who's numbers are closest to my magical mystery numbers (pre-selected by yours truly) will each win:
One fully lined and colored image of his/her fursona!!! Like this: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5579611 Neato!
Let's do this! Thanks to those who join, and good luck! <3
Commission Info, for future reference and/or death/glory
Posted 14 years agoMy commissions are always open, so I figure having some examples of work I can do is a good thing. I'll link to this journal later.
On the cheapest end of things is a black and white digital image such as this: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5282730
I could do this for about $5.
For $6-7 I can do flat colors, no shading such as: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5283256
Alternatively, I can add a monochrome color and shading such as: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5869286 or http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5842340 for $7-$8
$10 and up I'll do full shading and color: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5579611 This is dependent on the image and content as this is the most time consuming.
Prices are most definitely negotiable, and I'm willing to work things out. I'll provide a sketch for revision, and keep in touch with ya while I work on it.
I have a Paypal, which I would most likely use for the transaction.
On the cheapest end of things is a black and white digital image such as this: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5282730
I could do this for about $5.
For $6-7 I can do flat colors, no shading such as: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5283256
Alternatively, I can add a monochrome color and shading such as: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5869286 or http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5842340 for $7-$8
$10 and up I'll do full shading and color: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5579611 This is dependent on the image and content as this is the most time consuming.
Prices are most definitely negotiable, and I'm willing to work things out. I'll provide a sketch for revision, and keep in touch with ya while I work on it.
I have a Paypal, which I would most likely use for the transaction.
I need a new icon.
Posted 14 years agoReally, I do.
Semi-made a youtube poop :3
Posted 14 years agoHiya. kamunt and I revisited one of his old youtube poops, and lo and behold we made it better:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIY6.....ature=youtu.be
I helped out from about 2mins and 30 seconds in till the end, suggesting ideas that mostly involved the slap chop.
Check it out, and I'll <3 you forever.
kamunt and I revisited one of his old youtube poops, and lo and behold we made it better:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIY6.....ature=youtu.be
I helped out from about 2mins and 30 seconds in till the end, suggesting ideas that mostly involved the slap chop.
Check it out, and I'll <3 you forever.
My 1st Shiny :D
Posted 14 years agoI found an awesome shiny Drifblim in Black version today, when I was training up on Route 14! He had Explosion, which coulda caused the battle to end quite badly had I not caught him with the first ultra ball I threw.
He's bright yellow and blue instead of the usual purple, and he'll be a good addition to my ghost team. n_n
He's bright yellow and blue instead of the usual purple, and he'll be a good addition to my ghost team. n_n
1000 Pageviews
Posted 14 years agoFinally! xD
Thanks so much to everyone who bothered to come by and see my page!
Thanks so much to everyone who bothered to come by and see my page!
Commisions? Any takers?
Posted 15 years agoI'll gladly open up for commissions, but only if people are actually interested.
I'm broke. They'd be cheap, $5. Single character, lined. Mawshots? Full body? Bust? I'll color it too. n_n
If anyone cares, lemme know with a note or comment here.
I love doing requests, but commissions would challenge me more, and let get outta my comfort zone.
much <3
~Xan
I'm broke. They'd be cheap, $5. Single character, lined. Mawshots? Full body? Bust? I'll color it too. n_n
If anyone cares, lemme know with a note or comment here.
I love doing requests, but commissions would challenge me more, and let get outta my comfort zone.
much <3
~Xan
