Previous Journal: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11242771/

I'm struggling with my words right now, but I wanted to make a follow up to the last post I made. At least, hopefully the last one for another long period of time. For the last few months, things haven't been all so easy on me. I guess the place to start with is my job. Work was still hectic up until early October where we actually got a new General Manager running our Panda Express, but my hours got severely reduced to where I'm working only one day a week, getting only 4 and a half hours for that one shift. The reasoning behind this, far as I can remember, is that they want to prioritize hours to those who've been at the company longer, can hold their own, and how reliable they are to work with. Considering my hours and my status from earlier in the year, it's no wonder why I'm not getting anything. I wasn't trying to be bad on the job or be awful on purpose to others, but impulses got in the way. And the way I think, too. I have so much free time now, but barely a clue what to do with it as my mind was so wired on working at Panda for most of it that I'm not quite sure how to function like I used to. I'm still trying to find another job, even if I'm struggling to fill out an application with a straight face. I understand this journal might be ranty/info dumping, so if you want to skip to the "TL;DR" part further down below, I don't mind it. I just thank anyone who gave their time reading what I have to say.

Continuing on, my physical health has certainly not been great recently. In the middle of September(the 11th, to be exact), I slept that night going into the next day with a very dry throat. And several days later, I came down with what I assume is a fever. I worked a lot that week, even went out with friends cause I was their ride for an evening, but I could barely get time to lay down in bed and recover. It took up to a week for me to actually start feeling better, but ever since, I haven't felt the same. A bit off balance, not thinking as straight as I used to, and it was harder for me to enjoy certain things. I don't know if I have anything else in terms of an illness, but I unfortunately can't go to a doctor due to not having any health insurance. I failed to sign up for one earlier in the year and while I do have a chance now, the lack of hours/pay is making me nervous to attempt to seek one out at this time. And soon enough, I'll be going to MFF this year again with friends, getting gifts for folks between my family and friends; paying off little expenses I've made on the side out of the assumption that I'd be secured on hours. As you can see, my main worry has been hours and money to a point where that's what I've mostly been thinking about the past 3 weeks.

If you've seen a few of my BlueSky posts, you'll know that I've been heavily engrossed in Pokemon Legends Z-A since it's launch. And to be honest, maybe too engrossed. I don't wish to keep this to myself, but I feel a bit guilty for letting one game consume me out of FOMO(making a Mega Evolution tied to online play and may/may not return anytime soon after a ranked season is over) and wanting to actively avoid social media spoiling me. To touch lightly on this, I seriously hate how bad the spoilers got for Z-A compared to past Pokemon titles as it feels like Twitter/X ran WILD with it, posting leaks all over the place to the point where I was genuinely pissed that I can't just browse casually on there or YouTube for this matter thanks to these assholes ruining the fun of discovering things on my own time. But back to the main point. I feel guilty about letting this game take so much of my time as I didn't spend much of it with friends and even blew them off a couple times. I regret this heavily. I hold myself to a high degree to a point where I've birate or argue with myself on the mistakes I've made and this just doesn't extend to what I've described here, but on many other things. It's gotten to a point where darker thoughts have started to sprout up and while I've pushed them away much as I could, they keep coming back. Stemming back to earlier, as much as I'd like to seek professional help like I've said in an earlier journal this year, the lack of healthcare and funds just isn't in my favor. And counseling myself...you get the picture.

Because of how the past 3 weeks have been for me, I'm not entirely happy with myself still. And making myself happy has been a struggle in of itself. I can hardly get out of the bed willingly in the morning, actually staying in bed more times than not, and just...wanting to do nothing. Hell, part of me wanted to simply write a story and be creative about my internal thoughts, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I've been so quiet on a lot that I'm just slowly killing myself without realizing it. Just silencing myself to not bring others down further. ...But part of me knows that's not what anyone wants out of a guy like me. To shove their feelings aside and have them not be who they are or talk about what's on their mind. I've isolated myself more than I should've these past few weeks. I want to reconnect with people and feel social again. Maybe it's been more than these 3 weeks. Beyond that, to be frank. This year has been filled with a lot of shit thanks to a single man who has made a lot of horrible decisions and making the world suffer for it. But the problems I have are my own to bare at the end of it all. I'm responsible for my own actions and mistakes I've made the past year. And I can't sit around and let myself rot. It's just my ill-ridden mind telling me to do that as it thinks I deserve it for being a bad person who isn't good enough for his job, friends, or life in general. It's...just me telling this all to myself. ...Huh.

TL;DR - The past 3 weeks have been driving me down in a downward spiral - mostly because of expenses and work - to a point where I feel I'm not enough for many things and a disappointment. Prior to it all, I've had a hard time with work and finding another job.

I don't have a solid idea yet how I wish to be better from all this, but I still want to apologize to those I've wronged in recent times. I don't hold myself lightly when it comes to making mistakes and I want to be better for them, but I need more time to think it all over among other things. The stuff with Twitch...I'm holding off on for maybe another week. I'm not wanting to rush back into something just for the sake of money. But rather, something I can be happy with again and find something to make me more positive. Once more, no solid ideas yet on how I wish to improve myself. I wanted to let these skeletons out of my closet for a bit now and maybe my wording on a lot of this wasn't the best, but that's just me: I'm not the best with my words like I used to be. Probably why I hesitated to go back to writing stories after a long time. With that being said, I do thank anyone who's read the entirety of this and if you have any words of advice for a man like me, please share anything with me. Even if it is criticism, I'd like to hear the opinion of others in what they have to offer me. It helps me know if what I'm saying was right or not. And if not...at the very least, I got a thought out there while I can. I'll leave it at that. You all take care and pray that things are going better on your end. See you around.

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11146661/

Several months ago, I made this journal and said I was going to be fixing myself. It's about to be the end of October and...I'm not sure what I'm doing with myself anymore. I felt like I lied to myself as not much has ultimately improved since then. While I still have my job at Panda, my hours have been severely cut down to where I'm only getting one day a week. With MFF and the Holidays coming up - amidst other stuff I have to pay off - I fear this is the worst position I've ever found myself in terms of finances. I have made attempts to finding a new job, but as of now, no place has truly given me a chance. I apply to a Target a month ago, went in several times to see if anyone could suggest me to management there, they having signs that they're hiring...and still not a phone call. I legit just think...I'm not cut out for the work field if no place I've tried applying to even considers calling me back. I only have worked 2 jobs in my whole life with little to show for it. My mind is simply racing right now, but I want to keep things...concise and straightforward with you all.

To put it bluntly, I feel lost and not sure what exactly to do. My only option until either I get more hours at work or find a new job entirely is to go back to streaming on Twitch. I haven't considered it for a while because of burnout and not wanting to come off as too lackluster, not seeing myself as an entertaining individual. But who knows? Maybe this is my best course of action to invoke something in me again considering these bleak times we're all living in. I'm still trying to keep myself going, but it's been more difficult than I thought. If I had some kind of health insurance, I'd honestly get myself looked at to see what's going on with me mentally because...I think there's something I don't understand about myself that's holding me back. Or keeping me the way I am now.

I won't keep this post long, but I'm feeling more desperate over time and unsure what to do with my life. So...we'll see where things go from here. And one last thing: I hope the rest of you are faring better than me. You all have a chance to turn things around probably better than me as of now. I'm at least still in this life to support others however I can. That's at least one thing I still do right. ...Anyways, sorry, you all have a good day now.

Few minutes late, but I turned 27 yesterday! I'm old...er!

Sooooo in the near future, I wanna upgrade my PC's graphics card. Would this one here off of Amazon be good? Just honestly curious and wanting to get some opinions on the matter. I'll also be back sometime this week with another journal on other matters, so stay tuned!

https://www.amazon.com/Sapphire-113...../dp/B0DTHP39JF

Few things came up, so I'm gonna have to move the stream to Friday instead. Might be for the best considering I gotta work all day tomorrow. Sorry about that, everyone. Hope you're all enjoying your day so far.

I've been going back and forth on stuff the past couple weeks, but I felt like I wanted to say this out loud. I seriously have so many people to thank for helping me stay sane this past year. If not for them, I feel like I wouldn't be where I'm at. Though, lately, I've been stuck in my own bubble that I haven't popped quite yet. Slowly but surely, I'm coming out of it. This hasn't been an easy Summer, but I'm still not gonna let it stop me from pushing forward in life. The tricky part for me now is...what do I do with my life? I'll find that answer somehow, someway, someday.

But for now, I did wanna mention I plan to stream at 4 or 5 PM CST. Planning to beat Lets GO Eevee tonight after I just finished DK Bananza. I'll be posting lighter stuff over my BlueSky at some point, so stay tuned on that. Otherwise, if I don't see you all over at the stream, I simply wish you all a good day.

https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92

Getting myself kicked back into streaming gear here. Pokemon Presents is here and I aim to beat Pokemon Lets GO Eevee today, but we'll see if I can do it. I also aim to stream about once or twice a week going forward, so hopefully I can stick to this sorta schedule. My streams will be early in the day as night time doesn't work too much for me atm. I'm still going through some things, but that will be for a much later post. For now, lets all enjoy today and even if you don't decide to join stream, all I wish is for anyone reading this message is a good day! I simply feel like we need a bit more positivity currently, but I gotta get started with things.

https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92

I...had no idea where to begin with all this. I thought things would get easier as I pushed myself bit by bit at work, but that's only gotten me more frustrated over time to a point where I sounded a lot more dickish than need be at my job. I'm on my final warning all for being mad at a couple coworkers bothering me in some way on the job. One asking for too much out of me while working and another not being clear on what it is they're told to do. The past weekend was filled with...not doing much of anything up until I talked with a close friend recently. I've missed hanging out with them and how we'd simply have fun, but 3 years feels like you go from just being in high school to being a full time adult. That's how I see it, at least. Time blinks by a lot faster than I thought it would. But I'm probably a little off subject with how this sounds like rambling so far. Let me slow things down a little.

The past month has been filled with me thinking about what I do in my day to day life. A lot of self reflecting and seeing where I'm at now, I don't feel fully satisfied with how far I've let things slip from me. Things like not taking my streaming further than I should, getting more hours at work to have more funds for stuff, allocating those funds into equipment rather than collector's items. And there's things I know I could be doing better as a whole like what games I play with or around others, planning things out, and even making time for just me. I sit here and write this all out because I want this to be the last major update journal I make for a long while. I self depricate far too often, even making most of my journals on here either stream announcements or just me feeling dissatisfied with my life when really...I'm not making that active push for myself.

It hit me the other day that I act more like my mother than I think. I still love her, don't get me wrong, but I realized she doesn't give me the good active kick I need to go beyond where I'm at. Even doing things for me at times rather than letting me figure stuff out on my own. Not only that, but she...has had a tendency to lay around a lot more than not around the house despite having to do house work. Because of my upbringing, I was simply guided along life without a clear goal or idea what to do with it when I finally became an adult. And here I am, a guy working at a Panda Express with an Associates in Arts that has yet to make any good use of it because he burnt out on making art after so many years. Coupled that with a few unhealthy mental habits and you got a guy who's been in a slump for so long that now he's seen the bigger picture. At least, I hope I see it.

What am I getting at when I say all of this, though? Well...simply put, I'm going to be fixing myself. Steadily work on things I've been wanting to do and things I'd hope not to do, but have no choice for at this point. I'll be real, I gave up job hunting almost 4 months ago after the first several applications didn't get me a single call back, but I have to get back on the grind more than ever just to have some kind of financial security and even see if I can land some medical benefits for the long term. I said it before, but I deeply need to find out what's wrong with me. I've not been happy with myself for a long time now and I'm at a point where...I had an unpleasant thought after work one day. I'm sure you can piece the rest together without me needing to say it, but if I'm at that point where I think of shit like that? Then it's just time I start doing what needs to be done.

And to clarify on some things, speaking on my physical health, I'm okay, but I know there is much to be done to be a better person. I still wanna do smaller things like stream, but I'm gonna be taking just a bit more time before I get back into that. Despite having more free time than ever after the past couple or so months, I want to come back to where I feel like I can be happy with what I'm working on. The Switch 2 is coming, so who knows? Maybe I'll do something around launch week, but no promises that it'll be on launch day I can stream something. Streaming has still been in the back of my mind for a while, but I gotta tackle this with a different mind set. And one that won't burn me out.

Throughout my time, however, I've been having more ideas for writing. Or at least, how I should approach writing. While I haven't gotten back into the swing of things yet, one major thing I still intend to do is rework some OCs and their backstories. I clearly rushed some things throughout my life and wanna go back to each OC at a time, tweaking a few things that make them who they are nowadays. I still have so many ideas I wanna share with the world - or at the very least, with friends. And...some of these ideas are less self indulgent than what I'm normally used to. I'll be real, the self indulgent side of me is burned out a fair amount and in need of a change in pace. This is not to say I'm stopping altogether, but I need some time to come up with fresher material for the growing cast I got in my head. I treasure them to a point where I've daydreamed various scenarios pretty often. Some good, some bad, some in the grey zone. I guess I just don't wanna feel bland, ya know? But with that being said, again: Just want to redo a few things with these guys. Especially myself. That one story I said I'd write has changed a fair bit over time to where I got something different in mind now. You'll see when the day comes.

...For real, though, let me slow myself down as I've been going a mile a minute here. I seriously intend to work on myself for the next several months while improving my craft. I clearly need to spend more free time seeing what it is I can do for myself rather than indulging in every little thing and then proceeding to burn myself out with my job shortly after. I'm simply a wreck, but one that has seen now that their life can go on if I give myself that push needed to go on. Friends and family can help, but it's up to me if I wanna go far in life or not. And with where my mind was before, it didn't want to go any places except to escape reality. Well, no more escapism for me. This is where I start getting my shit together now while I have the time. I've been so down on myself that I don't drag myself out of the void I've made for myself at this point. It's not gonna be easy, I know that now, but lets see where this all takes me, yeah? I'll still be around online and the such, but probably not as frequently to really get my life together. I hope you all managed to understand me despite how...messy this whole journal came together. My mind hops from one thing to another pretty often, but I'll have to do some research into why that is. I'll sort myself out. It'll be a while, but I will. And I hope you all will be patient with me if you already have been the past couple years. I'll do about whatever it takes for me to get better.

Getting this bit out of the way first, but I'll be live on Twitch around 3 CST/1 PST today for a little while. Feel free to pop by if you'd like. Link will be below before I get into what's been on my mind.

https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92

Now onto the more important stuff. I may have been vocal about it some places - especially to friends in private - but this year so far...really hasn't been it. I know we're just a 3rd of the way through already, but about every day has been depressing to hear about stuff. Especially when it comes to hearing so much on politics these days to the point that it's bled into my favorite pass-time: Video games. And now it's been difficult to enjoy a game by myself or with others either without that topic being brought to light again or something else going wrong when I'm playing with others. And to add on, I'll be honest, I'm finding it harder to enjoy streaming as well recently. Between what's going on in the world and my own job affecting my output of...everything in general, fitting in a stream has gotten more difficult. I get a day off today after how dogshit yesterday went and now I have to work all day tomorrow. Grouping together all these struggles of work, my hobby being affected by politics, and a hard time doing streams alongside not being able to nail a job after sending out a few applications plus my mental state worsening and we have where I'm at today: Somewhat of a mess. It's all been affecting how I go about my free time and other stuff. I can still function, but not to the capacity I used to. 26 years old and it feels like time wants to pass by as if it's nothing, but that could be the anxiety talking. I've been venting about my feelings a little more often in private, but over time, I find it less and less effective like my coffee is when having it every day. Been wanting to be more positive and talkative about other stuff, but a lack of breathing space in chats has been my problem for a bit now. So...what am I left with to do? I can't seek therapy or a psychologist to see what's making me tick mentally cause I lack a healthcare plan. So again...what am I to do?

Well...that's what the title of this journal says, right? I legit just need to rethink where my life is going cause a lot of stuff hasn't been helping me lately. Hell, with how much time I've been lacking or not knowing what to do, my room has been feeling more and more cluttered amidst other stuff happening in the background. Hopefully I can come up with something sooner than later cause too much time has already passed since New Years and there's still other things I want to do. Even getting that itch to go back into world building around the cast of OCs I have, but feeling like I have to rush everything just to make some kind of personal deadline. I don't have much thought out yet, but I'm gonna take a step back and do some simpler stuff when it comes to world building over time when I'm more available. And as for streaming...we'll see. For right now, though, my current goal is to keep going with Lets GO Eevee until that game is fully finished. After that? Who knows.

I'm sorry if this is all over the place again, but there just isn't a better way of explaining things without having to go all over the place and quickly touch on one topic to the next. I hope you all can understand that I am not in a good headspace these days. And hopefully with what little extra free time I have coming up that it'll do me some good for a change. We'll see, but for now, you all take care and hope things are going well for you. And if not...well...just know there's always another day of possiblities.

Finally doing another stream after the past couple of weeks. Things have been rather busy on my end, but glad I could get up early enough in the morning to do this. Gonna be reacting to the Nintendo Switch 2 Direct followed by continuing with Pokemon Lets GO Eevee! Maybe also play some Xenoblade Chronicles X DE as well, but we shall see. Come on down to the stream and lets have some fun for a while!

Also, small note, but it's storming in my area, so I do apologize for any potential hiccups with the stream in advance!

https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92

More Lets GO Eevee! And hoping to announce some other stuff going on this weekend.

https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92

Doing more of this while talking about other stuff like pie, Switch 2 stuff, and more!

https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92

The title says it all. Hope you're all excited!

https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92

Y'all know what time it is. Time to react and play some games today! Lets see what Pokemon has in store for us!

https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92

After nearly a week(apologies on that), I'm back with more Pokemon Home stuff! Tonight, I dive back into Pokemon Shield and speculate with friends what may appear at tomorrow's Pokemon Presents. Hope you're all excited as I plan to stream tomorrow morning!

https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92

Tonight, I'm wrapping up the main story of Pokemon Shining Pearl! However, I'm gonna need some help with my Sinnoh dex. I'm a few Pokemon away from finishing it in-game, but I need a select few from Brilliant Diamond to complete the Home Dex. And the 'Mons specifically need to come from Brilliant Diamond, so nothing outside counts towards Home. If anyone helps, I'd appreciate it! And I'll be trading back Legendaries as needed. I don't aim to keep them.

https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92

Couple things worth noting about today's stream:
> There may be lag or a delay in my stream cause of snowfall in my area
> Because of that, I'll be making today's stream short as I may have to go back outside later to shovel

With that being said, hope you all enjoy today's stream!

https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92

Continuing on with Poke-Month to where I finish the Blueberry Dex(really, I am) and move on to playing BD/SP! Specifically Shining Pearl as I continue my journey in that game and see what 'Mons I can go back to get. Hope you're ready for that!

https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92

I'm live over on Twitch and continuing something I'm dubbing as "Poke-Month", where a grand majority of my streams are dedicated to playing Pokemon! I'm aiming to complete the Home dexes of S/V, BD/SP, and Legends: Arceus. However, BD/SP is gonna be harder as I haven't finished the campaign for either title and have no Pokemon registered from those games into Home. I can't promise I will make it to BD/SP before Pokemon Day, but I can try!

But if you have a moment, I do wanna apologize for not being consistent on here to communicate stuff. I've been more vocal over on my SFW BlueSky as to when streams go live since it feels faster than making a whole journal about it here. I want to figure out how I can make journals a bit more detailed for stream announcements, but I'm also figuring out streaming still as a whole while continuing to find a job. January wasn't kind to me, but I'm still alive and kicking even if I'm not earning funds thanks to Panda Express having terrible business since the Holidays and - to be personal for a bit - my boss basically seeing me as deadweight at this point and I am NOT joking about it. S O, I'm actively working myself up to do more in my day to day life as I figure out where to go in life, if that makes sense. I hope you all are willing to join me as I continue to grow as a person and make something for myself. I can't say when I'll be able to do everything I wanted to do throughout this year, but I'm going to hold myself to some changes or stuff I've been meaning to do for a while now. But that's all I really gotta say. Thanks for reading this part and I hope you all enjoy the stream I got tonight!

https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92

So things seem to be more set in stone for me this week, so here's what I got in terms of a Twitch stream schedule

Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday, all starting at 2 PM CST and ending whenever.

As to what games I'll be playing, that I'll think about as time goes. More than likely gonna be playing on my Switch to divy things up. Hope you're all looking forward to me streaming more often!

I should've gotten this out there sooner, but I've been distracted the past few days. So I've come here to tell you all now that a friend of mine informed me of a video someone uploaded to YT with stolen art in it. No credits to either me or the artist themselves. The art featured here was a vore piece I got from  donutsuu back in late 2022, but I never knew someone snatched the piece and decided to make a sound edit for YT. No permission asked whatsoever and I didn't know this existed until a couple or so days ago when a friend of mine said he found it when searching through it on his own time. While the video hasn't garnered a ton of views, I still find it aggravating that someone stole a piece I commissioned a good artist to make. And the part that pisses me off the most is that they scrubbed a part of the image out for the thumbnail in one of the shittiest ways possible. So if anyone reading this could do me this favor, report this video to get it taken down for art theft. I know YT doesn't have a specific guideline for art theft, but I'm not tolerating this.

Piece in question: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/49756621/

REPORT THIS --> https://youtube.com/watch?v=2F7grW9C52c&feature=shared

I'll be posting the rest of the pics I got from Riddle either tonight or tomorrow, but to anyone interested, I'll be streaming hopefully the finale to Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack in Time sometime tomorrow around 2 PM CST. I also got another commission I plan to post as well tomorrow that isn't a shitpost, so don't worry about my page being flooded with it. I just thought they're funny to share

You see the title. Gonna be streaming for a while to hopefully unwind after the last few days.

https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92
https://www.twitch.tv/soulfuxion92

Following yesterday's post, I'll be returning to more regular streaming. I still work at Panda until I get a new job, but my schedule is random most of the time. So starting tomorrow, I'll be streaming at 2 PM CST for around 3-5 hours. As to what I will stream, either Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack in Time or something else. I'll be doing my best to be more active around here as well given how inconsistent I can be on communicating.

Oh, and something else I wanted to touch base on. Remember Year of the Dragon? I know we're in the Year of the Snake, but to be real for a sec, snakes aren't up there for me to get a form of my Pokesona drawn as one. But I haven't abandoned the thought of a Dragon type form altogether. I got a FUN idea in store for how it'll all look...and actually get some proper art of other stuff. Just takes time, is all!

Don't be alarmed by this. I had a lot more to say to the point where I find this is the easiest way for me to get it around to others. I'll have more to touch on later, but I'd appreciate if anyone seeing this gives it a read. Hope everyone has a Happy New Year!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....it?usp=sharing