First off I apologize if I have been bothering anyone with all this stuff going on. On top of everything I've been dealing with a relaspe of depression and moodyness/unstableness rivaling that of when I was 12. Though people keep saying it's understandable. Because of this I have unwatched various people who have caused me grief and/or their existance/actions are making me feel worse. I won't name any names because I'm not one for making people look bad. If you are one of them and are curious, feel free to ask me why.

Anyway, this journal is going to be more postive than the last ones. I went to a new doctor today. He looked over everything and unfortunately he also thinks it's MS, but he actually explained why he thought it was MS. The other bitch-I mean "doctor" barely explained anything at all, and got angry when I asked questions. This doctor actually answered my questions. He explained the treatment options to me. I'm still going for 3 days of iv steriod treatment, but I won't have to be admitted to a hospital. The other doctor told another lie, admittance is not nessescary for treatment. He also explained to me that when blood or iv is taken, in order to avoid bruising, you have to put pressure on it. The doctors at the hospital did not do that, which was why m arms were so beat up.
I also had to go for another blood test, just to rule out a couple other things. But the doctors at this place were so nice to me. They gave me water and candy and helped calm me down while they did the blood. They also put this warm thing on my arm so the blood would come out easier. I was wearing a megaman shirt to the place and they actually seemed interested in it so I explained to them about megaman while they drew blood. The also had this cute talking teddy bear there who said funny things.

It's not guaranteed that it will treat it though, because it's been several months since all this began so it's no longer acute. But I really hope that it does...I don't know how I'd deal wit it if this stuff was to last the rest of my life. But, even with that thought, things are looking a lot more positive now.

I'm feeling really really sick right now, and it has nothing to do with anything that's been going on...

And I hate this. because I hate feeling emotional. I hate writing about it. But I feel if I don't I'm going to hurt something or someone.

Why is it that I befriend people with issues? One of my other friends who says a lot of idiotic things was all "oh, that's life, everyone has issues." Yeah, I KNOW that. But not everyone has bipolar, schizoprhenia, autism, borderline, and what have you. And I've known so many of these people. Not that I dislike people because of that sort of thing, but when nearly every. single. person you know has this stuff it gets overwhelming. And then there are people who claim they have things, when they either haven't been diagnosed or don't have anything at all. That pisses me off. The problem is not their issues exactly. It's that I get abused by them. Not physically, but emotionally. One of them told me I don't care about them and want them to hate things they like...when I never and would never said that and the evidence proves the total opposite. After all I did they suddenly think this and don't want to be friends with me anymore. And this happens so often. I put so much hard work into a friendship and poof, it's gone because they act like a dumbass.

I wish I had other people to talk to. Not that I don't mind the...2 real friends I have that I talk to on a regular basis...I'm thankful to have that. But I can't stand that all these people on FA...they make one whiny or ranty or emo journal about something stupid and everyone comes flocking to them. They get so much attention and everyone acts like they care so much. While I can make a very serious journal entry and it gets ignored by the majority. I'm glad for those who did comment though...I now know which people actually have a heart. But this has really bothered me for a while. And this post is probably like those posts I was talking about. But it angers me so much...and then there are people who ask to be talked to and cared about, and I'll reply to them and guess what? They respond to everyone else, and I get ignored!

I'm not very good at contacting people first...I don't know who is trustable or who will turn out to be an ass. I'm so afraid of talking to any new people now...especially if they are female...and yet I really want to have friends here...when I think about it, I haven't really made any friends here at all. And that...saddens me so much...I know I don't contact people first, and can be a little harsh when I have something important to say...but I'm a good person...I want to help people...but maybe, I've been doing that too much. And then there are people, who seem to be like they are my friends...and it starts off great, but then they never talk to me...

I guess I just need someone to talk to...but I know that's a perfectly fine thing for other people to ask, and apparently way to much to ask, if it's me...

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. First off, the doctor diagnosed me with MS a few weeks back and told me to go to the hospital for treatment. She said I'd have to go through the emergency room and lie to them, tell them that the symtpoms just started otherwise they wouldn't take me in.

I did that. They did a bunch of tests. They poked and prodded and hurt me. My mom said they must've taken a pint of blood from me. I was starting to get over my fear of needles for a while, and then the last lady came. She hurt me really bad. I was crying and hyperventillating it was so horrible. After like 7 hours they tell me they can't figure out what's wrong and discharged me. Good news is the new doctor doesn't think it's MS, bad news is he has no idea what's causing the 6th nerve palsy and all the other issues I'm having.

When we got home we called the doctor. She lied to us. Over the phone she said she told us to say that it's been happening for a while (which it has). That's an outright lie because I remember word for word what she told me, and my aunt was with me and she said she told me to say it just started too. We also find out that you need 2 legions on the spine to diagnose MS and I only have 1. So she misdiagnosed me. THEN she said to come in for steroid treatment. Why would I go in for treatment for something that I might not even have?! That would make things even worse! Obviously, we're not going to her anymore. Through the hospital we have a new doctor who I'll be going to.

After the hospital I felt, and still feel, even worse than I did before. I have even less energy, and my arms are incredibly weak and sore from all the needles and iv stuff they put in me. They are bruised. Last night I couldn't sleep because when I closed my eyes, I saw the hospital. I would open my eyes scared and realize I'm still in my room. I thought my headphone cord was the iv, it still felt like it was in and it hurt. I started hyperventilating and panicking again. Even now I'm still scared and trembling even worse. (a new symptom I've been having, but this seems to be from fear...)

I'm so upset because it's like we're back to square one. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't believe a doctor lied to me, and told me to lie. I've never told a lie like that, lying makes me feel sick. If it's not MS, then is it something worse? Will I ever get my vision back? I'm scared, I don't want to feel this way the rest of my life. I want to know what's wrong with me.

Tomorrow I'm leaving for the hospital. I'm no longer afraid of staying there. What I am afraid of is the uncertanty as I have no idea what will happen, or even if they will admit me. I think they are going to re-do the tests, since I have to go in emergency or else the insurance won't pay or something. I hope everything goes well though, it'd be great if they could treat it and it works out. Anyway, I probably won't be around for a few days starting tomorrow.

I had another appointment today to find out more information about my condition and what to do about it. It seems I'll still have to go through the spina tap...and I'll have to be admitted to the hospital for 3 days for treatment. The doctor said it'll make me feel better, but I'm really scared...

...What's it like being in a hospital for that long?

So today I turn big two zero. Just one more year and I can drink lol xD Even though I have little inerest in that.

I thought today was gonna suck, because the whole summer has, but it didn't, because my friends are there to support me and remind me that I DO matter. So thanks to those who made me feel less like a piece of crap and more like a person.

Today I'm going to keep my mind off the health issues, and have fun with friends. Even though I can't have a celebration in person due to my current state, I can have fun with friends online ^^

BIG thanks to those who drew giftart for me. I still feel largely ignored and unwanted by MOST people, but having support like that makes me feel really thankful and appreciative to those who DO happen to care. Thank you guys.

It turns out it is MS. But it's in the early stages, so the doctor thinks I'll be alright. I know it's terrible, but I don't feel as bad as I did before, because at least now I know what it is. Even if I have to get steriod injections...if it will make me stop feeling like this, I'll just learn to deal with it. I've been sickly all my life anyway, this is just the most severe thing that has happened in that department...I'll get used to it. At least I don't have to do a spinal tap, and I think I'll be okay...

It's on the 26th..I never thought I'd ever be this sad on my birthday. The good thing is at least school doesn't start until after, but that doesn't change how ill I feel. Everyday I just feel worse and worse, my legs feel heavy and numb, and my arm went numb last night when drawing. I feel like it must really be MS...but I'm scared. I realize now a spinal tap and finding out everything is okay would be better. I don't want to have to inject steriods into me...I hate needles...and I want to play DDR...why am I always so sick?

If anyone could draw something or whatever, it would cheer me up a little...but even though most people seem to get gift art on a regular basis, I'm not so well liked...at least I know some people care. Thank you for those who at least responded to my last journal, I know now 6 out of like 100 people aren't so selfish and actually have a heart.

I know no one really reads my journals since I rarely have anyone say anything, but I need to write this out...I haven't really told many people the details of this, mostly because I don't really talk about this sort of thing, and also because that requires energy.

Ever since early last month I've been having double vision so severe that I'm practically blind save for close distances. So ever since then I've been going to doctor after doctor to find out what's wrong, and they STILL don't know. After a while I've developed chronic headaches probably due to straining my eyes to see anything. And no matter how much I sleep, I'm always exhausted as if I haven't gotten any. It seems to have been narrowed down, part of my brain is inflamed which is causing the double vision, but they don't know why. They say it could be a virus, or I could have MS...

I'm scared. If they don't know after these next tests, I'll have to do a spinal tap. and I'm TERRIFIED to do that. I'd rather have my blood taken 20 times than do a single spinal tap, and this is coming from someone who is needle-phobic (I've gotten used to blood tests now, have had them done so many times...) BUT, if a spinal tap is not needed, that means for sure that I have MS. Either way is bad.

I'm worried about school. It starts soon, and I'm getting prisms in my glasses so hopefully it will allow me to get there and back. But I don't know how well I'll do, and I'll probably have to drop some classes. I generally love college, it's one of the most important things to me, but I actually dread going back now, because I feel so sick.

This is the worst summer I've ever had. I can't drive because I'm pretty much blind so I can't go anywhere, and even if I did, I can't see and I'm so tired, I wouldn't have any fun. I can't watch TV or play video games because it strains my eyes. I can't spend too much time reading because of the headaches. I can play handhelds, and use my laptop at least. I haven't drawn much because I don't have the energy to do so. And it feels like I'm going to a different doctor every few days. I was planning to have a small birthday party this year, but I can't do that anymore. I've been so moody too, and I'm the kind of person who'se mood in generally consistently in neutral mode. Right now I feel so miserable and...I don't know, alone or empty or something, not even for much reason, and I just want to curl up and hide somewhere, and just sleep. I want to sleep until this is all over with. I want my life, no matter how small it was, back. I don't want this.

taken from  jerrytehmunk

ANIME/MANGA NERD

[x] You watch anime.
[x] You read manga.
[x] You buy/collect anime DVDs or manga volumes.
[x] You own some other form of anime/manga merchandise.
[x] You have referred to an anime character as 'hot' before.
[x] You have cosplayed.
[x] You have done so in public.
[x] You have been to an anime/manga convention.
[x] You have created/joined a fanclub for an anime/manga character.
[ ] You have created/joined a hateclub for an anime/manga character.
[ ] You have squealed when you found out somebody had the same name as an anime character you knew.
[x] You enjoy drawing anime.
[ ] People you know know you as the 'anime' person.
[x] You know that it is pronouced 'mawnguh' and not 'manga' like it is spelled.

Anime/manga nerd = 11


ART NERD

[x] You like art.
[x] You actually consider yourself an artist.
[ ] When using art supplies, the brand of them matters to you.
[x] You have a favorite brand.
[x] You have asked for art supplies as a Christmas/birthday gift before.
[x] You give people your drawings as gifts.
[x] People actually ask for your drawings. (Rarely…)
[x] You are/were known as 'the art person' at your school.
[x] Instead of just 'brown' or 'pink', you'd be specific; it's 'sienna brown' or 'blush pink'.
[x] You have taken an art class outside of school.
[x] You have considered a career as an artist. (A long long time ago before I realized my lack of talent)
[x] Your school papers are always covered in doodles.
[x]You have a favorite artist.
[x] Your drawings have been framed.
[x] You carry a sketchbook with you everywhere you go. (Either that or spare paper)

Art nerd = 14


MUSICAL NERD

[x] You play a musical instrument.
[ ] You play more than one instrument. (Not anymore)
[x] You actually really enjoy playing your instrument.
[ ] You've given your instrument a name.
[x] You've participated in an extracurricular activity for your instrument. (Different instrument though)
[ ] You are known by what you play.
[x] You listen to classical music.
[ ] You are wondering whether that refers to the classical music genre or the classical music time period.
[ ] You have a favorite composer.
[ ] All of your friends are from your band/orchestra class.
[ ] You write music.
[x] You've had discussions with your friends about music; your favorite composers/instruments/musical time periods/key/etc...
[ ] You have considered a professional career with your instrument.
[ ] You are never nervous playing for other people.

Musical nerd = 5


VIDEO GAME NERD

[x] You play video games.
[x] You own more than 4 different video game systems. (Try 10!)
[x] You've had debates over which system is the greatest.
[ ] You play video games every day.
[x] You have played a video game for over 10 hours.
[x] You have songs from your favorite video games on your MP3.
[x] You love to talk about video games.
[x] You memorize the dates for when a new game is being released.
[ ] People know you as the 'gamer' person. (Not many know how much of a gamer I am, words cannot describe =| )
[x] You spend more time on video games than you do hanging out with friends.
[x] Your gaming system is in your room.
[x] You have preferences when it comes to what company your game came from.
[x] You've had debates over which company is the best.
[ ] You keep playing a game until you beat it. (I get bored easily so I tend to start new games before finishing the older one)
[ ] It makes you angry when you found out somebody looked up cheat codes on the internet to beat their game.

Video game nerd = 11


COMPUTER NERD

[x] You use the computer every day.
[x] You have an account/username on some sort of social website.
[ ] You go into random internet chatrooms.
[x] You spend at least 2 hours a day on the computer.
[x] You use computer faces.
[x] It is hard to go a day without using the computer.
[x] You spend time in online forums.
[ ] In the forum/chatroom you use, you are known there by everyone else.
[x] You have friends you have only met online.
[x] You have actually met an online friend in person.
[ ] U cn ezly rd 'txttlk.'
[ ] You have said 'lol' or 'omg' in speech that is not online.
[x] You can type really, really fast.

Computer nerd = 9

Ugh, I can't stand this anymore! Everyone in this stupid fandom seems to have something going on wrong with their lives! Why can't they just be HAPPY! I mean seriously, NO ONE CARES! I DON'T CARE! I don't care if you have depression or are about to get kicked out of your house, or that your dog died or whatever, JUST BE HAPPY! Like seriously, you guys are totally ruining MY mood with all your 'sadness' and stuff.

If you aren't happy 24/7 you need to GET OUT! Because I totally hate people who aren't happy ALL THE TIME because I'm actually quite a very selfish, ignorant person and I don't care about anyone else but myself. The only thing that's important are MY issues, not YOURS!

People should NOT be allowed to be sad. EVER. I'm going to try and find another fandom where people are NEVER sad and are always HAPPY ALL THE TIME.


<_<

01] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey?

Yes.


[02] Would you do meth if it was legalized?

No.


[03] Abortion: for or against it?

The less children born to unfit parents, the better. The child won’t suffer that way.


[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female president?

This is a dumb question as you cannot judge a person soley on their sex. It depends on who the person is.


[05] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?

Yes. It has medical purposes, so hospitals should use it. And, it’s less damaging than alcohol, and alcohol is legal =/

[06] Are you for or against premarital sex?

I don’t care.


[07] Do you believe in God?

Not exactly. I don’t believe in the “God” that people think of when you say God.


[08] Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA?

Yes. They should come here legally.


[09] A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?

Depends on if she is capable of caring for it properly or not.


[10] Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?

Yes. People start drinking way before then anyway. And it’s become a problem because it’s “illegal” so it’s considered “cool”


[11] Should the war in Iraq be called off?

No, only because we can’t just leave things the way they are. It should never have happened in the first place.


[12] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?

No. I think people should be allowed to be euthanized if that’s what they really want.


[13] Do you believe in spanking your children?

It depends. I don’t plan on having children.


[14] Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?

Yeah, it’s just a flag. They can make another one.


[15] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?

I don’t care. Otherwise I wouldn’t have done it.

Sometimes I think about a movie I used to like as a kid, but I don't remember the name of it.

It was about a guy who was some sort of dog psychologist or whisperer, he became that because he once had a dog where he was able to become 'one' with him and share his thoughts, but he has been unable to do that with any other dog.

But then I think one of his rich friends or customers is murdered, and they were close, so he inherited what he had, including the dog.

The guy was able to connect with that dog like with his old dog that died. And that's all I remember.

I was wondering if anyone knows what movie I'm talking about and remembers what it was called.

I found the name of the movie. Sadly they don't have it on DVD or video. It's this one: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Lucky_Dog