my monitor died and I found a used one on craigs list for 50$
if any one can help me I will do some really really cool stuff for them if they can help at all.
I am currently borrowing a monitor for a week and need a new one. so I don't have long.

monitor decided to die, I know whats wrong with it but its annoying me to hell.
figures it would break today since I watched twilight on it last night. guess my monitor didn't find it as funny as I did. it died. or it died from laughter one or the other.

but any way gonna take a little while to get it fixed.
about maybe a week.
so idk if any one has an extra flat screen that I know it would be really really helpful to get it.

wash clothing
make a list of things to pack
finish a few drawings
program my phone to go for for events
finish the one leg on my fur suit
try to finish 2 dolls
get my money
get the ticket.

and some other things I forgot
if you are going and want to meet me please note me.

makes you wanna go to the basement
or attic and find the box of old toys and play with them again.

toys are toys but it feels so bad, for them to be left down there.

and you can't keep them forever.

this journal is unorganized rants in organized sections so if you don't want to read it all skip to the section you want to read about.
part 1 ac
part 2 my august trip/ relationship
part 3 lasin
part 4 change for the better
part 5 change for the worse
part 6 this is all for the better

part 1 ac:
so I realized ac is soon and I am getting everything together for it. bought more glow bracelets, I think I have 128 and I think I have 72 glow sticks. these need to last for ac and for condition 0. so I'm not really gonna be giving any out. I will have things I am giving out. any they kinda glow. more or less getting rid of some old stuff, that I don't think any one will claim any more. I will have my partial done for ac, and it will kinda be in theme, since I don't have a full I can't do the cloth cave man look so I am doing something else. hope you can find me. I have lots of people to meet and have lunch or dinner with, and if you would like to be part of that slightly growing and shrinking list, please message me. I have 2 badges to pick up for ac, and I keep forgetting. also the list of events I want to go to. I will be setting phone alarms for these.
I mite go to some Thursday meet and greets.
developeing a character
coloured pencil demo
making digital art for cheap
the basics of magic
baloon animals
african animal round table
women in the fandom
friendly feline furry fiasco
furrys of wow
first time fursuiters
power of pretend
fur suit meet and greet
fur suit games recess
fursuit parade lineup
fur suit parade
fursuit games team challenge
live action roleplaying chess
who's lion is it anyway
uncle kage's story hour
ddr tournament

part 2 my august trip/ relationship
so I decided not to go and stay for school also the fact a girl he dated 2 year ago that used him a lot, he is still in love with her despite not talking to her for the last year. and can't get her out of his mine so he broke it off. annoys me greatly to no end second guy I lost to this kinda situation. nice guys aren't the only ones that finish last. this has also happened in my only gay relationship I ever had, only it was to an abusive guy. life's just full of little wonders here and there. so I decided it would be better for him to save his money and not have me go down there cause I don't think him meeting me will change anything at all. and I kinda have my own problems.

part 3 lasin
lasin is yes asche's son, but also a little voice in my head. idky but when I draw him its more or less that little extra voice or emotion doing it. and every since I became single its been confused and depressed, and now when ever I manage to get happy and move on, I get a dream with my ex in it, and everything is played really well. then the day after all I hear is his little voice going 'you messed up, you ruined it, why did you have to be so selfish and stupid, whats wrong with you" making me feel guilty which is working I will give the little bugger that. he's managed to make me fear being happy, or getting in relationships, he doesn't want me to forget and its tormenting to no end.

part 4 change for the better
so over the last three months I have managed to do a lot which some is good some is bad.
managed to stop drinking
learn what to say and what not to say
when to keep things or though to my self
not to correct everyone let them do what they do
got kinda needing smokes be it cigs or hookah
managed to get my self mentally over things.
not be attached to people at all
I've become a lot better at dealing with things that ruined my last group of friends. and relationship seeing if that will shut lasin up, it kinda has but its more of a 'why could I have learned this earlier'

part 5 change for the worse
I would hate so much for any of my past friends or ex to see who I am now. and all the shit I have done or gotten my self into really. not gonna list it hear but basically its the feeling of being in the dirt while being looked down on, broken and beaten and dirty while they are still clean. I've done a lot of things good and worse, trying to literally find my self or get some kinda idk feeling of love, that I am too stupid to figure out the right way to get it. now I just get high a lot, became something I hate, and do a lot of the things I look down on others for. I need some one to step in and pick me up. which is kinda how my last relationship started.

part 6 this is all for the better
I keep telling my self that things now are for the better, despite being loved I would have been living a bad life if I had stayed in that relationship being the one doing almost everything. and basically being a work horse in my later years taking care of some one else. I though knowing I was loved would make that okay but now that I look at it. it would have not. I was gonna end things when I graduated hs, if he hadn't made some attempt to do something with his life. but hey that time came and I couldn't do it. we had been thru a lot of things together and I though hey things would be okay. I'm looking forward to a better life but I can't get my heart to leave that place.

I'm more over things then I used to be and doing a lot better now moving on, and dealing with things.


to any one that actually read this congrats I now seem like a winy little bitch. if you think that I could care less. this is my ranting and needed to get these small things in my mind out on paper. or text what ever. I'm fine my self I just have a lot of inner problems and would love to just fine some one to help take care of me so I can relax again.

so I my mom told me next week to get my wisdom teeth out

next week apparently means this week

dad pounded on my door for idk what reason, and got pissed at me( he knocks then runs down stairs not telling you why he wants you there or not.) so he got mad cause this went on three times.

got to the place I'm pissed and a bit distressed so that made it so the pain killer didn't work at all.

and found out I am allergic to another local, so my entire face is inflamed and, apparently I don't get a car any more. the fact I can't act like an adult means I don't get adult things at all like a car so my dad took off with it.

now I feel dizzy and my heart rate is very elevated.

1. () Have you ever howled at the moon?
2. () Have you ever barked at someone?
3. (x) Have you ever found yourself drawing or scribbling furry art when you're supposed to be doing something else?
4. (x) Have you ever worn an animal costume or tail as a child and pretended to be an animal? (cat in the hat count?)
5. () Have you ever eaten out of a dog bowl?
6. (x) Have you been to at least one furry con?
7. () Do you like to look at furry porn all the time?
8. () Do you RP or play second life as a furry character?
9. (x) Do you own a fursuit or at least a tail? (irconically... My pillow I call my tail)
10. (x) Do you know what all these words mean or have used them at least once?
11. ( ) Do you have at least 5 videos of you acting or doing something furry on youtube?
12. (x) Has your anthropersona/character been drawn in a furry porn type manner?
13. () Are you well known in the furry fandom?
14. (x) Do you dream furry while you sleep?
15. (x) Would you transform into your character/fursona if you were given the chance to live like that for the rest of your life?
16. (x) Have you ever worn a collar? (I live with 3 on my ankle for the last 4 years)
17. ( ) Do you own more than 20 art badges of your fursonas or characters?
18. ( ) Have you been to more than 20 furry cons in your lifetime?
19. () Do you think that deep down you have the spirit of an animal within you?
20. (x) Do you enjoy hanging out with other furries?
21. () Do you think we should have a furry run for president of the USA?
22. () If you ever became rich would you own a room in your house that was just to display your fursuits or furry art?
23. (x) Is your best friend furry?
24. (x) Does your furry friends call you by your furry name in public?
25. () Have you been in the furry fandom for at least 5 years?

1 to 5 = Furry wannabe.
6 to 10 = Furry newbie.
11 to 15 = Furry.
16 to 20 = Hardened Furry.
21 to 25 = Hardcore Furry.

21: Hardcore!!!

1 – Do you and your "fursona" look alike?

we do kinda I try to keep the hair simular as much as I can same eye colour same ckothing she's skinnyer then me sadly but I don't dress her in anything I don't own or do anything with her I wouldn't do my self. even tho I know some people that will say differently to that. which is another reason why I don't normally draw porn also you can tell when I get a hair cut due to the fact my fursona's hair will change shape and style.

2 – Do you and your "fursona" share attires?

yes very as stated above she's never dressed in anything I wouldn't dress my self in

3 – Do you share the same sexuality as your fursona?

yes why wouldn't we

4 – If you hadn’t already made your fursona look like you, if you would to change how he/she looked like to make him/her look more like you, how would you think he/she would look like?

make her a little heavyer to reflect me and I would like to change her animal to a huskey but I think I am a serval I also think I'm crazy and wish I had a dick but hey we don't always get what we want.

5 – Did you work hard to develop your fursona? What is the (brief) history of your fursona?

not really spent some time googleing animals, saw a serval though it looked funny as hell so ya made my fursona to match it was originally a kyawl but ya decided to make it something real for once.

6 – Do you and your fursona share relationship status?

yes I do thats why I have lasin, he's her child despite not existing in real life. which is why now she is playing single parent role. I do own a bunny not by the same name but I do in a way consider it a child and have to spend the time looking after it. when I do have kids I plan to name one lasin, in respect and david due to a request by some one I don't talk to any more but hey promises are promises and as I have said I don't break promises no matter what happens.

7 – Do you find yourself jealous or upset if you get paired with someone you don’t like or your partner does?

uh people know me too well to do something like that and my current partner isn't really a willingly a furry at all. he just kinda has a lot of fur friends.

8 – How would you like your character not to be used?

sexualy in any way.

9 – What’s your fursona’s specialty?

idk she's me so uh being a smart ass I guess, and loveing.

10 – At a score of 1-10 how much are you and your fursona alike?

9 were the same mostly except she has a child and is skinnyer then me.

so big update, I have a mate again to some one's convenience, a good friend I have known for three years (and wanted in my pants for those three years lol jk) finally got their opportunity. some times playing the nice guy you eventually get the girl if you put up with enough shit. which leads to why I need a baby sitter.

my little baby, bunny cecil needs a watcher, despite my parents making me take care of their cat they won't in return care for my bunny for 3 weeks while I am away in Pennsylvania visiting. and applying to local college and getting their program books.

if things go well on said visit when I get my per-requirements for rad program for college out of the way I will most likely be moving down there, yes sad times. I will be back tho to visit, and great orgies will then be had. jk about the last statement.

sorry to any one this hurts at all, its hard to explain. no matter what I will most likely always be broken hearted, and part of it will belong to some one else. but kelt has the same problem and due to knowing each other for so long we just have a good connection, get along well and make an easy connection we know of each others pasts and it just makes things easier.

about the bunny: he's shy likes to be left alone, basically ignore the little fucker just remember to give him food once a week, water and change his litter once a week, food will be given along with as much paper shreds that can be given. he's quite and keeps to him self due to strong depression he has due to traumatic events if you feel the need or want to let him out to run around he's good about not chewing, if you say his name he will stop chewing. he has a small travel cage atm, unless it gets sold. if so he has a large dog crate he calls home.

but I have no motivation or commissions
some one please give me something.

been gone all weekend, doing what not, bbq's and swimming in lakes staying at friends houses and what not.

I have for the last 2 days need some time to my self to think. I though I was better but then some one asked me the question I wish I had an answer to and I went back into a shit hole.

not sure if two people I trust are really my friends at all and maybe that I should just stop talking to them entirely.

wish I could find a normal person, that kinda needs some one I found out the kinda people I like and its so I can feel needed sadly.

thinking hard thinking long. mite go back to a psychologist or actually start taking what I should be taking atm so these kinda things don't bother me at all.

• Where are you staying?
I have no fucking idea where I am going I'm just following my friend since the other one that was handling the room kinda bailed.

• What day are you getting there?
think thursday night.

• Who will you be with?
most likely draken or some other mi furs, and some people I plan to meet from online. the one I was looking forward to is not going.

• Do you do free art?
kinda I don't want to but if it helps me get kinda noticed so I can get some god damn money all the better.

• Do you do trades?
ya some times depends on what it is.

• Do you do commissions?
yes and I am trying to get prisma makers to make my art look even better. its so shitty it needs something to make it look good.

• Do you do badges?
yes I have my own style of badges that differs from my normal art and kinda doesn't match it at all. but its cute so don't worry.

• Will you have prints/CDs?
eh no not till I have any thing worth doing or have a booth.
will do custom prints.

• Will you have art in the art show?
nope not cool enough

• What is your gender?
women

• How old are you?
20

• Can I talk to you?
yes you may as long as your not trying to get me into your room for personal time. if you just wanna talk or hang out or something I'm all for it I love talking and meeting random people all the times.

• Can I touch you?
hugs are okay I'm picky on who I sleep with and who I touch a lot of the time. just ask before hand.

• Can I hang out with you?
depends who I am running with atm.

• How can I find you?
playing where's asche

so I have a 50% off coupon or any one item in the store, decided the 99$ prisma markers 24 set mite be something good to go for.
I have 27.07 so far, and was wondering if any one could help me get to that goal by buying a commission of something recently I have been working on changing my style and its turned out really good I don't have any images ready for load hear due to no colour, but I can send line art for proof.
things will be drawn but not sent out till I get the marks so all the line art and marker prep will be done.

so any one wanting 5$ badges
5$ sketches
10$ b&w sketch
15$ colour sketch
25$ dolls
25$ scarfs it would be nice or a donation is fine too.

my pay pal is yukiabisu[at]gmail.com
just when you pay send me a note of what you want and a ref or 2 and I will get right on it.

thanks a lot.

so I've been having problems with my arm quite bad problems since I was about 14 so for about 6 years now. I've gotten some treatments that well worked but only for a short while.

now they think since its traveled down my arm maybe its a pinched nerve with cuff problems and muscle problems (yes lets just add more shit to the list doc)

so they are gonna put a bunch of needles and run some electricity through my arm to see what is going on to try to rule that out.

since things have went to hell in the last 6 months. due to pain now being all the way thru my arm bad pain fits, and loosing abilities, like being able to grip a door knob tight enough to turn it and other things just a lot of loss quickly in my arm again.

I was also bad at taking care of it or seeking medical attention due to trying to get psye's legs fixed was more
important to me then my own arm. now after things changed I realized caring about my self is not selfish and putting lovers or loved ones second to my own problems is actually more of the correct thing to do.

also despite all the possibly problems with getting a cuff replaced they are strongly considering it now. I'm very terrified of doing this alone or at all. but thank god after a really nice high session I got my life back on track (ya really weird normally getting high fucks things up not fixes them) so I know I can do this and its for the better, I would like to have my socket replaced asap since getting older is gonna make it harder and worse to do.

really wish I had some one to hold my hand.... kinda sucks I used to hold some one else's hand when these kinda things happened to them and now I gotta go it alone.

I'M FUCKING OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

some one get me more please.

also stuff mite go on hold till I get markers in like a week or 2.

I got to meet him today at comic con

he's a bit of a dick.

okay I am making dolls doing badges and everything else to help pay for anthrocon.

badges are laminated but I have no place to buy clips at all sadly.
badges are 10 and I will deliver at ac, or mail them no extra charge.

dolls are the same 25 with shipping. or pick up at ac.

please please people buy these I really need it.

also selling scarfs still and again, rainbows mainly. and other customs.

I will not sell the pink and green one thats got some emotional attachment.

well I got a good chance to lay back and think, I had a good private hookah session one time by my self and when I do that by my self well the ideas just soar, I get really relaxed and spaced out and just helps.

and everything rolled thru my head and it all came together sad that it had to take two months to realize, and I figured out what went wrong what I did to mess it up and that I was actually being selfish for a different reason then accused.

I'm not getting depressed as much from dreams or thoughts or anything, I'm still in love and still miss him, but the answer I wanted I think I was able to get. the dreams are nice little reminders and so are the memories.

I hope to really get back into playing itg, again even tho if I see ex friends I do freak out but I think I have the pattern down of when people go there and I have another mall to go to as well.

also realizing the kinds of people I was friends with at the time seemed good but now looking at it from the out side, I don't see that really any more.

a bit depressed that I made friends with them, because thats when the down fall of my relationship happened and was part of the reason for it ending. but either way I lost a good thing, and hopefully some day I will find another person that is hopefully as kind or as good. I just know I won't find that in the fandom most likely.

portal is now free bitches
http://store.steampowered.com/freeportal/
ya show all of us who payed for it we waisted our money

what went wrong and what you did wrong.
a little too late
and having it smack you in the face
its really hard to take.
I wish so much that I could just right my wrongs, so badly right now.
but that will never happen.
I'm so stupid.
and so sorry.
I lost a great person and didn't even realize it.

when you realize what you had, and despite all the stupid bad things, that they didn't matter. and well all you can do is think about how one stupid thing messed up the best thing ever.

and that you can't have a second chance.
but a cheater can.

makes me think of the nice guy always gets dumped for the abusive guy thing.

well I finished my computer and its in my room wirelessly and its getting a decent signal in here so not too bad with this cheap wireless card.

AMD Phenom II X4 925 Deneb 2.8GHz Socket AM3 95W Quad-Core Processor
ASUS M4A78T-E AM3 AMD 790GX HDMI ATX AMD
2gb DDR3
9800gtx+ limited edition overclock special (never gonna but it was a deal)
700watt psu
GIGABYTE wireless adapter

thats the specs.

and as most of you know I have been looking for a new vent, and all that. well I looked for an old friend that after some shit with the mangs let me and psye join his group before ep was made. well I found him again, and well just so have it he started his server up today the day I finished my computer. so I have a group again, of what I wanted, and people know no getting used to everything again. and the thing is everyone is starting new. so I am pretty happy now. and this computer no longer makes me depressed.

I was glad I though to seek him out. life will be good now.

watch out windows company just got smart and can tell if you are running the correct version now.
set updates to ask before install
and do not install security updates at all.

its my birthday and its idk what it is actually.
well I'm 20 now no longer a teen finally, one more year till I can drink and I don't think I will, due to personal reasons. its just too much effort.

so far I got a refurbished gps, its half mine, my mom won't share her's at all, so well my dad got one, I keep it 90% of the time in my car and when he needs it for a random trip I give it to him, but most of the time I get to keep it. he wants me to have it due to all the fur trips and meets he though it would be helpful.

I also got the rest of my comp parts, something I didn't know if well I really wanted or not, I haven't played any of my games in ages. I'm putting a wireless card in it so it will move, and it will be on a rolling cart in my room. also this computer is a giant troll its in an old compaq case cause it fits everything, so I keep using it. so lans and people visiting think its a pos when its actually a good comp. I have everything for it now I would like a new hd and cd drive but those can't wait. I have two already its just the one drive is a little small. but it will work. hopefully I find a new group to play games with since I can't go back to my old one, or mangs too well. or I can make my own. idk really what I should do. I don't even really want to play any more I got all my games so I could play them with psye, so I got an account of a waste of games.

I bought my self a hookah, and used phone, from some lady who is an idiot imo. sold me a brand new 400$ phone for 80$ she only used it for 2 weeks.

I also cleaned my room a lot cause idk when the basement room is gonna be done so I made it into a kinda lounge room my dad gave me an old reclining chair from when they were first married its kinda ripped but its in my room and nice for sitting next to the window when smoking.

going to apple bee's for dinner tonight.

will become cubed soon