About last night.

I had been feeling for the past couple of days incredibly down, due to feeling like a failure.

I'm 24, have no job, am too stupid to go to college, and in general just feel like a massive failure of a human being.

So that all lead up to me having an existential crisis, especially after trying to sleep it off and being met with dreams where I needed to scream yet was unable to due to just simply not having any air in my lungs. I couldn't stand being awake, yet sleep was no respite.

I'm doing better as of now, but this isn't the only time this sort of thing has happened to me. I'm majorly depressed, and this will likely keep happening to me until something in my life happens.

I don't know entirely what to do. All I know is I have to keep living.

You're right to dislike me.

Today is my birthday.

Don't have much to say on the matter.

Just kinda want to get through the day without thinking much about it.

In one week from today, it will be the 22nd of October, 2025.

This date has significance to me, in that it'll be my 24th birthday.

I have a lot to think about in the time running up to it.

But it'll still be a day that comes and goes like any other.

So, I have been having some thoughts. Well, that's an understatement, I have lots of them all the time. However, the important one right now pertains to my artwork.

I make artwork. The question is, honestly, should I continue to?

I'm often upset by my artwork in many ways. Whether it be not liking how it looks during the process of making it, how it looks compared to the artwork of others, or how little traction it gets.

Me and being upset don't go together well. I am autistic, and highly emotional. I feel high highs and low lows. Extremes. When I get upset about my artwork, it can cause me immense mental strain. I have a couple people I could speak to it about, but one has expressly told me not to discuss depressing topics and gives me advice that while I'm sure is perfectly relevant and helpful, is not such to me when I'm in such states. The other I honestly don't say much with, other than that they like seeing my art.

I'm a bit tired of the cycle. I've been told to take a break when I asked a friend about this subject, that taking breaks are perfectly fine, but every time I do, I seem to regress in quality. I also owe people artwork. Promised pieces that need to get done eventually, that I've put off for too long.

So... where does that leave me? I can either continue to torture myself by keeping on, or legitimately think about just throwing in the towel.

I feel like this message won't reach anyone, as much as I want it to. I've always been a background element.

Simple as. I can't get into much discussion. The few people who do see these don't appreciate me being a downer, so I try and tone it down as much as possible where I know they're looking.
I can sum it up in two words though.

It's bad.

I was planning on doing festive pieces for october and halloween. Not anymore. I can't. Sorry.

Hiatus over. Still not fully in the swing of doing art yet, but I'm at least capable I suppose. IDK.

I haven't done art for a bit, solely because I have felt that I can't do it in the mental state I've been in for the last few weeks. However, today I tried to do some simple coloring on a piece I already had linework for completed. I barely got 15 minutes into it and I was already having a headache, chest pains, and feeling awful about myself.

So, to avoid this, I'm just going to say no to art for a while. I simply cannot work on something which brings me mental distress. It should be something that brings me joy and relief, but I've frankly always been very critical of my art, especially given that I've been at it for nearly 5 years now and it still looks awful.

I failed the hiatus I set out to do.

I dipped far below where I should have been, and realized that cutting myself off from all social aspects was a dumbass thing to do.

That doesn't mean any art will come out soon, though. I've still felt unmotivated and highly depressed, and haven't touched the art program with proper gusto in weeks.

But, I'm back. As a failure, coward, and general piece of shit.

I'm going to take a break from being on here and general social medias for a while, most likely until early november.

I'm doing horribly in my mental health. I can barely look at my "art" and see anything good in it. It seems like that sentiment is shared through those who come across it, too.

Truth be told, with the way everything everywhere is going, it just makes me want to give up. On art, on friendships, on life.

Do not contact me, I will not see it. If somehow I do, I will not respond.

My mother is home as of saturday afternoon. She's still in an incredibly weakened state and is unable to lift more than 5 pounds and gets periodic sharp pains, along with getting tired easily and generally wanting and needing to rest the majority of the time.

As for me, well, the state of the world, various other affairs, and I guess my lack of mental fortitude has left me continuing to be in a state of mental distress. As of writing this, I've just woken up from a bad dream which has left me shaken and feeling unfit for even talking with my friends.

Art will eventually come out. I don't know how long it'll be, but I have owed art I need to get to. I hate breaking promises.

I'm sorry I'm such a mess.

Those who follow me may have seen the (now deleted) journal that consisted of only capital letter A's. The reason for that was due to a mental breakdown as a result of many, many bad things happening one after another.

Firstly and most majorly. My mother is in the hospital, due to having to have her gallbladder removed. She has had to have three total surgeries before finally being completed, and as of writing this, will most likely be in the hospital for another week at minimum.

She has done most of the things around the house, such as caring for our two dogs and two kittens, mainly through feeding them. With her gone, I need to take up that mantle, which I have been able to do, though it's tricky since our oldest dog, Chica, who is a 14 year old functionally blind and dementia-ridden chihuahua has special food which can be difficult to discern from our younger dog's.

She also handled my medication, as being someone with previous and recurring SI, I shouldn't be trusted with the entire bottles of the medication as ODing is a genuine threat. So, I was off my medication for a couple days before my dad was instructed on where and what medication to give me. Being off my meds did not help, as every little thing upset me greatly, from the already great stress of my mom being hospitalized.

Something else bad happened, not directly to me but in the same purview of family matters happened, however I can't go over details as they're very personal. Then adding the typical stresses of dealing with the pets, such as Chica's go-wherever-she-is habit, it all compounded in a very stressful environment.

One final stressor was that I was dutifully making a piece for a good friend of mine for 8/8, Vore day. I was clise to finishing the linework when this happened. Naturally I panicked and believed there would be no way for me to get it done in time, as me being stressed is not a good environment for me to work on artwork. However, as of yesterday, it's nearly complete, needing only shading and possibly a simple background. It'll be done in time.

All that being said, I'll get through this. It's been hard on me mentally, but well, I'm still here. Everything will be okay.

I thought I could get better, but these last few days have been a testament against it.

From finding someone who was being friendly and kind to be annoying, to by association distancing myself and then removing a friend who seemed (?) to care for me, it feels like a retread of the awful, terrible thing I am.

Like I'm destined to make these same mistakes over, gentically, psychologically, socially, who knows what's wrong with me.

Could I go back and try and fix the damage I caused? Of course. But why bother. It'll just happen again.

I'm sick of hurting people. I can't hurt if I'm not around anymore. Well, I will, one final time, but that'll be it.

The title says it all here.

I don't believe myself to be a good person.

I have these mood swings that cause me to do things which I otherwise wouldn't, and one such is unfriending people simply because I all of a sudden tire of them being friendly towards me. Yeah, they slighted me by being friendly. Is that not the mark of someone horrible?

My hatred for myself is strong enough to transcend into being dislike of others. It's been horrible in the past with me full on hating people who were supposed to be my friends, but now it judt leads to me wondering why they'd even want to be friends with me in the first place.

I mean, what do I even do for them. Nothing. I'm nobody special in any regard.

I'm considering just removing myself from reality more often these days as a result of it, and I'm not really feeling many reasons to not go through with it.

These past couple days, I have not slept well.

I have had disturbing, vivid, lucid dreams, and I have woken up sore, scared, and physically and mentally exhausted.

Naps do the same.

I feel myself shaking during them, as I do not believe I am fully unconscious.

I don't know why this has started.

I'm scared.

So, I need to come clean to the couple of people this may affect; I was working on artwork in the background during my supposed 'hiatus' I've had for about 3 or so weeks. Finished a piece for a friend, and was working on a piece for myself.

I calmed since the thing in my life which I still won't mention happened, and although it's ongoing in the terms that nothing has become of it, I'm not letting it affect my artwork endeavors, as is obvious by the fact I picked it up in secret despite not lifting my embargo on it publicly.

Something new has made me have an immense feeling of dissatisfaction towards artwork; I won't get into many details here either, but it stems from me feeling that my art doesn't look as good as it should, for the fact I've been doing it as long as I have.

Make no mistake, I value my art. I've made pieces I adore and look fondly back on, but objectively, when put side-by-side with other's works, it makes me feel awful knowing it'll likely never be where theirs is. My stuff is simple in comparison. My shading lacking and simple - if there's any at all.

I don't have a very good drawing tablet, it's a basic, no-screen one which can't discern brush orientation, making using more complex brushes impossible. Getting a nice one would require more money, which I don't have right now, and I'm not even sure I have the space for, as my desk is small and cramped.

I don't know what all to do. I want to draw to make myself happy, but it's not really happening.

I'll probably contradict myself on all this at some point soon, which I guess is a good thing, but I do that all the time. I'm sick of flip-flopping between being immensely sad out of seemingly nowhere just to be fine later, after having said things that're hard to just take back.

If you have any insight (that's more than just 'don't compare yourself') I'd be more than willing to listen and reply.

Something in my interpersonal life has gravely upset me. I will be taking a hiatus on all artwork.

I will still check the site. If you need to contact me, use my notes or send a friend request using the discord information provided.

Happy pride month. I'm coming out as aromantic. However, unlike what some aromantics out there may be aro for, mine actually is based in something a bit more grounded in my existence.

Let me put it simply.

I'm not worth being someone's other half.

They'd be left with a weight. I wouldn't provide what I'd need to to keep it up. I'd be a hindrance.

So yeah. Not that anyone wanted to be in love with me in the first place, so I'm just shutting the doors before I end up hurting someone by dating them.

I can't put ace on there either because even though me having real, legitimate sex with someone is something that (well not only would never happen) I find to be horrifying as a concept, but I still jerk off. I find things sexually attractive. I can't have sex from the social aspect. So I'm not a real ace.

I'm feeling like... I'll never get to where I want to be, or where others are. That my art, despite it being at the skill level it is, will just stagnate in the low views and interactions forever. That I'm a background element, someone who you don't think about unless you go out of your way to. That I'm doomed to forever be just drifting aloft in the sea of creatives, never finding my audience that may not have ever existed to begin with.

A feeling like... like I shouldn't try so hard. Or stop trying altogether. What good is exhausting myself on a piece of art that barely scrapes by with a couple interactions from dedicated followers? Of which I have about 3 on here, and oh man, don't even get me started on bluesky. Plus, I've even tried uploading my stuff to e621, and it seems like people generally don't like me there. It's not a problem with my art style. I've seen worse get better likes and favorites. There's a dedicated ignorance towards me.

Like a cosmic karma for the person I've been, in mistakes I've made or otherwise, and my path is not one I have the chance to redeem myself in. I won't get what I want, because I already hurt others. Shouldn't've been a depressed maniac. Shouldn't have lashed out at my friends and drove them away. Shouldn't have been born.

So, it's been a while since I've had a proper list detailing what I'm going to be drawing, so I'll make a simple list, in roughly the order I'll be working on them.

-Mayternity piece for someone I'm nearly finished with and hope to finish today
-Scarlett drunkenly flirting at a bar with someone
-Munch belly drum piece I've been working on for a while and took a back seat on
-Serperior preg/vore piece that I also put on the backburner
-Art of Se7en and V for myself
-Something involving inflation as I haven't done it yet

I think that's everything. Sorry for the general lack of updates for those who like them. I am trying my best to work on art, but difficulties with my mental health have set me back a little bit here and there.

I wish there was a way to disable the ability to view specific user's comments.

Sometimes you'd rather not be reminded of someone, but they're in the comments somewhere of someone else's thing, and it just sorta... ehh.

Blocking doesn't do that. Just stops them from commenting on your work, replying to you, and noting you. However, this person doesn't even know I exist, fortunately.

It's rude, yes, but truly, given the option, I'd just love to not be reminded about that just for following artists.

I had the worst dip in my mental faculties in a long while these past few days. I don't know what started it, and I don't know what ended it.

I keep getting told by people that I'm not my past mistakes, but when I keep making them, it's hard to believe them.

I thought I was getting better.

Look at you, you stupid piece of shit. What have you accomplished today for yourself or others. What good did you breathing do for the planet? Nothing. You stupid piece of shit. Even if I do know I'm a stupid piece of shit, that doesn't make me any better than the stupid pieces of shit that don't know they're stupid pieces of shit. Stupid piece of shit.



(If you at all think this is targeted towards you in particular by reading this, you're wrong. If your belief is so strong it even overcomes me directly saying so, I can't help you, I tried.)