Wat... why u submit a blank journal FA?

Well, what I was GOING to say was that I'm switching accounts folks, for very specific and very good personal reasons. if you want to keep following my art, jump ship to this place:

I'm always surprised by the ridiculous response I get to my vent works and journals of complaint stuffs. You're all very kind. There is no way I can go through and thank you individually- I simply don't have the energy or the attention span for that, but I assure you that I read every comment and heard every word. And I appreciate it more than words can describe, I do.

I mean, I really do. I know I may not always seem like the most grateful person on the planet, especially once I'm in one of my moments. My tolerance for social activities is the first thing that nose dives when I'm depressed, and that includes my ability to appreciate the kind words of others. But sincerely, in my rightest of minds, I really do appreciate you guys, my watchers, my friends. You're all I have in my darkest moments, and I really can't thank you enough for not turning your backs on me when all others seem to.

So thanks. I'm feeling better now. A day or two off the internet did some good. I'll try to avoid lapsing like that again. It's no fun for any of us.

Hope I didn't offend anybody.

I hate myself
with a passion that words cannot describe.

Even after a Xanax and two whole bottles of my favorite Iced tea, I sit here in the deepest pool of self-loathing wondering why I bother getting up each morning... and being flabberghasted by the fact that I really have no excuse anymore. I used to. I used to use my dreams of being a concept artist as my reason for living, my reason for being. I wanted to grow up, be strong, do well, and pay my parents back for a life time of kindness.

But years of being told that I will amount to nothing, that my decisions are retarded, my attempts are useless, and my every action is an example of failure as a human being, it just doesn't work anymore. Even if I made it as an artist, I'd never make any money, I'd never have any friends, no one would come visit. It will all be the same, it will always be the same and there is just nothing I can do about it. My parents will never be able to retire comfortably, my brother is going to amount to nothing, and this family line will die out with the two of us.

Our parents, thank god, will be remembered as the great and wonderful people they are. But we... we will be forgotten as always. And that's just... it.

The only people who will remember me will be my art thieves, and they will be glad I am gone.



What is all of this? Where is it coming from?
How do I fight it?
No one will tell me... there's nobody here.

Well I thought it was back to the grind...

But I woke up Monday morning and could not stop crying for the entire day. Every thought, every move, every moment that ticked by on the clock toward my first class of the semester ate away at my resolve like a school of hungry piranhas until I was literally on my knees in my hallway wailing and shaking.

Had my dad come get me, I just... had to. I had to get out of there, out of that place, out of that city. Away... and I don't know why. I thought I was excited about starting my second to last semester, but I guess I was wrong. It surprised me as much as it surprised everyone else.

So I'm going to head down to Philly on Thursday to withdraw and take this semester off.

I've never had a panic attack/freak out before the quarter has even begun. Normally, it's during finals week when this happens, when stress and stuff has obviously piled up. But I literally had not even gotten started and I was beside myself with grief. In hind sight, I'd been dreading it for awhile. While I was in Chicago with my boobins, her dad asked me when I had to go back to school, and when I realized it was the following weekend, I deflated a little. I didn't want to go back, even weeks in advanced, I didn't want to go back.

Even Jaeger seemed to sense it. All of Sunday, he was sluggish, unresponsive and depressed. Normally, he's all hyper and excited, but that day he didn't even whine much in the car. Just sat there quietly and eventually went to sleep, which is weird for him. I tried to take him out for his walk Sunday night and he didn't even want to go. He freaking loves his walks, and he flat out refused to come to me when I called him, like it wasn't worth it... wasn't worth getting off the couch.... I bet he knew what I was feeling, even before I did. He's a sensitive dog and I love him dearly for it.

I'll have to pay more attention to him next time so I'm not stuck in a blubbering heap on the floor.



Well anyway, bitching aside, I'm skipping this semester at school. Gonna try and take the time to sort out... whatever has been going on inside my head. Apparently, you cannot solve personal problems and go to school at the same time. Wish someone had told my parents that...

And right back into another semester at school.

I wish I could say I was excited, wish I could find some motivation, some enthusiasm. But I have none left. 4 years of the same miserable thing over and over and over again, and I'm just so so spent.

So let me just... get through this and be done with it. Then I can stop hearing lectures about money, about financial aid, about rent bills I have to pay, about electricity I'm being charged for for no reason. I can go back to seeing movies whenever I want, having fun, walking my dogs somewhere that isn't loud and crowded with pitbull hating pedestrians. I can sleep in a room with a working smoke detector, can use an oven that doesn't leak gas, can go back to being distant from my neighbors, and not have to deal with small talk in the elevator.

*sigh* Some day...

Going to visit family for the holidays. Though we'll have internet in the hotel we are staying at, I try not to put too much faith in public connections. So if you ask me a question or something, and it takes me like three or four days to respond, relax. I'm trying to fight off the Jesus freaks that are my mother's extended family.

Similarly, right after ward, I'm gonna go spend New Years with my boobins and her family. So I'm still gonna be distracted, even though I'll probably have internet at her place. x3 So again, if it's January fourth, and I still haven't gotten back to you, don't panic. Too busy trolololololololling all of the city of Chicago.

Hope you all have some happy holidays. :3

I did it.
Passed all of my finals, even the ones I was sure I was going to fail.
I did a lot of work, I tried my best and I got all A's.

All but one, but that one was not important.
It wasn't important at the beginning and is no important in the end either.
It's all about making progress toward the goal. Progress made.
Celebrate.

Celebrate.
I did an excellent job.

Basically, we could choose any topic and had to produce a 2 to 3 minute video on that subject/topic/whatever. We could use any equipment that was available to us, the only real requirement was that we had to be the sole camera operator. It really was a very introductory course to "how to use a video camera" basically. Very simple stuff.

So we're sitting around, everyone is going up one by one to have their videos projected on the wall for the whole class to watch and critique, and this one guy- the resident "genius" as the professor called him (he was one of the few students in the class who had significant experience in using video production techniques, editing, special effects and all that fancy stuff) gets up and puts on a video that's literally 4 minutes of girls shaking their asses and grinding themselves against a bunch of dudes crotches.

This is a pretty popular dance style apparently, the act of dry humping the nearest gentleman. I'm sure anyone who has spent any time on Youtube or watching TV has seen it once or twice. But to record it for your final project? To show to a class that is equal parts young men and young women? I dunno. Let me know if I'm being too sensitive for being terribly offended by the video. I mean, literally, it was nothing but people dry humping each other in sometimes ridiculous positions for four minutes. there was no plot, no story, not many effects. It had about as much artistic merit as a porno. But of course, the men in the class loved it and, since the professor was also male, we spent like 20 minutes talking about how "great" and "wonderful" a video that was.

I didn't say anything of course. I'm not going to rain on the rest of the class' parade just because I've got a stick up my ass. But seriously, I found it as a video (for a class or otherwise) terribly degrading to women. The point is to literally have sex with men to music for no reason and I think it's a stupid, shameless representation of my gender class.

I hope I'm not being super sensitive about this... >.>

What's your definition of a lesbian? And I mean you personally.

I ask because I've noticed that there seems to be a variety of opinions as to what makes someone gay exactly, but I've never actually had the chance to study the opinions comprehensively. While file surfing on my harddrive, I found one of my old rp characters' biographies in my documents folder. Under sexual orientation, I had labelled her Asexual, and she was. She was a very moody, bitchy person who really wanted nothing to do with anyone, the epitome of anti-social. x3 However, stuff happened, as it often does during roleplays, and after a month of playing her and a few threads, she ended up in something of a relationship with another girl. So, the admin of the site made me change her sexual orientation to "gay/lesbian"... but I didn't want to. I did anyway so I wouldn't get banned. x3 But mentally, I remember being put off a little bit.

So, in that situation, was my character a lesbian? I've always thought that she's not. "Lesbian" implies that one woman is sexually/physically attracted to other women. But Darko, my character, was not attracted to anyone or anything. She was a total beast in terms of personality and physical appearance (she was part of an elemental roleplay where one of the elements was called "beast" and essentially allowed your character to do things with certain animals, in Darko's case she could turn into a lioness, but at the start of the roleplay every character's skill in their element is very low so Darko was very terrible at controlling her beastial instincts and what not... typical werecritter concept here x3). She hated everyone and never even had sex with her so called girlfriend. I'm sure she would've if the opportunity had arisen, but only for her girl's sake. Poor thing was a hopeless romantic and longed to be close to Darko, so I bet my lioness, after much poking and prodding, would've sucked it up for the girl's sake.

But still. The point is... is she a lesbian for being romantically involved with someone of the same sex? Or is it completely dependent on physical attraction?

By the same extension, suppose someone is bi-sexual, and happens to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex. Does that make the person gay? And if so, does that mean they cease to be gay when the relationship ends?

I've always thought 'no' was the answer to this, but I'm curious about what other people think, as everyone on the roleplay seemed to disagree with me.

Was looking for something to draw and I stumbled upon this meme on  taintedazaelia 's page. I'm pretty painfully bored so I have no excuse not to do it. *shrugs*



1.)Are you kinky?
Nope. Straight as a ruler.

2.)Have you had sex?
Does playing the Escort missions in Saints Row count?

3.)Do you like anal?
God no. I don't even like the concept. Stuff comes out of that hole, it doesn't go in. Gross.

4.)Are you bi gay or les?
Sure, why not. No I have no idea. I consider myself Asexual but bi or panromantic. Something like that. Basically, I don't give a flying fuck about sex and gender in a physical sense, but am capable of being romantically interested in anybody.

5.)Do you like to be spanked?
Not at all.

6.)Ever spank someone?
My... dog maybe. I smack him on the rump if he's doing something naughty and I need his attention. But I don't think that counts.

7.)Do you watch porn or have you?
Not regularly, no. Though it's hard to be active on FurAffinity and say that you haven't seen something pornographic, let's be honest now. >.>

8.)Have you ever touched a penis? (not of your own if your a guy)
Just my dog's, again. And that's only because I had to pick him up to put him in the car. Big scary pibble is terrified of riding in the car.

9.)How do you think you are in bed?
Pretty boring I assume, since all I do in bed is sleep and drool on myself, usually at the same time.

10.)Top or bottom?
I do not have bunk beds anymore, sorry.

11.)Ever done cowgirl?
....beg'pardon?

12.)Ever been ate out or ate someone out?
I'm assuming we're not talking Red Lobster.... which is a shame because I love Red Lobster. Crab meat is awesome. Human crabs are disgusting, get the hell away from my face.

13.)Are you a dirty girl/boy?
Just took a shower about an hour ago actually.

14.)Can I spank you?
I'd rather you didn't.

15.)Can you tell I cant think of much more to say thats dirty?
Well now that you've admitted it, yes.

16.)Whats one dirty thing you like to say?
Um.... DragonDildo?

17.)Whats a fetish of yours?
I seem to have a fetish for procrastinating on my homework, if this meme is evidence of anything.

18.)Bed or couch?
Whichever one is more comfortable. Here in Philly, they are both about as cozy as a slab of concrete.

19.)Dominate or be dominated?
That's okay...

20.)Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Yes, I slept through the whole thing and had a lovely dream about the new Walking Dead episode. Twas lovely.

21.)Where would you LOVE to loose your virginity?
... who ever bothers to think about this stuff? I don't think I'd "love" to lose my virginity anywhere.

22.)How many penises have you seen or touched in your life?
Jaeger's is the only one I've touched, but I've seen quite a few, mostly on nude models for my drawing courses.

23.)How many boobs have you seen or touched?
Again, I've only touched my own, but I've seen plenty on nude models. Also Saints Row may or may not have an option to let your character run around naked.

24.)How many times do you masturbate weekly?
Hmmmm... add 4.... carry the 1........ Never, sounds about right.

25.)If you could see anyone you wanted in the nude, who would it be?
My boobins. If only to prove once and for all that she is not as fat as she thinks she is.

26.)If you could have sex with anyone you wanted, who would it be?
Uh... No one?

27.)On a scale of 1 to 10, how horny are you?
-12

28.)Would you ever send a naked pic of yourself to someone?
Yeah probably. Not in a OMG AREN'T I SO HOT kind of way, just in a... well I dunno why I would, but I would. I'm not ashamed of my body and being an artist has desensitized me to the idea of nudity. Now, if someone were like LOL SEND ME A NAKED PIC SO I CAN MASTURBATE, I'd tell them to shove off. But for observational purposes, I don't really care much.

29.)Would you swallow someone's cum?
Hmmm let me thin- No.

30.)How do you like it?
Skyrim? Oh it's awesome. I love it.

31.)Do you have any crushes on anyone?
Currently, not really. But I used to have one in high school.

32:)What's your favorite porn site?
The ones that have obvious url's so I can easily avoid them.

33.)How big is your dick/boobs?
WELL MY DICK IS GIGANTIC

34.)When was the last time you masturbated?
What part of "never" was unclear?

35.)What's your favorite part of your body?
I kind of like my arms. I like being athletic, feeling kind of strong and all that. I used to like my legs too, back when I ran crosscountry, but they've lost their tone since then and are now far more flabby than I'd like.



I know, aren't I the sexiest thing ever? SO DIRTY DURRHURR

Yeah idk. Carry on.

Came in the mail yesterday so I just unwrapped that. Now I just have to get my hands on that new Need For Speed, and I'll be all set for life.

Ugh... so many gaaaaaaaaaaaaames. Get out of here college, there is fun to be had.



Yep, I may be terribly far behind on a lot of my projects this semester. But... WORTH IT.
Good god, if only you guys could see how shiny and delicious the new Saints Row looks. I mean holy shit graphics. Holy. Shit. Graphics. And the mechanics, the animations, everything is so realistic now. Impacts vibrate the controller, even footsteps can be felt depending on how fast you choose to move, it's fantastic. Combat is so much more lively too. There is this leaping tactical roll your character can do now when you sprint and jump at the same time. Kaylink does not move around the map in any other way.

Fell off a building during one mission. what a freaking derp.

Oh, and and and we have to drive around with a tiger in the car. If you drive too recklessly, bastard takes a swipe at you, which wounds your character and makes it difficult to steer for a few seconds. Very reactive, very dynamic. And oh my god tank mayhem. Whoever said "let's make a mini game where the player gets a tank and is given the task to blow shit the fuck up" is my hero.

Oh, is that your car? Not anymore. *flattens*
Daw you weren't planning on going home alive today were you?
You are not going to be happy when you see what this tank can do to your face.



We're gonna have to record some of this for posting on the Youtubes. Though we're already like... 50% of the way through the game. x3 WE GO HARD FOR THE MONEY BITCHES

Also if Kaykay whips out her giant purple dildo weapon, I'm not sure what that will do to the video content rating. But we'll see.

I want to record some of Professor Genki's tv show. You basically run around and kill guys in fursuits while trying to avoid getting burned alive, and while listening to hilarious commentary. There are targets you can shoot too for bonus points, but nobody likes it when you shoot a panda. NOBODY



Anyway, yes. Saints Row: The Third. Worth every god damn penny.
I'll have to tell you about Skyrim later. TROLL TITLE LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Guess what
I have
sitting next to me
on the couch.

Guess





it starts with an S
ends with a 'aints The Third'

Composure, you may now take five.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

Up, Composure's back from lunch.

*caresses the game case* Hello baby. Did you miss daddy? Oh ho ho daddy missed you. <3
Shhhhhh sh sh sh it's okay, it's okay. Soon, soon.

ALL OF THE EXCITEMENT
ALL OF IT

I have never before been so earnestly waiting for the mail to arrive.

You can thank for this. x3



1. You must post these rules (Very Important indeed).
2. Each person must post 11 things about themselves in their journal.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and create eleven new questions for the people you tag to answer.
4. You have to choose 11 people to tag and post their icons on your journal.
5. Go to their page and tell them you have tagged him/her.
6. No tag backs.
7. No stuff in the tagging section about "you are tagged if you are reading this." You legitimately (AKA, really, truly, with all honesty) have to tag 11 people.


1) What's your favorite kind of music?
Dupstep baby. Awwww yeah. B3 Though I also like various kinds of rock and other types of trance stuff.

2) What's one thing you would trade anything for?
Though I can't say that I'd trade anything, I would definitely sell my soul to be with my boobcat. I would like happy hugs and cuddle time, yes I would.

3) Why are you reading this question?
Because my freaking smoke alarm started beeping for no reason at about 7 o clock this morning, scared my dog so much he ended up shitting himself (literally). So had to get up, clean that up, email maintenance, waiting for a reply so I might as well read questions while I wait... since I can't freaking sleep.

4) What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Terrible things... very very terrible things. Klondike bars are delicious.

5) Do you like it when people Tag you?
Yeah actually. Gives me something to do when I'm bored or want to procrastinate.

6) What's your favorite T.V show?
Oh, this is a tough one.... My favorite TV show... I really like Scare Tactics, I think it's hilarious watching people get scared. But I think I'd peg The Dog Whisperer as being my favorite. So many pibbles, good gawd. Also like the various Animal Cops shows on Animal Planet (especially Animal Cops Philadelphia x3).

7) Do you like to paint your toenails?
No thnx. *chugs a beer and busts the can against her forehead*

8) Did you answer question 7 truthfully?
Yep. I'm a generally honest person. I dislike lying greatly... though I do sometimes exaggerate a little bit (ie- I didn't really drink a beer, just showin off my manliness *flex*).

9) xbox360 or PS3?
If my Xbox were a person, I'd probably have sex with it... and then wake up with a virus the next day, but damn would that be some good sex. I love my xbox. SAINTS THE THIRD OH MAI FUCKING GOD MAN HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG

10) What are your pet peeves?
Beeping fire alarms. B( ... I also dislike it when people cannot think for themselves, asking me questions like "how much does a tablet cost?" as though there isn't a Google search bar in the corner of their web browser. This is the internet geniuses. Look it up. Take some initiative. I also hate it in reference to other things, such as depression. Can't stand depressed people who sit there and bitch but then do nothing about it. MY LIFE SUCKS, so fix it, WHATS THE POINT, if nothing else it will get you to shut up... Which is a little cruel sometimes I know, but my philosophy is "if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem". If you don't take any measures to fix your depressive state, then to some degree you are to blame for it. Sitting there, letting it get worse is not going to help anybody, and I speak from experience.

11) Would you dress in drag and do the hula for money?
Pffft. Yeah sure. Sign me the hell up. I could use money.



New Questions:
1) What are your current living arrangements? Do you live in a house, an apartment, a dorm room...?
2) Are you aware that the Sims 3 Pets expansion pack comes out next week?
3) How long do you spend in the shower?
4) What do your favorite set of pajamas look like?
5) Do you have any pets?
6) What's your favorite article of clothing/jewelry?
7) What's your favorite childhood memory?
8) Coffee or Tea?
9) What's your favorite kind of sandwich?
10) What's your favorite animal and why?
11) Have you been to Avy's Formspring yet?

I tag:
literally anyone who watches me and reads this, but has not already been tagged. Was gonna go through and tag some people specifically, but a few of them have already been tagged... also, my fire alarm has shut the fuck up so I'm gonna take advantage and go back to bed. *poofs*

WELL

well well welly well well

I finally cut my hair. Anybody who knows me very well (read as: my boobcat x3) knows that I have always hated my long hair. Long hair on African American heads is almost always a massive undertaking, and in particular, my hair is thick to the point of being solid, fine as dental floss and curly as a moe'suckra. It used to take 2 hours to comb through all of it every day, 4 hours if I skipped a day or got caught in the rain, god forbid. When wet, it was so long and so thick and so heavy, that I couldn't hold my head up on my own. I could not do it myself, I had to pay about 100 dollars every three months or so to get it relaxed/straightened (which also took about 4 hours, and was more painful than I could describe in words). My scalp was dying, suffocating, beneath three heads worth of hair that, even with all the work I could possibly muster, it still was dirty and full of dead skin and nastiness. Just... the worst thing ever. Has been since I was a small child. 21 years of that shit, finally had enough and cut it all off.

Needless to say, I love it. I can do it myself, wash it myself, combing it is virtually painless and takes like... 60 seconds. I timed it last night, it's so fantastic, I could cry happy tears.

But here's my point. Since I cut my most noticeable physical feature off, I momentarily visited the idea of similarly trimming/shortening Avy's hair to coincide. Because I NEVER in my life actually enjoyed my hair, Avy was always deliberately designed to have shorter hair (closer in style to what I wanted rather than what I had), and her current hairstyle is not even close to my original back-length hair anyway. But now, her hair is significantly longer than mine, more jagged and unruly than my new hairstyle is, so I was thinking of reworking it a little bit to be more accurate without looking... weird, hopefully. I dunno.

Thoughts?

I might just be asking this in a journal to get Kaykay's birthday blog off the main page. x3

Is  kaylink's birthday.
I expect to see lots of lovin's all around because the bitch deserves it.



JUST FOR YOU ALL TO KNOW
She likes to keep it a secret. But not on my watch. B3



carry on

Does anybody else get super happy when they put an arbitrary amount of paper in a printer, and it ends up being exactly what they need for whatever they are doing? I always feel like jesus when that happens. I may be a little silly.

So a few updates for those of who have been paying attention, which is a lot of you I'm sure.

Finally scared my parents into setting me up with a new psychiatrist, whom I went to see Monday afternoon. A fantastic guy, from what I could tell. Very sincere, he explained his reasoning for everything and offered a few suggestions when I listed a few minor problems on top of my more serious ones. He, like everyone else, recommended exercise. x3 But he's still cool. He actually took the time to get my weight (I could have just told him if he'd asked, but I still thought it was cool that he wanted to monitor it, since depression and anti-depressants can cause a lot of weight variation in one direction or another) and even took my blood pressure to get an idea as to whether or not this is a thyroid thing. Asked me a bunch of questions, I told him everything I could think to say (which wasn't much because I was nervous as all get out), and he was very attentive, wrote down a lot of stuff, fascinating.

Only problem is he thinks I'm Bi-polar.
I don't want to be bi-polar. :( One of my childhood friends was bi-polar and she, as much as I loved her, was nucking futs. It makes people so miserable. Hnnnng. Do not want.

But, we'll see. It's a pretty arbitrary guess on his part. So he changed my meds (finally!) and we'll see how this pans out. So far, it's working out good. :3 He gave me Propranolol for my social anxiety. Omg, it's so amazing. Not in a freaky drug addict kind of way either, just in a "yes this is EXACTLY what I was trying to get my hands on" kind of way. Doesn't make me anywhere near as tired as Celexa or Xanax (I told him about how fatigued I was, and he immediately blamed it on the drugs I'd had at the time) and is far more... motivating than it is sedative. It's wonderful. I get so much work done, I don't even.

So we'll give that some time to level out in my system and see how it goes. There's some chance that it will make me even more crazy than I already am. Potential side effect. So if I flip out on anyone, I apologize right now. But you've all seen the commercials. "Anit-depressants can worsen depression and thoughts of suicide in teens and young adults".

All I had to do was go down a single flight of stairs to my school's library. All I had to do was walk in the door, ask where the sound effect catalog was, leaf through it briefly, pick out a few sound effects for my audio file, burn them to my flashdrive. Simple simple, it'd have been so simple. It should've been so simple.

But I was too terrified to even walk in the door. I couldn't imagine standing face to face with a stranger and asking for help, no matter how brief. I couldn't... For two hours, I fought with myself to go down those damn stairs and pick up a god damned disc. Even if I only got one or two sounds out of it, I just wanted to do it for the sheer sake of figuring out how for the first time. Once I knew what I was doing, I could go back as many times as I needed. It'd have been so fucking simple.

And I could. not. do it.
I hate this. I fucking hate this. Someone want to lend me their sanity for two minutes?

Sorry but this has nothing to actually do with Tobuscus. I know, I am sad too. Always needs moar Tobuscus.




1. Name your favorite pairing. (Can be canon or not.)
Depending on my mood, it's either Sam x Jillian, Bojan x Toby (Tojan), Paige x Audrey or Connor x Haruka. It fluxtuates. All four are fantastic.

2. What do you like about this pairing?
... can I just say everything? In the case of SamJill, Bojan and ConnorHaruka, my favorite aspect of these three character pairings is how different the two characters involved are from one another, they are just complete opposites in all cases. Sam is a happy-go-lucky, jovial retard paired with Jillian, super serious, secretive what-are-these-things-called-emotions kind of tough girl. They're hilarious together. Bojan is a sociopath with a love of violence, gets off to pain, and has to make dick jokes about everything, but his boytoy is quiet, polite, and excessively compassionate. Haruka is a total asshole who is selfish, narcissistic, violent, and foul mouthed with about as much education as a sack of wet cement, while Connor is a prestigious student attending law school, the son of a rich and powerful city official, sharp as a tack, and sweet as a bowl of syrup. How these characters keep finding each other in my brain is a mystery to me.

Paige and Audrey are pretty different but are far from opposites. Most of their drama comes from Audrey trying to break through Paige's harsh outer shell, and Paige finding it very difficult to let her do so. My yena is unfortunately stubborn and resistant to change so... good luck Audrey. x3

3. Who (or what) might prevent this pairing from being together?
Um... let's see. Sam and Jillian have issues with a third party friend whom Jillian hates with a reckless abandon. I don't think she threatens them though romantically, it just creates some dissonance. The only thing that successfully breaks them apart is death honestly. Both are relatively loyal individuals... with Jillian being the lesser of the two. But Sam's too useful to throw away so the loyalty is there... just not in a traditional sense. x3

Tojan almost blows apart a number of times on its own. Toby is too emotional for the laid-back and uncaring Bobo, so they do a lot of disastrous breaking up and ultimately getting back together again. They love each other, truly. Bobo just doesn't know it. He's not a very sensitive guy unfortunately.

Haruka and Connor are pretty much destined for life, Connor decided. Haruka could care less, but Connor has attached himself to her hip so, unless one of them dies, she's stuck with him. He probably wouldn't even care if she cheated on him. Fortunately, he's... um... "gifted", so she doesn't have to. B3

And then Paige and Audrey also almost tear themselves apart on their own. I imagine that Audrey gets tired of my yena's freeloading. Whether or not they stay together ultimately depends on Paige's attitude.

4. Which of the two characters is the more submissive or dominant - or do they balance each other out, butt heads, et cetera?
Dominant- Jillian, Bojan, Haruka, Paige (sometimes)
Submissive- Sam, Toby, Connor, Audrey (sometimes)
Audrey and Paige tend to balance each other a little more than my other characters do, but I'd say Paige is the more dominant one. Audrey just has the money, the wit, and the playful desire to occasionally one-up my stupid yena.

5. What kind of vacation would they spend together?
Sam and Jill's life is like a giant vacation. They do what they want, when they want, however often they want, and all with plenty of money and friends and free time to back them up. The life of a gang banger is good stuff. I bet Sam likes to spend random days at childish places of recreations. I bet she loves water and amusement parks. She's kind of a derp.

Toby and Bojan would probably spend a week or so at some beach resort. Bojan would enjoy the "sightseeing", if you know what I mean, while Toby could use the calming atmosphere to relax and unwind a little. He's a tense little bugger, he is. Unfortunately for him, he'd have to keep Bobo on a short leash the whole time, lest he run off with some scantily clad hot piece of ass.

Haruka and Connor would only be able to spend a day or two on vacation as Haruka loses her mind when too far from a tv for too long a period of time. I bet she wouldn't mind a trip to Universal studios though, and does enjoy thrill rides. Connor of course would just do anything Haruka wanted him to do. Race go karts, go bungee jumping, base jumping, whatever.

Paige and Audrey however, are both relatively simple people. Audrey is frugal and Paige had no money so it's unlikely they'd actually do anything. Their idea of a vacation is a walk in the park or a quiet movie night and dinner at home.

6. Okay, now name one of your least favorite pairings.
Sharp and Skye. All of my fans love them, but they are by far my least favorite of all of my character pairings. x3 They are just too perfect for each other. Nothing ever bothers them once they get to know each other and it gets kind of boring quickly. Fortunately, Skye dies so I don't have to worry about them.

7. Why do you not care much for them?
B(

8. Now imagine both pairings in the meme going on a double date. What would they do and how would it turn out?
Pffffffffft. Well this is absurd. Um... I guess they'd all just go out to dinner somewhere (assuming I use my magic artists powers to anthrocize Sharp and Skye). I bet they'd agree to a fancy restaurant but, once there, Bobo would amuse himself by making penis puns with breadsticks and doing other ridiculously inappropriate things. He is the worst dinner guest. Paige would just be amused by his antics until the food arrived, then she'd inhale it all, maybe steal some of Audrey's when she wasn't looking. She loves food. Haruka would be pissed and pouty as always. Sam would be too amused by Bojan to eat anything, especially since Jillian would kick her in the shin if she ordered anything with meat in it. Jillian would probably just sit around and mope too, being all stand-offish and watchful, she'd keep Sam from mimicking Bojan too much. The other four (Audrey, Toby, Skye and Connor) would be making light conversation, the only civilized members of the group really. Assuming Haruka, Sharp and Jillian don't get into some sort of power struggle (which most certainly would end in a shoot out if it did, both Haru and JillyJill have an unreasonable amount of fire power in their possessions, Sharp would be screwed), I'd say it'd go fairly smoothly actually.

9. Okay! Crack time! Mix up the four characters for two new pairings! One from one pairing with one from the other. Now, which of the two new pairings is most likely?
They're all pretty unlikely... since Sharp and Skye are dogs and pretty bland characters. I think my others would simply be too quirky for them.

10. Okay, the characters are almost done with their round of torture! Now draw or write a quick drabble of one of the new pairings!
That's okay... It's bed time.

So... about my last journal...

I don't know what to say everyone. Everyone who replied with such kindness and concern... I thank you all for it, I really do. I really have to. I don't show my gratitude to the people that I know on the internet, I'm absolutely terrible at properly showing my appreciation for what you guys do for me. Expressing emotions has always been considered such a soft and weak thing to do... so I don't, unless I have to. But it must be said... it should be said. You guys deserve to hear what I think and what I believe when I'm not being spun around by an emotional tornado.

I do have friends. I know I do. So many of you guys really stepped up the other night, and I knew and could trust that you would. But the depressive side of my brain is retarded and delusional. It says these things, believes these things that are. not. me. Not me at all. I yelled at and insulted my best friend, I claimed openly that I had no friends... right to everyone's face (even hers), I participated in an activity that I've always found to be ridiculously pointless. I'm not myself when I get like that, and for that, for the things that I said that may have hurt or offended any of you, I am sincerely sorry. Because I do, I know that I do. I hurt you, I worry you. HollenHeist has been trying to reach out to me for ages and I've just... pushed her aside like an old newspaper. I see friends pop up in my Yahoo and I ignore them, set my status to invisible. I hide away where the depression can continue uncontested. And for this, I am sorry.

If there was a button I could press, a magic wand I could wave that could break that tidal wave of stupidity before it hit me, trust me, I would. But only proper medication can do that, and finding someone who will properly diagnose me is the slowest, longest, most trying up hill battle I've ever waged.

Until I can get a handle on this, or at least some diagnosis that isn't just "meh, something" so that I know how to fight it, I ask for your patience. I probably don't deserve it, but give me a chance anyway.

I know that I'm a good person under here. Underneath all of this, I can be fantastic. But it's just so obstructive and controlling... It takes dealing with. On your part more than mine. And I apologize for that.

For being so difficult. I'm sorry.

But I have to tell somebody and my boobcat is ignoring me (for very good reason, I might add -_- Chose the wrong yena as her best friend, it seems).

I cut my arm open with a box cutter in the bathroom today.
I know I know I know, it was stupid. God, I'm such an idiot. It didn't do anything but hurt like a bitch. If I were a different type of person and not a sissy baby, maybe I would've enjoyed it. But it just... hurt. I did it to get attention, is the sad thing. Someone's attention, anyone's. Only to find out no one is listening unless I type it out on a fucking internet billboard.... which is better than nothing I suppose. But is still pretty pathetic.

I called my family twice in the passed few days and they've been completely... I don't even have a word for it. They just... it's like it all goes in one ear and out the other with them. Mom is too worried about work, dad thinks I'll just get over it, and I don't have another therapy appointment until Thursday. And god forbid I tell her. She'll send me to a looney bin. Which I guess is better than here... At least then, I'll have someone to interact with.

I'm ashamed to admit that I've been completely lost without my boobcat. I've literally had no interaction with another human being since we played xbox on Friday night... Unless you count Saturday morning when I took a shit and rubbed her face in it. So now she's keeping her distance and for good freaking reason. I blew it, I blew all of it. And without her distraction, everything is completely empty and ridiculously hopeless. I went to the store, I did my homework, I even washed my dog for crying out loud, and in the end it all means nothing if you can't share it with anyone. I tried reaching out to other people, even those who claimed to be willing to listen, and no one is here.

I'm so fucking alone. It's really not healthy.
And the problem is, everything that you're thinking in your head right now, I've thought too. Cutting is so fucking stupid, I've always thought it was pathetic. Anger is a petty emotion that has caused me so much pain, I've promised myself to never let it control me. Washing my dog has always been a fun bonding experience, I love my dog, he's my better half. But all that I believe and all that I want doesn't keep me from doing stupid retarded shit that goes against every fiber of my judgement. I disagree with the concept of suicide too- I think it's pointless, cowardly and a waste of human life that could be improved with something as simple as friendly support. But man... I dunno man.

I wanna go home. I wanna fucking see somebody who's not a nameless face. Not a cashier who's asking "How are you today?" without any desire to hear the real answer. And not... random watcher number 286 either. I know this always pisses you guys off... so why do I keep saying it? Same reason my arm hurts. I'm a dumb fuck. And this dumb fuck knows that 90% of you would not give a shit if it wasn't for all the shiny desu dogs in my gallery. I'd be another emo retard you'd practically beg to go jump off a bridge.

Philly has a bridge you know... Now I'm just thinking aloud... You know this city has a bridge? Has a few bridges, all within... something of walking distance. I like to walk, 8th street isn't too far. 24th definitely isn't. One's over a river, the other's over like an actual bay/ocean thing, but it wouldn't matter anyway. I can't swim. I'd drown in 6 ft of water if you gave me enough time.

Wonder when the last time I took my pills was... I'm not hallucinating, couldn't have been too long ago. But I am awfully light-headed, despite having eaten and been sipping iced tea all day. How many of you knew my favorite thing to drink was Iced Tea? Kaylink knows.

There's thirty-six cents on my desk.

It's a black desk. I bought it from my former roommate. She was crazier than I am though, in a less guilt-ridden way though. She just thought the world revolved around her and people like me who disagreed with that were simply jerks. Still kind of wish she were around... Even fighting everyday is better than being alone like this.

Man I have no sense of time right now. It's been like... 36 hours since we had our fight and I'm losing my mind already. I am pathetic, good freaking lord.





It appears that I have run out of things to say. Good. Maybe I can get some sleep tonight then without having to drug myself.

Probably shouldn't hit Go. I always regret these journals. It never fails.... I'm gonna hit it anyway. Not sure if it's the left or the right side of my brain telling me not to press it. One side is smart, the other is trying to sabotage my life. Think I'm listening to the wrong side.

I need a new psychiatrist.
(feel free to ignore this by the way, I'm just gonna rant a little bit)

So I'm in between two boring as hell classes right now with about 2 hours of break time in between. Since my apartment is less than a mile from my school, I just walked back here to enjoy some lunch then will head back to my next class in about an hour. I live on the fifth floor of my apartment building, so I had to get on the elevator. A friendly maintenance worker, as well as one of the other staff members who brings packages to the tenants doors, also got on and immediately struck up conversation. I hate elevators for this reason. I don't like to talk to people... not due to a lack of desire, but due to a lack of courage. I am a socially anxious person- I already knew this, I have a very logical reason for it, it is what it is. However, I am currently taking drugs for depression and anxiety, and had hoped that they'd help to curb this some so I can be a normal functioning member of society.

But nope. I got off the elevator, into my apartment, sat down and sobbed for no reason, completely convinced I'd fucked up the conversation. Why? I really have no idea. I can't remember a single thing I did that was terribly wrong or weird... except I did stare at the floor I guess. I don't like to make eye contact. But anyway, point is, I went online to see what I can do about this. I always do whenever my anxiety gets unmanageable- what can I do myself to try and curb it a little bit, since social anxiety is completely irrational and doesn't respond to simple "positive thinking".

So I'm reading a rather extensive series of articles on social anxiety and is describes my life to a fucking T (no surprise there), and then at the bottom, it describes a series of recommended remedies. Medication is recommended, okay good. Anything anti-anxiety or anti-depression will work, it said, except one. There's one particular class of medication that, and I quote: "have been shown to be useless".

Guess which one.











Go on, guess...
















No, I'll wait. Think about it nice and hard...















Yup. Fuck my life.

I've been asking my psychiatrist to change meds for me for almost a year now. Celexa is not doing much for me. It helps my depression, which is good, since of all of my problems that was the most crippling. But that is all it really does. Does not help my concentration/focus issues, does not help the panic or the anxiety (which it is supposed to), even my therapist looked me in the face after a session or two and was like "Those pills should be helping... but they're not." Go. fig. Still, Mr.Know-it-all thinks that I'll be fine and everything's good and that changing to anything else will be catastrophic or dangerous or... something. He keeps bringing up the possibility of addiction.
All of my rage.

I'm not addicted, I'm crazy. This stuff is not stopping the crazy. Give me something that will stop the crazy long enough that I can get on with my life. I'm not asking for a cure here, but I am also given a small dose of Xanax for emergency panic attacks, which I do get from time to time (hurrdurr often times after socializing). And Xanax... Xanax goes right to the gigantic crazy filled hole in my brain, digs it up, and then fills it with normalcy. I can relax, I can socialize somewhat, I sleep better, I have fewer problems with my tummy and my IBS. Everything is just... right with Xanax. Celexa? Might as well have stuck a parrot on my shoulder. Hardly does anything other than making me drowsy.



*sigh* Of course, fixing this requires talking to someone, calling around, etc etc. Says the person with social anxiety. You can see how this becomes a for loop to misery.

If only my parents cared...




saufishfuihsduifhdus I should be eating lunch

My boobcat just left and is gonna return to Texas tomorrow. So, in my depressed pathetic sorrow, I stole this from  KeilidhBee to try and distract myself. Though, tbh, I have been searching for a fursona meme. There are very few good ones out there...



1. Do you and your "fursona" look alike?
As much as a human can resemble a hyena and vice versa, I'd say so yes. Our hair is a little different (mine is long and set back in a ponytail, while hers is comparatively short) and she's missing my glasses. Plus I don't have any sort of cool looking robot pieces of anatomy. But beyond that, we're pretty much the same. I even tried to give her a similar shade of brown fur to match my skin tone. I keep trying to work my back scar into her design but it never works out. All of my rage.

2. Do you and your "fursona" share attires?
When I draw her in clothes, yes, they are usually my clothes that I actually own irl. Mostly because I am a terrible fashion designer and it's simply easier to swipe the clothes I happen to be wearing at the time. x3 But I also happen to like most of my clothes, so it works. Avy and I are both very much tomboys.

3. Do you share the same sexuality as your fursona?
Yessum. Can't imagine why we wouldn't. Both of us are technically asexual but biromantic. But both of us hate making something so emotional so technical sounding, so if you asked us we'd either say we're pan or bi, even though sex honestly squicks us. :/ Avy is probably a little more sexually secure than I am, come to think of it, but only because female spotted hyenas cannot be raped for anatomical reasons, so she has less to fear. And she does have normal spotted hyena anatomy, if you were wondering about that.

4. If you changed your fursona to be more like you, how do you think he/she would look?
If I changed Avy to be more like me? Um... Well, she'd really just need to lose the cool eye and most of her lighter markings... and grow her hair out into a ponytail. But all of these are minor details, I've always found. I don't even like my ponytail and plan on cutting it off irl, next time I get the chance. So she probably doesn't even need to change the hair. Just lose the robot eye, change her eye color to black-ish brown, and give her a darker complexion, and I'd bet you'd be set.

Though if you really wanted her to look like me, you'd have to make her human before anything else. x3

5. Did you work hard to develop your fursona? What is the (brief) history of your fursona?
Who doesn't? x3 I went through a period of rapid crazy revamps before I finally got my boobcat to design a fursona for me that matched my personality without my perfectionism getting in the way. Took us quite a long time to get it all right. But we did, and I am forever grateful. <3

6. Do you and your fursona share relationship status?
Naturally. Single and very ronery. Trying not to worry about it until after college.

7. Do you find yourself jealous or upset if you get paired with someone you don’t like or your partner does?
.....wat? I don't have a partner first off, and second off, if I did, why would anybody pair me with anyone else? That doesn't make a lick of sense. x3 So, no. I wouldn't get upset, if we made this hypothetical. I'd just be really confused. If a pairing is already established, why change it?

8. How would you like your character NOT to be used?
Well, porn jumps out as an answer to this. As I mentioned before, neither Avy nor I like even the concept of sex, so drawing her in porn is no way to earn brownie points. But, in a more likely scenario, I don't like people using Avy in those stupid little animated series that you see floating around Youtube. Those series are always about some pack of wolves or dogs going on some epic adventure, fighting dragons or something crazy like that. And, since Avy is basically me as an animal, and I am far from epic in any context, I find those types of things very... out of character. Avy's a coward- stubborn, but a coward, there's no way she could randomly fight a dragon. She'd probably piss herself. More importantly, she's a hyena. What she has to do with wolves or dogs is a mystery to me... Dogs, maybe. I do like dogs, and she does have a dog form. So that might work... But most people aren't smart enough to think that far ahead with these things. They just herpderp her into their crazy magical storyline and it ends up looking and sounding ridiculous.

But I do not disallow it. Even if I don't think it makes any sense, people are free to use Avy however they please as long as they credit me for it. Well... except porn. Can't really excuse porn. >.>

9. What’s your fursona’s specialty?
Does herping and derping count? x3 I sometimes play around with the idea of her being able to control fire. Symbolic of my crazy uncontrollable emotions. But, I'm not really a fan of random magic so I might make it a dream/nightmare thing that only happens in her mind, and not for real. Either way, it does more harm than it does good, so I doubt I can call that a specialty... She can shoot? I'm good at shooting games. :3 Never shot a real gun before though so... idk. Let's stick with herping and derping.

10. On a scale of 1-10, how much are you and your fursona alike?
Um... idk. 8 or 9 maybe. We're pretty similar, I'd say. Just she's an animal, and I'm a human. That's about the only major difference.




So that was boring. Gotta find some other ways to waste time.

So Kaykay got a really amusing comment on her main page while at my house, and it's just... ridiculously hilarious. It's been the subject of half of our conversations and is just a "wow... internet". It's so hilarious, I'm going to link it to you all. x3

BUT before you click this link, please promise me that you won't add to this shitstorm. This idiot did this on Kay's main page, so there's already a pretty substantial number of replies to this. No more are needed, and I'm not linking you guys in an attempt to white knight this person. They ended up rage-quitting DA anyway so it's pretty pointless at this point. Just read these comments, lol, screenie them for future lols, and then be on your way. That's pretty much what we did. x3 And we only got more lols, so... it's pretty awesome. Ah, the internet. x3

http://comments.deviantart.com/4/20.....776/2093562402

Focus on Kaylink's string of comments as they were the first and original. The others went nuts because... well, it really speaks for itself here. I'm trying to find things to say about it, but all I can do is quote my boobcat:

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Btw, that is the entire conversation. Half the shit this person quotes and claims, we never said. It's very hilarious, I don't even. x3

EDIT
But wait, there's more
http://comments.deviantart.com/4/12.....130/2094876516

SHE'S A CHILD PRODIGY GUYS

And what's really sad about all of this- the drawing she did (and then bawleted) was actually really good. The ONLY problem that we really had with it was one single front leg with the joint bent in the completely wrong direction. But otherwise, I thought this girl really had potential.

And then the epic wangst of the century happened and now I am just amused. x3

There's a boobcat in my house.
In my computer room actually.
Within a three foot proximity of me.


Tis awesome. <3