So i'm not moving to nc, like i wanted. I thought it through. There's a lot going on, and I just needed to move for my own mental health and for my son. So i got a place nearby to make it faster to move. I'm just going pay off bills, then save up to move, and i'll move later to nc. This is also helpful to stanley. He's got a lot of personal things to take care of here in tn. He was just going to go to nc for six months then come back, which would have costed him a lot. I'm a minimalist, while he wants to build up for moving to ct years down the line. I figured that I'll probably just have the basics and move with that then figure out the rest later when i get to nc. That'll allow stanley to use the apt to build up his life and what he wants.

So that's how the move thing is gonna go.

Oh one awesome thing. Stanley might share gas with us to go to ca this summer. Not sure. He just wants to see some part of the west coast, and we have to go see my son's california family. He talks about how he can get us to ca and back for cheaper than a flight (which round trip is 600 for us). Totally wanna see this.

So my friend stanley got a job at the same place as me. He proposed to help me move to NC. Found a great price for a place in shelby. shelby isn't where i want to be, but i really can't beat this deal. I'm calling tomorrow to see about applying. If i get a place in nc, i can finally apply for the 15/hour job that lets me work in nc and ca. I'm excited about that cause i can just spend the summer and christmas with my son in ca and live during the year in nc.

We'll see how it goes.

To my friends, love you. miss you. hope you're doing well.

I'm busy trying to get this move to nc going by jan. found a place. may have to send someone to live in it for dec and jan til i can move me and bubs into it. not sure nikki is going to go. he wants to keep his job now that he has something steady. I understand, but I had bad things happen yesterday (tuesday) This caused me to realize that I need to move somewhere, and I need to do it asap. Nikki knows i'll move with or without him. He understands that I can't mentally take my situation anymore.

Luckily, a friend of mine understands. Because i helped him find a job (after a year and half of joblessness), he's willing to watch the bubs the next week, so i can work unlimited hours. he starts training the week after, so next week is my only chance.

Homeboys industry does something that's needed in california. dating a bipolar that has a record has shown me how hard it really is for them to get a job, especially in california. Creates a revolving door without services like homeboys to provide work so they have experience that shows they can do the job. Got a lot of respect for what homeboys does.

some of this criticizes and other parts praise. Work like this is tough. If you doubt, the cycle continues. I understand his reason for protection and confidence in his people

http://www.latimes.com/local/great-.....104-story.html

i love stupid people

http://www.holidaysincornwall.com/t.....006&t-2230

what a week. I end up giving birth then going into the hospital cause i have a preemie that won't eat and has jaundice. oh joy -_- I did learn this time that i was breast feeding totally wrong. XD Guess that's the bright side, cause they showed me what i was doing wrong. i was so confused when they first went to teach me. Also, I learned that I need to take it easy and share responsibilities with others. I exhausted myself badly by taking on every responsibility myself instead of asking others. I was reminded during this visit that there are others willing to help if i'm willing to let them. Nikki started taking shifts with me on caring with the baby on the visit. the doctor ordered me a breast pump so he could give the baby milk.

I'm not great at this, cause i always took care of other people's kids....but i'm learning. every day i'm learning. I'm hoping he continues to stay well. Watching him not eat was very scary. seeing him sick and go through treatment was some tough shit. I had a hard time holding myself together.

(also doesn't help that i'm this rush of hormones that cries at everything. This did not happen while prego O_o so its weird to me. dude, i cried at a random song on Monday night. just some random song....)

Um. They me to give birth, so bbl when I have time!

Okay so jacksonashworth joined fa. i've known him since 2000. He's actually a great artist. He normally draws when he's bored lately. he'd like to draw more often. (dude, i wish i had his skill.) I use to sit in my apt in sc back in 2002 and watch him draw all day or i'd sit in his trailer while we watched movies, ate food, me eat all his hot coco, and him draw whatever comes to mind.

Go watch him. If you wanna commission him, you can. he's wanting to be able to use his art as an income.

TBH , he's looking for a few people to take ideas from so he can post examples of his art. all his art is traditional. He doesn't know digital art exists XD Poor boy. i'll show it to him one day...one day...when i'm not lazy. He can usually draw something up within an hour or two that looks pretty great.

No art right now, but go watch and see the art come up! we plan on posting in the next week. (He's gonna take pictures of it and i'll post it for him. he's still trying to figure out FA, so i'm managing his page.)

If you want to contact him, you can email him or contact me. Contacting me would be faster. We chat daily. The whole art idea just occured to me today, and he was all for it. :P

XD she thinks the title of the song is ken lee, when its can't live. she seems like she's guessing the english words.

http://youtu.be/FQt-h753jHI

yeah i want a new icon. not sure what i want. Not sure if i'll be actively looking, either XD just want something different for a while.

so with everything getting settled with work, i'm not as stressed out...okay maybe a little. Cause I gotta get use to the systems and get use to the job.

but with getting settled in and realizing how much I can do now that I work from home, i have been wanting to draw for days. i have various means to draw (sketch pad, bamboo for puter, and a note 3), but i have no inspiration.

any ideas of something? I just wanna draw. i won't be doing it much cause being prego isn't fun XD Today was sleep and braxton hicks. totally didn't feel like doing things unless necessary. Gonna spend tonight probably cleaning my room and fixing up the computer area of the baby's room. I usually get acid reflux about this time of night, so i figured i should do something with myself instead of sitting around waiting for it to go away -which is usually five am- The acid is totally my fault XD I'm kinda taking care of it. we'll see what happens. i know something in my diet..or lack of (cause i don't drink as much water as i should0 is causing it, not counting baby moving my intestines and stomach around. :p

Being prego, the below picture looks like a great idea. i can't bend or do much for myself. i got moments when i need to do basics in life, but i can't reach. so yeah...the idea of using a portal gun to help me in life is amazing XP

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/15006658/

first week of work is hard XD So glad its at home so they can't see me pass out asleep some times. god, that gets me in trouble. Ugh being prego sucks like that. plus, i got this crazy schedule that goes through weds, i think, where i go to bed at one am, wake up at four/five am, get nikki off to work, have breakfast, back to bed at eight am, wake up about noon, prepare for work.

once nikki gets into nesting and his regular work schedule, i'll be able to have a normal sleep schedule. WOOT. can't wait. Sadly, it'll be the day before i start taking live calls at home.

I do like working at home. I take my breaks in the living room to watch tv. I have my food here, and i don't have to worry about packing for work. I don't have to worry about dressing up. (Wore this robe thingy my aunt gave me years ago to be lazy yesterday) Everything I need is here. This is pretty awesome. i hope i do well when i go live on the phones. :D

Think i'll spend the weekend studying. plus jim might help me partition two of my drive so i can have more room.

first, took the glucose test today. surprised by it. not prego diabetic (Yeah, i know its not the word, but thats what i'm calling it) My family is full of diabetics, so kinda surprised. But...i also have a special diet i follow. its to help my heart. Been on it since a couple months before i moved to ca. Its only been adjusted a little for being prego. Pretty much less starches and more veggies til the baby is born. well, less worry about my child having juvenile diabetes at birth. Btw, omg that was the worst sprite like drink EVER. I also should have told them I'm not allowed carbonated drinks without water to chase it...ugh i felt so sick after. Though, i'm not sure they have a non-carbonated version of that nasty stuff.

speaking of veggies, carrot juice will be my friend for the next couple months. I can't get my non-starchy veggies down that they require...cause i burned myself out keeping up with it -before i learned i was taking too many veggies-. Carrot juice is the ONLY freaking all veggie juice i can seem to find around here. All the others are veggie and fruit. Carrot juice is nasty. XD I laughed when nikki took a sip. I can't drink it straight, so i slowly drink it through the day. i'm suppose to have 3 cups, but i have 2 cups instead cause its expensive.

New job...i like not having to go anywhere by car for work. Wake up, shower, get dressed, eat, and walk into the baby's room (where my setup is) to start work. I don't have to worry about commute time, getting food ready for lunch break, or any of that. my favorite part is break. i walk into the living room, watch what i want, then walk back into the baby's room. So far, its pretty good. I like it. the job is only til jan/feb, but i'll enjoy it while they let me.

okay almost tie for training to start. :D Later!

I was thinking about this. are there certain artists streams you watch regularly? I've gotten to the point where i watch Onu and geekidog's streams as my preferred streams. Onu cause you learn a lot and she's always willing to help. Geekidog's cause they are fun and make me laugh. Onu doesn't stream like she use to, but i'm cool with it.

I have a hard time writing, marking, or hurting books.

i saw this http://youtu.be/DRH8fc3hyxk

i have heard how horrible the book is and how hard it is to get through if you're a sane person that doesn't have such a lonely sex life that this book seems interesting.

i'm kinda on the fence of 'would i do this to a book?" i mean i know i'd be tempted but some moral part of me can't. i mean we let shitty books get created daily. it is sad that this one became popular. Just don't know if i could destroy a book.

I have gained a new respect for artists. I'm bored, but i'm not inspired to draw. a friend from high school is getting me to photoshop some photos. i figure its easy and has direction. i'm learning that what people think is "simple" is not so simple. I like how she was like "oh i just need you to add someone."

omg XD "add someone" was three someones (one i had to create a body for, lighting work, deleting three people, bullshitting an empty background into something realistic, another picture of "just adding someone" who also had no body....or refs i could use to create that body, and i forget what else. There's an unending amount of last minute changes or not getting something right. she offered to pay me but then was shocked at my five dollar price. xD i, personally, don't care if i don't get paid. I'm just doing things to keep me preoccupied and feel like i'm productive.

i see artists rant or get burned out all the time from the things people ask of them. I can understand why. I was just doing photoshop. Dear artists of the world, i'm so sorry for how bad we are as commissioners.

I have no idea what to call the stage i'm in except the "beached whale stage"

i can no longer sit up on my own. Nikki has to help me out of bed (which is like rolling a large log out of bed) and turn me when he's all like, "baby i wanna cuddle". I'm all like, "that'd be nice, but i don't wanna feel like a turtle on my back with weight that kicks my insides." XD

god and its suppose to get worse. I'm so glad i'm starting this at home thing with sykes. Its not much, but I can't seem to do a regular job with this prego brain i have. XP

So i was thinking about when i lived in knoxville. Dude, i was such a tart of a person (boring, drab, unfun, and a total hermit). like my friend miko-chan stayed for the summer. I know I had a lot going on with school and trying to get things straight, but god i was a tart.

I was thinking about that period vs when i went to ca til now. i mean i was a tart at the start. i had a lot of shit hit my plate, but i still tried to have fun. I wasn't ms. hermit that stayed locked in her house. well...i didn't really have a house. XD I kinda wished that i was more fun when i stayed in knoxville. i was so serious!!!

i also think some of my fun side is cause of nikki. We just balance each other out. sometimes, i just can't help but be silly with him. He was cuddling me while i was standing earlier. Next thing I know, I'm like, "You know you wanna bend me over while i yell 'oh cookies yeah cookies' at the top of my lungs." xD He just broke out laughing then said, "You're silly." He is just as bad. we'll go into a store. He'll walk up behind me then start humping my ass and walk off like nothing happened. I enjoy life more with him.

Now that i think about it, I blame my aunt for when i was a tart. She was always so serious and i had to take a lot of her shit. Makes anyone turn into a tart. GOD i hate tarty people like her. glad i don't take care of her anymore.

http://www.furaffinity.net/user/aulani/ look at them tones and colors <3

so i saw this artist post a reason why people should never give up on her art. she showed art she made 6 years ago.

In the past, i always gave up with i saw things like, "I been drawing for six years" or "i've been drawing since i was a teen". Sometimes, i would try to pick it up and what not, but i'd still get discouraged easily. its easy to get discouraged, though. At my age, everyone has kids and their life set. well, not everyone....but most people I know. Sometimes, you just wanna say, "well, i've failed in life."

I do that with my interpreting. i started school in 2009. I should be finished, but i was trying it from an area in tn where my degree does not exist. I moved to an area in mo where i could have a dorm room and all, but my tuition wasn't covered and I couldn't find a job in that town. I tried to move to knoxville, cause i was just like whatever i'll go to knoxville. I couldn't get myself to go to ut XD It's just not the program for me. I really tried on the whole applying to ut thing, but i couldn't get myself to finish the application. Just wasn't the program i wanted. People told me to go to maryville college, but i'm not christian and the cost is the same as ntid. I did apply to ntid, but i didn't finish the application. the main reason is i can't live in cold places cause of my lungs. Rochester is far more colder than tn. Out of the three schools that i felt were good for my education, california was the best option. I could live without the cyst in my chest acting up with cold weather. Then, i broke my ankle....now i'm back in the part of tn where i can't finish my degree. Sometimes it seems like an endless cycle where i'll never finish. most people i went to all those schools with are graduated. That's the most discouraging part. I could be finished by now.


Interpreting and art have their cycles to me. the difference, i guess, is Deaf community is more my passion than art. Art is more of an outlet. i'll probably always improve more in ASL and knowledge of Deaf than art because i'm so passionate about Deaf culture. Really it is based on what your passion is when it comes to how determined you are.

i know, i'm veering off. i do that.

The truth behind both is if you want to improve in anything...no matter what it is....you gotta keep trying and practicing. it doesn't matter how shitty you look and how bad you do, you gotta keep trying. you'll become better in time. My art MAY become better. I say may cause i dont' really practice it. i'm not as self concious, but i don't always feel like drawing, either. like right now, i'm playing a stupid game that means nothing to me and listening to an audio book. probably gonna watch dr who later. I know if i try an d keep trying then i'll get better with my art.

actually, thinking about that. i should probably spend so much time a day on both. Dual improvement!

okay imma stop babbling. abdominal pain :: curls up with a pillow ;; oh god. pregnancy.... bai!

I'm going through the things they gave me at the Deaf and hard of hearing center. one is a series of newsletters from this year.

saw this http://www.deafmd.org/ thought i'd share :D I'm looking at the definitions. :P

This is from a former starbucks employee. She saw a link i posted on fb and took off XD

This is the link she is referring to: http://www.collegehumor.com/post/69.....tember#!bOCVpk

Lina: Allow me to break this down picture by picture!

1...If you look at the markings on every cup. These are all frappucinos and will require *more* time than any other drink to make. No matter how you try to speed up the process, you can't move faster than the two blenders you have and aren't allowed to make two drinks in the same blender even if they're the same drink.

2...Drive through shenanigans are not going to make my day any better. I have five minutes to take your order, send you through, make your order, and take all the orders behind you and prep those as well. My timer is what decides whether I get a raise or not in three months, as well as whether I keep my job or lose it.

Lina: 3. Standing at the condiment counter takink a selfie means that you're going to either make a mess, upset whoever is waiting for you to finish, or your drink will melt/get cold/taste bad and you will demand I make you another. (Inevitably, you will decide to be less than polite when you do so. )

4. *If* I'm lucky enough to work at one of the Starbucks locations that do sell alcohol, I don't get to drink said alcohol. I already deal with demanding customers who assume that because they spend more than five dollars on a cup of diabetes I'm their coffee monkey slave...I don't need them to be drunk as well.

5. Between the PSL that now comes out in August because people don't want to wait until the season actually changes, and all the special holiday seasonal drinks...your local friendly barista is over worked and has to make upwards of 20 pumpkin spice lattes, 25 salted caramel mochas, and at least 15 hot chocolates with various temperature or flavor modifiers. Stop yourself. You know how to make your own hot chocolate.

6. Quit dicking around on the drive through, not only have I spent the past ten minutes explaining to you our ENTIRE menu, while you're staring at it...I've asked you whether you want your drink hot or iced, and you're still trying to repeat the word "Grande" like it means something.

7. FRAPPUCINOS...Jesus, I'm going to take a moment to point out that I don't care how much you LOVE your caramel ribbon crunch frappucino with extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extraextra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra caramel. I don't want to hear you say "frap, frappe, frappy, frappo, frappie, or any variation of the word frap...Frappucino is copyrighted and this is not mcdonalds.

8. We sold out of cake pops at 8 this morning along with the good breakfast sandwiches. All we have left is the low fat turkey bacon and the dried out cinnamon buns no one wants. Stop throwing a temper tantrum because you show up later in the day.

9. Is it really that hard to clean up after yourself? Did you know that if you bring in your own mug/cup/whatever we'll give you a discount on your drink? LESS TRASH = LESS EXPENSIVE.

10. Everything is crowded and we are always busy. The slowest time ...See More

11. Why are you taking pictures of your latte? What is so groundbreaking about a drink that took me all of two minutes to make while you stood at the hand-off plane, tapping your straw/fingers/pen against the counter, stared at me grimly from behind your designer sunglasses, and then snatched the drink from my hand instead of letting me set it down on the counter?

12. 99.9 percent of everyone who orders a 'skinny vanilla' latte is an extremely thin, pinched, unhappy looking person who is assuredly wanting to 'indulge' while still counting calories. We use sugar free and non-fat, and I don't care how good you're doing on your diet, I want you to take your drink and go. I also don't want to have to write anything special on your cup, sleeve, lid, or anything...I get ONE marker and have to make it last...I also have to guard it from every other barista here because they only get one too.

Nay: XD <3

Lina: :D


Enjoy your day :D

Btw journal is just inspired by all the stuff i been seeing on fb....which got me thinking a lot

So i've been thinking back and forth on things. see, i've been missing california cause I moved to tn due to pregnancy and nikki having more options out here. I miss my education and opportunities.

My mind has been thinking about, "What if i had stayed instead of coming to tn?" Only positive thing that has come up is Nikki wouldn't be in trouble with parole. two weeks ago, his mother told parole he wasn't living there and wasn't in ca. I have no idea how that came out to parole, cause she has limited english and most of his people don't speak spanish. i usually had to use my limited spanish to translate. She once told parole, "Jose is in los angeles" and thats it. i had to call and say, 'he's in huntington beach. he was suppose to go to LA for a food stamp issue."

There's a lot of things about my life in ca that were good, but it only dealt with my major and intended CSUN major, Deaf Interpreting and Deaf studies. I had many chances to be around Deaf and attend tons of events. This helped improve my skills. I only stopped using them when i got in a wheel chair then i had to start over from scratch with getting back on my feet. Somehow i had the smart idea it'd be easier if i saved up to live in Kern county. (XD HA yeah sure.)So, my skills went down.

As for the rest, I was pretty much well...I was practically homeless. I remember califur 2013 when soutthpaw had to help me get back and forth from the transition shelter I was staying at. He could probably guess what was up, but i don't think he ever mentioned much about it. It was literally my last option for help, cause the citizens of orange county don't want a year round emergency shelter even though they state they wish the homeless had more help. When I arrived in OC jan 2013, i had a plan. I stuck to it and got a room for rent in a spot so perfect for me....then two weeks later broke my ankle walking home. That made me lose my job and everything else. With the help of my mexican, before he was my mexican and we were just friends, i got through my ankle situation. during that time, i stayed in Kern county for two weeks and thought this was the answer to my housing situation (even though i didn't really like kern county). I healed up and went back to work, but my ankle was never the same. We stayed at Nikki's mom's house when i went back to work, but it was always a back and forth. nikki's family has this whole thing of he'll never get better and he'll always turn bad. We had to fight to stay there, but some weeks we were out on the streets. We were finally kicked out in April 2014. I had to quit what jobs i had then figure out what to do. we left for Kern county then I unknowingly got prego. I was starving in Kern county. i had this job, but it was hard to get paid. You didn't pick up your check or have it direct deposited. You had to wait for it to come from vegas. I went maybe a month to a month and half without money or food stamps. People in Delano were nice, but god they were nosy. When i found out I was pregnant, I had to decide what to do. I decided to quit. I couldn't wait for each check like this. I needed to either go back to tn or go into a women's shelter, which would exclude nikki. Back in oc, nikki was going back to his old ways of stealing and other things. He was frustrated cause he couldn't get work or help out with getting us back on our feet. If i excluded nikki, he'd continue to spiral downward. Felons have a hard time getting work in ca, period. This is part of why many of them re-offend. All they have left are illegal ways to make money when no one will hire them and they have no help at all.

When I think about that and compare it to my life in tn, TN was my best option. I wish i could be in ca to finish at GWC, go to DeaFestival, attend CSUN, go out to hang out with Mando at Deaf events (and maybe laugh when he gets a bit drunk XD), and I wish i didn't miss a lot of things in ca.....truth is....i have to consider nikki and this child. If it was just me, i'd probably go through the process I went through before then be back on my feet and in school. i'd be graduated by next may....but i can't think selfishly like that now. I have to rethink things. I won't touch University of TN with a ten foot pole. I don't like the program cause its focused on mainstream and not community. I wanted nashville state cause it did the opposite of UT and the CODA that headed it was pretty good at the program he lead, but Nashville State removed the program. The nearest two year program is in Flat Rock. i'm not sure if its good. part of me is willing to settle and leave the learning to interacting with the Deaf community and learning from books. The other part of me wants to head to charlotte where they have a Bi-Bi focus and a strong looking program that will transfer to UNC-G, where i can do a program close to CSUN. I can't go back to ca to finish. if I do, nikki could go back to his old ways easily. I just don't want that. He's tried so hard for the past year. He's had his slips, but he recovers and realizes how stupid it was.

It doesn't mean we won't go back to visit. our summers will be in ca with his family since the rest of the year is with mine. Though it'd be cooler if we did it in the winter >.> Cause its damn cold out here XD and i can't breathe in below 40 degree weather. I don't like ca summers cause HB is full, and HB is my favorite place. :D but i'll deal. hehe. As for my skills, i'm going to ask the local interpreters that I know and the local centers that work with Deaf. I don't know any local Deaf, so thats out. most of the ones i know are in knoxville cause they went to ETSU, and thats an hour and half away. i'll probably bug the ETSU terps that i know. not sure i want to, but i might.

anyway, thats my thoughts.

so i figured i should type something to distract me from all the pain in my jaw, which is making me slightly anti social. Ugh it wakes me up every few hours. i don't sleep >.>

i been thinking about this since i woke up, about ten minutes ago. XP i've seen people on here talk about body image. i've seen prego women complain about body image at the dr's office. Most women struggle with it cause of how social standards place body image. I find my body image strange. i was chatting with a friend, on friday i think, about how each other see our selves.

I'm a fat girl, but i don't see myself as a fat person. I grew up skinny til i was 18 then i sat around with nothing to do with my life. I had moved from sc to tn, could not get a job, and didn't have any friends in tn at the time cause i didn't have job experience. I started to gain weight around then. I just became less active of a person. In 2006, got a job at a call center. Worked 16 hours a day and didn't get exercise (also killed my leg muscles). so now i'm about 220. At 18, I was 145. Pfft totally thought that was fat. I only try to lose weight for my health. My heart hasn't been doing good since 2010 with the weight. With being prego, i gotta gain weight (crazy people don't seem to understand that will cause me some medical issues).

Even after all of that, i just don't see myself as fat. i see myself as skinny cause i was skinny growing up. I know i have fat rolls. i tease about them. My mom likes to poke them and say, "you're fat" to which i just poke her and say, "You're old." Nikki calls me "my fat girl" and says "mi gorda" when talking to his mom in spanish, but thats a compliment in his culture. his sister is a bean pole, and he calls her fatty as a loving term. i wear large people's clothes. I don't buy skimpy clothes cause I've never bought skimpy......but self image wise i see myself as skinny.

My friend, though, sees herself as fat cause she grew up a fat girl and stayed that way. (Totally her words, not mine.) She said she has always suffered with that part of her image. she fights to be seen as someone attractive, but her weight always bothers her. She dreams of the day where people see her and accept her size. Mentally, she knows she will always fight this image of being fat and seen as fat by society.

Thinking about it, i guess we define ourselves by that mental image. i couldn't give one flying flip how people see me. I know physically and medically I'm obese, but i don't struggle with it mentally. Maybe mental image is everything for our self esteem? I mean there is a part of my body image i do struggle with. its not a severe struggle, cause i accepted as a teen, but it does bother me when people are not accepting of it. That would be my psoriasis. not accepting that is like not accepting someone cause of their skin color or eye color. my disease is genetic. I can't help it. okay maybe i can help if it shows....cause mine has been in a controlled stage for years.....but i don't care. Its in my genetics and its apart of me and who i am. its just a fast way to piss me off if you act like i got cooties or something.

But yeah, have you ever thought about how you see yourself mentally versus physically? I think that effects everything. i mean even if you achieve wanting to be skinny, you might still see yourself as fat if you see yourself mentally as a fat or ugly person. Sometimes, I think we need to work on our mental image and self esteem before we work on our body. other wise, losing weight would be pointless. many people struggle with that image, so they are never satisfied with how they look.