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Insomnia....Why Must you Plague me So...
Posted 15 years agoInsomnia n.: Chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time.
So after the last few weeks, I have been through many emotional roller coasters. As such, being unable to sleep...I need to vent, to get my thoughts out on paper(sort of). Please forgive this Journal or ignore it if you think you don't wanna 'hear' it. Anyway, here it goes...
First, I was supposed to be going to Canada to be up there for 6 months with the meh sweet Dalan kitty. This failed when the Canadian border IDIOTS turned me away, telling me I did not have enough ties to the US because I did not have about $1000 at my disposal and a owned or rented home of my own at the very least...but mostly just the money was the issue. Because of this, I spent 17 hours about 5 mins from the Canadian border, sitting in a truck stop as I waited for the return bus that was to take me back on my way to Michigan, with no money to my name really at that point.
Finally the bus came and got me and I spent another day and a half on another bus till I got back to Michigan and was stuck back at my in-laws place since I didn't have anywhere else to go. It is when I got back to said place and sat down to think, that it really sunk in that it would be quite likely, another few months before I see Dalan. This is very much sucky and constantly stabs at me since that was the one thing I was looking forward to above all else recently....seeing meh sweet kitty....
Anyway...moving on.
Thankfully a good friend of mine, Aaron, is going to be picking me up this Saturday and moving me down to PA with him. I will have my own room and even a bed from the sound of it. I should be able to rest and recoup there from being so sick lately. It will be a bit of a new start, and that in itself has me on edge...not because of Aaron, but because it is a big move. Packing everything up though, at least the stuff I hadn't packed to go up to Dalan's, I became acutely aware of how little I actually had.
Now while this is a good thing, meaning an easier move...I found it also kind of depressed me. It brought back to my mind how much I have moved around in my life and why I barely had anything. This house I am in was the longest I was settled in one place and even so, I didn't buy anything for myself, I kept packed up for the most part. Why is it that I have never collected much....I am 25 years old and looking through all I have with me....I have NOTHING to show for it.....
How absolutely Pathetic is that...?
~sighs~
On top of all of this, for the last 3 days, at least, I have only had about 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I do not know why I can't sleep....but I just can't. I have found myself awake into the weee hours of the morning, pacing, trying to sleep, typing stories, playing online, pacing some more, soul searching, and still I can't sleep. I have even tried all those tricks, including sleeping meds, and nothing seems to work. I am still stuck awake till all hours and then I sleep a few hours, have a nightmare or two and the process starts all over again.
This is becoming very, very tiring and I don't know what to do about it. My nerves are frayed and I honestly feel like I am about to have a bit of a break down, hence my need to throw this Journal out, even if I end up deleting it at some point.
So after the last few weeks, I have been through many emotional roller coasters. As such, being unable to sleep...I need to vent, to get my thoughts out on paper(sort of). Please forgive this Journal or ignore it if you think you don't wanna 'hear' it. Anyway, here it goes...
First, I was supposed to be going to Canada to be up there for 6 months with the meh sweet Dalan kitty. This failed when the Canadian border IDIOTS turned me away, telling me I did not have enough ties to the US because I did not have about $1000 at my disposal and a owned or rented home of my own at the very least...but mostly just the money was the issue. Because of this, I spent 17 hours about 5 mins from the Canadian border, sitting in a truck stop as I waited for the return bus that was to take me back on my way to Michigan, with no money to my name really at that point.
Finally the bus came and got me and I spent another day and a half on another bus till I got back to Michigan and was stuck back at my in-laws place since I didn't have anywhere else to go. It is when I got back to said place and sat down to think, that it really sunk in that it would be quite likely, another few months before I see Dalan. This is very much sucky and constantly stabs at me since that was the one thing I was looking forward to above all else recently....seeing meh sweet kitty....
Anyway...moving on.
Thankfully a good friend of mine, Aaron, is going to be picking me up this Saturday and moving me down to PA with him. I will have my own room and even a bed from the sound of it. I should be able to rest and recoup there from being so sick lately. It will be a bit of a new start, and that in itself has me on edge...not because of Aaron, but because it is a big move. Packing everything up though, at least the stuff I hadn't packed to go up to Dalan's, I became acutely aware of how little I actually had.
Now while this is a good thing, meaning an easier move...I found it also kind of depressed me. It brought back to my mind how much I have moved around in my life and why I barely had anything. This house I am in was the longest I was settled in one place and even so, I didn't buy anything for myself, I kept packed up for the most part. Why is it that I have never collected much....I am 25 years old and looking through all I have with me....I have NOTHING to show for it.....
How absolutely Pathetic is that...?
~sighs~
On top of all of this, for the last 3 days, at least, I have only had about 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I do not know why I can't sleep....but I just can't. I have found myself awake into the weee hours of the morning, pacing, trying to sleep, typing stories, playing online, pacing some more, soul searching, and still I can't sleep. I have even tried all those tricks, including sleeping meds, and nothing seems to work. I am still stuck awake till all hours and then I sleep a few hours, have a nightmare or two and the process starts all over again.
This is becoming very, very tiring and I don't know what to do about it. My nerves are frayed and I honestly feel like I am about to have a bit of a break down, hence my need to throw this Journal out, even if I end up deleting it at some point.
But anyway, to any who actually read this... ~Waves~ Hello there and hope you are all well at 6am EST. Bugger Off
Posted 15 years agoI almost never post anything on here, let alone a journal but some issues of late need to be addressed and this is my best way to do so. I am sorry if this is a bit harsh, but it is needed because frankly, I am really tired of some things that have been happening of late. So here it goes...
To whom it may concern,
I have much going on in my real life right now and as such, I end up staying in my room most of the time, shut off from the outside world aside from online. Sure part of this is by choice, but mostly out of necessity and a good many of you also know why this is. I spend a great deal of time online, watching and waiting on things to happen or people to show up to hang out with. Mostly I just write though and idle online.
Now look, I know most of you who will be reading this work and have busy lives and the like. Do not mistake what I am about to say as me whining about no one paying attention to me or anything of the like. Mostly this is only directed at a few of you and honestly , to the few this letter is pointed at.. you should know who you are after it posts.
To that end...
What does a friend do when they see that a good friend of theirs is in distress? A proper friend would ask how they were and how they could help right?
Well yeah.. I am done acting like a proper/good friend to a great many of you. I am quite tired of saying hello and either getting blatantly ignored, or told to bugger off at the very least. Furthermore, no longer will I ask any of you how you are doing, nor reach out to make first contact with you in the least. If you want to talk to me, you can contact me yourself or not bother, the choice is yours.
It is completely uncalled for that I get my head bitten off for asking someone how they are and when they tell me that they are having a bad day... ripping into me when I ask if I can ask why, and if there is anything I can do to help.
This is absolute bullshit and these are things that my ex has done to me before. I will be damned if I allow myself to be walked on like a carpet by those of you who call me your friend when it matters /Is in their best interests and then treat me like shit when I simply say hello or ask if I can help them when they are down.
So as I said, if this is how you are gonna treat someone you say is a good friend. Well, don't bother until you get your heads out of your asses and find out how to treat people decently.
With Regards,
~Shayla~
To whom it may concern,
I have much going on in my real life right now and as such, I end up staying in my room most of the time, shut off from the outside world aside from online. Sure part of this is by choice, but mostly out of necessity and a good many of you also know why this is. I spend a great deal of time online, watching and waiting on things to happen or people to show up to hang out with. Mostly I just write though and idle online.
Now look, I know most of you who will be reading this work and have busy lives and the like. Do not mistake what I am about to say as me whining about no one paying attention to me or anything of the like. Mostly this is only directed at a few of you and honestly , to the few this letter is pointed at.. you should know who you are after it posts.
To that end...
What does a friend do when they see that a good friend of theirs is in distress? A proper friend would ask how they were and how they could help right?
Well yeah.. I am done acting like a proper/good friend to a great many of you. I am quite tired of saying hello and either getting blatantly ignored, or told to bugger off at the very least. Furthermore, no longer will I ask any of you how you are doing, nor reach out to make first contact with you in the least. If you want to talk to me, you can contact me yourself or not bother, the choice is yours.
It is completely uncalled for that I get my head bitten off for asking someone how they are and when they tell me that they are having a bad day... ripping into me when I ask if I can ask why, and if there is anything I can do to help.
This is absolute bullshit and these are things that my ex has done to me before. I will be damned if I allow myself to be walked on like a carpet by those of you who call me your friend when it matters /Is in their best interests and then treat me like shit when I simply say hello or ask if I can help them when they are down.
So as I said, if this is how you are gonna treat someone you say is a good friend. Well, don't bother until you get your heads out of your asses and find out how to treat people decently.
With Regards,
~Shayla~
